fray718 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 When your bf says or does something that say is kind of hurtful, how do you differentiate if its because they don't care/aren't into you enough OR if they just don't know any better/are clueless? Anyone had those instances with their SO? Any advice? I'm the really sensitive type and I tend to overanalyze everything.
norajane Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 You tell him that what he just said was hurtful, and if he apologizes and seems genuine about his apology, then he was thoughtless. If he argues with you about it and tries to convince you that you're wrong and over-sensitive, then he's not that into you.
StartingOver07 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 You tell him that what he just said was hurtful, and if he apologizes and seems genuine about his apology, then he was thoughtless. If he argues with you about it and tries to convince you that you're wrong and over-sensitive, then he's not that into you. I agree with most of this except that I'd add that some people over-analyse comments and/or genuinely are too sensitive. So if he says you are over-sensitive, this does not necessarily mean that he is a buffoon or that he does not care about you.
lovelorcet Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I'm the really sensitive type and I tend to overanalyze everything. You should replace "sensitive" with insecure... That sounds more like your issues, not your boyfriends. You are not going to be able to form any kind of healthy relationship if you are always second guessing every little thing your bf does.
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 You should replace "sensitive" with insecure... That sounds more like your issues, not your boyfriends. You are not going to be able to form any kind of healthy relationship if you are always second guessing every little thing your bf does. I agree with most of this except that I'd add that some people over-analyse comments and/or genuinely are too sensitive. I agree, and I think Fray is one of those "too sensitive" people. I have a two-step approach when a BF does or says something that bugs me. First, I ask WHY he did or said what he did with a curious tone. Most of the time, his answer satisfies me, and I realize that if I hadn't asked about the intent behind his action, I would have analyzed it to death and got all butt-hurt about it. If his answer doesn't satisfy me, I tell him why it bothered me. His response to that is then reflective of whether or not he's a jerk or actually cares.
Florida Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Wow Fray. You think just like me. That is exactly the issue. How to differentiate one from the other. I would say much of my relationship has been me trying to decipher which of the two it is, and my BF getting resentful that I have a bad opinion of his intentions. It is circular, because I think that due to that things can either be taken like "A", or"B" and I can't figure it out. I hope this isn't hijacking your thread, but you asked "does anyone else have this problem?" I can relate to what you are saying, but can't offer solutions, although I like everyone's posts above. Stupid stuff, like my BF will often pay for the meal when we go out, so sometimes I cook, sometimes he does. Sometimes he brings take-out over. But then he always leaves his plates and mess behind. The 1st few months I just cleaned up after both of us, thinking maybe this was because he was paying more. I started to see a pattern that he would almost always help his friends clean up afterwards at their parties, or houses. And it really started to grate on me-why doesn't he clean up after himself with me? So it wasn't just about the cleaning up, but then a step further, wondering if he is just not respecting me, but respects his friends because he wants to make *sure* they like him. It's the same thing as what you posted. It leaves me very insecure. I told him this past week he needs to clean up after himself. He was joking and said "but that's how I know you love me-I don't want to". WTF? So his friends get the cleaning up people pleaser, but I get to *prove* my love by being a maid? He said he was joking, but it gets tired always asking him to clean up after himself. If I don't do it, the dishes just stay there. Then he doesn't get why I'm not into *doing it* and being not too romantic. Sorry Fray, Maybe I'll start my own thread, just saying I relate.
