Short Lived Relationship w/ Big Problems

[Little Shy]

Juno, my heart goes out to you.

Who knows what this guy will do. One thing if for sure right now, this guy is scared, scared, scared. I figure you are as well, but the difference being that at least you feel as if you may have some control, or decision here, where he feels like he has none. A hell of a position for him to find himself in, all things considered in this relationship, or lack there of.

What he should do, and what he will do, may unfortunately prove to be very different things.

I hope that you really want to have this baby, and will be able to provide enough love & care for him/her as a single parent. Because it looks as if that may be the way the cards are stacked up here.

I will wish for you all the best, and a happy lifetime with your new one to come.

[blind_otter]

Do you recommend I just give him more time and wait until he contacts me?

 

I am so anxious to put my ducks in a row and to start to plan for the future, but I need to know where he stands.

 

Calm down. You have plenty of time, especially if you are in your first trimester. Hell I'm 19 weeks and I haven't even started the baby's room yet!

 

You won't know the sex of the baby until you are 18-20 weeks. You'll probably have 1-2 ultrasounds prior to that and a handful of OB appointments, which I have to admit do not require joint participation. Personally I'd rather go to my OB appointments alone, especially when I have to lay back with my legs in stirrups. Or the short ones where they just listen to the fetal heartbeat.

 

Make sure to check with your insurance policy to see what is and isn't covered, and what you will need to be responsible for.

 

Just do what you need to do right now. Don't wait for him to let you know what he will or will not do. If/when he does choose to participate you can then accomodate him.

[Juno]

Juno, my heart goes out to you.

Who knows what this guy will do. One thing if for sure right now, this guy is scared, scared, scared. I figure you are as well, but the difference being that at least you feel as if you may have some control, or decision here, where he feels like he has none. A hell of a position for him to find himself in, all things considered in this relationship, or lack there of.

What he should do, and what he will do, may unfortunately prove to be very different things.

I hope that you really want to have this baby, and will be able to provide enough love & care for him/her as a single parent. Because it looks as if that may be the way the cards are stacked up here.

I will wish for you all the best, and a happy lifetime with your new one to come.

 

Thank you for the encouraging words. It's been weeks and I still have not heard from him, and I have not attempted to contact him again.

 

I don't know if he is scared, or has just surpressed this event from his mind, (which I think is more likely).

 

His personality is such that he has no tolerance for anything that does not boost his ego, or is perceived as an accomplishment. I am positive after we broke-up, he didn't waste anytime finding someone else to fill the void. He is probably consumed with his new relationship and dosen't want to deal with anything that might put it in jeopardy.

 

I have completely abandoned his possible involvement, as I do need to focus on remaining stress-free and preparing myself financially and emotionally for the the arrival of the baby.

[Juno]

Calm down. You have plenty of time, especially if you are in your first trimester. Hell I'm 19 weeks and I haven't even started the baby's room yet!

 

Congrats to you. I did not know you were expecting too. I hope you are not facing this solo as I am.

[blind_otter]

Congrats to you. I did not know you were expecting too. I hope you are not facing this solo as I am.

 

I have, in the past. I was in a similar situation some years ago, but I was in the midst of getting out of an abusive relationship when I fell pregnant. I went through 14 weeks of doing everything alone, preparing alone, etc. The father was in and out of my life, was addicted to drugs and was violent. I ended up miscarrying, which in hidsight was the best outcome for that situation, but I understand how you feel. I could NEVER abort a baby that I was carrying, regardless of the circumstances through which the child was conceived. I respect your decision to keep the baby.

 

This time around I have a supportive partner, so that's good. I pretty much know both sides.

 

Just do what you need to do and focus on you and the baby. If, in the end, the father wants to be involved - then make accomodations and allow him that space (it is half his child). But don't depend on him.

[Kamille]

I think Blind Otter's post are really helpful and I'm glad you find support here.

 

Like the two of you, I could never make the choice to abort a child, so I congratulate you for a brave choice, and also wish you and your child a happy future.

 

I do wonder what's behind your focus on the father. I mean, I fully understand that you would like to know whether or not he wants to get involved. I think you should get in touch with him, send him an e-mail perhaps, saying the door is always opened if he wants to discuss whether or not he wants to be a part of the child's life, and if he does, what kind of involvement he wants. In your shoes, I would also look into the legal aspects of all this.

