The things he told me....

[OliveJuice]

I'm sitting here re-hashing my short term (3 mo.) A with a MM. I just keep kicking myself because I believed him. Just to vent, I hope you don't mind that I list some of them here. Can anyone relate?

"I love you."

"You are amazing"

"You satisfy my soul"

"My W and I don't belong together."

"It's been over for a long time."

"I can never leave my kids."

"I've never been this happy."

"I want to be with YOU."

"The timing just isn't right."

"I wish we were going to OUR apartment right now."

"I can't end my M because of an A. It's not meant to be and, in time, she'll see that."

"You are so beautiful."

"If I leave, she'll never let me see my kids."

"I don't want my kids to call another man Dad."

"You and I are meant to be."

"My parents/friends/kids would LOVE you."

"I miss you."

"I love you."

"I meant every word I ever said to you."

[LOVE DAISIES]

Omg OJ.......Yes. I have a lot of those statements.It makes me so sad too........

I read your story and I am so sorry you are going through this sweetie.

Are you a cop? Just curious....

Please stay strong........you are doing great...

[OliveJuice]

Thank you, LD...

I am having a hard time with this. Like I said, I feel so angry and so stupid for believing him. I never would have thought I was the type of person to fall for that mushy stuff. I fought against it in the beginning, but he won me over. I ended up believing him. And then when he had the opportunity to follow through with the things he told me (d-day), I was the one kicked to the curb. It was in a very nice way, but hurts just the same, I think.

Yes, I'm an officer. He is too, and we work together four nights a week so it's tough.

But, I think I'm doing well. I'm trying to just be the same happy, fun, outgoing person I was before this all happened.

Thanks for caring!

[Cobra_X30]

Thank you, LD...

I am having a hard time with this. Like I said, I feel so angry and so stupid for believing him. I never would have thought I was the type of person to fall for that mushy stuff. I fought against it in the beginning, but he won me over. I ended up believing him. And then when he had the opportunity to follow through with the things he told me (d-day), I was the one kicked to the curb. It was in a very nice way, but hurts just the same, I think.

Yes, I'm an officer. He is too, and we work together four nights a week so it's tough.

But, I think I'm doing well. I'm trying to just be the same happy, fun, outgoing person I was before this all happened.

Thanks for caring!

 

That is sad.

 

So, how do you plan to fix your marriage?

[OliveJuice]

Well, Cobra, I don't know why your post caused me to feel defensive. You've posed a very simple, legitimate question.

First off, I'm not trying to portray myself as a "sad" person with a "sad" story. Everyone on this site is fighting their own battle of some sort. I'm not looking for sympathy...I don't think...just trying to make sense of something that went on in my life that has left me with irrational and conflicting emotions.

As for my marriage, My husband is a wonderful man who treats me like crap most of the time. That's what "we" need to work on. I can say with absolute certainty that he would never cheat on me or leave me...for any reason. Why? I don't know. I'm not that great. He is a small town country guy with good values. He loves me...almost too much. But he can be very mean and hurtfull at times, which has caused me to feel resentment toward him after seven years. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT making excuses for my unexcusable behavior.

So, if he's so mean, why haven't I already left? Because he loves me more than anything and it's not always bad. I've packed my bags a hundred times to leave because of his name calling, cussing, etc., but underneath it all, I know his love is genuine.

I plan on working on my marriage by staying...and not falling for anymore lies.

[Daphne Crane]

I just keep kicking myself because I believed him. Just to vent, I hope you don't mind that I list some of them here. Can anyone relate?

"I love you."

"You are amazing"

"You satisfy my soul"

"My W and I don't belong together."

"It's been over for a long time."

"I've never been this happy."

"I want to be with YOU."

"You are so beautiful."

"You and I are meant to be."

"I miss you."

"I love you."

"I meant every word I ever said to you."

 

Let me think of some more to add:

 

"My happiness depends on YOU."

"Cuz, I love you, you NEVER made me feel less than I am. You give me nothing but hope and praise. For that, I will risk it all."

"I would love to make you mine."

