sevensisters Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 My wife and I have been married for 20 years and I have always had a bisexual side. The desire to explore this is getting greater and greater. My wife has always been turned on by the thought of another guy being present while we have sex. When we make love I often talk about another man being present and him either masturbating while watching or her masturbating him, but what really turns her on is when I ask her if she wants me to give him oral sex while I am penetrating her. As soon as I mention this threesome act she begins to orgasm and really does have the most powerful orgasms that she ever does have. I have suggested to her that we find someone to enact the situation with but she does not want to and says it is just fantasy. She knows that I have a bisexual side and I have told her that I would like to pleasure a guy and that I would like her to be party to it but she prefers to ignor my needs. As a consequence, I have began visiting male and mixed saunas, which are effectively sex clubs, and know that despite wanting to remain faithful my sexual drive will eventually lead me towards pleasuring a man in one of these saunas either alone or with a woman present. I would really like my wife to be party to any homosexual activity that I indulge in so that she can take part as well and enjoy it. Where do I go from here?
shadowofman Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Exactly the same situation that you are in my friend. I don't have any solutions. My wife is not interested in anyone else getting near her or me. I have thus not betrayed her wishes in any way and I don't think I will. I have made a personal moral decision to be completely honest with her at all times (not like she trusts that). My fear is that I will sacrifice my relationship with her becaue my sexuality is not fullfilled. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but maybe soon. I assume it will be painful for both of us, we both love each other intensely. Maybe she will just accept my promiscuousness in order to hold on to the love. Maybe the pain will be too great for that. I can only assume her reaction. In any case, I don't see how our incompatable sexual orientations can be reconciled, even though our sex together is great. It makes one borderline suicidal.
Elena62 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I have suggested to her that we find someone to enact the situation with but she does not want to and says it is just fantasy. . As a consequence, I have began visiting male and mixed saunas, which are effectively sex clubs, and know that despite wanting to remain faithful my sexual drive will eventually lead me towards pleasuring a man in one of these saunas either alone or with a woman present. I would really like my wife to be party to any homosexual activity that I indulge in so that she can take part as well and enjoy it. Where do I go from here? 1) Does your wife know that you are visiting places that can lead to sex with another man? 2) Do you realise that your wife has been very clear to you about her boundaries and you should respect them? Where should you go from here? 3) Go see a therapist. Talk to your wife. Your boundaries are becoming confused.
SeraBella Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I've never understood why people take bisexual to mean you are unable to be faithful. It's not your sexual orientation that makes you want to cheat. There's something else there. Being bisexual doesn't mean you "get the best of both worlds." It means you are into both sexes. Ok. It doesn't mean you have to be with both at the same time. I'm hetero and only like men, and I am only with ONE man. But if tomorrow I wanted to say "Baby, I'm bi, so I'm going to have a girlfriend as well as you in my life. K. Thanks." does that mean I deserve BOTH while in a committed relationship? No. If you're in a committed relationship, you get one. You pick which sex you want. But one person. Being bisexual and cheating on you wife with another man is no more acceptable than a heterosexual man/woman cheating on his/her spouse with another woman/man or a homosexual man/woman cheating on his/her SO with another man/woman. Your wife has made it clear she's not interested in an open marriage. Most "open" relationships don't last in the long term (yes, i realize there are exceptions to this rule), either.
JamesM Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I've never understood why people take bisexual to mean you are unable to be faithful. It's not your sexual orientation that makes you want to cheat. There's something else there. Being bisexual and cheating on you wife with another man is no more acceptable than a heterosexual man/woman cheating on his/her spouse with another woman/man or a homosexual man/woman cheating on his/her SO with another man/woman. Very well said, SeraBella. All of the words I was going to say are already said, but just to repeat...faithfulness to one person means exactly that. It doesn't matter what sex that person is, what sex you are, or to what sex(es) you are attracted. Fidelity means fidelity.
blind_otter Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I also find the excuse that bisexuality gives a person free reign to indulge in extracurricular sex to be really lame. Bisexuality merely means you are sexually attracted to both sexes. It does not mean that you are into group sex or multiple partners. That is something else entirely. When you fall in love with someone, you love that person - regardless of their gender (JMO). But you should be happy to be with the one you love. They should be enough. If you are continually overwhelmed with the urge to have sex with partners besides your spouse, IMO you need counseling to address your sexual obsession. As has been stated, fidelity is fidelity. IF you knew you couldn't be monogamous, you should have never married in the first place.