 

I know you most likely want to know where he stands so you can prepare for the future. I hope you realize that even between established couples, negotiationg parenthood is difficult. In your case, I would prepare for a few 'change of hearts' on his part. And you know what, since you made the decision to have the child unilateraly, he is allowed a few changes of heart.

 

But I would recommand you stop trying to analyze what the emotions are behind his actions. You seem to diminish what he might be feeling, and discard it fairly easily. I mean, unless the guy is a total @ss, then he is most likely thinking about this, feeling overwhelmed. And Juno, why does it matter whether or not he found someone right after you broke things off with him? You dumped him remember? You therefore forfeit any say on what he does in his love life and it shouldn't figure in the equation of you trying to figure out what role he will play in the child's life. I get the feeling that a part of your insistance on this point is you trying to prove to yourself that you made the right decision by breaking things off.

[Juno]

I think Blind Otter's post are really helpful and I'm glad you find support here.

 

Like the two of you, I could never make the choice to abort a child, so I congratulate you for a brave choice, and also wish you and your child a happy future.

 

I do wonder what's behind your focus on the father. I mean, I fully understand that you would like to know whether or not he wants to get involved. I think you should get in touch with him, send him an e-mail perhaps, saying the door is always opened if he wants to discuss whether or not he wants to be a part of the child's life, and if he does, what kind of involvement he wants. In your shoes, I would also look into the legal aspects of all this.

 

I know you most likely want to know where he stands so you can prepare for the future. I hope you realize that even between established couples, negotiationg parenthood is difficult. In your case, I would prepare for a few 'change of hearts' on his part. And you know what, since you made the decision to have the child unilateraly, he is allowed a few changes of heart.

 

But I would recommand you stop trying to analyze what the emotions are behind his actions. You seem to diminish what he might be feeling, and discard it fairly easily. I mean, unless the guy is a total @ss, then he is most likely thinking about this, feeling overwhelmed. And Juno, why does it matter whether or not he found someone right after you broke things off with him? You dumped him remember? You therefore forfeit any say on what he does in his love life and it shouldn't figure in the equation of you trying to figure out what role he will play in the child's life. I get the feeling that a part of your insistance on this point is you trying to prove to yourself that you made the right decision by breaking things off.

 

 

My focus really isn't on my ex. I guess I just wish things could be different. I don't really think anyone truely wants to go thru a pregnancy alone or to be a single parent. This is what I am facing, and yes I know it was my choice.

 

I have not discarded his feelings. Heck, I don't even know what his feelings are as he has not discussed them with me. All I really want is a dialogue.

 

Maybe I am second guessing my decision to break things off. But I am so bewildered by his complete acceptance of the break in light of my pregnancy.

 

I am really focusing on remaining stress free and the arrival of the baby. Maybe I'm over analyzing things, primarily because this is an extremely emotional time for me and my hormones are in a state of flux.

 

I have respected his wish of no contact, and if he doses have a "change of heart",......??????

[Kamille]

My focus really isn't on my ex. I guess I just wish things could be different. I don't really think anyone truely wants to go thru a pregnancy alone or to be a single parent. This is what I am facing, and yes I know it was my choice.

 

I have not discarded his feelings. Heck, I don't even know what his feelings are as he has not discussed them with me. All I really want is a dialogue.

 

Maybe I am second guessing my decision to break things off. But I am so bewildered by his complete acceptance of the break in light of my pregnancy.

 

I am really focusing on remaining stress free and the arrival of the baby. Maybe I'm over analyzing things, primarily because this is an extremely emotional time for me and my hormones are in a state of flux.

 

I have respected his wish of no contact, and if he doses have a "change of heart",......??????

 

He asked for no contact before you told me about the news. NC is almost standard procedure after break ups, so I don't think there is anything suspicious about his request.

 

But the situation has changed. It sounds like you two had a fight when you told him the news, and there is a chance that his silence is the result of a misunderstanding. You know you mean well for both him, the baby and yourself by asking him if he wants to be a part of the baby's life. In my mind parenthood trumps no contact.