"I love you more than you want to know or care to know."

"I often have thoughts of leaving."

"I can't bear the thought of not having you in my life."

"I AM NOT GOING TO LOSE YOU AGAIN!"

 

Of course, there are plenty more lines. My A has been going on for 14 months but we dated years ago and lost contact. I've been thinking about this for a few months and it's time for me to end this. I will share the whole story at a later time.

[simplegirl]

Let's see, I'm sure we can come up with at least 100 different ones between us........

 

"Sometimes I wish you were the mother of my children."

"We will be together."

"Help me figure out what I need to do to leave."

"I don't know what I would do without you"

"I love you."

"We could be so happy."

"I'm sorry for everything your exH put you through."

"When we live together I will never cheat on you."

"I promise I will always treat you right when we are together."

"I missed you."

"I don't want to stop you from your life." (referring to finding a single man)

"Who cares what people think when we are together."

"It will be hard but we can make it work."

 

 

I'm sure there are many more.......

[GreenEyedLady]

This is what I said:

 

I need you to be strong for me...

 

I need you to fight for me...

 

Make a plan and fix this...

 

And you know what? He did...

[Cobra_X30]

Well, Cobra, I don't know why your post caused me to feel defensive. You've posed a very simple, legitimate question.

First off, I'm not trying to portray myself as a "sad" person with a "sad" story. Everyone on this site is fighting their own battle of some sort. I'm not looking for sympathy...I don't think...just trying to make sense of something that went on in my life that has left me with irrational and conflicting emotions.

As for my marriage, My husband is a wonderful man who treats me like crap most of the time. That's what "we" need to work on. I can say with absolute certainty that he would never cheat on me or leave me...for any reason. Why? I don't know. I'm not that great. He is a small town country guy with good values. He loves me...almost too much. But he can be very mean and hurtfull at times, which has caused me to feel resentment toward him after seven years. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT making excuses for my unexcusable behavior.

So, if he's so mean, why haven't I already left? Because he loves me more than anything and it's not always bad. I've packed my bags a hundred times to leave because of his name calling, cussing, etc., but underneath it all, I know his love is genuine.

I plan on working on my marriage by staying...and not falling for anymore lies.

 

Your situation is sad. I understand that you are a very strong person. That means your not sad as a person, just stuck in a sad spot.

 

It's obvious that your thinking about MM, this is what your post revolves around. That is dwelling in the past. I think you would be better served to focus on the future. That is why I ask you about your marriage.

 

Just staying... I don't see how that will make the changes you need happen. I could be wrong though. Do you want your marriage to go back to normal? Or do you want it to be better?

 

Why can't you have all those feelings in your marriage that you had in the affair?

 

I think if your H loves you that much... he can get a grip on his own actions and start to act like a husband should.

[nextel]

I am sorry that you are hurting. I wish there was more that could be said to help your heart heal fast. So, I am going to be cautiously sensitive as I attempt to make my point.

In an effort to educate some women who want to be schooled on a some of these things, please understand that I am not putting anyone down. We all make mistakes, but we must learn from them and then go from there.

 

 

90% of the time, the first thing a man wants when he meets a woman that he is attracted to is to get in her pants. A man will say and do anything a woman wants for as long as he has not had sex with her. But he will also say and do anything to get in her pants. That is why they say a woman has a lot of power.

 

If you really want a man, don't trust his words. Watch his actions. I don't know how long a woman can hold off sex, but I say, hold off until you get what you want and/or are comfortable with the level you are operating on. It is not enough to let your emotions and neediness get in the way of your objectives. Not all men are sensitive towards women's feelings. Most men are only interested in what they can get. A man will only get what you let him have. Be greedy and nicely selfish. Make him work hard to win you over, afterall, that is what a man is supposed to do. Win a woman's heart. Men are hunters by nature and if you change that course (regardless of how progressive we have become in society), he will lose interest because he feels that he did not have to do much to have sex with you.

 

 

Please don't feel like I am putting you or anyone down, I merely offering what I know and I hope you can draw from this experience, take a little of what we all offer and use it to your advantage. Good luck to you.

