Jilly Bean Posted February 20, 2008 Posted February 20, 2008 at least he is asking you out on weekends! But he doesn't ask her out on weekends. He booty calls her at the last minute, goes over to her house, has sex with her and leaves. I don't know how you can encourage a fellow sister to stay open to someone like this or even entertain the thought of keeping this in her life. I really don't think its going to morph into a proper dating situation, Annie. Guys like this *may* take you out if you prod him or pout about why he isn't taking you out on proper dates, but only because he realizes he has to take you to TGIF's before he gets his booty. If you really want to test his intentions, dont make yourself so available to him. Dont allow him to treat you like a booty call. Set some boundaries. If you want to date him, then set the expectation. But I really think this is a lot of effort and energy. Like I always say, never make someone a priority who is making you their option. I am more than sure he doesnt give this a second thought, until his loins start stirring and he booty calls you. Dont you think youre worth more than that? Because until you do, no one else will...
Audg1964 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Sorry for posting about this same guy but I think I'm pretty sure now that he's already done with me, and I would really appreciate thoughts on this. History: Known him through mutual friends at the gym, for about 4 mos. Never really talked all that much before because he was married. He's now divorced. We hung out for the very first time a week and a half ago. Since then we've hung out 3 times, twice being at my place, the 3rd time, just this past weekend at his brothers, met 2 of them and their wives. We are yet to go on a "real date" and I really do like the guy and suggested dinner during the week last week. He said it sounded good, told me to call him later on that night, only to cancel because he was sick. I give him that because he really was getting over a cough/cold. Since then, we've seen each other at the gym and talk but so far this week, he hasn't called or mentioned going out at all. I'm thinking it's official that he's decided he doesn't want to pursue anything. Am I right? I know it's only been a week and a half but the way I see it is, if someone's interested in getting to know you more, they will put forth the effort into going out on a date. I would think that by now he would've suggested something. That's all I needed to read, "call me, but then cancelled cuz he's sick...drop him like a hot potatoe!
Audg1964 Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 That's all I needed to read, "call me, but then cancelled cuz he's sick...drop him like a hot potatoe! Yes, you're right...
Author annie77 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 If you really want to test his intentions, dont make yourself so available to him. Dont allow him to treat you like a booty call. Set some boundaries. If you want to date him, then set the expectation. How do I set boundaries exactly? Just if he calls, then ask him to go out instead of coming over? How do I "set the expectation"? That's all I needed to read, "call me, but then cancelled cuz he's sick...drop him like a hot potatoe! He really was sick that day though. At the gym he was sniffling and coughing, he actually left early because he wasn't feeling well but he still told me to give him a call, but apparently his workout made him feel worse so he just stayed home and relaxed because he had to wake up early for work the next day.
D-Lish Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 You set the boundaries by not making yourself readily available. I would also stop asking him/inviting him anywhere. Let him do the asking. SO- no more invites, and if he wants to see you on the weekend, he needs to make plans in advance. That is just common respect!
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Guys like this *may* take you out if you prod him or pout about why he isn't taking you out on proper dates, but only because he realizes he has to take you to TGIF's before he gets his booty. How true is that? Annie - you set expectations by making him plan in advance to see you, and perhaps even spend time with him on dates where he doesn't actually get laid at the end of the night.
Author annie77 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 Well in the 2 1/2 weeks we've been talking and hanging out, I've invited him *out* to dinner twice. That first time was when he was sick, and the second time was when he had just ate dinner so he declined both times, and those were in the middle of the week. Do I need to ask him on a weekend IF he calls me ever again? Not sure I'll ever get a phone call from him again, but if he does call, should I suggest one more time that we actually go out to grab food or something, besides him coming over?
norajane Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Well in the 2 1/2 weeks we've been talking and hanging out, I've invited him *out* to dinner twice. That first time was when he was sick, and the second time was when he had just ate dinner so he declined both times, and those were in the middle of the week. Do I need to ask him on a weekend IF he calls me ever again? Not sure I'll ever get a phone call from him again, but if he does call, should I suggest one more time that we actually go out to grab food or something, besides him coming over? No, see, YOU don't need be asking HIM to do anything. HE needs to be inviting YOU out. If he doesn't, you say, "hey thanks for calling, I need to run. See you at the gym." You should NOT ask him out again.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Guys like this are the worst. They are f******* emotionally unavailable, and they don't give a s*** about you but they play with your head by dragging you down with them. You really should just forget him.