 

I completely agree with you that you have the right to know where he stands. He is most likely overwhelmed by the news - perhaps taken aback by how it was presented to him. That's why I think you would do well to be the bigger person here and open the door to a discussion. If he doesn't respond to that in a timely fashion, then you have the right to get in touch with him and tell him you will interpret his silence as him chosing to not be a part of the child's life.

 

I won't pretend I know what it feels like to be in your shoes. The situation is incredibly complex and no doubt stressful. Raising a child alone is nobody's ideal. But the fact is that it is definitely better to raise a child alone then with the wrong person. I also don't have any idea what it feels like to be in your exe's shoes. Unlike you - who knew there was no way you could ever turn a back on your own child - he might be feeling like he has choices to make here. That doesn't make him an a-hole. But it could explain his current silence. He's trying to figure it out. You opening the door to a healthy discussion on where he sees himself in your child's life could help him clarify his own position to himself.

[shockandawed]

Juno,

 

As the others have said, my heart does go out to you and I wish both you and your baby nothing but the best.

 

I am going to disagree a little with the others that this guy is strictly needing some space to think. Fine, I understand it is overwhelming and would definitely knock me for a loop, but he needs to man up. If he needs time, then tell Juno, look this is overwhelming, let me have a little time to think about things. Not I will call you tonight and then disappear.

 

Jilly, I almost always agree with you but I think you are giving him too much credit. He did have choices in the matter. He chose to carelessly have sex with Juno. I am not making moral judgements, but we all know how babies are made. And we all know unprotected or casual sex can have serious consequences. We teach our children that unprotected sex has consequences, why would we exempt an adult from those consequences? He chose to proceed and therefore has responsibility for the consequences.

 

Juno, you need to seperate the relationship and the pregnancy. I think you have to accept the relationship is over. It doesn't matter whether he is alone or has a new relationship, he has the right to privacy and moving on there. But his request of NC is only acceptable in regards to his personal life. Now that he is a shared parent with you, there are things that need to be discussed, willingly or unwillingly.

 

You have every right to know where he is standing on this issue. You also have every right to expect involvement from him, at least monetarily. I would suggest calling him at home in a non confrontational manner, but strictly to discuss his role in the babys life. Nothing else. If he doesn't take your call, then I would send a letter specific to this issue only advising him you need to know his intentions with this.

 

I would also strongly suggest knowing your legal rights with this issue. You can't force him to love you or be an active parent. But don't let him walk away and hide without accepting his responsibility.

[Juno]

Maybe I have focus a little on if he is in another relationship, but only to the degree of what type of influence his new gf may have on his decision to be involved with the baby.

 

It is very common that when one is on cloud 9 with a new love interest, their judgement can be impaired. I'm sure he is hearing all kinds of things like..."it's probably not yours", "she's just saying she's prego to get you back", "it's her problem not yours"....etc.

 

I just don't want to hear any of that. Aside from the no contact declaration, the other main reason I have not contacted him again is because I want to maintain my dignity. I don't want to beg, trick, or corerce him into participation. I don't want to engage in anything negative with him. If I put this in perspective, his silence is my answer to his future involvement in the baby's life.

[shockandawed]

Maybe I have focus a little on if he is in another relationship, but only to the degree of what type of influence his new gf may have on his decision to be involved with the baby.

 

It is very common that when one is on cloud 9 with a new love interest, their judgement can be impaired. I'm sure he is hearing all kinds of things like..."it's probably not yours", "she's just saying she's prego to get you back", "it's her problem not yours"....etc.

 

I just don't want to hear any of that.

 

Juno, you have absolutely no idea what his situation is. Chances are just as well that he isn't seeing anybody. Who knows? And more importantly, it simply doesn't matter. He has fathered a child.

 

Aside from the no contact declaration, the other main reason I have not contacted him again is because I want to maintain my dignity. I don't want to beg, trick, or corerce him into participation. I don't want to engage in anything negative with him. If I put this in perspective, his silence is my answer to his future involvement in the baby's life.

 

Again, there is no such thing as no contact when you are parenting a child. You shouldn't have to beg or coerce him into any participation with the child, but he is responsible and has obligations regardless of participation. I assume this is your first. Trust the father of an 18 year old when I tell you that you have no idea the finances neccessary to raise a child into adulthood. You want dignity? Don't let this guy slide away without holding his end up.