[9Lives]

Thank you, LD...

I am having a hard time with this. Like I said, I feel so angry and so stupid for believing him. I never would have thought I was the type of person to fall for that mushy stuff. I fought against it in the beginning, but he won me over. I ended up believing him. And then when he had the opportunity to follow through with the things he told me (d-day), I was the one kicked to the curb. It was in a very nice way, but hurts just the same, I think.

Yes, I'm an officer. He is too, and we work together four nights a week so it's tough.

But, I think I'm doing well. I'm trying to just be the same happy, fun, outgoing person I was before this all happened.

Thanks for caring!

 

WEll OJ at least you did not give 3 years to the bull like I did. So 3 months aint too bad. If I was you I would not speak to his a/ss for nothing. I would ignore the hell out of him. Im telling you, he does not deserve another SECOND...SECOND..of your time. Be strong!

[Lyssa]

If you really want a man, don't trust his words. Watch his actions. I don't know how long a woman can hold off sex, but I say, hold off until you get what you want and/or are comfortable with the level you are operating on. It is not enough to let your emotions and neediness get in the way of your objectives. Not all men are sensitive towards women's feelings. Most men are only interested in what they can get. A man will only get what you let him have. Be greedy and nicely selfish. Make him work hard to win you over, afterall, that is what a man is supposed to do. Win a woman's heart. Men are hunters by nature and if you change that course (regardless of how progressive we have become in society), he will lose interest because he feels that he did not have to do much to have sex with you.

 

Men or women - they can say so many things but actions are the most important.

 

He didn't say all that were mentioned until later in the R and only after it became physical. I told him talk is cheap . Soon after, I saw it all in his actions.

 

I'm not saying that it was all good when I was seeing him as an MM but he did what he said. That was what counts.

[whichwayisup]

So 3 months aint too bad.

 

She's right, 3 months isn't that long..

 

Ask yourself this - If this guy was a single guy and he was lying to you like this, would you put up with it? Would you be feeling the same way?

[Lyssa]

I'm sitting here re-hashing my short term (3 mo.) A with a MM. I just keep kicking myself because I believed him. Just to vent, I hope you don't mind that I list some of them here. Can anyone relate?

 

Vent all you want here! It really helps and we will get you through this. Hang in there and stay strong, OJ.

[9Lives]

Men or women - they can say so many things but actions are the most important.

 

He didn't say all that were mentioned until later in the R and only after it became physical. I told him talk is cheap . Soon after, I saw it all in his actions.

 

I'm not saying that it was all good when I was seeing him as an MM but he did what he said. That was what counts.

 

Actions arent everything either...my mm was doing alot of nice things but his heart wasnt in it I found out later. Bottom line, you love someone it comes out in words and deed. He said he showed me but he could not tell me. That did not make sense. He showed me in ways HE wanted to show me but not like I needed it. He thought he should get credit for things he should be doing anyway. Im bitter right now so forgive me for being negative. But men are good at going thru the motions.

[Lyssa]

Actions arent everything either...my mm was doing alot of nice things but his heart wasnt in it I found out later. Bottom line, you love someone it comes out in words and deed. He said he showed me but he could not tell me. That did not make sense. He showed me in ways HE wanted to show me but not like I needed it. He thought he should get credit for things he should be doing anyway. Im bitter right now so forgive me for being negative. But men are good at going thru the motions.

 

That's not good - did things but heart is nowhere in it. I'm sorry he did that to you and put you through this pain.

[OliveJuice]

Wow! The support on this site is awsome! Thank you so much.

Cobra, I'm sorry I became defensive. I do understand what you were trying to say. Let me try to explain...I don't want my marriage to go back to the way it was. I really do want things to get better. I've thought about and discussed going to counseling, but it all boils down to respect. And he has a difficult time with that. I've accepted a lot of negative behavior that I should have nipped in the bud years ago. My mom and sister love him, but they tell me I'm emotionally abused. I've researched it, and it's not as bad as some stories, but the years of disrespect had lowered my self-esteem. I found it again, myself...before my EA. I think because of my job. I discovered how strong and independant I really was. I had forgotten. But, instead of my H embracing that and being happy that I again became the woman he fell in love with, I think it threatened him. So, he tried even harder to bring me down. (I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but that's my analyzation.) Which, in part, led to my EA. Someone else saw me.

