soconfused01 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 So it's all very complicated. Ready? I'm 21 and my (ex) boyfriend is 31. When I first met him I had just turned 20 and he was 29. He was dating a girl who is two years younger than I am. It's apparent he's emotionally stunted and still lives the life of a 21 year old, drinking too much, not that great a job, etc. We went on two dates while he was in this 'casual' relationship with the younger girl. I didn't know about it at the time. After those two dates, he disappeared for 6 months. I hated him. Then he broke up with that girl and we started hanging out, I forgave him for his behavior with me in the past and we started dating. A few days after making our relationship official, I left town and this girl spent the night with my boyfriend. She is bi and rather promiscious and had been treated like a one night stand to a one night stand that she had feelings for and went to my boyfriend for comfort. This event, and the fact that he slept naked (she was clothed) next to someone he knew threatened me, has poisoned our whole relationship. I believe nothing happened but it's still hard for me to be around her. Regardless, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and we live together. He's still friends with his ex girlfriend and eventually I begrudgingly accepted this and even made efforts a few months ago to bury the hatchet with her. Now here's where it gets complicated. He's been unknowingly emotionally abusing me for the whole relationship. The most hurtful thing is that he has compared me sexually to his past, and in a negative fashing. I was a virgin when we first had sex and he's a LOT more experienced than I am. This has only made my jealousies and insecurities worse. A friend pointed out that this (among other things less relevant) was emotional abuse to both of us a few days ago. After hearing it from someone else, he has agreed to go to counseling and treats me like a princess. He's everything I ever wanted him to be, says he wishes he had been a virgin when he met me, that he would give all his experiences away to have them with me, says I am more important than his past and that I don't have to ever see his ex girlfriend again. The catch it that in the relevation of abuse from our friend, I found out that my boyfriend, a few months before we started dating, had a foursome with the friend's girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend, and their roommate (girl). Now, everyone of the girls involved is are really promiscous and my boyfriend never even liked the other two as people. He says it was 'just sex' and that he's sorry he cheated with his friend's girlfriend but not sorry for the experience because he's always wanted do that. On top of things, I found out that the friend that told me this told me so I would hate my boyfriend, in sort of a delayed revenge plot. And I found out he kept sleeping with his girlfriend after this incident and had another girl, one of my friends, give him a blowjob afterwards without even washing off! and bragged to my boyfriend about it! my boyfriend told me this to show that this friend is a ****tier person than he is. A side note to this is that one of the girls that he had the foursome with has HPV and had it at the time. My boyfriend has never had symptoms and neither have I so I might not have it, but all the same, he put me at risk for that and I could never know for sure. I can forgive my boyfriend for emotionally abusing me because I know he never meant to and believe that he is trying to change. I just don't think I can get over the foursome. It would be a different matter entirely if the even took place when he was younger but the man is 31! Yes, he's obviously emotionally stunted. But maybe that shouldn't be an excuse. It's partly my insecurities: I will never be three promiscious women and if I continue a relationship with him I might always compare out sex life to that act and feel like it falls short. It's partly my jealousy. Why should I give him all my experiences? What about my experiementation? Granted, I do not have a desire to do what he did or to have multiple partners, but I don't want to resent him for being my first and last. I feel like I have to do all the hard work in dealing with his past and he doesn't have to meet anyone who's fcked me or deal with my past. it's partly my morals. Experimentation is one thing and I try not to judge other people. But I feel the right to judge my partner. I believe in THIS particular situation, it was group sex between four emotionally unstable people and they all took advantage of each other. Plus, my boyfriend knowingly had sex with his rooommate's (the friend that told me) girlfriend. That's selfish and mean. The guy was about to propose. And it has always bothered me that my boyfriend's last relationship was just a casual sexual one with a friend of his who was 17 when it first began. I believe she is one of those promiscious girls who everyone things is 'so progressive' but in the end she comes away crying because her body couldnt buy her love. I think my boyfriend unknowingly took advantage of her by having this relationship with her. The entire situation, the people involved, and how recently it happened disgusts me and I feel very differently about my boyfriend now. I don't know what to do or even what I want. I am seeing counseling but I wanted to get you guy's advice as well. SORRY SO LONG. Hope someone reads it...
