He's already done with me, isn't he?

[Jilly Bean]

Annie - I dont know how many more ways this can be explained.

 

He thinks of you as only a booty call and nothing more. Will it change? Probably not. Does he have other booty calls? Id bet really good money on it.

 

I think its high time you check out of Denial Hotel, find your self-esteem and move on.

 

Remember - never make someone your priority when you are merely their option.

[Trialbyfire]

maybe it's all he wants right now, but in the future once he's more comfortable with me, there's a slight possibility, right?

Let it go annie. If that's the case, he knows where to find you. Don't place hope, where it might or might not exist.

 

Put distance between the two of you and if he misses you, he'll be in touch.

[annie77]

Let it go annie. If that's the case, he knows where to find you. Don't place hope, where it might or might not exist.

 

Put distance between the two of you and if he misses you, he'll be in touch.

 

It will be difficult, but I will take your advice. It was a huge mistake on my part too, that I jumped the gun with him, knowing that he just got divorced and all. I should've known... Can't really distance myself since I see him almost every day at the gym, but I won't initiate things anymore, just be cordial, and just give the guy some space. Thanks so much.

[annie77]

Ok so an update... he contacted me this past weekend (Saturday), and asked what I was up to and told him I really didn't have plans. He said he had nothing going either, just had his son for the weekend. We talked for a while but no plans had been set, although I could tell he was dropping hints that he really did want to hang out. I don't know what it is, but when I do ask to hang out, he usually says yes. Well the conversation ended with him saying "give me a call if anything changes". So a few hours later I went ahead and called him and asked him if he wanted to come over and hang out and have a few beers. He actually sounded excited and told me he would make a phone call to see if someone could baby sit his little boy. He called back in a bit and said he was on his way. We watched a bit of TV and talked, then we had sex. We laid there and just talked for a while then he put his clothes on and told me he "didn't want to keep me up", gave me a hug and left. I felt like total crap, because usually he's a little bit more affectionate. I guess this is to be expected, right? Is it just downhill from here? Should I actually talk to him about this?

[xpaperxcutx]

Ok so an update... he contacted me this past weekend (Saturday), and asked what I was up to and told him I really didn't have plans. He said he had nothing going either, just had his son for the weekend. We talked for a while but no plans had been set, although I could tell he was dropping hints that he really did want to hang out. I don't know what it is, but when I do ask to hang out, he usually says yes. Well the conversation ended with him saying "give me a call if anything changes". So a few hours later I went ahead and called him and asked him if he wanted to come over and hang out and have a few beers. He actually sounded excited and told me he would make a phone call to see if someone could baby sit his little boy. He called back in a bit and said he was on his way. We watched a bit of TV and talked, then we had sex. We laid there and just talked for a while then he put his clothes on and told me he "didn't want to keep me up", gave me a hug and left. I felt like total crap, because usually he's a little bit more affectionate. I guess this is to be expected, right? Is it just downhill from here? Should I actually talk to him about this?

 

 

Omg I can't believe you slept with him. I'm sorry to say this sweetie, but you've truly became his booty call. The fact that he left you after the sex is enough to say that that was all he was looking for in the first place.

[annie77]

I know And there's no way to change it is there? I mean, is there a possibility that with time, if he still continues to see me, that he'll somewhat warm up to me and see me in a different light?

[xpaperxcutx]

Oh sweetie for you I would say " yes, he would change and see you in a new light", but if only men were that simple. It's not. You have to stop looking into it as a blossoming relationship and try to pursue it because it will never happen. He has already lost all respect for you and whateve dignity you have left, I think it's best you stop seeing him. IF you had managed to live up till this point without him then I think you can move on. Because you deserve someone who will love you for you and treat you with the same respect and love you're willing to give, but for this guy, he'll only take and take, but never give in return.

[Star Gazer]

I know And there's no way to change it is there? I mean, is there a possibility that with time, if he still continues to see me, that he'll somewhat warm up to me and see me in a different light?

 

No. Once a guy places you in the bootycall category, it's nearly impossible to get out of it.

[Little Shy]

I don't know about all this...I have to say, that I know of several long standing, successful relationships (not mine) that started out with sex right out the gate, and appeared to be very much in bootie call territory at the beginning.

I personally wouldn't be sleeping with a guy under these circumstances, if I hoped to achieve a relationship out of the whole deal, but I have seen relationships grow from something that seemed rather "cheap" and convenient at the beginning.

