Extra Truth Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 ...so it's been 2 years 5 months, and I am still angry about being dumped. I'm angry because I learned so much, or maybe I didn't, about this woman afterwards, and I've been 'handcuffed' from speaking with her 1/ by a new relationship she is in, and 2/ doubt about whether it's worth it. She might be great, but I'm not sure, because she acted atrociously at the end, and in contradiction to everything she proclaimed herself to be. Really, I want to get to the bottom of the question that is nagging me about what was real, or who she was. I really want to get to the bottom of the question of whether she is worth fighting for. She might have been one of a kind. We looked into swinging. I'm told she's doing that, and it just makes me angrier, because I was told by her that she was upset by the idea that I thought it might bring us closer, that is was hot. She suggested it, not I. We tried it once, and her sadness over it all was palpable. Then what does she do with the new guy. They go and invite a girl with them. We are in our 30s, and not kids. Our sexuality is not vanilla, but was when we were together. Frankly, I wish we had spoken more openly, because I think we would still be together. Women like her, who are sexually adventurous seem hard to find. So the questions are: are they that hard to find? Should I find out if she's worth it or just let it go? And should I get started tomorrow on Valentine's Day? And what should my tone be if I do? Cool, warm, and collected as is recommended in books on getting someone back. Or honest (we had a problem with honesty, so I'm essentially calling her to the mat). Thanks for replies.
DaisyBelle Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I'm sorry this has been troubling you for so long. It doesn't sound like an easy road at all. What I see is *a lot* of anger in your post. A lot. Really. And honestly, I don't know if anger that hot could be kept out of any conversation you might have with her. Setting that aside for a minute, what concerns me more than your questions is that you have admittedly been seething about this for two and a half years. You imply that you want to get back together with her, but you also say she was atrocious, dishonest, and you doubt she is worth it. That's a lot of bad stuff to get over, yknow? This leads me to believe that you're not really interested in finding out what part of her is real. I'm wondering if somehow, underneath all this, what you really want is to get back at her? I'm very concerned that you are still angry after all this time. Is there something that she represents to you that is cause for all this anger? Because it's really not typical for someone to hang onto that level of anger for such a long period. Normally, things cool down at some point and while a bit of anger may still lurk, it seems to me that your feelings are still white hot. I'd not recommend you contact her when you are still this angry. I know the counseling route is not for everyone, but I wonder if talking to a completely separate third party to understand why you are carrying a torch for this woman after all this time might be helpful for you.
Author Extra Truth Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 ...with you view it would not be good to get in touch with this anger still present. I really thought it would go away by now. I was with her 3 years, and we were pretty tight, and yet dishonest with other about who we really were. Sex was a big deal as you can tell. We danced around the subject, and we wound up lying to each other about what we wanted, and I think we wanted the same thing, which makes the break up a shame, but I'm not sure of that. There is the possibility she was a hipocrite. The anger comes from the possibility that she caused so much pain through her hipocracy. I was supposedly the liar, but the truth was I was just timid in the face of someone more sexually open. She threw me the rope to join her, then abruptly split and started with someone else...and she wasn't nice about it at all. So that is the root of the anger. It boils my blood that this person may have got off laughing, and doing all the things she claimed she was against. Or the case may be a misunderstanding. I tried the counseling thing, and the focus constantly returned to the possibility that she was a sex addict, or I was. We probably both were, adn that was fine. What was not fine, was that we were unfortunately not honest with each other. Every single problem we ever had came from this one issue. Everything else was great. And I'm not having much luck meeting anyone close to level of compatibility. I gotta some more work to do on myself, but issue is holding me back. I'm thinking of getting a little stronger, working on that anger, and then calling a meeting to deal with unfinished business.
