dallascitichic Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 My boyfriend and I fell in love and moved very fast but he set the pace for our relationship. He told me he was in love with me on New Years and gave me a promise ring. A week ago he took me to a wine bar and proposed to me with his whole family in on the ordeal. The very next morning, he started picking me apart, picked a fight and took his ring back. The day after he took his ring, he gave me the ring back and said how sorry he was but he had just gotten scared and was fine. A week after he proposed, he kept putting off getting my ring sized and I finally pushed the issue last Friday (we were supposed to be meeting with a florist as HE had wanted to be married in April because he knew my lease was up and did not want to wait another six months to a year to get married). When I asked what was going on, he said he felt like we were moving too fast and could not enjoy being engaged because we would be swamped trying to plan a wedding while I am trying to work, take care of my son ad go to school. I overreacted and got very upset because he has gotten cold feet everytime we have passed a major milestone in our relationship. The next morning I apologized and asked when he wanted to move the wedding date back to and told him I was willing to wait longer. He now says he wants to just be boyfriend girlfriend again. He says he still loves me and wants to get married and have children but not yet. He asks that I just give him time and reminds me that he has always come around. What makes this so hard is he wants to still be together every day and basically wants everything to be the same but is so scared of having us be "engaged". If he still feels the same way about me and still wants the same things with me, why was it so important to him not to have the title of being engaged? I had already told all of my family, friends and co-workers and now I feel humiliated and rejected. I still have only told my family and a few close friends what he did because I am hoping he will realize that he made a rash decision out of fear. He even jokes all the time that he wishes we would have an accident and get pregnant because it would be easier for him not to have to make the decision. I am so resentful that he called the engagement off completely rather than just push back the date and it also leaves me in complete limbo because I have no idea what to do about my lease. How can he claim he loves me and yet me so scared to even be engaged to me? The ring he got me was rather expensive and I would have thoght he would have gotten cold feet then if he had doubts.. If he still feels the same way and wants the same things, why is it so scary for him to have a ring on my finger? He was so excited that he took me looking at rings twice and wanted to get married as soon as I could plan a wedding and now he has done a 180. It is really hard for me not to bring it up or make snotty comments because I am so hurt and angry. Why did he change his mind so suddenly and why does being engaged scare him so much when he was so in love and wanted to do this a week ago? Now, when I push the issue he feels further away and like he wants it less and less the more he knows I want him to change his mind. Where do I go from here and how do I get over the resentment and act like the engagement never happened but still move forward and be affectionate. I find myself wanting to punish him and show him I can be happy without him or that he could lose me but I know that is not healthy. I cannot seem to be as affectionate to him as I once was because all I can think of is what he did and why, I am pushing him away and planning my future without him in it which I know will not fix things. I don't know how to get that bond and trust back that I feel like he has broken because he got scared. Im lost and confused. Valentines day was supposed to be our big date night and I know I will be sad if we are not together but I will also be sad on our romantic date thinking about the future we should be having but where we are now. I think things would have been great if he could just get over his fear but he thinks he did the right thing by calling in completely off rather than just pushing it back..
Ssheena Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 RED FLAGS GALORE! The things that I see as flags are: 1) the moving fast 2) the picking you apart I just get the feeling he is very, very controlling and that you will never be "perfect" enough for him. Look at how you are feeling now. Do you think it is right that you are questioning everything and being careful not to say stuff to upset him or doubting yourself? Do you think that most people that are engaged experience this kind of behavior? Just saying I am feeling some major red flags here and if I was you I would take care of myself and my son first and if that means finding somewhere else to live before your lease is up, by all means do it. Your loyalty is to you and your son (who, incidentally, is a real cutie). What is past history like with women? Try and get an idea from that. I don't mean to bum you out but it's just what I'm getting from the way you have described it. What does your gut tell you?
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