Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) Hi everyone... Just wondering if anyone can help here... I don't know what to think or do. I have been conciously avoiding my ex at all costs for the last three weeks after I was a bit spooked - he went through a phase of watching me and driving by me a lot ( after he pulled up one night when I was walking home wanting a booty call which I turned down ), then he turned up at the college I study in having rescheduled his course to coincide with mine, sitting outside my classroom. When I came to college he would always watch me when I came in but in the canteen we would be inches away and he would not look at me or speak to me, yet would drive by me every night after college. When he turned up I was so surprised...I spoke to him and he told me he was lonely over christmas yet when I suggested that we meet after college he coldly said he couldn't as he was meeting "a woman" afterwards...he seemed quite controlled and angry. I thought I really didn't want anything to do with him so the last three weeks I've been going to and from college a different route, staying in the class in break and going in another entrance...so extreme no contact since he would do stuff like turn up in the exit when I was leaving or the shop I went to on the way home. Then, last night, I'm walking home a totally different way and his car drives by me again...it's out of town and nowhere near where he lives but it was a road near my house. I don't know what to do or think...I will go on ignoring him but I just find it a bit freaky that he drove around looking for me after college. He hasn't made any "normal" contact. Should I be a bit spooked out or do you think he might just miss me? His best friend has also been very friendly lately and I hardly know him... I wrote a bit more about him in some other threads too. Even now I still have some feelings for him but it's all getting a bit scary... It stressed me out over christmas... Love DLD x Edited February 13, 2008 by Dear Lady Disdain
SeraBella Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I don't think this is normal behavior at all. I'd be creeped out. Especially since there's no "normal" contact just this creepy stalkerish behavior. How long ago did this start?
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) Thank you so much for your reply... Well even at the beginning he would turn up out of the blue and speak to me and hang around my desk at work...he was quite persistent and when I didn't meet him first time he drove off in an angry rage. Then I went on a date with him and he was nice at first but then began to do cruel things and play mind games...almost right away. But at this point I adored him so I was pretty forgiving. I went NC with him after a couple of months and out of the blue, his female work colleague rang me up asking to hang out with me, so we got in touch again. He started to treat me worse and worse as time went on and then I went NC for five months with him. In those five months I saw his car several times and once I was talking to a guy in the street and he stopped his car across the street and glared at me, before speeding off. Five months later, a few days before college, he saw me again and started beeping his car horn furiously. Then I saw him in college and that night he followed me up the road home and drove slowly by me. That was in September and he would follow me after class every night - his course coincided with mine once a week - and I would also see him at the weekends. He parked his car outside the college gates when he saw me waiting in the doorway and once I saw him watching me walking up the street and when I approached he sped off. One time he drove by and I looked in and saw him and he was laughing his head off! It's been the worst since September...I've seen him drive by numerous times - his car is easy to spot, personalised numberplate and everything... There was a lull over christmas and then he began again, turning up at the college, having changed the day his course ran... Then I began my avoidance - it worked for three weeks and now this drive-by last night... The most disturbing thing is the fact he won't make any "normal" contact. I am afraid that he is not making any in case I use it as "leverage" against him should things get really bad. It's also strange because he acts so strange and controlled when I speak to him to his face, yet with everyone else he is relaxed and always making jokes. He treats me totally differently to everybody else. Also I found out someone else once took out a restraining order against him... I don't think it is that harmful - maybe it is just his way of wanting to be around me though he is incapable of sustaining a "normal" relationship. I feel sorry for him in a way. I was denying the severity of it for so long, but it does seem pretty bad... To some extent I still care about him even despite everything so I cannot bring myself to go to the police and there seems no point in asking him, since I don't know if he even knows the reasons himself...plus I am trying just to extricate myself from the situation. Um...this turned out longer than I thought. Sorry! Edited February 13, 2008 by Dear Lady Disdain
melusine71 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Are you kidding me? I am really shocked that you ever had anything to do with him in the first place, DLD. He stong armed you into going on a date with him? Why would you ever let a man or anyone for that matter, especially someone you didn't know or had no ties to bully you into doing anything at all? First, call the police. Call Central dispatch and at least begin documenting this kind of stuff. I know it might seem over the top but he sounds like a real freak! Then, get thee to a psychologist and find out why you would ever allow a guy to treat you this way. you sound so smart and kind-- sometimes a guy being persistent can be very charming. This is something else. Driving by, stalking you... DANGER DANGER DANGER! Get campus security involved, don't be alone. Get a tazer or some mace... I'm serious! That would scare me to death. Big hugs to you and please take care of yourself.
