dallascitichic Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 My boyfriend and I fell in love and moved very fast but he set the pace for our relationship. He told me he was in love with me on New Years and gave me a promise ring. A week ago he took me to a wine bar and proposed to me with his whole family in on the ordeal. The very next morning, he started picking me apart, picked a fight and took his ring back. The day after he took his ring, he gave me the ring back and said how sorry he was but he had just gotten scared and was fine. A week after he proposed, he kept putting off getting my ring sized and I finally pushed the issue last Friday (we were supposed to be meeting with a florist as HE had wanted to be married in April because he knew my lease was up and did not want to wait another six months to a year to get married). When I asked what was going on, he said he felt like we were moving too fast and could not enjoy being engaged because we would be swamped trying to plan a wedding while I am trying to work, take care of my son ad go to school. I overreacted and got very upset because he has gotten cold feet everytime we have passed a major milestone in our relationship. The next morning I apologized and asked when he wanted to move the wedding date back to and told him I was willing to wait longer. He now says he wants to just be boyfriend girlfriend again. He says he still loves me and wants to get married and have children but not yet. He asks that I just give him time and reminds me that he has always come around. What makes this so hard is he wants to still be together every day and basically wants everything to be the same but is so scared of having us be "engaged". If he still feels the same way about me and still wants the same things with me, why was it so important to him not to have the title of being engaged? I had already told all of my family, friends and co-workers and now I feel humiliated and rejected. I still have only told my family and a few close friends what he did because I am hoping he will realize that he made a rash decision out of fear. He even jokes all the time that he wishes we would have an accident and get pregnant because it would be easier for him not to have to make the decision. I am so resentful that he called the engagement off completely rather than just push back the date and it also leaves me in complete limbo because I have no idea what to do about my lease. How can he claim he loves me and yet me so scared to even be engaged to me? The ring he got me was rather expensive and I would have thoght he would have gotten cold feet then if he had doubts.. If he still feels the same way and wants the same things, why is it so scary for him to have a ring on my finger? He was so excited that he took me looking at rings twice and wanted to get married as soon as I could plan a wedding and now he has done a 180. It is really hard for me not to bring it up or make snotty comments because I am so hurt and angry. Why did he change his mind so suddenly and why does being engaged scare him so much when he was so in love and wanted to do this a week ago? Now, when I push the issue he feels further away and like he wants it less and less the more he knows I want him to change his mind. Where do I go from here and how do I get over the resentment and act like the engagement never happened but still move forward and be affectionate. I find myself wanting to punish him and show him I can be happy without him or that he could lose me but I know that is not healthy. I cannot seem to be as affectionate to him as I once was because all I can think of is what he did and why, I am pushing him away and planning my future without him in it which I know will not fix things. I don't know how to get that bond and trust back that I feel like he has broken because he got scared. Im lost and confused. Valentines day was supposed to be our big date night and I know I will be sad if we are not together but I will also be sad on our romantic date thinking about the future we should be having but where we are now. I think things would have been great if he could just get over his fear but he thinks he did the right thing by calling in completely off rather than just pushing it back..
Haohmaru Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 He isn't ready. I've felt the same thing. I know this doesn't help much emotionally, but seeing what you wrote about him, you could write about me. It's one thing to love somebody and be bf/gf, but then when you start bringing the State into it, mixing finances, and using words like "forever," that can scare the biggest balls into a prepubescent stage. How old is your guy? That has a lot to do with it.
mistie03 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 He is showing the typical signs of commitmentphobia. If you try to push into keeping his promise of marrying you, he will probably run away faster. I just read the book, "Men Who Can't Love, how to recognize a commitmentphobic man before he breaks your heart". It is a very good read, and very enlightening. Some of these men do go on to get married, but end up feeling overwhelmed by the thought of "forever". I just broke up with a guy who is/was a textbook example. He started out as the man of my dreams, and things never got better. I finally had to stop seeing him. I couldn't take it anymore. BTW, I'm in Texas, too.
Miyamoto Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Why do you push into marriage? Why do women do that? What is different? Is is because of the legal promise to stay together forever? Well, as you are seeing, pushing for "forever" is actually shortening it. Your man is a cat guy. (Not a cat person, but a cat guy.) You know how to make cats pay attention? Ignore it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it
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