sedgwick Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 (edited) I would give ANYTHING to find a man who was as sexually adventurous as I am and wanted sex as often. I have never once found it to exist. With my last boyfriend, the one who dumped me for not being a musician, I had to suggest we watch porn together, and he was shy about it. I've had boyfriends be shocked that there's such a thing as women who like performing oral sex. The ex who brought me here (the love of my life, the man I'll never get over) had NEVER had a girlfriend (he'd had five in his life) who did it willingly, let alone one who genuinely loved it. That absolutely boggles my mind. I was just so in love with him I always wanted to. I would sit and watch porn to get ideas for what to do to him the next time I saw him. I would GLEEFULLY have knock-down drag-out pornstar sex on a daily basis, but I've never found a man who could keep up. This really is one of the things I've always gotten bummed out about -- I want so much to have a lover who's as into it as I am, and I no longer believe that will ever happen. I mean, I'm 36, for crying out loud, and I can't even begin to tell you the efforts I made to rock the most recent guy's world in the sack. Let's just put it this way: if your girlfriend is a bellydancer who can put her feet behind her head, she shouldn't have to REMIND you of that. I mean, I don't know, maybe it's that I'm ugly, but I dance and do yoga and I'm really strong. People tell me often I have Angelina Jolie lips. I've modeled for a couple of tattoo magazines. I like to think I'm not HIDEOUS, but then maybe I am, who knows. I just assume, based on his actions, that sexually adventurous women who love you unconditionally are really easy for guys to find. It seemed to be very easy to toss me aside and leave me feeling like a dime a dozen. It's been impossible for me to find those qualities in a man, but it seems from the way he acted like it must be really easy for guys to find it in a woman, and that I'm not anything special. He told me frequently that I was the best sex he'd ever had, but I just figure that was a lie like everything else he said, and that he probably has half a dozen more chicks like me waiting in the wings. Edited February 14, 2008 by sedgwick
Author Extra Truth Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 I have no idea if you are rare or not, but my sense so far is possibly. I have found a new lover, who I'm training. She's open-mindedd and that helps a lot, but I as important as sex is, all the other personality traits are important too and are hard to find again. I commend you for being so passionate, open, and inquisitive. I can say from experience, that I have always been hypersexual, and was afraid of it. Then I met my ex who was more experienced and at first willing to lead me down the road. I objected because I was fearful of damage to our relationship. I loved her, and didn't want to lose her. So we began to experiment, and just as we were on the cusp, she backed out--well she's back at it again with someone else. In any case, I do remember my apprehension, and her accussations, and prodding to get honest with myself. I wish I had in time. And I certainly am now. So I understand somewhat the fear a man might have about a sexually adventurous woman. I think if reassurances are provided, and there 200% honestry, FROM BOTH SIDES, then things will work out, whether together or in some other modified form (open-relationships, etc). You sound fun, and I hope to meet someone so adventurous, active and conscientious. We'll see. I know how you feel about meeting that person--it seems hard to do, and it seems so easy for the other to leave, like their are tons of better options out there. I'm still on the fence whether that is the case: which is why in my case, I'm seeking a face to face meeting to look her in the eyes, and see for myself, whether she was that great, whether she is a fraud, or whether she simply manipulated me is really beneath me. So, I understand the doubt. I wish I knew the answer. I'm just going out there, and trying to be as available and authentic as I can with every woman that interests me. It's a lot of work, and really not much success yet. I met a younger woman. Like I said earlier, she's open and will learn anything, but there is some missing intellectually, and she probably can't carry equal weight in a relationship, so I don't think that will last. So I keep looking. Some people say it's not wise to make sexual gusto a primary driver in life. I don't see any other way. I hope to meet a partner with the same appetite. We'll see. As for you, good luck, and know there is someone else who understands the road you're traveling. I would give ANYTHING to find a man who was as sexually adventurous as I am and wanted sex as often. I have never once found it to exist. With my last boyfriend, the one who dumped me for not being a musician, I had to suggest we watch porn together, and he was shy about it. I've had boyfriends be shocked that there's such a thing as women who like performing oral sex. The ex who brought me here (the love of my life, the man I'll never get over) had NEVER had a girlfriend (he'd had five in his life) who did it willingly, let alone one who genuinely loved it. That absolutely boggles my mind. I was just so in love with him I always wanted to. I would sit and watch porn to get ideas for what to do to him the next time I saw him. I would GLEEFULLY have knock-down drag-out pornstar sex on a daily basis, but I've never found a man who could keep up. This really is one of the things I've always gotten bummed out about -- I want so much to have a lover who's as into it as I am, and I no longer believe that will ever happen. I mean, I'm 36, for crying out loud, and I can't even begin to tell you the efforts I made to rock the most recent guy's world in the sack. Let's just put it this way: if your girlfriend is a bellydancer who can put her feet behind her head, she shouldn't have to REMIND you of that. I mean, I don't know, maybe it's that I'm ugly, but I dance and do yoga and I'm really strong. People tell me often I have Angelina Jolie lips. I've modeled for a couple of tattoo magazines. I like to think I'm not HIDEOUS, but then maybe I am, who knows. I just assume, based on his actions, that sexually adventurous women who love you unconditionally are really easy for guys to find. It seemed to be very easy to toss me aside and leave me feeling like a dime a dozen. It's been impossible for me to find those qualities in a man, but it seems from the way he acted like it must be really easy for guys to find it in a woman, and that I'm not anything special. He told me frequently that I was the best sex he'd ever had, but I just figure that was a lie like everything else he said, and that he probably has half a dozen more chicks like me waiting in the wings.
