tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 So I met a girl online a couple weeks ago and went out with her for the second time this past Friday night. She doesn't have a car so I picked her up from work to go out. At the end of the date I suggested she just crash at my place and then in the morning she can take the train (as she usually does when commuting) back home since me and my friends were taking it up to the city the next day to a poker tournament and she could just ride with us. She agreed. The next day we drove over to Joe's house (names have been changed) and met up with him and Bill. We hung out there for about 15 minutes, then walked over to the train station. When our train came my date had to hang back and take a different one so that was when we parted ways. So she spent a total of about 30 minutes meeting these two friends for the first time. Joe and Bill are both outgoing and talkative and I thought everything was pleasant. Now, over the course of the two dates this girl has said things here and there that have rubbed me the wrong way. Nothing big, just very minor stuff that seems tactless to me. Like, "You don't talk much, do you?" or "Tell me a story. Now." For the past two weeks we've been chatting online throughout the day and this was part of the conversation on Monday: new chick: howd you guys do at the poker champeenship? tanbark: i lasted about 2 hours, a little longer than joe bill lasted another couple of hours after that and got down to the last 3 tables but then got knocked out bill was actually trying to lose after me and joe lost so he could come out but then got on a hot streak new chick: thats very sweet of him brotherly love pound it, bro tanbark: w00t new chick: so youre usually shooting the shyt with those 2 then? tanbark: them two and bob new chick: ah does he only talk about his fiance/wife too? :| tanbark: lol.. no.. he mainly talks about climbing and work [At this point I thought she was kidding and didn't realize she was serious until this next line.] new chick: mkay cause i thought that was kinda shytty tanbark: what was? i don't remember him saying anything bad new chick: i recall is your friends talking about their sig others, for the most part i just dont think its tactful tanbark: i'm not sure i follow they weren't talking shyt or anything new chick: no, but i would be annoyed. its prolly just me new chick: most of my friends are married and in LTRs and i try and make a point to steer the conversations from their better halves when we hang out, is all but i dont know, yall seem laid back enough /shrug tanbark: yeah, maybe you guys are more uptight new chick: constantly criticizing and hating on each other its a pet peeve of mine, is all tanbark: i don't remember anyone hating on each other new chick: dont worry about it, its me reading into things tanbark: ok... _______________________________________ After that we didn't say anything to each other the rest of the day. Then yesterday I saw she was online but we also didn't say anything to each other. At first I didn't have any idea what she was talking about but after thinking about it the talking-about-SO's could have had to do with Joe talking about why his wife, who does theater and has a great voice, doesn't do karaoke. And the hating-on-each-other part could be when I jokingly called Joe retarded for not being able to purchase a round trip ticket for some reason and having to buy two one way tickets. But I don't see what the big deal is. Plus, not only do I not appreciate a girl criticizing my friends, but to do so after only two dates is a little brazen.
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Agreed, that's pretty lame and kind of out there after only 2 dates.
starlite Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Yeah, after 2 dates she should still be in the 'impressing' stage. This is not very impressive at all. She does sounds pretty uptight. Especially since your friends didnt say or do anything offensive.
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Her, "You don't talk much, do you?" comment was probably not phrased in the best way, but I can understand why she'd ask that. You are pretty quiet in person, Tan. But her dissing your friends is absolutely uncool, particularly after 2 dates.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Her, "You don't talk much, do you?" comment was probably not phrased in the best way, but I can understand why she'd ask that. You are pretty quiet in person, Tan. I'm the strong, silent type.
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I'm the strong, silent type. Mmmhmm. So whaddya gonna do? You've seen her since that convo, right?
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Tell her that she was way out of line. Then sucker punch her in the kidneys. That always works for me.
melodymatters Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Her, "You don't talk much, do you?" comment was probably not phrased in the best way, but I can understand why she'd ask that. You are pretty quiet in person, Tan. But her dissing your friends is absolutely uncool, particularly after 2 dates. TAN....is a pretty quiet person ?!?!? Boy, the computer really DOES make it hard to get a true impression, I would have thought he was a " life of the party" type !!! Well, she didn't really " insult", your friends, but her thinking that all of your behaviours were mean spirited definitely shows she has a different thought process than you ( and apparently me !)
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Tell her that she was way out of line. Then sucker punch her in the kidneys. That always works for me. And the hormones come out a'blazin'! ...
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 TAN....is a pretty quiet person ?!?!? Boy, the computer really DOES make it hard to get a true impression, I would have thought he was a " life of the party" type !!! Yes, he is. I too told him to "tell me a story," I think... and that's when he turned into a 3 minute chatter box. And then he went back to quiet Tan. Perhaps she's figuring out how to get him to open up to her...
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 So whaddya gonna do? You've seen her since that convo, right? No, that was over IM on Monday. Right now I'm just waiting to see if she'll apologize. I'm kind of on the fence about wanting to see her again. Tell her that she was way out of line. Then sucker punch her in the kidneys. That always works for me. I just might. I too told him to "tell me a story," I think... and that's when he turned into a 3 minute chatter box. And then he went back to quiet Tan. Perhaps she's figuring out how to get him to open up to her... Well, it takes me several times hanging out with someone before I can really open up. I've always been like that. I don't know why. Maybe that's why online I seem like I'd be more talkative. I don't feel that same guardedness. On a side note, though, I know being quiet is usually taken in a negative way but why do people insist on making comments? When I was out with the new chick I wasn't like, "So.. Your hair's pretty stringy. Why's that?"
