Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 It could be that she has a lot of friends who are married/engaged etc and feels left out because she is still single so therefore she gets irritated/jealous when those married friends talk constantly about their SOs because she doesn't have an SO to talk about. So I'm guessing its more of a personal pet peve of hers and not an attack against YOUR friends. Yeah, I'm sure that's at least part of it. And that's another thing that bothered me about it is that Bill and Joe are both the type of people to make an effort to make a new person to the group feel welcome.
Art_Critic Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 You mean this issue? I think so.. I think she is going to dog your friends some more if they talk about their spouses. She may even ask you if you talk about her, ( later on that is ). I wouldn't give it a full red flag though.. just the kind of flag that you watch to see if it springs up later on... I dated a girl once that used to put me down with small slights in front of my family ( I never noticed it as they were so small ).. Once my family said something to me I noticed it and I then had and issue with it..
latefragment Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 tanbark it's admirable that you're even trying to give her the benefit of the doubt after the somewhat catty comments. If I were you I'd go ahead and evaluate after one more try, something like that, if you are so inclined. If not, then just forget about it. Some people aren't on their best behavior in the first couple dates because they're nervous or afraid of rejection or whatever.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Another thought - just to be helpful to her - if you do break it off - tell her the real reasons why - she may not even realize she is so bad about this stuff, and it could help her "work" on herself in the future and maybe be a bit more successful dating in the future. If it comes up I'll mention it but most of the time when you tell someone what you didn't like about them it just goes in one ear and out the other. If I were you I'd go ahead and evaluate after one more try, something like that, if you are so inclined. If not, then just forget about it. I'm still kind of on the fence. I don't see her online right now and am basically just waiting (not actively anticipating so much as seeing if it happens) to see if I hear from her.
sunshinegirl Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I'm not sure it's fair to wait around expecting her to apologize. I doubt she realizes she's offended! If you want an apology, you will likely need to tell her that it bothered you. If she still doesn't apologize, or explain what motivated her questions, then I think you have flags to worry about. I have learned (through hard experience) that email & text messages are terrible for inflaming simple misunderstandings. You could have "heard" her questions as way more attacking via text than you might have in person. But if you are generally not feelin' it with her, that's a whole other thing.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 I'm not sure it's fair to wait around expecting her to apologize. I doubt she realizes she's offended! If you want an apology, you will likely need to tell her that it bothered you. If she still doesn't apologize, or explain what motivated her questions, then I think you have flags to worry about. For about the past two weeks we've been IM'ing during the day and one or the other of us will initiate it. I'm also curious to see if she'll IM me. After the "ok..." in the IM convo posted we haven't spoken since. I think part of the conversation might also be her criticizing me for not trying to steer the conversation away from talking about SO's. For all I know she's expecting me to apologize for that and we're at a standoff. I have learned (through hard experience) that email & text messages are terrible for inflaming simple misunderstandings. You could have "heard" her questions as way more attacking via text than you might have in person. Well the questions I mentioned were said in person.
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 She's freaky Tan.....I don't know where you find these chicky's! Seems they flock to you whether it be online or offline!
oppath Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 If there is one thing I've learned, it's that I want my prospective girlfriends to like my friends and I want to like theirs' too. It can be uncomfortable people talking about relationships. Maybe she just felt like since she did not know those other people and their backstories, that she was excluded or couldn't participate in the conversation. Or maybe she's sensitive because she is insecure about being single and hates relationship talk. I feel her comments are less about talking bad about your friend, but are just a veil covering some other issue that bothered her about the interaction. I had an ex like that though, even the "tell me a story" or "say something now" and she would criticize my friends. She damaged my esteem after a while. True, I was shy and had just started dating, she was my first gf at 25, but she'd comment on how she could tell I was inexperienced and unconfident. I was. But her constant questioning of it made me more insecure and less confident and less likely to open up. Telling a shy guy on a date "girls don't want quiet guys. They want a guy who is strong and confident" will hardly make the guy be confident and outgoing. If someone is quiet, and you say "why are you so quiet" chances are, it will only make them self conscious. And she'd basically belittle my friends. For my lack of social skills, I still possessed greater social etiquette than her. I didn't have the experience at the time to walk away from that. But know I pay particular attention. I'll even introduce dates to my most eccentric friends -- ones with OCD and aspergers -- and if the don't like my friends and have something bad to say, I question continuing to date her.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 She's freaky Tan.....I don't know where you find these chicky's! Seems they flock to you whether it be online or offline! I must put out some kind of weirdness sonar. I had an ex like that though, even the "tell me a story" Yeah, it also depends how it's said. When S_G said it it was more to spark conversation. But with this new chick it came across more like, "Dance, monkey, dance!!" But to update: She IM'ed me earlier and after I made a reference to the conversation the other day in a half-joking way she apologized for it.