Author fray718 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 NJ - I think your tip is overall very good. So far when he's said/done something that upsets me enough to let him know, he usually apologizes and reassures me -- he's never once just told me to 'bug off' or anything. Well the one thing that made me create this thread is not something that I'd bring it up to him about, because it's not THAT bad...I hope. Well basically I sent him a txt this morning at 8:50...'morning baby, hope your meeting went well...get some rest now. Love u'. He gets off graveyard shift at 9am so at 9:05 he replied 'Meeting got postponed till tomorrow, oh well! Call of dune videogame time ' I guess I was a bit bothered by how he did not say 'i love you back.' When I tell him in person i love him, he says back 'i love you too.' And he also tells me 'i love you' to me in person as well, and I say 'i love you too' back. My gut feeling tells me he is just clueless or forgot to txt I love you back, but can guys really be THAT clueless?
norajane Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 NJ - I think your tip is overall very good. So far when he's said/done something that upsets me enough to let him know, he usually apologizes and reassures me -- he's never once just told me to 'bug off' or anything. Well the one thing that made me create this thread is not something that I'd bring it up to him about, because it's not THAT bad...I hope. Well basically I sent him a txt this morning at 8:50...'morning baby, hope your meeting went well...get some rest now. Love u'. He gets off graveyard shift at 9am so at 9:05 he replied 'Meeting got postponed till tomorrow, oh well! Call of dune videogame time ' I guess I was a bit bothered by how he did not say 'i love you back.' When I tell him in person i love him, he says back 'i love you too.' And he also tells me 'i love you' to me in person as well, and I say 'i love you too' back. My gut feeling tells me he is just clueless or forgot to txt I love you back, but can guys really be THAT clueless? I don't think he's being clueless or rude. You are making too much of it. Do you only say I love you when you expect to hear it back? Do you expect him to say it every time he talks to you? You're worrying over nothing.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 NJ - I think your tip is overall very good. So far when he's said/done something that upsets me enough to let him know, he usually apologizes and reassures me -- he's never once just told me to 'bug off' or anything. Well the one thing that made me create this thread is not something that I'd bring it up to him about, because it's not THAT bad...I hope. Well basically I sent him a txt this morning at 8:50...'morning baby, hope your meeting went well...get some rest now. Love u'. He gets off graveyard shift at 9am so at 9:05 he replied 'Meeting got postponed till tomorrow, oh well! Call of dune videogame time ' I guess I was a bit bothered by how he did not say 'i love you back.' When I tell him in person i love him, he says back 'i love you too.' And he also tells me 'i love you' to me in person as well, and I say 'i love you too' back. My gut feeling tells me he is just clueless or forgot to txt I love you back, but can guys really be THAT clueless? So you were pissed he didn't send you a text message saying "i love you" back? Ah come on now. You are very insecure NOT oversensitive. They are two seperate things. I send my bf texts saying "i love you" and sometimes he doesn't reply back with an "i love you." So what? It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. If you keep getting pissed off everytime your bf does or doesn't do something you are going to destroy your relationship. Your bf is going to pick up on this also, I did this at the beginning of my relationship and my bf HATED it. So I got over it. And you need to try to do it too.
Florida Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 When your bf says or does something that say is kind of hurtful, how do you differentiate if its because they don't care/aren't into you enough OR if they just don't know any better/are clueless? Anyone had those instances with their SO? Any advice? I'm the really sensitive type and I tend to overanalyze everything. This post made me respond, it sounded like a problem in communication that could be solved. Well the one thing that made me create this thread is not something that I'd bring it up to him about, because it's not THAT bad...I hope. Well basically I sent him a txt this morning at 8:50...'morning baby, hope your meeting went well...get some rest now. Love u'. He gets off graveyard shift at 9am so at 9:05 he replied 'Meeting got postponed till tomorrow, oh well! Call of dune videogame time ' I guess I was a bit bothered by how he did not say 'i love you back.' When I tell him in person i love him, he says back 'i love you too.' And he also tells me 'i love you' to me in person as well, and I say 'i love you too' back. My gut feeling tells me he is just clueless or forgot to txt I love you back, but can guys really be THAT clueless? This is really not that big of a deal. I thought this was serious Fray. Are you serious, you actually got worried about this?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 This is really not that big of a deal. I thought this was serious Fray. Are you serious, you actually got worried about this? Yeah, I thought it was something really hurtful that he said. Sheesh.
