Aramis Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hello all, I'm out for some advice on a tricky situation; I have a 'friend' that I love to bits but isn't clear what she wants. Basically, we're in our 30s, knew each other vaguely as kids, then virtually lost contact until six months ago. We've spent a huge amount of time together, have become extremely close, get on wonderfully, she's intelligent, kind funny, caring; but there's a problem; she's reluctant to get any closer physically or show much unsolicited affection. The story goes that homelife issues in her childhood resulted in alcohol and promiscuity problems in her teens and twenties (looking for love and attention), which in turn has left her not very interested sex or fond of male contact in general. She'll hold my hand if I ask, let me play with her hair, caress her, put her legs in my lap when sitting around, but none of it is with great enthusiasm and she rarely (though sometimes) initiates it. She says she thinks the world of me and there's no one she'd rather be with, and it's not me it's her. OK, well at face value the lack of sex or more intense contact for now doesn't bother me IF she's giving the real reason; I enjoy her company enough and have sympathy/empathy enough for it not to be a big issue. BUT, the thought I can't get out of my head is the feeling of being rejected; the idea that she's making up the male contact thing because she's put me in the 'friend' zone and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, so now I'm mentally putting myself on a shelf below the guys she threw herself at in the past, which feels real sh*tty. So the question is, does it ring true? Thanx anyone.
curiousnycgirl Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I have no idea if the reason she is giving you is valid or not. What is clear is that is not ready for a more physical relationship with you. You need to figure out if you think that will change, and if she is worth pursuing/waiting for, or not.
soconfused01 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 If I were you, I'd ask her flat out. I'd make her feel secure enough about not hurting your feelings if she rejects you to tell the truth. Give her an escape plan. If she's in to you and is telling you the truth, she won't take it. Then I would suggest (carefully!) that she seek professional help so she can deal with her issues.
EYECANDY000 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Are you two an exclusive couple or FWB? Becaus eif it is FWB then she is reluctant to get close to you because she dont want it to become an relationship. The best thing to do is simply as her?
BlueHaiku Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 This sounds similar to something experienced by a friend of mine. The girl said that a past experience had hurt her so bad she was afraid and uncomfortable with sex. This may in fact be true, but ultimately it didn't matter. She promised to work on it. He married her. She never was able to solve her problem. They had an almost non existant sex life. It ruined their marriage. Tread carefully. A satisfying sex life (however you two personally define it) is pretty much essential to a successful relationship.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 BUT, the thought I can't get out of my head is the feeling of being rejected; the idea that she's making up the male contact thing because she's put me in the 'friend' zone and doesn't want to hurt my feelings, so now I'm mentally putting myself on a shelf below the guys she threw herself at in the past, which feels real sh*tty. So the question is, does it ring true? Thanx anyone. It doesn't matter what she says it's what she DOES that counts. Or in this case doesnt do! Yes, you are a step below previous guys. She may not think so... but she acts like you are... and that friend is what matters most. Were I in your shoes, I'd stay as just friends... and look for a woman that wanted to touch me!
peace_pipe Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Hello all, I'm out for some advice on a tricky situation; I have a 'friend' that I love to bits but isn't clear what she wants. Basically, we're in our 30s, knew each other vaguely as kids, then virtually lost contact until six months ago. This woman needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Maybe a therapist boyfriend.
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