If it's just a crush then why can't we let it go?

[hecallsmepumpkin]

I am almost ashamed to say that I am the other lady...

 

The Low Down:

I met an amazing guy at work. He's extremely intelligent and just an all around sweet guy. When I started my job a few months back, I had just recently broken it off with my (then) boyfriend of 3 years. He had been going through some rough patches with his gf for awhile. He is 25 and she is 29. He lives on his own but is not ready for her to move in with him yet she pressures him on a daily basis to get married. They've been dating for 5 years. They started dating when he was 20 and she was 24... and previous to that (for the sake of privacy let's call him Jon), Jon had been going to an all boy's catholic school. So when he met her at 19-20 when he was entering college she had already been in a serious relationship.

 

So at the beginning of our purely professional relationship we had just talked during work and got aqaunted that way. But the flirtation had started right before Christmas.

 

We had a meeting to go to in downtown so we were both booked to see these clients so we go and after our meeting we decided to walk down the strip. He had expressed that he didn't know what to get for his gf and I jokingly replied "Ha! this year I do not have to buy anything for anyone" and he replied "lucky! I wish I was in that boat!" then I laughed it off saying "well if you were then you'd have no girlfriend" and he just replied "and your point being?". This was the first time of hearing that they may have had a rocky relationship.

 

So after the meeting while we were walking on the strip we walked into a store and I had chosen a few things that I liked and he said he might as well get his gf something now anyway. He had asked me to pick out something and he basically purchased what I thought was in good taste.

 

Fast forward to company christmas party:

So this is the first time I have met his girlfriend. Before she had gotten there (this is when the flirting had started) we were sitting back to back and he was pulling my hair and blowing at my face. It was in a cute, almost childish-like humor. He had stopped when she got there. We started to eat and afterwards he finally had introduced me to her. The first thing that comes out of her mouth was, "Did Jon buy me my Christmas Present, Anna?" and I respond with a smile (thinking she was joking) "well I guess you'll have to wait for christmas to find out!" she gave me a very mean stare and just turned around and continued to eat.

 

So later on that night we had moved around and mingled and I was talking to another female co-worker of mine and she was asking myself as well as our office administrator (who is like our office mommy) about her ex and how he cheated on her with her bestfriend. We were both trying to give her some good advice about how she's young and she can still choose the type of men she chooses and that at least she knows what qualities she likes now rather than later. Jon's Girlfriend (lets call her Shelly) rudely interupted us by saying the following rant:

 

"Yes you are young. You are able to look at your past experience and say what you're willing to put up with and what you're actually wanting in a relationship. See for me, I had previous relationships, Jon - not so much... so now I feel as though I am going through the teeth pulling and his ego is just getting bigger and bigger etc" and she kept going on and basically grilling him in front of ALL his co-workers. I thought it was definitely immature since she was pretty much embarressing him in front of all his professional colleagues.

 

So after that party she had added me onto Facebook and had told me after Christmas how much she loved the gifts - I said that it wasn't my doing at all and that Jon should get all the credit.

 

So this was when I first getting the sense that she may have been jealous of my relationship with Jon which was insane because at that point we were still just professional friends. But I think that is when it all broke loose.

 

The next couple of weeks we had talked during work a lot and just got to know each other. This was still back in December early January. So the last month or so we had gotten extremely close. Probably around January 1st is when we started to get extremely close. We have gone to lunch everyday together, whenever we have client meetings we team up and go together, we have a routine that every morning I ring him on his mobile and he joins me for coffee at the cafe across the street.

 

A few weeks ago a colleague of ours had left the company and we decided to go for drinks to celebrate his new journey. Jon, out of all the tables, chooses to sit by me. So we're there for a few hours and we're wining and dining and a few hours later Jon's gf Shelly shows up. She looks over across the table from us and decides to sit. Jon hardly acknoweldged her at all. My colleague on the other side of him moved over to offer her a seat beside Jon and she said no (in the way hoping Jon would tell her to come over) and Jon didn't make a move. So she sat there the rest of the night while Jon and I held a very intillectual conversation. I later found out that she wasn't even invited to the outing and that they were having issues and she just showed up. While we were paying our bills she stormed out of the restaurant so I assumed they had left. But he came back into the restaurant and although there were still a lot of us around he came in to give me a hug goodbye and no one else and just walked out waving to us.

 

The thing that changed it all was in January he had added me onto MSN and we had been talking - nothing "flirtatious" until recently.

 

He had started to call me pet names such as "Princess, Buttercup, Pumpkin etc" and we have now started to flirt. I would say it is measurable to almost cute, puppylove-type flirting. A couple of things he does that is really sweet and flirtatious at times. You can tell me whether I am looking too deep into it or if he's actually giving me some signals.

 

• If he knows I am having a stressful day at work he buys me and only me coffee or tea without having to be asked.
  
• When we go on meetings he is always holding my portfolio for me.
  
• He opens the car door for me
  
• When we go for lunch he is always very engaging with our conversations and in his eys.
  
• When we go for our morning coffee, I usually meet him downstairs since he's usually there earlier than me. He has the choice of bringing down 2 umbrella's if it's raining but always brings one to share.
  
• We eat lunch every day together
  
• He passes little notes when he's around my desk with little "pick-me-up" quotes.
  
• We park in the same parkade but our reserved parking spots are quite far from one another and today he had left his business card on my windshield with a smily face written on the back.

There's just plenty of things that he does that normal "friends" do not do.