[Jilly Bean]

Jilly, I almost always agree with you but I think you are giving him too much credit. He did have choices in the matter. He chose to carelessly have sex with Juno. I am not making moral judgements, but we all know how babies are made. And we all know unprotected or casual sex can have serious consequences. We teach our children that unprotected sex has consequences, why would we exempt an adult from those consequences? He chose to proceed and therefore has responsibility for the consequences.

 

Agreed that they were both careless in not using birth control. I also concur they are both totally at fault for that. However, since she has made the decision regardless of his feelings to have the child, she has completely removed his choice in this part of the equation. And THAT I think is wrong. But since it is her body and her choice ON HER OWN to have the child, then I think she is 100% responsible for the raising of the child and has no right to expect his involvement - whether financial, emotional or with his time.

[Kamille]

I wholeheartedly agree with Shockanddawed's last two posts. Especially in regards to knowing your legal rights in all of this, not only to get financial support but to define what legal roles you can negotiate with him. Who knows - he might show up one day asking for shared custody. Reading up on your legal rights will help you think through the role that you see him playing in the baby's life.

 

I think the most dignified thing you can do right now is offer him one last chance to 'man up'. Don't let the idea of what people might be saying or where he might be in his life sway you from doing the right thing for your child. That right thing is ensuring you gave the baby's father a fair chance to play a part in the baby's life. That, to me, is dignity.

 

That's why I really encourage you, on a day when you are feeling balanced about all this, to get in touch with the father and offer a level-headed discussion. You might even want to tell your ex how you see his involvement in all this.

 

In fact, it could be beneficial for you to think this through. Given the situation, how would you like this man to be involved in the baby's life?

[Juno]

Agreed that they were both careless in not using birth control. I also concur they are both totally at fault for that. However, since she has made the decision regardless of his feelings to have the child, she has completely removed his choice in this part of the equation. And THAT I think is wrong. But since it is her body and her choice ON HER OWN to have the child, then I think she is 100% responsible for the raising of the child and has no right to expect his involvement - whether financial, emotional or with his time.

 

Thank you very much for clarifying the blame here. What you don't get is that I have no idea what his feelings are. He has not expressed them to me. Maybe you missed that point because you are so hell bent on making me the villain.

 

I never disclosed if we were using birth control or not...but you would rather presume the worse. Sh*t happens even when you are on birth control. You being such a genius, I find it amazing that the thought never crossed your mind.

[blind_otter]

I think that the dad doesn't always have to pay child support. JMO. But I also believe that if he really wants nothing to do with the child he should also sign away his parental rights and sign an order of no contact so that he can never, ever be in the child's life again if he chooses to abdicate parental responsibility.

 

Also it is within the father's rights to demand a paternity test once baby is born, if he DOES want to be involved. As I said on another thread, I have a friend who ended up paying child support for 4 years before he found out the kid wasn't his.

[Kamille]

Juno - are you ok? I get the impression you're (understandably) in somewhat of an emotional whirlwind here. If you need to vent, please do. Write everything down on a word document for yourself (no need to share these thoughts with anyone).

 

Sometimes venting helps more then trying to stay reasonnable.

 

There are a lot things going on right now. You're pregnant, you have no idea what your ex is thinking, he's pulling a disappearing act at a time when your are trying to find stability. You're allowed to be upset. We are trying to help by giving you advice, but I'm starting to get the impression that what you need most right now is a good venting session.

[Juno]

Juno - are you ok? I get the impression you're (understandably) in somewhat of an emotional whirlwind here. If you need to vent, please do. Write everything down on a word document for yourself (no need to share these thoughts with anyone).

 

Sometimes venting helps more then trying to stay reasonnable.

 

There are a lot things going on right now. You're pregnant, you have no idea what your ex is thinking, he's pulling a disappearing act at a time when your are trying to find stability. You're allowed to be upset. We are trying to help by giving you advice, but I'm starting to get the impression that what you need most right now is a good venting session.

 

Thanks for the calming words Kamille. I am just seeking advice. That Jilly Bean chick just rubbed me the wrong way. She is assuming a great deal and seems to get off by placing blame and being negative.

