Juno Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I've been seeing guy for a several months. We hooked up a few times, then he started to drift. I broke up with him because admittedly I am a needy person and he wasn't delivering. I wanted the relationship to feel special and it didn't. He accepted the split pretty well, and I thought we would remain friends, so I continued to call and IM just to see what he was up to, and to demonstrate there were no bad vibes on my part. He sent me an email which stating that he didn't think I should contact him anymore and that he just wanted to be alone for now. He said possibly he is not meant to be with anyone and he is OK with that. What a crock of sh*t, wouldn't you agree? Why would someone put that out there. I really think he just found someone else to focus on, and didn't want to fess up to it. Anyway...so be it. I tried the NC thing, and was ok with it until I took pregnancy test. Yep....positive. I sent him an e-mail to tell him. He replied...What are you going to do? What do you want me to do? I pretty much stated that I only had one option....parenthood. I told him that I'm not telling him this with the hope that things will change between us, but I thought he would like to know. He fires back..."What the hell do you expect. You tell me that you are having a child that is part of me as well and you think I could just forget or ignore? What kind a person do you think I am? You said you are "Shell-Shock", are you kidding me? I will call you after work. That was over a week ago, and obvisiously he has either forgotten or is ignoring. I don't know what to do. It is unclear to me how he feels about this situation. Did he just completely bail on me? Why ask me what I would like for him to do, instead of telling me what it is he wants to do?
redfathom Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Ahhh, thus the name Juno. How old are you? Have you told your parents or anyone around that can help you through this? YOU MUST contact him again. I would wait until after he gets off work so their is no reason he can't talk to you. I don't know how old he is but that is a lot for both of you to deal with. Maybe he is taking some needed time to figure out what he wants for himself and you in this situation. Would what he wants to do influence your decision at all? That might have been the reason he did not ask you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Um you broke up with him, and he doesnt want any contact with you? Why is that so hard to imagine. Rehection hurts and it sucks. Maybe he has deeper feelings for you and this is how he needs to handle it. If you dumped him for no good reason other than your needy, then your the one with that issue! But all things considered if your pregnant just talk to him about the baby. You need a face to face talk. Get this out in the open now.
Author Juno Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Um you broke up with him, and he doesnt want any contact with you? Why is that so hard to imagine. Rehection hurts and it sucks. Maybe he has deeper feelings for you and this is how he needs to handle it. If you dumped him for no good reason other than your needy, then your the one with that issue! But all things considered if your pregnant just talk to him about the baby. You need a face to face talk. Get this out in the open now. I would like to talk to him about my pregnancy, but because he told me previously that he didn't think I should contact him anymore...I've been reluctant. We each have deleted the other from our IM account, and I don't dare call him at work as he would not dare call me at my place of business. In his last email, he said he would call...he didn't. I also thought that he wanted to be part of the child's life by him asking "what type of person do I think he is" I can not read him for the life of me....was hoping you guys could gleam where he is coming from by his statements.
Kamille Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) From what you've written here, it sounds like the decision to break-up was pretty unilateral, so his request for no contact after you broke up with him could be legitimate. Let's assume it wasn't a crock of sh*t, ok? I fully understand your feelings about parenthood. If I got pregnant, I would have no choice but to keep the baby and bf knows this. (so Congratulations ). He is likely feeling overwhelmed. No he hasn't forgotten and I think he is only ignoring because he doesn't know how to tackle this. You've put an accomplished fact in front of him (which you also did when you broke up): you are going to have this child, and you will do it with or without him. Your decision was made. Whether he likes it or not, he's going to be a father. Now what he needs to do is decide if he wants to get involved, and how he wants to get involved. In your shoes, I would get get in touch with him to tell him the door is always open if he wants to discuss getting involved in the child's life (unless, of course, it isn't). Edited February 13, 2008 by Kamille
Author Juno Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Ahhh, thus the name Juno. How old are you? Have you told your parents or anyone around that can help you through this? YOU MUST contact him again. I would wait until after he gets off work so their is no reason he can't talk to you. I don't know how old he is but that is a lot for both of you to deal with. Maybe he is taking some needed time to figure out what he wants for himself and you in this situation. Would what he wants to do influence your decision at all? That might have been the reason he did not ask you. Ahhh, thus the name Juno??????? I am not a teenager, for sure...lol He did ask me what I wanted him to do. I would have perferred that he told me his feelings on the matter. I can't see how I can make any requests from him. No, what he wants to do would not influence my decision, but would prepare me for any role he might/or might not play in the child's life.
