melusine71 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I am driving myself crazy. He left me, we are separated and will be divorced. I KNOW with my mind that he is totally unfit. I KNOW with my mind that I do not want someone capable of being as selfish, childish and cruel as he in my life. I know these things. But I still do not want to let him go. I still think about him all the time and let him have so much control over me. It is torture. I am between jobs, have health issues & am having surgery in a couple of weeks. We have two small kids, married for almost 10 years-- he's left me to take on all the responsibility for the kids, and he's living like a single person-- going out, etc. He's cheated on me before. Seven months (too long for me to still be all freaked out?) ago I discovered he'd been doing it again. He said, "Mid life crisis" and "Nervous breakdown" and too much stress and he deserves to be happy and "I love her..." and she came on to him first and blah blah blah. She broke up with him almost as soon as I moved out. yes, I moved out. why!!?? did I move out!!? He was being such an ahole, screaming at me in front of the kids. He calmly loaded the car for me. There are so many things that he has done to me in the last year that have just... shattered me. I cannot forget them. It's like I want revenge so much, I want to hurt him. I want to get him back just so I can f*ck him over. I just want all of this humilation not to have happened to me!!!! When he went home he came back full of all these loving feelings for me. this was three weeks ago and I missed him so much and I threw my self at him. And he of course rejected me at first but then after I said, You know, you're right, this is a terrible idea and all of this, the way we are doing this sucks and we must stop it...." After I said those things to him he started kissing me and we had sex. But something has been different for a long time. I threw him out the day after Thanksgiving when he came to visit. I almost did not let him come for Christmas. I am so mean to him and at the very least hot and cold. Shortly afterward i found out that I am one of three women, and prolly last on the list. And this after everyting I have given to him, after everything I have forgiven him for, after how much I changed for him. Sometimes I feel like one of those idiot savants or something because I create situations without being fully concious of what I'm doing that get the results I know are correct. I know he needs to GO. And I am ruining it, ruining any chance we might have to even be friends. Do any of you believe in a love addiction? I mean, it just sounds so ludicrous to me but I know that if he showed up right now and just showed me the smallest kindness I would have him in my bed in a heartbeat. I can't stop thinking about the way he kisses me. No contact is so hard when you have kids. And I need him to come here and look after them while I recuperate. it's like, I still find myself in this dependent state. I'm sorry, I know this is long and confusing but I really do need some help. I want to be more in control of my emotions and STOP this. I do dumb things like check up on the woman I suspect is practically living with him. She is NOTHING special, just I guess, not me. Not the one he wants either. Valentine's Day last year was so great... one of the last times we were truly together. I'm just venting but if anyone has any advice about how to get a grip, I would really appreciate it. After I found out how he's been toying with me, I have completely stopped talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I haven't let him come here, blocked his calls, put his emails on the junk list, deleted him from messenger. I just wish he would drop off the face of the Earth, it's like every moment he is out theree, choosing someone else over me, i feel rejected. i am still waiting for my life to start and he has moved on, doesn't think about me, doesn't care. He says I make him feel so guilty and he hates it. He hates me.
CalamitousJane Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Ah Melusine, that sounds totally wretched. I feel awful for you. It might not help very much, but I can tell you that for sure that he's suffering in some way we don't understand. Happy, loving, well adjusted people don't act that way. He's not a fit partner for anyone right now. These other women won't wind up any better off than you are right now. At least you have a head start on them in your recovery. My baby-daddy cheated and lied like crazy. He was confused and out of control, and I got very caught up in his insanity. I remember it well. I especially remember the how strong the feeling was that I could do something to change him. I was truly obsessed. Partly because I had gotten myself so attached to him, but also because I was so caught up in the games and the lies, and in trying to figure out what was true and what was a story. Now it's nearly a decade and a half later, and he's still largely confused and out of control when it comes to relationships. I'm sorry for all the girlfriends he's had in the past. I'm holding out hope that he's finally learning to be honest and decent with the current one. When I was in the middle of being all entangled with him someone gave me the book "Codependent No More" and I read it over and over, until I had fully internalized the idea that it was his problem, not mine. The best part is that I've never been with a cheater since. The tiniest hint of dishonesty sends me running for the hills now, and that's a good thing. You WILL get through this. My thoughts are with you.
Author melusine71 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 I don't know why but now I'm crying. I just want to be free of all this so much. and like I said, I still have to deal with him all the time and he has really been stringing me along and will NOT have any mercy on me. When he started coming back around I said WHAT are you DOING to me? Please see reason... I been through enough-- the kids have been through enough. PLEASE don't rock the boat and he lied and lied and lied. And the whole time he was silent enough and let me talk myself into having anything to do with him again. Because he knows that I still love him, he knows I'm still his fool. You are the second person who has mentioned that I might be codependent. I think I'll have to read up on it. It helps just knowing there are other people out there who have been through the same thing. I hope that he suffers and is full of regret one day but I'm not holding my breath. Thanks for your kind words.