Author annie77 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Posted February 21, 2008 I wish it was that easy just to forget about him, but I've mentioned before that this is the first guy that I've genuinely expressed interest in since my breakup with my ex over 1 1/2 years ago. So this just sucks. Plus seeing him at the gym 2-3 times a week doesn't help much either. He seemed really cool up until last weekend. Don't know why he's acting like such a dick.
Star Gazer Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 No, see, YOU don't need be asking HIM to do anything. HE needs to be inviting YOU out. If he doesn't, you say, "hey thanks for calling, I need to run. See you at the gym." You should NOT ask him out again. I agree 100%. HE needs to do ALL the asking and put in the effort in from this point forward. I know it's hard to forget about someone - you can't just flip a switch, but you can take baby steps. I've been in similar shoes before (dating a trainer at my gym), and I honestly had to go at different times, and ultimately change gyms, until I was comfortable around him. Perhaps you should do the same. I have a feeling you're intentionally going to the gym right now hoping to run into him.
Jilly Bean Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Annie - 2 things... I think the big thing to really acknowledge here is that the key to a successful union involves both parties wanting the same things. This guy doesn't want a relationship with ANYONE. Its not about you, and what you might lack, its about him not wanting anything more than what he has right now with you and the simple fact that you are both not in the same place. He is freshly divorced and just not looking for anything more than really casual. It's very easy to read from your postings that even though you say you are cool with casual, you dont mean it. Otherwise you wouldnt be so wrapped up in this. I think it bears examining on your own part to figure out what you are fixating on someone who is so unavailable to you. Is it because its safe and you know you cant be hurt? I mean, I think we can all agree that you are pushing a rock up hill with this guy. If I were you, I would look at the deeper pathology behind you pursuing someone who's not interested in the same thing as you. THAT is where your real lessons will come from. I still think for your own mental health and emotional growth, that you put him out of your life. I don't see how he brings you any enhancement. Separately, as the other ladies extrapolated on the "boundaries" thing, do not have him over AT ALL. And do not accept any invitations from him at the last minute. All that is doing is reinforcing his bad behavior of booty calling you. DO NOT invite him out at all, either.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 21, 2008 Posted February 21, 2008 Annie - 2 things... I think the big thing to really acknowledge here is that the key to a successful union involves both parties wanting the same things. This guy doesn't want a relationship with ANYONE. Its not about you, and what you might lack, its about him not wanting anything more than what he has right now with you and the simple fact that you are both not in the same place. He is freshly divorced and just not looking for anything more than really casual. It's very easy to read from your postings that even though you say you are cool with casual, you dont mean it. Otherwise you wouldnt be so wrapped up in this. I think it bears examining on your own part to figure out what you are fixating on someone who is so unavailable to you. Is it because its safe and you know you cant be hurt? I mean, I think we can all agree that you are pushing a rock up hill with this guy. If I were you, I would look at the deeper pathology behind you pursuing someone who's not interested in the same thing as you. THAT is where your real lessons will come from. I still think for your own mental health and emotional growth, that you put him out of your life. I don't see how he brings you any enhancement. Jilly Bean is right. You're placing yourself in a position where if you continue to pursue it, you're gonna be more physically and emotionally crippled. I suggest you watch Fatal Attractions. It's a lesson to learn by. Not by Glenn Close's obsessiveness but by the fact that her obsession eventually drove her to her death.