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks for the calming words Kamille. I am just seeking advice. That Jilly Bean chick just rubbed me the wrong way. She is assuming a great deal and seems to get off by placing blame and being negative.

 

Nope - this Jilly Bean "chick" isn't placing blame or assuming anything. I think if he was so delighted with this situation, he wouldn't be avoiding you. I sincerely hope for everyones sake involved, that he decides to deal with it. And I think if you used birth control, then even MORE the pity for the guy as he did the right thing in trying to protect himself.

 

You wrote that you went out with him a few times, dumped him, then called to share the happy news. I cant imagine ANY guy jumping for joy at this point. Im not sure you get that. Hes got to be terribly conflicted and I imagine he is struggling with not wanting to have anything to do with you, and feeling a sense of obligation to this child.

 

I am only saying that since you have decided on your own to have this child, then be prepared to deal with ALL of it on your own and leave him alone. If he chooses to deal with you and the child, then he will contact you and then you can work out arrangements with him for support, custody, etc. Otherwise, since you already made the decision ON YOUR OWN as you have to have this child, then I think its way wrong of you to expect anything from him beyond what the law will force him to provide. You have said yourself that HIS feelings dont matter ONE IOTA to you, since you have already decided to have this child on your own. Sure, you can sue him for child support, and I am sure you will, but I don't think he should be condemned if he wants nothing to do with a child he never wanted. NO ONE likes situations to be forced upon them with no choice.

 

And if you think Im giving you a hard time, wait until you have to deal with being a single parent and trying to track down the father for money. Just a harsh wake-up call...

[D-Lish]

I usually agree with JB on 99% of things here too.... but not on this one (sorry missy )

 

When I got pregnant with my ex.... I did make a choice to have the baby regardless of his involvement. When you make the choice to keep the pregnancy- it's just simply a part of that choice.

 

I was in the same situation as you are. I met someone, really liked him- we had a long term relationship and on my last visit the condom broke and I got pregnant...shortly after that trip we broke up.

 

I told him about a week after finding out my situation. I sent him an e-mail and laid out my intentions. I also told him that he had an option to get on board, or not- but that his choice wouldn't change anything.

 

Okay, having said that- he did contact me about 9 days after the e-mail, and so began the progression of figuring out how to raise a child together living so far apart.

 

I think you did have an obligation to tell him about the pregnancy. He has a right to know he has fathered a child. That's not the kind of thing you should hide from someone- it just wouldn't be fair.

 

My friends ex didn't come around to her pregnancy until she was 6 months into it. He's thinking about it- don't believe he isn't.

 

I think he is being as @ss for refusing to give you an answer- but it's possible he doesn't have an answer yet.

 

I know you have a great need for instant information from him- please remember that you have a long way to go in your pregnancy. You will eventually have your answers. Of course- you might also have to deal with a knock on the door 2 years down the road- I have known that to happen as well.

 

My close friend married a guy I HATE. He got a woman pregnant when he was 24 and he left that woman and never spoke to her again- nor does he ever want to meet his child. He disgusts me. You do have to prepare yourself that you might be dealing with a guy like this. I hope that's not the case- but you still have to prepare.

 

You have told him- he knows, he hasn't responded yet. That is where you are at. It's obvious he needs more time- and as jerkish a move I think that is on his part.... I think it's important for you to look after yourself and make the best plans for you.

 

I know you don't expect him to rush back and be a husband and father... you simply want some answers. You are entitled to those answers.... I just don't think that as much as you want to- that you can force those answers.

 

Please look after you fot the time being- and as much as I think he's being a jerk about this... I'd remain patient.

[Kamille]

Nope - this Jilly Bean "chick" isn't placing blame or assuming anything. I think if he was so delighted with this situation, he wouldn't be avoiding you. I sincerely hope for everyones sake involved, that he decides to deal with it. And I think if you used birth control, then even MORE the pity for the guy as he did the right thing in trying to protect himself.

 

You wrote that you went out with him a few times, dumped him, then called to share the happy news. I cant imagine ANY guy jumping for joy at this point. Im not sure you get that. Hes got to be terribly conflicted and I imagine he is struggling with not wanting to have anything to do with you, and feeling a sense of obligation to this child.