Star Gazer Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 On a side note, though, I know being quiet is usually taken in a negative way but why do people insist on making comments? When I was out with the new chick I wasn't like, "So.. Your hair's pretty stringy. Why's that?" :lmao: Stringy hair? Really?? I don't think she(or anyone else who comments on their observation of your quietness) meant it in a negative way. I think she was just trying to gauge how you were feeling. If you had responded with, "WTF? I'm not quiet!" she would then know that you're being quiet around her for a reason.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 I don't think she(or anyone else who comments on their observation of your quietness) meant it in a negative way. I think she was just trying to gauge how you were feeling. If you had responded with, "WTF? I'm not quiet!" she would then know that you're being quiet around her for a reason. Well when she said, "You don't talk much, do you?" I just said, "Nope." I wonder how she took that.
serial muse Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Gotta say...I'm not a big chatterbox with people I don't know well, either. I'm also nowhere near mute, but it does bug me when someone says "you're pretty quiet, huh?" Because, seriously...there's no better way to get an introvert to clam up than to make them even more self-conscious. Anyhoo...those friend comments seem kind of red flag-ish, to me. I honestly don't see why someone who's married can't talk about their significant other. Who in the what now? My armchair diagnosis is that she sounds kind of controlling.
MakeLemonade Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 She sounds like maybe she is a "negative Nellie", always sees the worst in people. How is everything else? I know it's only been 2 dates and some online chatting but were there any other red flags? It has been my experience negative people can only bring you down, even though it can be rewarding if you can be the one to cheer them or up or bring them "out of it". But! Maybe if everything else has been good, she was just having a bad day.
MakeLemonade Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 My armchair diagnosis is that she sounds kind of controlling. I agree, also was thinking along the lines of controlling but didn't have enough evidence to feel confident saying it.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 there's no better way to get an introvert to clam up than to make them even more self-conscious. Totally. Plus, at least I'm not the kind of person that doesn't know when to just STFU. I honestly don't see why someone who's married can't talk about their significant other. Me neither. It would be one thing if they were bad-mouthing their SO's but they weren't. I know it's only been 2 dates and some online chatting but were there any other red flags? This is the only thing I'd officially call a red flag. Like I said, there have been minor comments here and there that didn't sit right with me but nothing major. I'm not sure our personalities gel.
serial muse Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I agree, also was thinking along the lines of controlling but didn't have enough evidence to feel confident saying it. Hee hee...neither do I, but I figured if the new chick is going to make snap judgments about people she doesn't know then why shouldn't I? I dunno...the friends thing is sensitive to me. When we were first dating my current BF tried it (making snap judgments about people he'd barely met and kind of dismissing them). I had to shoot that shyt right down. No one talks smack about my friends but me!!! But I should add that he also later admitted he was wrong. So even if it's a red flag, that doesn't mean you can't work it out. Edited to add: Plus, at least I'm not the kind of person that doesn't know when to just STFU. Oh yeah. Word!
Art_Critic Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 She is reacting from her past experiences... Maybe she had an old BF that used to make her the subject of things when they weren't getting along... Other than that I guess everyone is allowed to be wrong every once in a while.. She did say that it was just her reading into things... Something tells me that this one is going to come up again...
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Hee hee...neither do I, but I figured if the new chick is going to make snap judgments about people she doesn't know then why shouldn't I? Good call.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Maybe she had an old BF that used to make her the subject of things when they weren't getting along... Yeah, that crossed my mind. Something tells me that this one is going to come up again... You mean this issue?
MakeLemonade Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 This is the only thing I'd officially call a red flag. Like I said, there have been minor comments here and there that didn't sit right with me but nothing major. I'm not sure our personalities gel. If you are feeling this way already, after just 2 dates, you are probably spot on. The beginning is supposed to be the best (usually) after all. No judgments, just having fun, being on your best behavior, all that good stuff. If it were me, I would give her one more shot to show you that isn't really how she is, if she continues with the neg comments and judgemental-ness? I imagine your time would be better spent finding someone you do "gel" with. Unless she's really hot of course. And even then....
Author tanbark813 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 I imagine your time would be better spent finding someone you do "gel" with. Well I have a first date with a new girl on Sunday so I'll see how that goes.
lexi29 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hey, I'm not a big talker either and it takes me awhile to open up to new people and someone saying "you don't talk much" or "you're so quiet" or "tell me a story" like I"m supposed to perform a trick on command or something doesn't sit too well with me either. I think we, introverts are irritated when people point out our "flaws" just like you didnt' tell your date she had stringy hair (even though it was obvious) because its rude, I think it was rude of your date to say that to you. She probably didnt' realize it though. From a female perspective, I think your date is just a negative person. She shouldn't have made those comments about your friends especially if they were nice and friendly to her. It could be that she has a lot of friends who are married/engaged etc and feels left out because she is still single so therefore she gets irritated/jealous when those married friends talk constantly about their SOs because she doesn't have an SO to talk about. So I'm guessing its more of a personal pet peve of hers and not an attack against YOUR friends. However, that said, it is still rude/negative and I'm on your side when you say you are waiting to see if she appologizes before you hang out with her again. I wouldn't expect an appology though because she probably doesnt' think she did or said anything wrong. You seem like a cool guy and would be better suited with someone with a more positive upbeat attitude.
MakeLemonade Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Another thought - just to be helpful to her - if you do break it off - tell her the real reasons why - she may not even realize she is so bad about this stuff, and it could help her "work" on herself in the future and maybe be a bit more successful dating in the future.
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