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 How far along are you? TBH, you have a while to resolve this situation so the need to contact him isn't immediate. But I think you do have a right to ask him certain things - if he intends to be involved with the pregnancy, if he intends to be involved with the child in the future. He has three options: he can sign over parental rights and have nothing to do with you or the baby; he can be involved with the pregnancy and be there for the child; he can simply provide child support and have occassional visitation if he likes. Have you been to the OB yet? Have you had an ultrasound to accurately date the pregnancy?
norajane Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 He did ask me what I wanted him to do. I would have perferred that he told me his feelings on the matter. I can't see how I can make any requests from him. No, what he wants to do would not influence my decision, but would prepare me for any role he might/or might not play in the child's life. Maybe you can send him an email and tell him that you'd like to know his feelings and what role he would like to play in the child's life. And that you don't want to push him into anything, but that you are open to him taking as large a role as he wants. I think he felt blind-sided and as though you didn't care what he thought - you had it all figured out for yourself and didn't need or want his input. That may not be what you intended, but I'm guessing that's how he took it.
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I would like to talk to him about my pregnancy, but because he told me previously that he didn't think I should contact him anymore...I've been reluctant. We each have deleted the other from our IM account, and I don't dare call him at work as he would not dare call me at my place of business. In his last email, he said he would call...he didn't. I also thought that he wanted to be part of the child's life by him asking "what type of person do I think he is" I can not read him for the life of me....was hoping you guys could gleam where he is coming from by his statements. You need to tell him about the child NC or not. This is very important. Dont feel reluctant include him in on the child's life.. He is the father? yes? He's probably got alot of issues but dont attack him, come at him like a friend. Find out why he's avodiing you. And whatever you do empasize you are not pregnant by trying to trap him with the baby. Reassure him of this and maybe it'll sink in with him.
Author Juno Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 You need to tell him about the child NC or not. This is very important. Dont feel reluctant include him in on the child's life.. He is the father? yes? He's probably got alot of issues but dont attack him, come at him like a friend. Find out why he's avodiing you. And whatever you do empasize you are not pregnant by trying to trap him with the baby. Reassure him of this and maybe it'll sink in with him. I did attempt to reassure him that I wasn't trying to trap him with the baby. In my e-mail to him I stated his involvement is totally at his discretion and he shouldn't feel compelled to do anything. To this, he fired back the statements I listed above. A bunch of non-sense quotes and questions without saying how he felt!
Author Juno Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 How far along are you? TBH, you have a while to resolve this situation so the need to contact him isn't immediate. But I think you do have a right to ask him certain things - if he intends to be involved with the pregnancy, if he intends to be involved with the child in the future. He has three options: he can sign over parental rights and have nothing to do with you or the baby; he can be involved with the pregnancy and be there for the child; he can simply provide child support and have occassional visitation if he likes. Have you been to the OB yet? Have you had an ultrasound to accurately date the pregnancy? You are correct...there is time for all of this to sink in and to deal with in the coming months. I just have no clue as to his position. It's been a week since I told him and still no response. I just no contact mean no contact, no matter what.
redfathom Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 He wanted NC because you two broke up. Even though he requested NC for that reason it does not mean he still wants NC knowing that you are having his baby.
Author Juno Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 He wanted NC because you two broke up. Even though he requested NC for that reason it does not mean he still wants NC knowing that you are having his baby. OK, I get that, but why hasn't he called. I made contact with him to initially them him about the baby, didn't get a feel one way or the other how he felt, said he would call, but hasn't. I'm afraid if I constantly try to make contact with him about the baby, then it will appear that I am trying to wrangle him with my prenancy....and I'm not.
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I may get flamed for saying this, but I think you should give it a month. See if he finds it in himself to come to you to resolve the issue. If he still hasn't contacted you, I would probably want to talk to a lawyer about child support issues. Be prepared with the facts, give him clear options -- make it like a business arrangement, cut out the emotional part which may be overwhelming him right now. He may be less anxious if you set out the boundaries for him.