 

So this past weekend he had sent me a text message asking me why I had left the office so early on Friday. I said I had prior engagements and had to be there really quick after work and he said that's a shame because we all went for drinks. And I said too bad, but I am in his area (a mall by his house) and after a few texts back and forth we decided to go for dinner. After dinner he had asked so what now? and I didn't think we'd hang out after but he wanted to so I said I wanted to drop my car off so we drove about 15 miles to my house to drop off my car and he drop further west to go to another bowling place (we decided to do something fun). It was all booked so he drove another 15 minute downtown - circled the area for about 45 minutes to find parking thinking we should probably go for a movie. We finally found parking and when we got there all the movies had started. So we walked into a coffee shop and I was on the phone and he tried to get my attention but i didnt notice so when i turned around i had a coffee ready for me. I smiled and accepted politely thinking "dang, in the afternoons I dont drink coffee's, I only have tea" but it was a nice gesture. So I took a sip and it was tea and he looked at me and said I notice when we go for afternoon coffee, you actually get tea.

 

So after that we drove a half hour to the other end of the city to go to another bowling place and we had spend a good 2 hours there playing 3 rounds of bowling and just having a blast. We were out till 1.

 

So the other day we were talking on MSN and he had said that some girl is being quite odd on his msn? and I said why and he basically copied and paste a part of the conversation to me. And basically he believed it was Shelly just "spying" on him. I couldn't believe it! I said she's 29 and she still has to play those types of mind games? and he said yeah it's crazy but she does it all the time.

 

So the jist of the convo was basically this random girl asking him whether or not he had a gf. He said I don't know. Then she kept saying, c'mon you can tell me, where he replied "if you must know... yes". And then she got into asking about details about when where etc and he just pushed it by saying let's go for coffee and I'll tell you all about it (all the while he knew that it was her - because of the way she types and talks) and she just got furious saying that no, she would not go for coffee with him and if she was his gf that she'd beat his as* until he's in the ER because that is like cheating. Then this is when it get's weird. She basically said "I do not know who you and your girl is so I don't want to get in between her. I don't want to get in between you and Rachel." Jon said "Who is Rachel" the random girl said "Fine you and Anne(stacia)!" which is my name and (in long, my name isn't very common). Right after that she had gotten offline.

 

He had told me as though he was not phased at all. He knew that she is completely bonkers but for some reason did not deny the fact that maybe he is being quite noticable in the way he takes notice of me.

 

I don't know, there is a lot of flirting going on, and he wants to have a good chat on Thursday (vday).

 

I know I am over stepping my grounds here and I DO NOT want to be the other woman... I just can't shake it...

 

 

*wow I'm sorry this is soooo long!*

[whichwayisup]

What is it that you are looking for out of your friendship with him? Because from what you've said, you two are abit too close for comfort and obviously his girlfriend has picked up on it. She has every right to feel jealous because he is focussing on you more than he is on her...

 

If they are having problems, they need to sort it out. Having you in the picture is only going to make him do nothing...He will continue to let the friendship with you blossom, possibly allowing something to happen, lines will be crossed - Hense then comes the affair...

 

If I were you, I'd think about cancelling on Thursday. It's pretty crappy of him to be lusting after someone else on that day seeing as he has a girlfriend. Just think if you had a boyfriend and he was doing that to you. Not very nice at all.

 

He isn't handling their relationship well. If he is unhappy, he needs to end it and THEN pursue you - Not flirt and see what happens beforehand.

 

The choice is yours - I see alot of drama and heartache, some fighting going on if you stick around. This guy HAS a girlfriend, you're well aware of that, even if you don't like her, it doesn't mean you have to get close to her boyfriend. I'd back off and tell him you're not interested in anything at all, stop the flirting and distance yourself from him for a while.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If it's just a crush then why can't we let it go?

 

Because letting go of a person is the easy part. Letting go of the unrealistic dreams, hopes, expectations, wishful thinking and fantasy you have built up in your heart and mind over this person are not so easy to let go of. You are in love with an intangible: what you think this man can be for you, rather than who he really is. We always yearn for the ideal, particularly as long as it remains just out of reach. Human nature I guess.

[LadyDi]

Nobody is married yet, or even living together. Sounds like he really likes you, see where it goes if you like him too. Sounds like the current GF will self distruct soon.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

I thought it was definitely immature since she was pretty much embarressing him in front of all his professional colleagues.

LOL...and he HASN'T been embarrassing HER - and acting immature - by pulling your hair and blowing in your face like some dumb-ass 10 year old boy until his girlfriend got there and he had to behave?

 

The guy's 25 years old, he's still a freakin' baby. He'll go through alot of girlfriends before he finally matures enough to be able to do the WORK involved in being in a committed relationship. Right now he's acting like a lying little sneak and nothing more.

 

So this was when I first getting the sense that she may have been jealous of my relationship with Jon which was insane because at that point we were still just professional friends.

Wow..what a hypocritical statement. "Professional" friends don't pull each other's hair and flirt with each other, and generally act like dumb-asses. No, they really don't.

 

...and a few hours later Jon's gf Shelly shows up. She looks over across the table from us and decides to sit. Jon hardly acknoweldged her at all.

Well isn't HE quite the prince? He's done nothing but disrespect his girlfriend with you from day one - wow, I can see why you're so attracted to him. And it all boils down to him not being MAN enough to end the relationship that he CLAIMS is OH SO UNHAPPY for him. What a coward - complains about how unhappy he is, yet he doesn't have the 'nads to step up to the plate and end it.

 

I know I am over stepping my grounds here and I DO NOT want to be the other woman... I just can't shake it...

Wow, you lucky lucky girl, you. You get to continue helping Peter Pan gaslight his girlfriend by lying and deceiving right along with him. Won't it be nice at future work gatherings when you'll get to lie right to her face - like he's been doing - and claim you're only friends?? Since the little wuss refuses to step up to the plate like a MAN and deal with his REAL relationship, his little fantasy relationship with you will continue on. I have to say it again - you lucky, lucky girl. Edited February 13, 2008 by ICallsEmAsISeesEm