Florida Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 (edited) I don't even know where to start....why did you take him back after the first cheating time? I noticed you are doing a LOT of displaced anger on the girls involved, I think the word promiscous was used no less than 8 times to describe them, but what about your BF? I'm going to give it to you straight-a 31 year old man (cough) who is so conniving and dirty and backstabbing in his relkations with everyone who crosses his path NEEDS to have a young naive girl like yourself to put up with it, because no one else would. Dump this loser. Let him find someone that doesn't know better. I believe you know better, that's why you are in so much pain. add-on: I would be willing to bet he did more than just lie there next to her naked or whatever. They say that to give the minimum details to pull one over on you. That is the understatement of the year. Edited February 14, 2008 by Florida
Author soconfused01 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 If he ever cheated on me, I wouldn't be with him. He was in a casual relationship when we went on two dates. Nothing happened between us but a kiss and his girlfriend at the time knew we had gone out. About that relationship he was just ****ing a friend basically but was searching for a serious relationship at the same time. Fcked up way to go about it, but forgiveable in my book. The time she spent the night, he thought he was doing a good deed by comforting her. He has since realized that it was wrong of him to comfort her to the extent that he didn't make her sleep on the couch. I'm not saying I shouldn't dump him and run away fast. I don't know. But he didn't cheat on me and if he had the path I need to take would be crystal clear to me. Thanks for your reply
Author soconfused01 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 On top of things, I found out that the friend that told me this told me so I would hate my boyfriend, in sort of a delayed revenge plot. And I found out he kept sleeping with his girlfriend after this incident and had another girl, one of my friends, give him a blowjob afterwards without even washing off! and bragged to my boyfriend about it! my boyfriend told me this to show that this friend is a ****tier person than he is. I meant it to be more clear that the FRIEND that told me everything was the one that kept sleeping with one of the girls involved, not my boyfriend
Replicant Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I can forgive my boyfriend for emotionally abusing me because I know he never meant to and believe that he is trying to change. I just don't think I can get over the foursome. It would be a different matter entirely if the even took place when he was younger but the man is 31! Yes, he's obviously emotionally stunted. But maybe that shouldn't be an excuse. Aside from all the differences in age and immaturity in you both. Most of the character traits he exhibits for a 31 year old are completely up to you to decide on how that suits you in the long term. All the things you speak of are personal choices made by both him and yourself. It was his choice to do a foursome, his choice to have sex with you at some point after exposing you to diseases. His choice to use leverage of his past experience to emotionally abuse you. His choice to be a total deadbeat at age 31. Your choice to accept such a person as your boyfriend. Clearly you see issues here or you would not be posting, nor would your friends be outlining issues which you are not allowing yourself to see and accept with your own eyes.
Author soconfused01 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 (edited) Crap... I'm 'that girl' hoping he can change. I know the relationship we were in is not what I want, I walked from that. It seems genuine to me (but I doubt my ability to judge him) that because someone outside of our relationship spelled it out to him, told him he'd been wrong, he finally realized it. What IF that's acutally happening and I can give him the chance to prove that he won't be in the same place ten years from now and we work out? THAT, I can do. That time, I can give him. A second chance? He's got it. But the foursome is what I'm obsessing on. I worry that I'm being too judgemental. He has this whole 'experience' thing going on, parts of which I admire. He's lived abroad, and wants to see the world, he wants to try new things, he wanted to experience everything! ...and that included a foursome. He said the only reason he did it is because he thought it would be fun. Lots have guys right? I just don't know if I can get over it. I'm a pretty open minded person, and sexually more outgoing and more physically secure than he is. I think it would be easier if I had had ever had casual sex. Then I would know it was possible for it to mean nothing? And what does it mean that he is capable of that? Does having sex with two women you can't stand to talk to, mean you can see people as things to use? I can't help thinking of all the guys I know that wouldn't have done that. Edited February 14, 2008 by soconfused01
Replicant Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Crap... I'm 'that girl' hoping he can change. I know the relationship we were in is not what I want, I walked from that. It seems genuine to me (but I doubt my ability to judge him) that because someone outside of our relationship spelled it out to him, told him he'd been wrong, he finally realized it. What IF that's acutally happening and I can give him the chance to prove that he won't be in the same place ten years from now and we work out? THAT, I can do. That time, I can give him. A second chance? He's got it. But the foursome is what I'm obsessing on. I worry that I'm being too judgemental. He has this whole 'experience' thing going on, parts of which I admire. He's lived abroad, and wants to see the world, he wants to try new things, he wanted to experience everything! ...and that included a foursome. He said the only reason he did it is because he thought it would be fun. Lots have guys right? I just don't know if I can get over it. I'm a pretty open minded person, and sexually more outgoing and more physically secure than he is. I think it would be easier if I had had ever had casual sex. Then I would know it was possible for it to mean nothing? And what does it mean that he is capable of that? Does having sex with two women you can't stand to talk to, mean you can see people as things to use? I can't help thinking of all the guys I know that wouldn't have done that. Seems like your own morals are fighting with some strange sense of devotion here. On one hand i wouldn't expect the average 21 year old girl to really be experienced in relationships, actually be more prone to what you say about overlooking and providing second chances to ignorance to first loves and such. On the other hand i would say a 31 year old guy whom has 10 years on you life experience wise has taken advantage of you in ways likely when you are 31 you would have a different way of reacting and dealing with such things you speak of. If this guy is worth it to you then you need to accept it all and deal with the future as it comes. Though....You can't paint a picture of trash, then climb into the same bag and come out of it clean.