EYECANDY000 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Juno I do empathize with you and having to go through this kind of situation is tough. I do hope that everything works out for you. One of the things that you ex said was kind of contradicting. He stated "whats are you going to do? and then " what kind of person do you think I am?" What I got from that is that he is giving you the option to abort the baby, and then in the same sentance he is saying hes not a dead beat dad. His behavior is defiantely cowardly because I guess he feels like he can run away from his problems. My only advice is to speak to him in person. And see where is mind frame is at. If he wants you to get rid of the baby then you know that you cant depend on him except for helping care for the baby, and if he wants to be in the baby life then you know that you two can remain civil with each other. Bottom line forget the NC it is about this baby now. You need answers and you need them now!!!!!!
Author Juno Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Still no response from him...not a phone call, email, text, IM, or smoke signal. I want to desperately talk to him, but I guess discussing this on V-Day is not the best idea. I know I broke up with him, but he followed that up with he just want to be alone now. How odd. No one really wants to be alone. Could this have just been his way of bailing because he was already seeing someone else? Remember at the time I broke up with him he was drifting. I guess it really dosen't matter, just would like to know how he feels and what his participation will be.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Either you have not told us enough detail, or I think you are making some huge leaps/assumptions here. You said that he drifted and you broke up with him because you are needy. Did you tell him what you needed? Did you give him a chance to meet your needs? I know I broke up with him, but he followed that up with he just want to be alone now. How odd. No one really wants to be alone. Could this have just been his way of bailing because he was already seeing someone else? Remember at the time I broke up with him he was drifting. Stating he wants to be alone, in a request for no contact, might just be an indication that he was hurt by your rejection. Maybe what you perceived as drifting was him settling into what he thinks is a normal relationship after the wooing period is over. Or it could be exactly what it says - maybe he does enjoy being alone. You don't say if you will expect him to pay child support. Do you? If not I would just respond to his last note saying something to the effect of - the ball is in your court - the baby is due on XYZ date. You are welcome to be part of the pregnancy and the baby's life, or not. It is up to you.
Author Juno Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Either you have not told us enough detail, or I think you are making some huge leaps/assumptions here. You said that he drifted and you broke up with him because you are needy. Did you tell him what you needed? Did you give him a chance to meet your needs? Stating he wants to be alone, in a request for no contact, might just be an indication that he was hurt by your rejection. Maybe what you perceived as drifting was him settling into what he thinks is a normal relationship after the wooing period is over. Maybe he needs more time to digest. Should I allow him more time? Or it could be exactly what it says - maybe he does enjoy being alone. You don't say if you will expect him to pay child support. Do you? If not I would just respond to his last note saying something to the effect of - the ball is in your court - the baby is due on XYZ date. You are welcome to be part of the pregnancy and the baby's life, or not. It is up to you. It's been some time since I told him about the baby, and I'm so anxious to hear from him. I want to send him a e-mail basically stating the above, but should I wait and not send it today...it is V-Day.
D-Lish Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Believe me when I tell you- he is thinking about this. It is on his mind. I am sure he is in as much shock as you are. I had a similar situation, and I sent him the e-mail telling him my situation and it took him 9 days to respond. I think he had to wrap his head around the situation. I lost that pregnancy at 9 weeks so things changed after that. He told me after we spoke and began to communicate that he took those days to wrap his head around the situation. I am sure this is what your ex is doing. He will contact you.
Author Juno Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Believe me when I tell you- he is thinking about this. It is on his mind. I am sure he is in as much shock as you are. I had a similar situation, and I sent him the e-mail telling him my situation and it took him 9 days to respond. I think he had to wrap his head around the situation. I lost that pregnancy at 9 weeks so things changed after that. He told me after we spoke and began to communicate that he took those days to wrap his head around the situation. I am sure this is what your ex is doing. He will contact you. Do you recommend I just give him more time and wait until he contacts me? I am so anxious to put my ducks in a row and to start to plan for the future, but I need to know where he stands.
D-Lish Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I'd wait it out as long as you can. At this stage in the game you have to look after yourself and not worry about what is going on in his head. Get past the 3 month mark- try and keep your stress at a minimum. I do sort of think it's better if you let him wrap his head around it and see if he comes to you. You will at some point have to decide if you will seek child support if he doesn't step up.... and in that case, you will need to contact him. My only reason for suggesting you wait a bit for him to come to you is because it's better if he comes to the conclusion that he wants to be involved on his own.... I don't think you'd feel good about things ultimately if you had to keep contacting him. I do however think this guy has a responsibility to both you and his future child. It's still early on in your pregnancy right? You have time to figure things out. I am sure he is just taking space to think. It's a life changing situation for both of you. Look after you right now instead of stressing about him and what he is thinking and wanting. It will feel better for both of you if it isn't forced. I didn't think my ex was going to contact me- but he did....and yours will too.