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 You are very insecure NOT oversensitive. They are two seperate things. I totally agree. Fray, not only do you need to find a way to have some modicum of self-esteem, but you also really need to learn to pick your battles - not only with your BF, but in your own head.
EYECANDY000 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 NJ - I think your tip is overall very good. So far when he's said/done something that upsets me enough to let him know, he usually apologizes and reassures me -- he's never once just told me to 'bug off' or anything. Well the one thing that made me create this thread is not something that I'd bring it up to him about, because it's not THAT bad...I hope. Well basically I sent him a txt this morning at 8:50...'morning baby, hope your meeting went well...get some rest now. Love u'. He gets off graveyard shift at 9am so at 9:05 he replied 'Meeting got postponed till tomorrow, oh well! Call of dune videogame time ' I guess I was a bit bothered by how he did not say 'i love you back.' When I tell him in person i love him, he says back 'i love you too.' And he also tells me 'i love you' to me in person as well, and I say 'i love you too' back. My gut feeling tells me he is just clueless or forgot to txt I love you back, but can guys really be THAT clueless? Fray I do think you are a litte sensative. he was just answering your question about the meeting and stated what he was about to do for the next couple of hrs. Text messages are only like 160 characters. Is it that you feel like your not wanted enough and you want him to tell you how much he feels about you every day?
Florida Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I totally agree. Fray, not only do you need to find a way to have some modicum of self-esteem, but you also really need to learn to pick your battles - not only with your BF, but in your own head. I totally agree, Fray you have to be careful with not being the girl that cried wolf. Too many times and your real concerns (not just *here*) will be dismissed with all the non-real issues. If this post was about you just wondering if this was a big deal, that is reasonable. But you started out from the get go posting like it was something very hurtful, that made you doubt everything. Then again, my point is not to make you doubt yourself, I don't know, I can only point out what I see.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I totally agree, Fray you have to be careful with not being the girl that cried wolf. Too many times and your real concerns (not just *here*) will be dismissed with all the non-real issues. If this post was about you just wondering if this was a big deal, that is reasonable. But you started out from the get go posting like it was something very hurtful, that made you doubt everything. Then again, my point is not to make you doubt yourself, I don't know, I can only point out what I see. Yeah, that's something I don't understand either. Why did you post it like something he said was sooooo hurtful to you and that you were upset? For attention? Man, your bf is going to pick up on this behavior I guarantee!
Author fray718 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Well this thread is more like in general with guys being clueless at times. Like I said, I won't bring this whole txt thing up to him, because while it did bother me, I didn't feel it was something I would bring up. I guess I just needed reassurance that him not txting 'i love you' back doesn't mean anything. I'm not upset, just bothered, and it just INSPIRED me to think bout things and thus led to this thread, which is just a general question about guys in general. LB - your example with you bf is a huge relief for me! I hope everyone remains patient with me. I know my asking all these stupid questions can get annoying, but I myself am just totally inexperience and clueless and not sure what this or that means. Well for one I'm glad to know that this whole txt thing is not a big deal. Thanks.
Author fray718 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Yeah, that's something I don't understand either. Why did you post it like something he said was sooooo hurtful to you and that you were upset? For attention? Man, your bf is going to pick up on this behavior I guarantee! No this thread is just 'in general'. I was not hurt/upset to point of tears cuz of this txt thing, it bothered me only that's all. I was more just reflecting on when we two broke up cuz I was over-reacting. And my question is how do i know that a guy is really doing wrong, or perhaps im just oversensitive or he is just clueless. I just want a way to learn how to pick my battles.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Well this thread is more like in general with guys being clueless at times. Like I said, I won't bring this whole txt thing up to him, because while it did bother me, I didn't feel it was something I would bring up. I guess I just needed reassurance that him not txting 'i love you' back doesn't mean anything. LB - your example with you bf is a huge relief for me! I hope everyone remains patient with me. I know my asking all these stupid questions can get annoying, but I myself am just totally inexperience and clueless and not sure what this or that means. Well for one I'm glad to know that this whole txt thing is not a big deal. Thanks. I was a lot like you when I first joined a year 1/2 ago. I still tend to overanalyze sometimes (because I'm a therapist) but I'm getting better. A trick that I try to use is think about things that my bf does to SHOW me that he loves me, cares about, ect. So if he doesn't say "i love you" back one time and I feel a little pang of insecurity then I look at some action that he has done to show me that he loves me (like drive an hour 1/2 after a long week at work to see me at college for the weekend). Or like the v-day card I just got in the mail from him. It was a total suprise and he said: Baby, I love you so much and i hope we will always be together. So that right there gives me assurance how much he cares for me to do something that sweet. He asked me what my address was last week and I thought it was odd, now I know why he did it! Sorry didn't mean to turn this into my thread, I just had to tell someone that!