BlueHaiku Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 This story has red flags all over the place. I'd say RUN AWAY! You are rationalizing a ton of awful behavior. Yes, each incident can be rationalized, but taken together they paint an ugly picture of a person who really truly does not care about other human beings as human beings. You said yourself "he's emotionally stunted" - is this the kind of man you really want? Change is possible, but it takes a person of GREAT strength and fortitude to do so. This doesn't sound like a man of great strength and fortitude.
Author soconfused01 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 so, update: I'm staying with him a while longer, just to see if he's really changing for good. We're not back in a relationship but we do kiss and have sex on occasion. This is my problem now. Partly because he is my first sexual partner and partly because of the person I am, before I found out about his sordid history I never just ****ed him. I made love. I could have cared less about orgasm. After we first broke up and we kept having sex and it was clear I was still making love and it was just sex to him. After learning about his sexual history, the roles are reversed. He's making love and it's just sex to me. It's never been just sex to me! That freaks me out because I don't want to start being capable of using people. And it makes me feel empty inside afterwards. Another change is that I no longer CARE about his pleasure. Before all this happened, I fantazised about pleasing him and now I feel like I'll never be the best so why try? I feel like I CAN'T please him. I will never be three people, and not three whores at that. I'll never be as experienced as a prostitute (10 years further back in his sexual history- acts that he is actually sorry for). Why bother? it's just about sex for me and it's just about me. help! I miss making love.
Author soconfused01 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 wow, that's really hot. Do you know how many men would kill for that experience? I just know how many wouldn't. But you're right about values. :-(
mental_traveller Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 (edited) From the way you refer to these other girls (who presumably have done you no harm) you sound very judgemental. Do these "prostitutes" and "whores" actually sell sex in exchange for cash? If not, then you are being totally out of line for describing them that way. You might want to try a little more tolerance to others. Other than that, it is clear that you and your bf have polar opposite views on sex. If you stay you will just suffer. Regarding the woman who slept over with your bf, how do you know they didn't do anything sexual - were you there? As a guy, I *guarantee* you that no man with your bf's history sleeps naked next to a chick without banging her, or at least getting sucked off. It just doesn't happen. Of course, guys don't tell that to their gfs, they will say something like "she's just a friend, she needed reassurance blah blah blah". Either listen to us and leave now, or stay and leave later of your own accord, with a lot more emotional pain and possibly HPV or some other disease - your choice. Edited February 17, 2008 by mental_traveller
Author soconfused01 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 oh, they have done me harm and him to boot. but it is about him and not them. I guess I should leave. I actually know I should. But I will beat the horse some more, just to make sure it's really dead. I think it might be possible to get over the prostitutes 10 years ago, because before me he was sorry for that. the real problem is the foursome because he doesn't think he did anything wrong and I want to stress that if the situation was different, i might not think it was wrong either. i don't think foursomes are inherently wrong. And I think it would bother me just as much if he had just had sex with the girl who had a boyfriend. I think that's a big part of whats bothering me. I guess maybe it's might be our perspective and not our values? possibly? I'm not sure. maybe both. He views it as an act between consenting adults and I see it as an act (regardless of his sexual health) with three women who I know have unhealthy (plain and simple, with no judgement on morality) sex lives.
mistie03 Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 And what does it mean that he is capable of that? Does having sex with two women you can't stand to talk to, mean you can see people as things to use? Yes. I have a problem with the fact that he uses your inexperience as a way of emotionally abusing you. If he wants someone that is a lot more sexually experienced, I think that he wouldn't be dating you. I would think that he would value the fact that you chose to give that to him and not half the town. Also, the fact that he would have sex with his friend's girlfriend doesn't say much about his character.
Author soconfused01 Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 he says he sorry about wronging the friend and that they weren't friends just roommates at the time. I know it sounds like I'm defending the devil here, I just want to get facts straight so I can have valid advice. but you are totally right, just because someone wasn't my friend, I wouldn't sleep with their SO. It IS a matter of character. I dont know what to do. There are so many good things about this man. He is a moral man on all other points. I feel like he chooses not to see right from wrong when it is something he wants to do, like 'experience' a foursome, no matter what the cost, like dating a 17 year old who on the surface appears stable and sexually healthy, instead of really asking himself if she is. Is that selfishness to be taken just as selfishness? Is not seeing that something is wrong the same as choosing to do something wrong?
Recommended Posts