Author annie77 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Thanks Jilly Bean. Everything makes perfect sense and I'm not sure what it is about him that interested me. I think it's the fact that we know the same people at the gym, that's how I got to know him, and when I first met him he was still married. I was attracted to him back then. Months passed, I didn't see him for a while, then all of a sudden he comes back without a wedding ring, and very friendly. He told me how he had gotten divorced. I guess after that, I knew he wasn't married so I was stupid and jumped the gun on that one, so that was my mistake to begin with. Someone who I was so attracted to, but was taken, had now become "not taken". I should've known that the fact that he's not taken doesn't mean that he's available because clearly he's not. I saw him today and passed by him, trying not to say anything, but saw from the corner of my eye that he was turned towards me, watching me walk away. But as I was leaving I did say bye to him. Kept it short and sweet. He asked me how my day was, complimented me, all smiles and still flirtatious but I knew in the back of my mind that it was fake. And he didn't mention anything for the weekend so I assume that he either doesn't plan on seeing me at all, or he'll call last minute but if that's the case I will not accept. He's taken me out once, and that was the first night, after watching the event on PPV, we went out to eat. But that was the last time. And 3 weeks without taking me out... No more.
Jilly Bean Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Good girl. And when you feel weak - go back and read your last post. I think those words written to yourself will have more power than anything from anyone else...
D-Lish Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Good for you. Standing up for yourself is the best way to go. Find another cutie at the gym to flirt with. You're right- he is obviously conflicted following the divorce, and probably not ready to get involved in anything serious. You, on the other hand want to settle down and have a relationship.... As much as you'd like it to, this relationship can't work at this point in time. If he calls this weekend.... YOU'RE BUSY!
Author annie77 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Posted February 22, 2008 Well I don't think I even have to worry about that. I'm willing to bet money he isn't even going to call this weekend. He got what he wanted for a couple weeks, he's done with it.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Well I don't think I even have to worry about that. I'm willing to bet money he isn't even going to call this weekend. He got what he wanted for a couple weeks, he's done with it. Annie hunny, that's why this weekend you're gonna put on the prettiest dress you have, to go with those 5 inch high stilettoes, and stut yourself down that street to the fanciest club/restaurant there is and order yourself a virgin margarita. Nothing like the presence of a woman out on a Saturday night exuding confidence.
D-Lish Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Well I don't think I even have to worry about that. I'm willing to bet money he isn't even going to call this weekend. He got what he wanted for a couple weeks, he's done with it. Don't be so sure he won't call. If he does- simply say you have other plans, or don't even bother picking up and when you next see him at the gym act friendly but indifferent- like you have other things on your mind or have a hot date to get to. I dated this guy from my gym and he was hot and cold with me. I started acting indifferent to him... I would even make a point of checking my watch a lot when he knew I was looking at me to give him the impression I had someplace I had to be. I remember leaving the gym and just giving him a friendly wave and then I checked my watch and picked up my pace like I had a hot date. Not only did he chase me outside in his shorts (in winter) to ask me why I didn't say hello.... but he started calling me on a regular basis. The more indifferent I became, the more he chased. It's not a fun game, but it worked. Funny thing is that after me wanting him for so long and him being hot and cold...as soon as I started pulling away and he began chasing me- I decided I didn't like him anymore. Indifference goes a long way when someone is sitting on the fence about you. He knows you are available to him when he wants you to be right now. As soon as you show him that isn't the case anymore- he'll wonder if he's losing his mojo and want to find out why. It's a silly psychological game....But trust me, if you pull away, it will make him wonder why.
Jilly Bean Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 While what D has said is all good and true - that some guys merely like the game and the chase, I dont think its worth your energy to even engage in that with him. Its still not going to yield the results you want. I am sure he will call. But, it will be like all the other times - last minute so he can come over for sex. Id ignore his calls completely. Clean break.
AriaIncognito Posted February 22, 2008 Posted February 22, 2008 Annie, Annie, Annie. I dont know whether to slap you or hug you or both. I understand where you are coming from. Having gone from a 4 year relationship, to 3 years single without a date, I know what it's like to think tha tyou're not going to find someone, so that when you do you fall hard and fast. It's easy to do. Try to realize this...whether or not he's interested in you, is NOT a reflection of your worth. You are worthy of love and will eventually again find love. It just doesn't always happen on the timeframe we want it. I've been single now for 9 months and I hate it too, but I'm trying my best to stay optimistic. There's little point in trying to force someone into fitting. Believe me, I did it for over a year with my most recent ex. I tried to make the relationship into something it was never destined to be, and believe me, it has been the HARDEST thing to let go of, so I totally understand your feelings here. Sometimes it's best if we hurt now, in order to feel better later.
