princesspookie Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I have been in a relationship with a man for 2 years now. One year into the relationship I became pregnant. I have 3 other children and he has one other child (who he has sole custody of) and I recently gave birth to “our” daughter. We all live together and he moved 400 miles from everything he has known to move in with me prior to my pregnancy. I have a good job, am the primary bread winner in the family (although he tries hard), and a post graduate education with the potential to make over 6 figures once I am finished my training... I also bust my butt everyday taking care of the kids and the house. I may not be a super-model but I am not completely ugly either. I would like to believe that at least I am worth something to him and he tells me so daily however when I first found out I was pregnant I asked if we could get married before the baby was born and he LAUGHED in my face, no really he actually laughed???? Since then I have brought up the topic one other time (in the last month) and it was after we had been drinking (admittedly not the best time to have this conversation) and got basically the same response but this time he added how I am a slut who had sex with him on the first date (which is true but I had not been with anyone for over a year, so being a sexual person I guess I was desperate). I don’t think it would have hurt more if he punched me in the face. He won’t ever seriously talk about it at all. Don’t get me wrong I am an independent woman and the only reason I considered it in the first place was because I was pregnant, now I guess it does not really matter except that the people at work all know we are “shacking up” and comments have been made, mostly behind my back. Recently I gave him the ultimatum either get serious get married, and help me buy a house or leave. Need-less-to-say he is still there, we are not married or engaged and if a house gets purchased, it will be entirely in my name. At this point if he even proposed I would demand a date because I know he would not be serious. I was married to someone else when we first met but had been separated from him for 2 years prior to our meeting and have since gotten a divorce. He has never been married before. I feel like I am completely worthless to him and it really, really hurts! Especially around this time because it has been a year since I first asked him and valentines days ect.. Any suggestions? I guess I am torn because I could just cut him loose but I will always still have to deal with him because of our daughter. [/sIZE][/FONT]
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 He laughed in your face when you told him you wanted to get married because you have a child together???? And he told you that you were a slut because you slept with him on the first date??? I don't think I'd want a husband who would be that much of a jerk. I think you should lose this dude and just deal with him for your child. It doesn't sound too much like he wants to marry you, unfortunately. Nor does he sound like he would be a very good husband anyway!!!!
curiousnycgirl Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I asked if we could get married before the baby was born and he LAUGHED in my face, no really he actually laughed???? Since then I have brought up the topic one other time (in the last month) and it was after we had been drinking (admittedly not the best time to have this conversation) and got basically the same response but this time he added how I am a slut who had sex with him on the first date [/sIZE][/FONT] You need to leave him. Fine continue some contact for the sake of your daughter - but you clearly deserve way better than the BS above. Newslfash - he slept with you on the first date too!
Enema Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I don't think that having a child together is a good reason to just up and get married to (clearly) the wrong person. He sounds horrible, I think you deserve better. Also, check this out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birth_control
Author princesspookie Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]Thank you... yeah the birth control comment give me a break! I was actually very careful, and considering sterilization prior to the time I became pregnant but due to a busy schedule at the time I could not take off the recommended 2 days off. It was a surprise to the both of us. Being very pro-choice it was a difficult decision, don’t rush to judgment! Nothing out there is 100% no matter how perfect it is used! Possibly you should read the "wikpedia" article yourself, paying close attention to the failure rates of all different forms of birth control. [/FONT][/COLOR] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
norajane Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I didn't read anything in your post about loving him or him loving you. Why do you want to marry him when he thinks of you as a slut? Why pin your hopes onto a man who makes you feel bad about yourself and him? You don't need him, and he has no intention of marrying you, so you are MUCH better off leaving him so you can be free to meet a man who can treasure you instead of insulting you.
sally4sara Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Well I don't see how only you could be having sex on the first date so he must be a slut too! Dear OP, this man is a joke. Yes you have a kid with him....and what? That in no way obligates you to have to continue to deal with him slowly chipping away your self esteem. I'm sure it hurt to hear him laugh and call you a slut over the idea of marriage, but seeing as how this is the kind of man he is, count yourself lucky. Stop thinking of his response as a measure of your worth and start looking at it as a measure of his worth. He doesn't sound like he is worth much. Certainly not worth your hand in marriage. He sounds lazy and rude. Why would you want to marry him?
Lyssa Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I didn't read anything in your post about loving him or him loving you. Why do you want to marry him when he thinks of you as a slut? Why pin your hopes onto a man who makes you feel bad about yourself and him? You don't need him, and he has no intention of marrying you, so you are MUCH better off leaving him so you can be free to meet a man who can treasure you instead of insulting you. NJ said it! And you don't deserve to be treated the way he did you.
norajane Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 NJ said it! And you don't deserve to be treated the way he did you. I wouldn't want a man like that anywhere NEAR my kids, and certainly would hate to be stuck with him for a lifetime!
Author princesspookie Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I guess I should add after reading the comments, he is normally extremely nice and jovial, constantly giving me compliments ect... He only called me a slut that one time (not that it excuses anything but it was out of the norm for him and again we had both been drinking that evening). That is what makes this so hard if he was just a big jerk fine but again he normally is extremely nice and treats me pretty good. He is fun to be around and does add good things to my life in general. Another weird aspect is that he tells his friends and co-workers he made since moving here that we are married, which makes me very confused so now when I meet his new friends and co-workers ect and they call him my husband I make sure to correct them, OK this is a bit passive aggressive but what else am I to do. Basically I do not know what to believe anymore and am very confused. [/FONT][/sIZE]
norajane Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I'm still not seeing anything about love...
ElvenPriestess Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Ok, here's the break down I'm getting. You want commitment, hence you want marriage. He laughed it off. You two have different goals. I don't care if he was drinking or not, there is NO excuse for what he called you. Now, as far as what to do. Well you've tried talking to him, telling him what you want and that you won't accept anything less. But I think you will find with him you always be settling for less. You need to realize that although you have a child together, all three of you will be miserable should things continue this way. Put your foot down, and stick to it. For him, put out (commitment, marriage, etc) or get out!
Enema Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I was actually very careful, and considering sterilization prior to the time I became pregnant but due to a busy schedule at the time I could not take off the recommended 2 days off. How many days off did you take to have the children?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Ok, you said he only called you a slut one time? So what? Even saying that comment to you makes him a jerk, whether it was a one time thing or not. Do you really want to marry a man who has called you a slut? Do you disrespect yourself that much? I'm sorry but laughing about marrying you and calling you a slut do not make him "extremely nice." They make him a major a-hole. In response to him telling other people you are married. Have you asked him why he does this? I can understand that when you have children together/live together and aren't married yet it FEELS like you are, but actually telling people you are is strange. And you SHOULD correct them. I think you need to ask him why he does this. And point out the disrepancy in his actions that he laughs at marrying you but turns around and tells people you are his wife. Call him on his behavior and see how he reacts. As Norajane questioned: Do you two really love each other? Throughout this whole thread, being in love with him is not a reason you have given for wanting to marry this man. Why is that? I have one more question: Has he ever hurt you? Like physically?
Ronni_W Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I guess I am torn because I could just cut him loose but I will always still have to deal with him because of our daughter. Princess, for just a moment, forget about the history and family that you have in common... Now, when you think about your absolute "ideal husband" how close does this guy get? If needed, make a point-form list of everything you want, need, desire and dream of, from your romantic relationship...then check off any that he even comes close to filling or helping you fill. Yes, you will both need to be parents to your daughter. But that does not mean that you also have to commit to a lifetime of being on the wrong side of his hostility whenever the mood strikes him. You realy do deserve to be treated like a, er, Princess!
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