And then when my H became suspicious? of my hanging out with new friends...he realized that he was taking me for granted. Which led to my "Update" post. Well, now that I'm not coming home late and spending too much time online, he has already began to cuss at me over stupid stuff and yell and go into silent mode. It's going right back to the way it was. I have been trying. I've been affectionate. But I don't think I can ever be who he wants me to be. I really don't know what to do there.

So, what can I do except stay? (Really, any advice there would be helpful.)

Nextel, that was a very good explanation. I don't think your putting anyone down with that. You are right on.

Lyssa, I'm sure I will be leaning on you all as I sort all this out. You all are a blessing. Thank you so much for the shoulder.

[Lyssa]

Well, now that I'm not coming home late and spending too much time online, he has already began to cuss at me over stupid stuff and yell and go into silent mode. It's going right back to the way it was. I have been trying. I've been affectionate. But I don't think I can ever be who he wants me to be. I really don't know what to do there.

So, what can I do except stay? (Really, any advice there would be helpful.)

 

Lyssa, I'm sure I will be leaning on you all as I sort all this out. You all are a blessing. Thank you so much for the shoulder.

 

Do you think H will want to go through IC? I was emotionally abused by an X when I was in my early 20s - that scarred me for a long time. I can only tell you that I know how you feel about being emotionally abused. The thoughts you have, how it makes you feel. It is draining.

 

You're welcome, OJ. Trust me on this - there are more experienced people on LS that can help you through this. I do what I can .

[Cobra_X30]

Cobra, I'm sorry I became defensive. I do understand what you were trying to say. Let me try to explain...I don't want my marriage to go back to the way it was. I really do want things to get better. I've thought about and discussed going to counseling, but it all boils down to respect. And he has a difficult time with that. I've accepted a lot of negative behavior that I should have nipped in the bud years ago. My mom and sister love him, but they tell me I'm emotionally abused. I've researched it, and it's not as bad as some stories, but the years of disrespect had lowered my self-esteem. I found it again, myself...before my EA. I think because of my job. I discovered how strong and independant I really was. I had forgotten. But, instead of my H embracing that and being happy that I again became the woman he fell in love with, I think it threatened him. So, he tried even harder to bring me down. (I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but that's my analyzation.) Which, in part, led to my EA. Someone else saw me.

And then when my H became suspicious? of my hanging out with new friends...he realized that he was taking me for granted. Which led to my "Update" post. Well, now that I'm not coming home late and spending too much time online, he has already began to cuss at me over stupid stuff and yell and go into silent mode. It's going right back to the way it was. I have been trying. I've been affectionate. But I don't think I can ever be who he wants me to be. I really don't know what to do there.

So, what can I do except stay? (Really, any advice there would be helpful.)

 

LOL... that wasn't a bad type defensive.

 

How do you think your husband feels about himself?

 

Just from your description... I'd say he pretty much hates himself. It really sounds like he is actually trying to bring you down to his level. I see guys do that all the time when they feel low. They try to make those around them feel just as low. This should make them feel better, and it does a little, but never enough.

 

However, that's just a possibility. Point is I don't think you can help him. I think the best you can do is motivate him to help himself. It needs to happen. As Lyssa wisely states... your Husband may need independant counseling!

[9Lives]

That's not good - did things but heart is nowhere in it. I'm sorry he did that to you and put you through this pain.

 

Yeah it was no fun and I could tell something was missing. He called me every day. He came to see me two or three times a week. He wanted to have sex but he was not touchy feelie. I would do most of the touching. He would call me man instead of baby and I did not like that. He never complimented me but instead would say the opposite of what I have been hearing all day. He would invite me out to hang with him and his friends but he would not really talk to me. Then if I acted like I did not want to be with him, he would change and be more tentative. He invited me to go to the games to watch his daughter play her games. He came over for new years but left about 30 minutes before the new year. Then he was like i care but I dont know where my heart is anymore. I had enough...that piss me off so bad....now the m/f 'er was torn. I was like get the hell away from me....you are a idoit!!!!!

