Author Phateless Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 I'm not understanding why not being on a date since the last relationship is a "discrediting factor..." Wouldn't rapid relationship turnover be more of a warning flag? Or do you mean "Well, if nobody else wants her then there must be something wrong with her?" How about someone who is self-fulfilled and confident enough that she's willing to wait until a decent opportunity comes along, instead of jumping into every pool she passes by? no, let me see if i can explain this. when i worked in the car business, customers would tell me "well i like the car, the numbers are great, but this is the first place we've been to" and so they wouldn't buy no matter what. see? I would tell them "i don't want to the be the first place you go, i want to be the LAST place you go." make sense? I like that. I've had girls ask me "so why are you single?" as if there had to be something wrong with me. You should reply with something , like: "I dated a few women in the past but for some reason when I introduce them to my cult they always break up with me a few days later." Followed by: "So do you believe in the apocolypse?" Or: "Well, for the first few months I have tried to keep my job a secret from the girls I dated because I don't want to scare them off, now I am trying honesty." So she asks, "What do you do?" and you reply, "I castrate sheep with my teeth." Then go in for a big wet one. Okay, as for the castrating sheep with teeth, that used to be the profession of some UFC fighter, so I am not making that up. HAHA. lol, good retort! I usually just answer "because I'm picky and holding out for the right girl." It's not that the good ones are always taken or always dating or going from guy to guy. It's just that often, a desirable woman receives a lot of interest. A lot of the good ones ARE taken and if they ARE single, it doesn't last long. But thankfully, a lot of the BAD ONES are taken too!! And a lot of the bad ones don't last on the market long either! Online dating does often attract the "I'm out of a relationship, I want to just DATE DATE DATE" types and nothing is wrong with that. People often go to those sites to supplement their dating offline because they want to date. Sometimes, the very first person you meet, you'll continue dating. It's not desperation, it is commitment. Other times you go through dozens of people. From my own personal experience, when I first join I usually just want to meet lots of different people. After a while, I want something more and I become less interested in online and more selective. I think just as many guys online, if not more, are probably in the exact same situation: out of relationships and wanting to date around. You will meet lots of people like that of both genders, but there are some who want more. Online dating is best used as a way to supplement dating. Don't spend too much time on it. Maybe 1/2 hour a day. If you want to date date date, obviously, spend more time, but otherwise it's an investment to meet a greater variety of people, and you'll be happier with it if you use it to supplement meeting women in other areas. Opp, I was wondering when you were going to chime in. No, I only use one site now, and only a few mins here and there. It's only because you never know who you might meet, but I put very little into it. I exchange emails, sometimes go to instant messenger, but haven't moved to phone in a long time. i meet enough girls in person that i have my hands full. the one i started the thread about is just particularly cool and cute, and lives in the area where i'll be moving to in a few months, so it would be nice to have someone cool to hang out with when i get there.
redfathom Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I usually just answer "because I'm picky and holding out for the right girl." That is less creepy.
Trimmer Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 no, let me see if i can explain this. when i worked in the car business, customers would tell me "well i like the car, the numbers are great, but this is the first place we've been to" and so they wouldn't buy no matter what. see? I would tell them "i don't want to the be the first place you go, i want to be the LAST place you go." make sense? In the context of looking at relationship partners as hunks of steel and plastic, or slabs of meat, yes it does. As a metaphor for interaction between two human beings, not so much. But that's just me...
4givrnt4gtr Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Whoever made the point about cute girls always being recently single if they're single at all was right. The good ones often get snatched up right away, unless they're staying single on purpose. Wow, then i must be ugly and really undesireable since I wasnt "snatched up" right away when i broke up with my bf from high school. Took me 2 years to find a guy whom i liked and liked me back...and that lasted a whole month...then didnt date anyone again for three more years.....(granted those three years were fun filled with drama with the one month long ex....but still) I really dont agree that the cute desirable girls are usually recently single. In my experience those perpetually "recently singles" are chicks who play the field and like to be chased. I honestly think that someone who takes the time to regroup and set their life straight after a relationship has more potential than someone who after just a month or two of a break up is trying to get right back into a relationship. IMO
latefragment Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 4givr I must agree I took a little offense at the statement too. I know attractive, intelligent people of both genders who have been single for a while (read: long time) and just haven't found anyone. In fact, I see it as a PLUS if an attractive, intelligent person isn't with anyone, because it shows to me that they are OK being on their own and have discriminating taste (either that or they are a player). One of my friends said, he thinks he's running out of time to meet someone because as he gets older, all the good ones are snatched up. Maybe that is true, but my opinion is, those who are single later, are usually more independent and have thought things through more clearly, and/or maybe they had some bad luck with bad relationships, but maybe I'm being too optimistic. On a bad day I do feel like the world is going to end, though. LOL.
Author Phateless Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 I understand guys, I didn't mean it like that. I've been staying single on purpose for the past year and a half because I wanted to settle my head, as you guys have said. There are lots of people (like one of my best friends) who are single because they don't know how to go about the whole thing and shoot themselves in the foot every time. As for my analogy, I don't see what's so wrong with it. I would be wary of getting into a relationship with the first person I dated after my ex. Wouldn't you be? I would expect most people to be.