sandflea Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Sedgwick - I have frequent flyer miles... I mean, we could work something out... LOL! Girl, you are AWESOME! Great post. I'm still hyperventilating... Go with your passion - and your yog - and I'll bet you'll be smiling... Out Standing!! SF
sedgwick Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 (edited) Sandflea: you. me. cabana in mexico. naked yoga. Let's just say that when we could get the tour van to ourselves for ten minutes before the show, the boy went onstage relaxed. Edited February 15, 2008 by sedgwick
caramel271 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Man, I think you are wasting your time!!!! Your dwelling on somethang that happened 2+years ago. I think you need to let it go. Like you said you are not a kid. Apparently she moved on(not to sound rude) but you need to do tha same. Ask god for forgiveness through prayer and to help guide you through this so you can move forward. Theres plenty of women out there. God puts people in our lives for a reason. True happiness has to come from within yourself. Learn to love you and i bet you will truly be happy and you will find someone thats gonna love you.
Author Extra Truth Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Man, I think you are wasting your time!!!! Your dwelling on somethang that happened 2+years ago. I think you need to let it go. Like you said you are not a kid. Apparently she moved on(not to sound rude) but you need to do tha same. Ask god for forgiveness through prayer and to help guide you through this so you can move forward. Theres plenty of women out there. God puts people in our lives for a reason. True happiness has to come from within yourself. Learn to love you and i bet you will truly be happy and you will find someone thats gonna love you. Yes she moved on, and thought I would never know the hipocrisy. I'm fine with breaking up. I am not fine when someone is cruel, just to be cruel. Since the entire basis of the breakup was based on who was telling the truth, on many subject including sex, it is biting that the dumper was lying all along. If this is not the case, then it might be worth exploring a dialogue, since I am curious whether such people are very common. And I don't mean to be rude, but I don't expect much from God. He may or may not exist, but that's a discussion for another forum.
Author Extra Truth Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Sedgwick, you sound like a lot of fun! You're pretty encouraging.
Author Extra Truth Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Man, I think you are wasting your time!!!! Your dwelling on somethang that happened 2+years ago. I think you need to let it go. Like you said you are not a kid. Apparently she moved on(not to sound rude) but you need to do tha same. Ask god for forgiveness through prayer and to help guide you through this so you can move forward. Theres plenty of women out there. God puts people in our lives for a reason. True happiness has to come from within yourself. Learn to love you and i bet you will truly be happy and you will find someone thats gonna love you. Oh there is something I meant to addess in your reply: yes, there are tons of women out there, just not as many bifem/curious/switch women with a huge and adventurous sex drive who are heavy, heavy into music, art, politics, activism, and writing, thai food, latin and street culture, the underground, hackings, physics, poetry, etc., etc., oh, and did I mention, who are into women too. So it's a little more complicated than it might sound. And I'm not sure God is going to give me a bifem/curious/switch gal--gonna have to find that myself.
Recommended Posts