Author Juno Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 He is avoiding me like the friggin plague. I just don't get it. We were so cool at one point. We broke up and he said he didn't think I should contact him anymore. I find this hard to believe that it's because he was hurt and cared so deeply. It was a brief relationship, so strong feeling couldn't have possibly developed to a point where no contact is in order. I am givining him exactly what he wants....space, but how long should I have to wait until he comes around and addresses the pregnancy? I am in the early stages, but I feel I have to deal with this completely on my own. The language and tone of his last e-mail has me wondering wtf is he saying. Why didn't he follow thru with calling as he said he would. Sorry for venting, but my hormones are out of whack:(
Jilly Bean Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 Are you serious? You *really* don't get why he is avoiding you? Oh, my... You only saw each other a handful of times, and now you show up pregnant weeks after you dump him. Ugh. I imagine his instinct is to have absolutely nothing to do with you, nor the kid. If I were him, that would be my reaction. He asked you not to contact him, and then you contact him with THIS news? You seem super cavalier about the whole thing, which strikes me as really odd. I think if I were facing being a single parent, my mind would be in a different place than trying to track down a guy who I banged a few times to see how he felt about it. If you have made the decision on your own to have the child, and you said his feelings are irrelevant to your decision, then I think you need to prepare to go through pregnancy and raising this child completely on your own. You are not allowing him a choice in the outcome, and in so doing, then I think you should be taking full responsibility for what comes next. I mean, I think it's pretty ballsy to expect anything from him. You may never hear from him again at all, and in which case, you should be busying yourself with plans to be a single Mom. Sorry - I know this is going to get me flamed, but as a chick, it incenses me when women wind up pregnant from one-night stands or casual situations, and then expect the guy to be happy about this. Yes, it takes two, but its your body, and your final decision, and you are not allowing him a shred of choice in this. Then deal with the consequences on your own, and if he ever chooses to contact you in the future, then deal with that then. His possible involvement won't change how you plan to play this out anyhow...
Author Juno Posted February 17, 2008 Author Posted February 17, 2008 Are you serious? You *really* don't get why he is avoiding you? Oh, my... You only saw each other a handful of times, and now you show up pregnant weeks after you dump him. Ugh. I imagine his instinct is to have absolutely nothing to do with you, nor the kid. If I were him, that would be my reaction. He asked you not to contact him, and then you contact him with THIS news? You seem super cavalier about the whole thing, which strikes me as really odd. I think if I were facing being a single parent, my mind would be in a different place than trying to track down a guy who I banged a few times to see how he felt about it. If you have made the decision on your own to have the child, and you said his feelings are irrelevant to your decision, then I think you need to prepare to go through pregnancy and raising this child completely on your own. You are not allowing him a choice in the outcome, and in so doing, then I think you should be taking full responsibility for what comes next. I mean, I think it's pretty ballsy to expect anything from him. You may never hear from him again at all, and in which case, you should be busying yourself with plans to be a single Mom. Sorry - I know this is going to get me flamed, but as a chick, it incenses me when women wind up pregnant from one-night stands or casual situations, and then expect the guy to be happy about this. Yes, it takes two, but its your body, and your final decision, and you are not allowing him a shred of choice in this. Then deal with the consequences on your own, and if he ever chooses to contact you in the future, then deal with that then. His possible involvement won't change how you plan to play this out anyhow... I expected to have a conversation with him regarding his participation if any. The fact that he said how could I expect him to forget or ignore his child indicated to me he wanted to be involved on some level. I guess I expected him to be mature about my pregnancy. As far as allowing him a choice....he has a choice....step up and be a man or step down and be a wus. Just let me know which, so I don't have to keep wondering.
Jilly Bean Posted February 17, 2008 Posted February 17, 2008 As far as allowing him a choice....he has a choice....step up and be a man or step down and be a wus. Just let me know which, so I don't have to keep wondering. Uh, no. You are denying him the choice to NOT have a child with you. Having it is solely your choice, not his. I don't think a guy who wants to walk away from a booty call who gets knocked up is a wuss, hon... And why should it really matter what he wants to do and what kind of involvement he may or may not want with you or the child? Again, if you have decided to have this child all on your own, even if he told you he didn't want it (which I am sure he doesn't), then YOU step up, be a woman, and deal with it on your own. Nothing to wonder on that...
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