Florida Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Seems like she was trying out a few personas with you. I think once I read on a dating advice site guys like it when you are: -outspoken and don't hold back any opinions, be yourself!! Say anything that comes to mind! It also gave little tips like let them be the center of attention, say things like: - "I'm booored, entertain me!" Maybe she read the same advice site as me.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Maybe she read the same advice site as me. Hopefully you had the good sense not to follow it.
Florida Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hopefully you had the good sense not to follow it. Ha! Of course not, not me! (crosses fingers, cringes)
norajane Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) Hey, I'm not a big talker either and it takes me awhile to open up to new people and someone saying "you don't talk much" or "you're so quiet" or "tell me a story" like I"m supposed to perform a trick on command or something doesn't sit too well with me either. I think we, introverts are irritated when people point out our "flaws" just like you didnt' tell your date she had stringy hair (even though it was obvious) because its rude, I think it was rude of your date to say that to you. She probably didnt' realize it though. I'll put another perspective out there. When we don't know you very well, we have no idea that you're a quiet person in general, or that it takes you some time of getting to know us to warm up! When someone is quiet, it can make us feel like he's bored or upset about something, maybe about something we did or said. That's a typical guy reaction when you're upset or have something on your mind, right? You withdraw physically or withdraw into silence? It's what you're doing now, right? Just like women get quiet, and then you ask us if there's something wrong and we say "No, Nothing's Wrong!" and you know perfectly well that there is something very wrong. So if you're quiet, we might say something to see if you respond with "nah, I just don't like this place and would rather go somewhere else," "oh, I worked late and am tired tonight," "my dog just died," "you said something that's been on my mind" or "gee, look at the time, gotta go!" You can put her mind at ease with a "yeah, it takes me a while to get comfortable and loosen up" or "yeah, I tend to be quiet the first few dates until we get to know each other." Edited February 13, 2008 by norajane
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 "my dog just died," I think I'll just start saying this whenever someone points out I'm being quiet.
Citizen Erased Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 This girl is nuts. Forget about her and come to Coco
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Forget about her and come to Coco Okay. I'll even let you moan and scream as much as you want.
sb129 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 This girl is nuts. Forget about her and come to Coco Shameless. Now thats BRAZEN Tan. Coco, are you quiet IRL too? It can;t be....
Citizen Erased Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Okay. I'll even let you moan and scream as much as you want. Shameless. Now thats BRAZEN Tan. Coco, are you quiet IRL too? It can;t be.... Oh don't worry, I am pretty much the same IRL as I am on here.
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 As a fellow introvert, I CAN NOT STAND people telling me "oh you don't talk much" or "you are quiet" or "tell me a story". In fact nowdays, if someone said it to me in even a nice way, I would start to avoid them (be it dating or friendship situation). Just want to point that out to the outgoing people out there.
allina Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 That's weird, the bad kind of weird. Maybe not a big, giant red flag but her strong reaction to basically nothing must come from somewhere. Be careful, she might be crazy Also I'm not agreeing with the quiet comments :confused: I remember you being talkative
Author tanbark813 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Also I'm not agreeing with the quiet comments :confused: I remember you being talkative Why, thank you. I guess you draw out the talkative side of The Bark.
Ariadne Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Hey Tank, That comment about your friends just means that she's sick of engaged and in love people talking about their SO's that are not even there. Like, Hi! nice to meet you, I'm Bill, btw, I'm married and I have a wife, she is amazing, she's at home right now, she sings like an angel, she does theater too, I don't know why she doesn't do Kareoke. It tends to annoy single people, especially on a first date (trying to find that special SO themselves). That's why she said: most of my friends are married and in LTRs and i try and make a point to steer the conversations from their better halves.. (better halves) That's all she meant... Other than that, she seemed pretty cool to me. Ariadne
Author tanbark813 Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Like, Hi! nice to meet you, I'm Bill, btw, I'm married and I have a wife, she is amazing, she's at home right now, she sings like an angel, she does theater too, I don't know why she doesn't do Kareoke. That's not how it was at all though. Karaoke was brought up because that's what we did the night before and Joe asked if she sang also. And I'm the one that said his wife had an amazing voice. I talked her up more than he did, really.
Walk Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I can imagine your dates convo with her friend about your date... Her: "I went out with this really cute guy the other day and he barely talked at all." Friend: "Maybe he's just quiet?" Her: "You know.. I asked him 'You don't talk much, do you?' and you know what he said? just 'Nope.'" Friend: "That was all he said?" Her: "And then when his friends showed up at the train station, he talked about how his friends wife had the best voice and stuff. He barely spoke to me during our date, but then when he finally does start talking he talks about how great this other guys wife is."
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