CantCutitOff Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Warning - this is a little lengthy. I haven't posted on this particular forum in some time - but I've been following it here & there. My MM situation from roughly a few years back morphed into something I would've never imagined, and I wanted to see whether anyone else had this happen or what people thought about it. Brief history: I met my MM at work about 3 years ago & became involved with him about 6mo later while he was separated from his wife. It was very up & down emotionally for me, I cared a lot about him but knew it was a bad situation to be in. I still couldn't get over the fact that we just seemed to click. The relationship was physical until I decided I couldn't handle the guilt anymore & finally cut it off shortly after he went back home. I felt a million times better when that finally happened - both for me & his family. Here's where it gets non-traditional. He & I have remained close friends. I know everyone is probably screaming "emotional affair", but it's been by no means romantic - and neither of us have attempted or have had any desire to be physical since then. We're more like best friends. We go out socially in groups & joke around. He & his wife have continued to have problems off & on - and when he calls to complain, I'm the one reminding him how he's going to screw up his life if he does something stupid like he did with me. And then he goes home & tries to patch things up. When I have a relationship problem or otherwise, he's my sounding board. We've kept it strictly platonic. That's been the state of our relationship for at least the past 18 months. I've also become very friendly with his wife & family over the same time period. I don't know what he ever told her about me (although I don't THINK that he told her too much); I know that she knows he & I became close while they were separated, and she's well informed every time I speak to him or hang out with him now. She's never asked me anything about he & I - only thanked me for being his "sounding board" and "talking some sense" into him. We've often double-dated. Obviously, now that I've gone to know her, I feel 1000x more guilt than I ever did to begin with... and part of me often wonders whether it was evil of me to even become friends with her in the first place. But it wasn't any kind of particular effort. It just kind of happened. And now I care about them deeply as friends -- I don't feel like I can just cut that off. Someone told me a quote recently - I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was something to the effect of there are 2 soulmates for everyone... the one you should be with, and the one who is better off as your best friend. It made me laugh - I think the latter might be true about my exMM & we just started off on the (VERY) wrong route. As anyone else had an experience like this? I welcome any & all feedback (realizing that I might here some sharp criticism here!).
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 The problem is and I don't mean to make you feel bad here, but having a friendship with her while you think of her husband as your soulmate, and you've had an affair with him, which really now is an EA (you two are too close for comfort now and emotions are involved) really isn't a good idea, for obvious reasons - But let's focus on you first. Having him in your life will prevent you from meeting someone else. Your heart is still very much with him, so it seems, and your emotions won't let you fall for anyone else. You two are attached to eachother and involved in eachothers' daily lives. Honestly, he should be talking to you about his marriage, or any problems that occur between him and his wife. Now that you are friends with her, your guilt WILL eat you up, possibly making you feel more and more uncomfortable around them. I'm not sure if continuing the friendship will do more harm than good in the long run. For everyone involved. Might be a good idea to detach yourself from them, not be so involved and find different friends - Put some distance there.. Now, if she finds out the truth, she's going to feel you and her husband have made a complete fool of her.
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