Whey2Big4u Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Well here it goes. I was with this girl for 6 years. within those six years we have been through hell and back together. with the last 6 months we got engaged and planned for our future. I was paying her bills and saving to pay for the wedding. for both of us everyhting was going well, great jobs, lots of money, school and we where only 21. well, things hit a rough patch and well she was in school in the city. i was in the city that day for work and i asked to come see her she said great cant wait to see ya. well when i arrived, instead of the usual jumping into my arms and saying i missed, i love, she walked up to me slowly, infron f her frineds and said "i think i'm breaking up with you". Making a long stroy short she told me her reasons are that she cant see a future with me, and we wouldnt get along, but who knows in the future maybe. she said we are right for ewachother just not now. well she got her frineds to take me out the next night. I drank myself stupid for a week and did some harsh drugs. I never do that stuff, but it was a sucker punch to me. she called me the next day and asked if she could wear the ring, i said yes. i got really angry and the following week i suprsed her and asked for the ring back in front of her freinds. well we met a month later, she didnt want to but i asked to. she had alreaedy made all these plans with her frineds and she even acknowledged that she was acting bitchy to me. over the next couple of months i sent her horrible emails and the things i wanted back ( im not goping to go into detail) Well we have common frineds and i know shes sleeping around. Ive seen pics of the guys and they are all fat slobs, ( i am a well biult, 6'1 athletic man)and it was upsetting at first, but i have been doing the same (but with really hot women) so i really cant be angry. any way it was her birthday today and i sent her a birthday card. she actually called me!!!! We talked for 15 minutes, it would have been longer, but she was going underground into the city. Just hearing her laugh made me crazy. I forgot to mention that I got into another relationship and was in it for those four months, but i calle di toff becasue the grass wasnt really greener. It almost seems like shes leaving an open door to start something again. I'm am taking it with a grain of salt and still intend to enjoy my self with other people, but at the same time pursue her. I dont want to give in and lower myself and say come back i miss you, that would be stupid, but i want to do something. We have a common freind who is very sick and we are his onlt frineds, she told me in the conversation to go see him when he get surgery (I stopped talking to all common friends after the breakup, i cut all ties) This moring i said happyt birthdya and it was nice talking to you in a text and she answered with a thanx. i didnt and dont expect anything. Does anyone have any ideas how I can get her back??? without saying take me back. I also think she already knows how baldy she hurt me. I already been throught the finding who i am phase and i like who i am. I started really hitting the gym again ( I used to powerlift and started again) Sorry if my writting is all over the place, but hope you guys can get the jist.
Ronni_W Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I tried putting myself in her shoes to figure out what message you could give that would make an impact without being clingy/needy... I think the best you can do is to let her know that you still care, you're still interested in trying to make things work, willing to put in the effort, and will leave things open for a period of time (1 week or 1 month, or whatever works for you.) I would suggest going N/C during that period, so both of you can get a fresh perspective, individually and about each other. Putting in a time frame will help you know exactly where you stand...If she is still dilly-dallying at the end of it, ask flat-out if she sees a mutually rewarding future together. If she wants to continue to date others, then "just say no" and make plans to live the rest of your life without her. I'm not really sure how effective it is to cut ties with common friends while you maintain contact with her...is that something you want to think about? Definitely I would recommend that you offer friendship and support to your friend before and after surgery...and, really, any other friends who need you -- you may need them too, some day.
CaliGuy Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 You can not win someone back. They either want to or not on their own. What you can do to help yourself a lot now and in the future is read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. The answers you seek are not from her, but from within. The book will help you. Cheers.
Author Whey2Big4u Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 well let me dive into things a little more detailed. 6 months prior to the break up i asked her to marry me TWICE (casue the ring needed to be fixed) she said yes both times, later i got some amazing love letters. we started planning for the wedding and she was the one who was setting the date and everytihing else. i was equally excited and helped as well. her parent sn threw us an engagement party we were so happy. I had a reallly good paying job and paid her out of debt so she can help save fdor the wedding, we even have dog together. the break up was a n out of the blue thing to make things worse i also lost my job right after!!! the weekend prior to the breakup she slept over and everything was fine, then the night before she went out with my mother to discuss the wedding, the next day the break up. she said so many things good and bad, it made no sense. from im not saying we will get back together and i am not saying we will, to you dont need someone like me i treated wrong, you can find someone better, to my fear is you will find someone better and realize i was a bitch....and on and on and on even saying i cant wait to sit on the coach with you and watch tv, ill even do the dishes ( i always didd the dishes) well, ive already worked on mywself alot. Ive been seeing a therapist, I hit the gym again really hard, ive gotten on some amazing job interviews and had gogtten some awesome opportuinites. i'm happy the way my life is now, but i want to share that with her. after she broke up with me I met someone else and we went out for three months, she taught me how to not put up with bull**** anymore. Now im single again and I like hanging with my guy frineds and getting phone numbers and etc, but its not as fun as it sounds to me. I know i cant win her back
Author Whey2Big4u Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 ROnni, when she broke up with me i gave her a two month sepration plan and she said NO. its been 5 months now, and well for her birthday i sent her a card, nothing special, just said happy birthfdaiy in russian (she is russian) she called and thanked me for it and thats how we started talking, but from here i dont know what to do. With wha ti ve experiened these last 5 months I can reflecty back and see how clingy i was, but now im far from it. I know its hard to say how fast one can change, but with therapy, good freinds i did it
Ronni_W Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Congrats on your progress in therapy! I know it's not easy, and takes a great amount of desire and effort. Also, it says a lot about you, that you have such good and supportive friends. I know i cant win her back Is it possible that you're still harbouring some confusion about that? (I'm asking because of the title you chose for your thread.) Or maybe, intellectually you know you can't; but emotionally you would like a different outcome? -- Your mind is correct, though. There isn't anything you can do to influence her feelings and desires. Not a single thing. Your recent growth and development is about you, and about your future relationships. It is excellent that you have overcome your clingy-ness -- and it does not make a difference to your past. It is a struggle and, with your continued desire and efforts, you will conquer it. Best of luck.
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