[OliveJuice]

Do you think H will want to go through IC? I was emotionally abused by an X when I was in my early 20s - that scarred me for a long time. I can only tell you that I know how you feel about being emotionally abused. The thoughts you have, how it makes you feel. It is draining.

 

You're welcome, OJ. Trust me on this - there are more experienced people on LS that can help you through this. I do what I can .

 

Lyssa, I don't mean to pry, but can you tell me some of the things you went through as an example of being emotionally abused?

Sometimes I wonder if my H isn't bi-polar or something, as his moods vary so drastically...sometimes from moment to moment.

He says really hurtful things sometimes and then ten minutes later want to be overly affectionate and then I try to talk to him about his hurting my feelings and he gets mad and tells me I'm the one who's just trying to "start sh**".

He is very sarcastic and says very mean things in a "joking" manner. For example, we were getting ready to go to a upper class party and I was trying to look nice. (Being that I'm an officer, I rarely take the time to dress up and feel pretty.) Anyway, I was thinking about wearing a fairly short skirt with tights and had tried it on when he came into the room. I thought I'd hear a nice compliment, but instead got, "Are you trying to look like a whore?" He was "just joking", but needless to say, I ended up wearing jeans.

It's that constant sarcasm that causes so much resentment to build up inside me. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just gets mad at me. It's a vicious cycle.

So, is that similar to some of the things you experienced? Just curious.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa, I don't mean to pry, but can you tell me some of the things you went through as an example of being emotionally abused?

Sometimes I wonder if my H isn't bi-polar or something, as his moods vary so drastically...sometimes from moment to moment.

He says really hurtful things sometimes and then ten minutes later want to be overly affectionate and then I try to talk to him about his hurting my feelings and he gets mad and tells me I'm the one who's just trying to "start sh**".

He is very sarcastic and says very mean things in a "joking" manner. For example, we were getting ready to go to a upper class party and I was trying to look nice. (Being that I'm an officer, I rarely take the time to dress up and feel pretty.) Anyway, I was thinking about wearing a fairly short skirt with tights and had tried it on when he came into the room. I thought I'd hear a nice compliment, but instead got, "Are you trying to look like a whore?" He was "just joking", but needless to say, I ended up wearing jeans.

It's that constant sarcasm that causes so much resentment to build up inside me. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he just gets mad at me. It's a vicious cycle.

So, is that similar to some of the things you experienced? Just curious.

 

The part I bolded - been there!

 

He's one year older and when we were seeing each other I was somewhere in my early twenties. We knew each other way before that - think I was 16 or 17. Anyway, he was real nice then and the more I got to know him, the more I liked him and we got together. I was young - what did I know!

 

So after a a few months, he started to show his true colours. Calling me names whenever we argue over petty things. He'd tell me I should be lucky that he wanted me cause no other guy would want me - stuff like that.

 

I didn't know he was still seeing his X when we got together - I thought she was the OW, instead I got to know later on - I was the OW! Whatever wrong she (the X) did, he'd get on her side. I was never right and I was the wh0re. He'd break up with me, telling me I'd never find someone - constantly putting me down and I didn't know why I was so stupid back then. I'd always take him back all the time. I think it was because I believed him when he said NO ONE would want me the way he did

 

Like your H, whenever I dressed up nicely for our outings - he'd tell me to change cause I looked like I was drawing attention and that'd make me a slut. I remember wearing a nice skirt with a blouse - didn't know sluts dressed that way!

 

The final straw came when we were at my brother's printing shop, he came to see me and got mad at me about something. We were at the back and he raised his hand - I didn't know what got into me but I stopped him. Told him enough is enough.

 

I broke it off, he pleaded that I take him back. I didn't cause within 2 months, I met someone else - took me quite a while to get used to the idea of another man wanting me. I told him about the new guy and again, he said really nasty things that got me thinking twice about continuing with the new guy but thinking back what he did and said to me... I was better off with the new guy.