sandflea Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 This is not normal behavior, and unfortunately I think it usually escalates. Contact the police, buy some mace, and stay alert. This is not a nice person. Please protect yourself. SF
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) Thank you so much for your replies...for a long time I was denying it was as bad as it was. I even became frightened of him so I would try to placate him originally by being nice. But the last three weeks I decided I wanted him out of my life so I could focus upon finding somebody new. There are quite a few guys who like me really and would never treat me this way. That was why I was pretty disturbed when he drove by me again last night - at first I even denied it then, thinking, oh he must miss me... But today I've been thinking about it more and how unnatural it is and I think I will go in and speak to the police though I won't give his name. I expected him to just leave me alone and I was feeling a sense of relief...not to drive around the town looking for me. I wish this wasn't happening...would you believe I adored him at first and slowly he pushed me further and further away with all sorts of mind games and tricks... Pretty sad about it really - but thank you so much for your help here. You are definitely encouraging me to continue with the NC - three weeks now and doing well! *hugs* to you all...x Edited February 13, 2008 by Dear Lady Disdain
SeraBella Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Get campus security involved, don't be alone. Get a tazer or some mace... I'm serious! That would scare me to death. Big hugs to you and please take care of yourself. I forgot about campus security. When I was in college, my school put student safety as a top priority. I'm not sure of the type of school it is, size, etc. that you attend, but if were uncomfortable, we could arrange for campus security to escort us home either by walking or driving us. I don't know how far you live (on campus, or off) but you should look into this. They wouldn't drive in the day, because that would get out of hand with lazy students not wanting to walk, but if it was in evening/dark they didn't hesitate. I would talk to campus security. Or even your advisor if you are more comfortable with them and see what can be done.
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Hi there SeraBella... Thank you for your advice here but this college unfortunately doesn't have security since it is just an adult education college, which runs night classes. You would think he would be more careful, considering the fact that I WORK in the same college as him ( but on a different campus )...and I could shatter his reputation if I told anyone about this. The police can actually do little about it since technically he has done nothing more than just follow me around. I was doing well with the NC but this little element has made it a bit harder. I guess I will just have to ignore him and hope he gives up this little game. Really glad for all your advice here x
Lyssa Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I guess I will just have to ignore him and hope he gives up this little game. As all the posters have said - it is absolutely abnormal behaviour! Is there nothing you can do about this? Do you have any brothers or cousins that can perhaps give him a word or two? I just find it (his behaviour) very creepy and I do hope you're protected.
Author Dear Lady Disdain Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 (edited) Unfortunately when you care for someone you sometimes blind your eyes to reality and I've been doing that for a while now...but the other night just proved that this is very disturbing. I wasn't quite sure if he was deliberately following me before since he could have just been going to someone's house in the town but that nailed it. Also it helps to get reassurance from others that this is rather freaky to say the least. I am able to protect myself well and I can even get a taxi up the road... Nothing threatening has happened yet but if it escalates I will call in some outside help. The most annoying thing is...I don't know why he is doing it! So glad I didn't ring up yesterday like I was going to...I had drunk a few glasses of wine and had this crazy idea to ring up and ask what was going on his head...it would have been madness though. I just don't get it! He has cancelled classes, rescheduled his course, driven out of his way...what on earth is his purpose? I guess it is to monitor me or make sure I don't forget about him. Can he not just pick up a phone?! I am just hoping nothing else will happen now... The thing is...I know that leaving an addictive relationship like this can be coming off a drug and you sometimes do mad things - I myself the other day took a bus and watched him from the window, I was compelled to see him. But I don't know whether he is doing this stuff in order to intimidate me or not...I guess I don't want things to turn ugly unless I know the reasons...it might be intimidation because I do know he is into sadism. Don't mean to alarm you all more... But then again it is causing me a lot of stress so if much more happens I will take some concrete action and do something about it. I certainly won't make any contact with him. Thank you for your kind reply x Edited February 14, 2008 by Dear Lady Disdain
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