CalamitousJane Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 When you're in love with someone who has a problem it's very normal to become codependent. You want the person to change - the problem doesn't make sense to you, and you want it to go away so you can have a happy, normal life with the person you are so devoted to. It doesn't matter what the problem is - drinking, drugs, gambling, womanizing, or lying. You feel like if you could just talk the person out of it, or somehow prevent him from doing it anymore everything would be ok. The problem is that this never works. The demons belong to the other person, not you, and that person needs to choose to work on it or not work it according to his own conscience. He knows what he is doing is wrong and harmful, but when you try to "help" him or even "understand" him, you take part of the responsibility for the problem away from him. The trickiest part is letting go in a loving, caring way. You need to separate from him enough so that he becomes like any friend with a serious problem. You need to eventually be able to be kind and loving toward him, without any hope or expectation that he'll ever change. The codependence books help immensely in understanding how to do this. This is especially important when there are kids involved. My ex still struggles with telling the truth - he is inclined to lie about even small things in order to avoid momentary difficulty. He is the father of my daughter, and one of my most important tasks has been to help her understand that his behavior is not about her, She needs to know he loves her as well as he can, and that his struggle with the truth is his own struggle, nothing she can fix. She wants to "make him stop lying", but she can't, just like I couldn't. All she or I can do is be honest with him, tell him gently when he hurts or disappoints her, and just trust that he's doing the best he can with his own demons. Keep in mind that him promising that he's changed doesn't mean a thing right now. Truly exorcising a deep demon like a cheating and lying habit takes serious introspection and hard work. If he has done this work you will know because he will be able to talk about his insights and he will understand how deeply he's hurt you and not expect you to take him back without proof of an ongoing commitment to honesty on his part. You are still in the early phases of this, but it WILL get better, I promise.
Author melusine71 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 I understand what you mean about grasping that this is some kind of illness on his part. Ok. If someone accidentally runs over your foot it still hurts like hell. You know? I tried SO hard for him, we did see a marriage counselor for years. I did come to terms with some of my own self destructive tendancies, have resolved or at least become so much more moderate about things. Maybe this is also due to having kids. Children tend to mellow one out. I guess I just have a hard time seeing this as some kind of destructive compulsion. Come to think of it though, that's what my therapist said too. She said it was a self destructive tendancy to bomb interpersonally, like someone who habitually gets fired only his problem is interpersonal. I guess with codendency, the little I do know about it , it has so much to do with enabling someone. I never did have and don't have the desire to "fix" him. It's more like a desire to wring his fu*king neck! I just want him to be a fu*king decent human being. Be what he signed up for, a Dad, a husband. I am really shocked about what you said about understanding someone who is sick like he is. He told me not long ago that I was the only person in the whole world who understood him. that there would never be anyone else like me. This made me feel icky for some reason and I think that's why. My understanding why he does what he does excuses it for him somehow. Right now, letting go in a loving caring way seems really... impossible. If I use this rage and hurt that I have to sever ties with him, and like I said, run hot and cold and basically just jerk him around too, I WILL get rid of him-- but it will not be pleasant. Neither one of us believes a word the other says right now. If I came out with, "I hope you get help yadda yadda yadda... he'd be very skeptical. He just thinks it's more of the same, that I never accepted him for what he is. I STRONGLY suggested he get on antidepressants, I strongly suggested he seek therapy... so he did for a while. he will never change. I fear my kids will just come to see him for the loser he is one day. I think my compassion for him has dried up with my hope. Besides, he doesn't even try anymore. The whole "he's changed for good" thing happened a long time ago when I forgave him the first time. And now this. He's run off to fantasyland with his demons -so to speak- and they look like dorky sluts and are good at fellatio. I'm checking out amazon right now for some books. How To Get a Divorce Without Ruining Your Life is one someone recommended, and the Dinsosaurs Divorce and I'll get Codependent No More, too. Still crying!!!
joeapa Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I think the most important thing and the hardest thing to do is to be patient with yourself and let emotions come and go
saddad1 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I feel for u mel It sounds to me that u already have a lot of this worked out mentally; u say "he knows im his fool" and that "he'll never change". Now u jst have to try and make ur heart truely accept wot u already know, this man is no good for u and never will b. It sounds like u have tried everything possible to help him; unfortunately there is only so much u can do then its up to that person to help themselves which he hasnt. Dont b his fool ever again n dont let him into ur heart, head (and definately not ur bed!!!).
Author melusine71 Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Thanks for your reply and I think you're right. I have a lot of support and LS is a great place to come. I do know what I think about him. I thought today, when I met him, he was so wonderful. He was kind and I thought so earnest-- even naive. This might be too much info but we were so young when we met, I lived next door to this club and my apartment usd to thump with house music every weekend night. We made love the first time to rave music. (If you knew me, you would know how absolutely hilarious that is) but it faded away, and it was so special and so tender. I knew, right that moment that he was the one. I don't know if I will ever be innocent enough to feel that way again. And he, he shook in my arms. That's the kind of stuff I remember that makes me just... so full of sadness and regret. I feel like I ruined him or something, like the stress and pressure of our life together took all those great things about him away. he isn't like that anymore. He is jaded and a liar and mean. I think about this chick who has him now and I wonder what the hell she's thinking. She KNOWS he's a cheater, she knows he walked out on two small kids and she knows that he is really in love with someone who won't have anything to do with him but she's still scurrying around after him. I would NEVER choose to be involved with someone like that. NEVER. I don't think I could even date someone who was merely seperated. What is wrong with people? Why would you throw it all away and go for something so beneath you? Maybe my standards are too high. I feel better every day though. I feel like going dark has really helped me to get some perspective. I do want to see him suffer for what he did to me and these amazing kids of ours but like CJ said, I think maybe he is. And that makes me sad. People like us, who can really love somone will always come out ok in the end. thanks for your insight and Happy Valentine's Day.
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