Trimmer Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 As for my analogy, I don't see what's so wrong with it. I would be wary of getting into a relationship with the first person I dated after my ex. Wouldn't you be? I would expect most people to be. I'm going to be wary of every relationship I get into after my ex... I do see your point, but one of the reasons I'm intentionally taking time off from dating to get myself together after "all that" is so that once I do enter my "first-relationship-after", I am as together as I can be so that I have the possibility of giving it my best, true effort, and that I can be fully present in it as a strong, confident individual. Not that I think I'm gurranteed to hit it out of the ballpark on the first swing, but at the same time, after all this work on myself, I don't feel like I need to treat the first one as a throwaway, a "first test drive" or a transitional relationship... I guess what I'm saying is that I hope that I'm together enough that I won't need to be any extra wary of the first relationship, compared with any others that come later... And the bottom line: I hope that a decent female won't rule me out, just on the basis of my time as a single, whether it's my "first date since" or whatever. I'd like the chance to sit down over glasses of wine or whatever and just meet - head to head, heart to heart.... Then let the humans decide.
Author Phateless Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 You know Trimmer I agree with you 100%. I've been single for the past year and a half on purpose because I've wanted to straighten my head out and haven't wanted to deal with anyone else in the process. I'll get back into a relationship when I'm ready to get into a real one. As for my concern, the very first DATE after a relationship... don't you think that is a valid concern? People usually go on a few dates post-relationship and have them go nowhere...
Lyssa Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 It's not that the good ones are always taken or always dating or going from guy to guy. It's just that often, a desirable woman receives a lot of interest. A lot of the good ones ARE taken and if they ARE single, it doesn't last long. But thankfully, a lot of the BAD ONES are taken too!! And a lot of the bad ones don't last on the market long either! Makes me wonder - which am I? The good or the bad ones? It took me three years to finally cave in for a R. I don't think I would get into one if I didn't get myself together - even right now, sometimes I wonder if I am together enough. Don't get me wrong, I love BF and all but I do wonder if I was good enough for him or not.
Trimmer Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 You know Trimmer I agree with you 100%. I've been single for the past year and a half on purpose because I've wanted to straighten my head out and haven't wanted to deal with anyone else in the process. I'll get back into a relationship when I'm ready to get into a real one. As for my concern, the very first DATE after a relationship... don't you think that is a valid concern? People usually go on a few dates post-relationship and have them go nowhere... Oh, don't get me wrong.... Yes, of course it's a valid concern. I have no doubt I'm going to be nervous as hell. Look, the last time I dated was so long ago, it was probably somewhere around the time you were born, if I remember your age correctly... I've got no friggin' idea what I'm doing, and really, I've got no business trying to give dating advice! That's pretty funny now that I think of it! But I'm setting a goal for myself that I'm going to try to be "together," and try to be fully present within even the first relationship, the first date, just in case. I think we're saying pretty much the same thing... Maybe that's it: I'm keeping my expectations of the outcome low - like I said, I don't expect to hit it out of the ballpark the first time - but I'm going to enter the process with a high standard for myself - to be the best person I can be while actually being myself...
Author Phateless Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 See my concern is to be the first date someone else has been on fresh out of a relationship. I feel like I have myself all together, but if I'm the first date she's been on since her relationship, chances are very slim that things will go anywhere with us.
Lyssa Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 What do you think that the chances are very slim?
Author Phateless Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 I dunno, if I'm the first date she's been on since her relationship... I figure all sorts of stuff about her ex will come out, or blah blah blah. I dunno... but then again, it could go really well and she'll realize how much better I am than him? I dunno...
Lyssa Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I dunno, if I'm the first date she's been on since her relationship... I figure all sorts of stuff about her ex will come out, or blah blah blah. I dunno... but then again, it could go really well and she'll realize how much better I am than him? I dunno... LOL - Do all girls still yap about their ex-es?? The last thing I'd want is to bring up my past! Even when asked about it, I'd give a vague answer because I do not want to be reminded of him and also, I don't think it'd be a good start to a friendship with the guy. It could go very well, who knows?
Trimmer Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I dunno, if I'm the first date she's been on since her relationship... I figure all sorts of stuff about her ex will come out, or blah blah blah. I dunno... but then again, it could go really well and she'll realize how much better I am than him? I dunno... I think that's why you have to try it. People are different enough that you won't be able to make a rule. Exactly what you say here is right: " but then again..." Be yourself - be your own, charming, flexible, likeable self, and give it a try. LOL - Do all girls still yap about their ex-es?? The last thing I'd want is to bring up my past! Even when asked about it, I'd give a vague answer because I do not want to be reminded of him and also, I don't think it'd be a good start to a friendship with the guy. I probably wouldn't introduce the subject, but it seems bound to come up, as it's such a significant part of my life (and I have kids, so at some point the whole situation is unavoidable...) I figure on referring to it in some gracious manner, the positive aspect of us continuing to work well together as parents, but making it clear that that is ALL we are, and there's nothing else. That's probably a very different approach from what you are dealing with as far as ex'es, though... The whole "still parents" thing definitely adds another funky dimension. How's this, be gracious, but make no mistake that it's over. (See, here I am giving dating advice in an area I know nothing about once again. It's fun! Like giving guns to ducks... )
Lyssa Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I probably wouldn't introduce the subject, but it seems bound to come up, as it's such a significant part of my life (and I have kids, so at some point the whole situation is unavoidable...) I figure on referring to it in some gracious manner, the positive aspect of us continuing to work well together as parents, but making it clear that that is ALL we are, and there's nothing else. That's probably a very different approach from what you are dealing with as far as ex'es, though... The whole "still parents" thing definitely adds another funky dimension. How's this, be gracious, but make no mistake that it's over. (See, here I am giving dating advice in an area I know nothing about once again. It's fun! Like giving guns to ducks... ) Oh yes, there is a diff if kids were involved - it's inevitable not to ask, I would think. Like BF - he has kids so yeah, I would ask but mostly just stuff about his kids. I don't think I want to more anything else . It's not easy dating a single father but it sure is FUN! I kid you not - I actually love it! Oh please! You do know a lot of things! You've been there in 'the dating scene and we all need your wisdom, Trimmer!!
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