Author annie77 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 Don't be so sure he won't call. If he does- simply say you have other plans, or don't even bother picking up and when you next see him at the gym act friendly but indifferent- like you have other things on your mind or have a hot date to get to. I dated this guy from my gym and he was hot and cold with me. I started acting indifferent to him... I would even make a point of checking my watch a lot when he knew I was looking at me to give him the impression I had someplace I had to be. I remember leaving the gym and just giving him a friendly wave and then I checked my watch and picked up my pace like I had a hot date. Not only did he chase me outside in his shorts (in winter) to ask me why I didn't say hello.... but he started calling me on a regular basis. The more indifferent I became, the more he chased. It's not a fun game, but it worked. Funny thing is that after me wanting him for so long and him being hot and cold...as soon as I started pulling away and he began chasing me- I decided I didn't like him anymore. Indifference goes a long way when someone is sitting on the fence about you. He knows you are available to him when he wants you to be right now. As soon as you show him that isn't the case anymore- he'll wonder if he's losing his mojo and want to find out why. It's a silly psychological game....But trust me, if you pull away, it will make him wonder why. That's exactly what I'm doing. for the past 2 weeks I would at least call him in the middle of the week to see what he was up to, if he'd like to grab dinner. But this week I didn't call at all. The last time we talked on the phone was last Friday and this is when he called me. I will take your advice and not answer my phone if he does end up calling this weekend. Or just answer, play cool and tell him politely that I have plans. While what D has said is all good and true - that some guys merely like the game and the chase, I dont think its worth your energy to even engage in that with him. Its still not going to yield the results you want. I am sure he will call. But, it will be like all the other times - last minute so he can come over for sex. Id ignore his calls completely. Clean break. Will do Jilly Bean. I don't think it's worth it. I've already put so much effort that I now feel like a complete moron. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I understand where you are coming from. Having gone from a 4 year relationship, to 3 years single without a date, I know what it's like to think tha tyou're not going to find someone, so that when you do you fall hard and fast. It's easy to do. OMG this is exactly what happened. I guess I'm just deperately looking for love and I was soooo attracted to this guy that I fell hard for him so quickly and just had false hopes. I will remember this next time- if I ever meet someone, that is.
D-Lish Posted February 23, 2008 Posted February 23, 2008 Well, that's just it. You can either waste time and energy into playing into the chasing game with someone- or you can seek someone who is available and eager to spend time with you. I vote for the later. It's sad that the aloof game seems to work- but alas, it does. Just keep in mind that a divorce can really mess a guy/girl up. It takes a long time before they are ready to date seriously again. Don't take it personally.... but I think you have given him enough chances. Sounds like the timing is just off. That happens sometimes, and it's not a reflection of what a great gf you'll make to the right guy. He just doesn't sound as if he is right for you at the moment.
Author annie77 Posted February 23, 2008 Author Posted February 23, 2008 That's unfortunate, because I really did like the guy. Even if I did want to play that chasing game with him, I doubt it would even work. I haven't called him in over a week, and still yet to hear from him. It is Saturday however, so there's a possibility he could call later on tonight, but I highly doubt it. I'm just wondering, if it's divorce that's making him act like this, why would he be great at first, then change on me, just like that? I never smothered him, called him only once a week just to invite him out, and I didn't think that was bad. I just wish I knew why.
Author annie77 Posted February 24, 2008 Author Posted February 24, 2008 So I do have one more question and it's been bugging me... I know the last time he called was last Friday, although this is not unusual, as he calls only once a week anyways, on a weekend since he sees me 3x a week at the gym. Haven't heard from him, and I'm thinking this will be the 1st weekend we won't hang out so it's just done with. My question is do you think he is acting like this because of the divorce and the fact that his emotions could be all over the place and obviously not wanting a relationship, that the timing is just bad, or does it sound like there's more to it and that plain and simple, he's just not attracted to me anymore? I know he's not looking for a relationship so I can understand the fact that he doesn't want to get too close, but could it be that he was never attracted to me in the first place, that he just saw me as someone he could have sex with a few times and forget about? I just wanted to get your thoughts on this. Thanks!
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