BlueHaiku Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Another post got me thinking about break ups and mutual friends. When my ex-husband and I split up, our split was in some ways pretty ugly - my ex really handled it badly (after 15 yrs together, no explanation, no previous discussion of displeasure in the relationship, he dumped me and in the same sentence refused to seek counseling or work on it in any way, furthermore he did this late at night immediately after I had streteched, yawned, and said I was heading to bed on the night before Valentine's day). Well, after all this went down, some mutual friends of ours decided to remain friends with both of us. As upset as I was over his treatment, I also understood their not wanting to take sides, and don't blame them. *However,* they did one thing that I find extremely frustrating. They invite us both to their parties. Now the first time, I understand. I told them the essence of what happened (they had in fact been extremely empathetic and supportive of me when it happened) but I am not the type to whine and complain and gripe about it, so maybe they don't entirely know how painful this is for me. So I politely write them and say that I am really very hurt by the split, and though I would otherwise love to attend their party, I must unfortunately turn down their offer because I don't want to show up if there is a chance he will show up too. They write back and say they understand and are sorry it's so painful for me. Then it happens again - they invite us both to another party. Again I write them a polite letter declining their invitation and explaining why. Again they write back that they understand. The third time, and all subsequent times, I decline their invitation with no explanation. Look, I'm trying to be understanding here. I don't want to make them choose between him and me - that's not what a good friend and healthy person does. However, it seems to me that they could easily solve this problem by inviting me to one party and him to the next. They are generally pretty thoughtful and polite people, so it seems to me they would have thought of this? I don't know. I have wondered if they are giving me the brush off, but I don't think so. Still, it troubles me. I don't think of them as thoughtless people. So I'm wondering: is this an unrealistic expectation of *me* that they might invite me and not my ex occasionally? What do you all think?
D-Lish Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I don't think it's an unrealistic expectation at all. I understand they are trying to remain neutral... but you are right- it would be easy to invite one to one party and another to the next. Have you thought about suggesting this? I was lucky- I came into my marriage with my own friend group that rallied around me after my divorce. We did not keep any mutual friends....that made it so much easier! Might I suggest trying to make some new friends that don't know your ex? I am not sure how important this circle of friends is to you- but it doesn't sound as if they are being supportive.... not that they don't want to be, just that by remaining so neutral, they really can't be a healthy source of support for you. I would suggest going outside this circle of friends and making some new ones. It must also be hard to interact with these people knowing they socialize with your ex.... I am sure that is awkward for you. It's a constant reminder of your ex as well. I truly do think it would be healthy to do some distancing from them by seeking out other social groups that don't know your ex.
sandflea Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) I Know this situation, and frankly, it sucks. They're trying to demostratte that they're being non-judgemental - and fair to both of you. I think you should reach out to them, if you still want them as friends, and tell them what you posted here. Your friends really care about you, and they're probably really trying to keep both you and your ex as friends. Maybe - if you can - try to meet them half way. Like you say, swap parties, or coordinate things. Sooner or later, if you both intend to keep the same friends, you have to interact - and hopefully laugh it off. I know it's a biatch - but once you do, you'll feel better. Sadly, sometimes old friends go by the board. SF Edited February 13, 2008 by sandflea
onmyownagain Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I have a mutual friend who is really good friends with my wife and also works with her. He doesn't have my new phone number and told another friend he is very dissapointed that I haven't contacted him and wanted me to give him a call last night. The trouble is, he socialises with my stbxw after work etc. in a big group so is likely to know if she is seeing someone now, or at least will when she does. Plus, will want to socialise with me and will see what I am up to and would possibly tell her how I am feeling etc. I didn't phone him, not sure what to do really.
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