 

Oh yes, resentments... I couldn't even look at him anymore. Honestly, up till today - I have no idea what I saw in him!

[IWALH]

I'm sitting here re-hashing my short term (3 mo.) A with a MM. I just keep kicking myself because I believed him. Just to vent, I hope you don't mind that I list some of them here. Can anyone relate?

"I love you."

"You are amazing"

"You satisfy my soul"

"My W and I don't belong together."

"It's been over for a long time."

"I can never leave my kids."

"I've never been this happy."

"I want to be with YOU."

"The timing just isn't right."

"I wish we were going to OUR apartment right now."

"I can't end my M because of an A. It's not meant to be and, in time, she'll see that."

"You are so beautiful."

"If I leave, she'll never let me see my kids."

"I don't want my kids to call another man Dad."

"You and I are meant to be."

"My parents/friends/kids would LOVE you."

"I miss you."

"I love you."

"I meant every word I ever said to you."

 

 

OH MY GOSH!!!

 

You MUST be dating the same MM I was dating?! He sure gets around!

 

[phoenixrising]

don't mean to change the thread, but, OJ, google "Borderline Personality Disorder" and see if these traits fit your husband.

[Tame]

I am sorry that you are hurting. I wish there was more that could be said to help your heart heal fast. So, I am going to be cautiously sensitive as I attempt to make my point.

In an effort to educate some women who want to be schooled on a some of these things, please understand that I am not putting anyone down. We all make mistakes, but we must learn from them and then go from there.

 

 

90% of the time, the first thing a man wants when he meets a woman that he is attracted to is to get in her pants. A man will say and do anything a woman wants for as long as he has not had sex with her. But he will also say and do anything to get in her pants. That is why they say a woman has a lot of power.

 

If you really want a man, don't trust his words. Watch his actions. I don't know how long a woman can hold off sex, but I say, hold off until you get what you want and/or are comfortable with the level you are operating on. It is not enough to let your emotions and neediness get in the way of your objectives. Not all men are sensitive towards women's feelings. Most men are only interested in what they can get. A man will only get what you let him have. Be greedy and nicely selfish. Make him work hard to win you over, afterall, that is what a man is supposed to do. Win a woman's heart. Men are hunters by nature and if you change that course (regardless of how progressive we have become in society), he will lose interest because he feels that he did not have to do much to have sex with you.

 

 

Please don't feel like I am putting you or anyone down, I merely offering what I know and I hope you can draw from this experience, take a little of what we all offer and use it to your advantage. Good luck to you.

 

That is great advice Nextel, especially for women seeking single guys. However, the above rules DO NOT apply to married guys. MM are former SG's who have mastered the art of wooing women, after all, they've convinced one to marry them. Let's just say that MM are former single guys who know how to play the game. Of course, that is not true of all MM, plenty of them love their wives and wouldn't even think of having an EMA.

 

It is true that men want to pursue and conquer but when dealing with a MM it really does not matter how long you hold off having sex with him b/c he can get sex at home. So don't deceive yourselves into thinking you are getting the upper hand on a MM by making him wait. You are not. As a matter of fact unless this is a man you know for 100% sure that you will not become emotionally attached to you will NEVER have the upper hand, you will always be the underdog. Don't settle for that crap! The more you make the MM wait (as opposed to flat out turning down his advances and telling him he is a creep for seeking sex outside of his marriage) the more he will know you are interested and can be manipulated. A single girl who isn't interested doesn't involve herself in playing games with a MM so if you are, he already has you where he wants you, all he has to do is wait for the opportunity to pounce. It's the same sh*t, different colors, girls. I am all about advising women, just as Nextel is, to be smart about your choices in men. I love men but when it comes to women, the last thing they are thinking about is being smart, they are thinking about getting their rocks off, that's the truth. So we women have to be the smart ones b/c it is often our hearts that are at stake and those of us who have experienced heartache we know it is worth it to be smart when making choices about relationships.