 

I am only saying that since you have decided on your own to have this child, then be prepared to deal with ALL of it on your own and leave him alone. If he chooses to deal with you and the child, then he will contact you and then you can work out arrangements with him for support, custody, etc. Otherwise, since you already made the decision ON YOUR OWN as you have to have this child, then I think its way wrong of you to expect anything from him beyond what the law will force him to provide. You have said yourself that HIS feelings dont matter ONE IOTA to you, since you have already decided to have this child on your own. Sure, you can sue him for child support, and I am sure you will, but I don't think he should be condemned if he wants nothing to do with a child he never wanted. NO ONE likes situations to be forced upon them with no choice.

 

And if you think Im giving you a hard time, wait until you have to deal with being a single parent and trying to track down the father for money. Just a harsh wake-up call...

 

Honestly Jilly, and you know I respect you, but I think you have made your point. Loud and clear. I think though that you are focusing too much on the fact that she chose to go through with this pregnancy.

 

I can't speak for Juno, but if I got pregnant, I would have no choice but to have the kid. I am pro-choice; I support's women's right to choose. However, I know an abortion would crush me. I could never choose to have one - even if the father wanted me to have one. My understanding is that Juno is in much the same situation, so pursuing the pregnancy is not that much of a choice she is making. Being pro-choice is also respecting that some women will go through with unplanned pregnancies. It's accepting that we cannot impose our own view on the issue onto others.

 

Now, what I think might be happening is that because she didn't want to appear like she was trapping him into parenthood, she presented things to him as though he had nothing to do but to butt out. She was going to do this on her own with or without him.

 

Anyways, Juno - (and again with all due respect to JB), I find that in most forums, it is more useful to focus on advice that you find helpful then on the one you find hurtful. Unless, of course, you need to vent. Like I said, I think you're in a position where a good venting session might be called for.

[Juno]

Nope - this Jilly Bean "chick" isn't placing blame or assuming anything. I think if he was so delighted with this situation, he wouldn't be avoiding you. I sincerely hope for everyones sake involved, that he decides to deal with it. And I think if you used birth control, then even MORE the pity for the guy as he did the right thing in trying to protect himself.

 

You wrote that you went out with him a few times, dumped him, then called to share the happy news. I cant imagine ANY guy jumping for joy at this point. Im not sure you get that. Hes got to be terribly conflicted and I imagine he is struggling with not wanting to have anything to do with you, and feeling a sense of obligation to this child.

 

I am only saying that since you have decided on your own to have this child, then be prepared to deal with ALL of it on your own and leave him alone. If he chooses to deal with you and the child, then he will contact you and then you can work out arrangements with him for support, custody, etc. Otherwise, since you already made the decision ON YOUR OWN as you have to have this child, then I think its way wrong of you to expect anything from him beyond what the law will force him to provide. You have said yourself that HIS feelings dont matter ONE IOTA to you, since you have already decided to have this child on your own. Sure, you can sue him for child support, and I am sure you will, but I don't think he should be condemned if he wants nothing to do with a child he never wanted. NO ONE likes situations to be forced upon them with no choice.

 

And if you think Im giving you a hard time, wait until you have to deal with being a single parent and trying to track down the father for money. Just a harsh wake-up call...

 

Do me a favor Jilly Bean "Chick"....don't reply to my post. Your sarcastic tone is unappreciated. You have obvisously drawn your own conclusion about this situation, which is not based on fact or first hand knowledge.

 

Your rehtoric falls short of giving sound, compassionate advice, therefore rendering it completely useless!

[StartingOver07]

Being pro-choice is also respecting that some women will go through with unplanned pregnancies. It's accepting that we cannot impose our own view on the issue onto others.

 

Unfortunately, though, legally this is exactly what can happen. A woman can choose to have a child and father is obligated to pay child support for 18 years all on the basis of her unilateral decision.

 

Perhaps this is what JB is suggesting is making Juno's ex unhappy?

 

 

In any case, back to the OP. ShockedandAwed has given you some good advice. You will be better off trying to work things out with your ex now than giving him the control to suddenly re-enter your life (and your child's) in a year, 5 years, 10 years, whenever. What you see as preserving your dignity is bound to make for more headaches later, especially as your child grows up and wants to know about daddy. And, of course, there are the practical issues that Shocked mentions as well.

