carrot10 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hi all~ I have googled this topic and found a lot of useful info but I'm wondering if there are any commitment phobic people on this forum. If so, how do you feel in a relationship? what are you thinking? Are you just trying to get the other person to fall for you and then leave or do you go into a relationship with good intentions? Just curious~ thanks in advance!
lexi29 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I'm not a true commitment phobic person (although I believe I have dated some) because I've been in long term relationships, been engaged and none of that scared me. I don't have a problem being in a long term relationship and hope to get married one day. Yet the idea of marriage scares the heck of me!! I was engaged several years ago (we were engaged for about a year and a half(I was 21) and my best friend was getting married and we went to pick up her wedding dress. While at the shop she talked me into trying on a dress I liked. I had never tried on wedding dresses before (we were engaged but not in the process of planning a wedding if that makes sense) and I tried this beautiful dress on and looked in the mirror and literally had a panic attack!! I felt like I was choking, that I couldn't breathe and I started yelling, "get this off, get this off me!" I totally freaked out. To this day, every once in awhile at a friend's wedding I get kind of queasy thinking about standing up there with someone reciting vows. So again, I'm not a true commitment phobic person but I have some of the tendencies. No, I don't go into relationships trying to make the other person fall for me and then leave. Any time a relationship has ended it wasnt' because I was scared of commitment, it either involved the guy ending it or if I ended it, it was because of infidelity, lying, or just not being compatible. Once it was because my bf wouldn't commit to me. I believe I dated a commitment phobic before- he put on a great act- he was the one who was pushy about marriage and said I love you first and talked about buying a house together etc but when it came down to it I think he was terrified of settling down (and this was a guy in his 30's)
Author carrot10 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks for the reply. I'm just trying to figure some stuff out about me and my current relationship. It started really fast-we became exclusive after 1 weekend. We are going on 6 months together. I have no reason other than my own insecurities to not think this is a good thing. I think people put ideas into my mind because he has never been married and is in his 40's. We have a mutual friend (that's how we met) and she knows his past relationship history. It's pretty even -sometimes he broke it off -sometimes the woman did-I am starting to think he just hadn't found the right one. Then someone comes along and goes" He hasn't been married?!! He's a commitment phobe" Then my wheels start spinning!!!
4givrnt4gtr Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 DOnt let anyone tell you your bf is this or that. THey dont know him and even if they do, unless they were his past gf (and even then), there is no way they could know. My friends sometimes say my bf is a commitment phobe bc he wants to take the relationship slow. Well upon further investigation (actually his own revelation) his need to take it slow is because of his need to make sure whoever he is dating is a good match to him, and him to her. And by make sure i mean, marriage, divorce is not an option type of sure. Also, he comes from a culture where family is the most important thing and he needs to make sure the girl he brings home (he's never brought one), is because he is at least 90% sure he wants to marry her and she would be a good fit not only for him but in his family too. Not many people can take those stipulations, specially in western countries. I fortunately, although am not the same race as he is, grew up with similar feelings regarding marriage, and I am able to respect his feelings towards his family (and even admire them!) so I can be patient even if the whole world says he "just isnt that into you" (blah!). My point is, you need to find out what HIS reasons for not being married are. If he tells you he just hasnt found the right person, ask him what he considers "the right" person. Anyhow... I noticed I have a bit of commitment issues....One day i love the idea of marrying my bf...the next, as I am cooking him something and him sitting in the sofa, i freak the heck out thinking "this is it". I get the urge to run as far as my legs can take me. OR when we have a conversation that closes any gap between us...it scares the living bejesus out of me, and i dont even know what triggered it. Or even better, i analyze to death a look, a word, a sentence, even a vibe, anything that can give me an excuse to bail. I have had to fight this urge for a while now, and Im glad i have become aware of it so i can tell myself to stop it. Thing is though..he has no idea. So, tbh...i think commitmentment phobes arent as obvious as people paint them. IF u were to talk to me u would think i am dying to get married to my lovely boy....but deep inside, im shaking in my boots.
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Commitment phobics do not believe they are, in fact, incapable of intimacy. They wouldn't know they are one...
shadowplay Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 *Tend to see things in black and white or be extremely moody. Go from idealizing to devaluing their SO/love interests. Their emotions are often intense but fleeting. They may also alternate between emotionally flat (empty) and emotionally intense. Bottomline: inconsistent behavior and affect. Example: May share a moment with their SO of extreme intimacy only to pull back in fear. *Fall fast based on little information. Then retreat and completely lose interest. *Eager to please at the beginning. Very sensitive to rejection. *Usually have strained relationships with one or both parents. Most commonly a withholding/inconsistent mother.
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