Geishawhelk Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 blind-otter, I was posting much the same as you when my post went awol!! I think it's viewed as almost a justification - "Sorry, honey, that's just the way I am, like it or lump it..." This succeeds in supposedly letting you off the hook (you can't help it, it's in your genes) and telling them that at one point or another, they're just not going to cut it. They'll be second best. it may not be what you intend them to hear, but that's what they'll hear anyway. Why commit to a marriage with a heterosexual person, then? More's to the point - why would they marry a bisexual partner, knowing the possibility of infidelity would arise....? keep it in your 'jeans'....
JessieT Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Yep, you get the same advice as everyone else in any relationship, if you want to be with someone else either get a divorce or get permission first. And since it doesn't look like you're going to get permission, then you need to respect your wife enough to get a divorce first and allow her to find someone who loves her and can remain faithful to her.
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 How do you stay faithful? Live up to your marriage vows. Enjoy fantasty play with your wife, maybe she can dress up like a man - Watch porn together... I agree with the others, being bisexual doesn't give you the right to go cheat on your wife. I mean, would be okay if you were lusting after other women and hoping to have to sex with them too? NO ofcourse not... So, you need to decide what is more important. Hot sex or a loving long term marriage. Seek counselling if you are feeling messed up about it.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Your thread should be titled " I'm bi-sexual - how can I be "married"?. Did you tell your wife about your orientation and intentions to act on it before you were married? Mr. Lucky
johnny47 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I also find the excuse that bisexuality gives a person free reign to indulge in extracurricular sex to be really lame. Bisexuality merely means you are sexually attracted to both sexes. It does not mean that you are into group sex or multiple partners. That is something else entirely. When you fall in love with someone, you love that person - regardless of their gender (JMO). But you should be happy to be with the one you love. They should be enough. If you are continually overwhelmed with the urge to have sex with partners besides your spouse, IMO you need counseling to address your sexual obsession. As has been stated, fidelity is fidelity. IF you knew you couldn't be monogamous, you should have never married in the first place. Besides being on the 'down low' is very dangerous. Having sex in secret with other repressed married men can led to STD's. Why is that? It's the attitude of invunerability married BI Men have. They are more likely to go 'bare back' and engage in other risky behaviours - They are more likely to pick up male pros and have other one nighters in order to keep their proclivities secret. Chronic promiscuity and Bi married Men go hand and hand when the wife doesn't know.In swinging,however there are groups that meet as couples and sex is freed of gender. they are all over the place, caveat your wife has to participate (by that I mean just attend).
BlueHaiku Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I would like to address the part where you say "she prefers to ignore my needs." It sounds like you think she would actually like to have sex with you and another man. This is important: Your wife's getting turned on by sex talk about another man DOES NOT mean she really wants to act that out. There is talk that completely turns me on, but if it were actually to happen in real life would turn me off super quick (and likely cause me to leave the man who did it). Some fantasies I would like to come true, some fantasies are JUST fantasies. So, you say your wife is ignoring your needs - perhaps she is incapable of satisfying that need. Perhaps attempting to satisfy that need would damage her emotionally and psychologically. I know sex talk about two men turns me on in the bedroom, but were my SO to actually bring another man I'd flee. If I tried to do it for him, because I felt he needed/wanted it, it would probably cause me great psychological harm, as well as damage our emotional intimacy. Thus, I wouldn't do it. It would be great if your wife was truly into this. But clearly she isn't. So you need to decide which is more important to you: your marriage or your desire for sex with a man.
BettyBoop Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 but she prefers to ignor my needs. Don't confuse "needs" with "wants/desires". Two completely different things. For you to marry her, she must have been able to fill your needs before, and also I don't understand how come you never had any male lovers before if you always felt this way? Also, I doubt she is choosing to ignore them. Perhaps she doesn't even realise how bad it is that you feel about it. I agree with the others. Either you stay faitful or you divorce your wife. You will break her heart the day she finds out you went against her wishes.