[Jilly Bean]

Honestly Jilly, and you know I respect you, but I think you have made your point. Loud and clear. I think though that you are focusing too much on the fact that she chose to go through with this pregnancy.

 

I can't speak for Juno, but if I got pregnant, I would have no choice but to have the kid. I am pro-choice; I support's women's right to choose. However, I know an abortion would crush me. I could never choose to have one - even if the father wanted me to have one. My understanding is that Juno is in much the same situation, so pursuing the pregnancy is not that much of a choice she is making. Being pro-choice is also respecting that some women will go through with unplanned pregnancies. It's accepting that we cannot impose our own view on the issue onto others.

 

Now, what I think might be happening is that because she didn't want to appear like she was trapping him into parenthood, she presented things to him as though he had nothing to do but to butt out. She was going to do this on her own with or without him.

 

Anyways, Juno - (and again with all due respect to JB), I find that in most forums, it is more useful to focus on advice that you find helpful then on the one you find hurtful. Unless, of course, you need to vent. Like I said, I think you're in a position where a good venting session might be called for.

 

No worries, K. We are still cool and I still love you, too.

 

I guess I have seen too many guys end up in this situation and it always turns horrid. My ex being one of them (before me - lol), and two close personal guy friends had children with women they barely knew (one from a one-night stand! yeesh!) and it ended up being a deal where they were all ultimately involved in the childs life, but not without a TON of drama, court time and costs, custody battles, child support issues...its not an easy road to undertake by any circumstance and I think when a woman decides to undertake such a huge life event, they should understand all of the ramifications.

 

FWIW, I did have one gf who got pregnant from her then roommate when she was in her early 20s. She had the baby, gave it up for adoption, and then two days later took the baby back, as she couldnt part with her. It was a very difficult time for her, but I respected and supported her fully. Mainly because she didnt involve the father at all, as he didnt want to deal with it anyhow. So, he turned over his rights, she eventually got married, had two more kids, etc. When her daughter was 10, the father showed up and caused ALL kinds of drama and issues - demanding to see his daughter, insisting on his rights - he really went off the deep end and was stalking their whole family. Heck, I even had to appear in court as I was a witness to all of this when it first happened!

 

Just a really, really tough road to sow... or hoe... lol

[blind_otter]

No worries, K. We are still cool and I still love you, too.

 

I guess I have seen too many guys end up in this situation and it always turns horrid. My ex being one of them (before me - lol), and two close personal guy friends had children with women they barely knew (one from a one-night stand! yeesh!) and it ended up being a deal where they were all ultimately involved in the childs life, but not without a TON of drama, court time and costs, custody battles, child support issues...its not an easy road to undertake by any circumstance and I think when a woman decides to undertake such a huge life event, they should understand all of the ramifications.

 

FWIW, I did have one gf who got pregnant from her then roommate when she was in her early 20s. She had the baby, gave it up for adoption, and then two days later took the baby back, as she couldnt part with her. It was a very difficult time for her, but I respected and supported her fully. Mainly because she didnt involve the father at all, as he didnt want to deal with it anyhow. So, he turned over his rights, she eventually got married, had two more kids, etc. When her daughter was 10, the father showed up and caused ALL kinds of drama and issues - demanding to see his daughter, insisting on his rights - he really went off the deep end and was stalking their whole family. Heck, I even had to appear in court as I was a witness to all of this when it first happened!

 

Just a really, really tough road to sow... or hoe... lol

 

First off, one should always tread lightly when communicating with a pregnant woman. I dunno if you've ever carried a child, but it can really **** with your emotions. Being heavy handed is the worst way to get your point across - you'll likely leave the pregnant woman in tears, and have huffed and puffed to deaf ears.

 

Secondly, IMO it's ultimately ONE person who chooses whether an unwanted child lives or dies. Two people cannot make that choice - what if the father doesn't want it and the mother does want it? Stalemate. One person will trump the other, usually the mother because she is the only one who takes on the burden of carrying the child.

 

Ultimately Juno is the one who will deal with the burden of raising a child alone. No need to make her feel like **** about her decision.