Florida Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I just want a way to learn how to pick my battles. Good question. I'm bad at this too. Any responders? Oh I posted didn't see LB's advice. That is really good, why can we recall bad actions but forget the good ones so fast?
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Good question. I'm bad at this too. Any responders? Well, generally women who are insecure in relationship have trouble knowing whether it is something to get validly upset about or not. And like I said, you have to cure your insecurity first in order to see what is valid to get upset about and what is not.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) Good question. I'm bad at this too. Any responders? Oh I posted didn't see LB's advice. That is really good, why can we recall bad actions but forget the good ones so fast? Because when something we don't like happens, it clouds our judgement and all we think about is the bad thing. So you have to stop and think.."hmm, well he may not have said "i love you" but he did to show me he loves me!" And it takes practice to stop and think before you react. Impulse control problems are soooooo common in relationships, why do you think the divorce rate is so high??? Edited February 13, 2008 by Lauriebell82
Florida Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Because when something we don't like happens, it clouds our judgement and all we think about is the bad thing. So you have to stop and think.."hmm, well he may not have said "i love you" but he did to show me he loves me!" And it takes practice to stop and think before you react. Impulse control problems are soooooo common in relationships, why do you think the divorce rate is so high??? OMG girl, impulse control problem is my middle name, when faced with anxiety and possible fear of interpreting rejection! You're good. How do you advise working on that? Or am I getting into hourly charge territory here? :laugh:
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 OMG girl, impulse control problem is my middle name, when faced with anxiety and possible fear of interpreting rejection! You're good. How do you advise working on that? Or am I getting into hourly charge territory here? :laugh: Haha, I'll send you a bill. J/K. Well, there are a lot of ways to deal with impulses. A technique that I find helpful for clients dealing with impulse control problems as well as to deal with anger is when you have the urge to do something that is counterproductive, you stop and count backward from 100 by 3. Then by the time you get down to about 80 you: a) forget why you are angry or upset b) have distracted yourself off of what you had the impulse to do. There are all kinds of other coping strategies to deal with this kind of thing. Man I need to start charging here.
Florida Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Haha, I'll send you a bill. J/K. Well, there are a lot of ways to deal with impulses. A technique that I find helpful for clients dealing with impulse control problems as well as to deal with anger is when you have the urge to do something that is counterproductive, you stop and count backward from 100 by 3. Then by the time you get down to about 80 you: a) forget why you are angry or upset b) have distracted yourself off of what you had the impulse to do. There are all kinds of other coping strategies to deal with this kind of thing. Man I need to start charging here. I like that, much better than to keep talking about it in the moment and seeing it spiral and get worse. Hey it'll go into your good karma account now!
Lauriebell82 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I like that, much better than to keep talking about it in the moment and seeing it spiral and get worse. Hey it'll go into your good karma account now! Another good coping strategy is that if you are in a situation where you feel that you are about to say something that you will regret or are getting increasingly upset, just leave the room and go calm down. And i'm not talking to storm out of the room and slam the door, I mean just take a "time out." Just say "hey I need to go in the other room for a minute and think, I'll be right back."
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