LakesideDream Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Hetero, Bi, Gay.. is not the issue. Honesty is. I can tell you from a life of experiance, there is nothing better than havin a S.O. who you love, and who loves you. Once you find it, don't do something to put it in jeapordy.. if you do you may regret it forever.
Geishawhelk Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Don't confuse "needs" with "wants/desires". Two completely different things. Very Good Point.
shadowofman Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Everyone is correct on this issue seven. It is not your bisexuality that is the problem. But you are still having a sexual orientation issue. Promiscuousness is a sexual orientation as well. You can be bi and still have a monogamous orientation, but most bisexuals tend to be more promiscuous. Not understanding this aspect of our orientations is why most people mistakenly enter into mongamous relationships. I have no solution to your immediate problem, but I can suggest to you from now on, not to get into a monogamous relationship. If you are a promiscuously oriented person, no amount of anything is going to change that. Something that these other people don't understand is that promiscuousness is a natural and normal aspect of sexual orientation. It is the demonization of this which causes most people to grow up thinking they can be monogamous when they cannot. Or this causes them to pass blame for their action on their partners. The fact of the matter is that we need to understand ourselves better in order to correctly devote and respect each others needs. Your needs were not fully expressed in the beginning of your relationship. If you are like me, you either assumed you could be monogamous "for this one", or you assumed that she would come around to being promiscuous with you. I am guilty of both. In the romanitic "falling" phase of my relationship, I assumed that I wouldn't eventually become interested in others, like I always had before. "This one is special!" And at the same time, I assumed that all people are a little bisexual and promiscuous. She will eventually get interested in a playing with others. Wrong and wrong in my case, and I assume in yours. Can sexual orientations that differ on this be reconciled? I don't really think they can. But I'm hanging in there.
Geishawhelk Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 (edited) What an honest, frank and refreshing post, Shadow, thank you. Something that these other people don't understand is that promiscuousness is a natural and normal aspect of sexual orientation. It is the demonization of this which causes most people to grow up thinking they can be monogamous when they cannot. Or this causes them to pass blame for their action on their partners. The fact of the matter is that we need to understand ourselves better in order to correctly devote and respect each others needs. Whilst I am faithful to my partner because I love him, and because I want to be, I can see the sense in this. If humans were strictly supposed to be monogamous, and wired accordingly, then being unfaithful would not be the 'huge issue' it is. There are many animals in the animal kingdom who are faithful to one partner and who mate for life. There are very, very few mammals that are. (interesting link) And we as mammals - are animals too. I have mentioned before that if we remove all the Human psychological Logic and reason we have developped and are capable of -and leave aside the *Bible* (or insert *other* Theological work) Shakespeare, the poets and whoever else has commited cogitative pen to paper - we are basically instinctive Human animals. Relationships are a choice. Marriage is a Choice. Fidelity is a choice. And in marriage (a man-made concept) then Vows to remain faithful are the pre-requisite. If you know that a 'choice' lies before you, due to Choices already made, then - you makes yer bed and you lies in it. You can either ascribe to the Animal Instinct, or ascribe to the Human/intellectual one. The Choice - is yours. Edited February 14, 2008 by Geishawhelk
blind_otter Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 IMO it's YOUR responsibility to know yourself and make choices accordingly, society be damned.
shadowofman Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 It's true Otter, I'm trying to help people understand themselves inspite of societies lies. It is up to people to listen or not. Society tells girls they are sluts if they are promiscuous, and rewards young men for being studs. Is society shaping our sexual orientations in this respect so that a disproportionate number of men are promiscuous? I don't think so. I think a certain number of people are born to be more attracted to a loving relationship than to the physical body of another. Sapiosexuals. Love and monogamy is their sexual focus. The rest of us are either unsympathically open, honest and shallow about our sexual orientations, or we pretend to be a member of the cultural norm. Another thing that people need to understand is that possessiveness is just as much a biological aspect of humans. There is an actual physical manifestation to possessive/jealousy. Some people are not capable of suppressing. You can be both promiscuous and possessive at once. You can be monogamous and unpossessive.
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