Perhaps him leaving after sex was just his own defense system trying to create distance, separate from intimacy that he may not quite be ready for, after the recent divorce.

I don't think this is necessarily a lost cause.

You never know.

But I would stop calling him. Maybe if he feels that you CAN keep it casual too for a while, and you are busy with your own life, and not always available for him, he may warm up to the idea of trying to create & spend more time with you.

I wish good luck to you, as it does seem as if you really like him.

[annie77]

I don't know about all this...I have to say, that I know of several long standing, successful relationships (not mine) that started out with sex right out the gate, and appeared to be very much in bootie call territory at the beginning.

I personally wouldn't be sleeping with a guy under these circumstances, if I hoped to achieve a relationship out of the whole deal, but I have seen relationships grow from something that seemed rather "cheap" and convenient at the beginning.

Perhaps him leaving after sex was just his own defense system trying to create distance, separate from intimacy that he may not quite be ready for, after the recent divorce.

I don't think this is necessarily a lost cause.

You never know.

But I would stop calling him. Maybe if he feels that you CAN keep it casual too for a while, and you are busy with your own life, and not always available for him, he may warm up to the idea of trying to create & spend more time with you.

I wish good luck to you, as it does seem as if you really like him.

 

He just seemed kinda cold, but I see what you're saying, that totally makes sense. I know he doesn't want a relationship considering the circumstances so I'm sure he didn't want to stay and show any type of emotion/affection because he doesn't want me to get the wrong idea. But I guess these situations are a hit or miss- only time will tell. It's only been a couple weeks and if he's done with me, then he's done with me. Nothing I can do about it, can't reverse anything now unfortunately. But I will stop calling him. He's called me every weekend to get together so I'll probably get a phone call from him this weekend. But until then, I'll just refrain from the mid-week phone calls to him. I see him during the week at the gym anyways so I'll just smile and be casual. I really DO like him, we've had good conversations. He's introduced me to his best friend the first night... And last weekend I met his brothers and their wives. I got along with everyone so I thought he was thinking of me as something just a tad bit more than a booty call since he brought me around everyone. But I guess that doesn't really mean anything.

[Little Shy]

I have to say I agree with you that he likely values you as more than a booty call if he introduces you to his friends and family.

Whenever I have a booty call, he meets NO ONE.

My friends just hear about them referred to as "you know, Johnny, form SF" or whatever. They get assigned designated titles, but no one ever meets them, certainly not my family!

Give this guy some space & time to heal from his recent experience, and just don't be his door mat. You never know...

I also think that the perhaps it's some akward pressure on the two of you to have to share the same gym!

Honestly, I would try planning your gym visits when he is NOT there.

Then, in the chance that he is a guy with a considerable ego, he cannot tell himself that you are conveniently planning your gym visits to "run into him", and you can have better peace of mind, and a more focused gym experience, which would likely do you a world of good.

[Jilly Bean]

When my ex and I split, I got a LOT of grief from my family to move on and start dating other guys. Because I was young AND a good daughter, I would bring random booty call guys around my family just to shut them up. None of these guys meant jack, so, I wouldn't say meeting his brother means anything.

 

Bottom line, he has never taken you out on a date, and he calls you once a week when he wants sex. Why? Because he knows you will put out.

 

I really don't think this is going to morph into what you want Annie, but I strongly suggest you DON'T agree to more booty calls from him. I am sure he will call you again (why wouldn't he?), and you then have a choice - either you continue to torture yourself by giving him the Pink P and then wondering why he doesn't want to date you OR you find your self-esteem, love yourself, and stop allowing a man to treat you like this. Personally, I would have to really hate myself to let a guy that I had feelings for come over and bang me once a week and then put on his clothes and walk out the door...

 

Love yourself, girl. Because if you don't, then no one else ever will...

[xpaperxcutx]

I don't know about all this...I have to say, that I know of several long standing, successful relationships (not mine) that started out with sex right out the gate, and appeared to be very much in bootie call territory at the beginning.

quote]

 

I don't think I've came across situations like that very often in reality, except seeing it wishy washy hollywood romantic movies. But I'm sure it does happen like you say Little Shy, but its really, really RARE.

[annie77]

Well I would have to say I'm on my way, trying to just let go of this guy. Today was really difficult, as it was the 1st day seeing him in 4 days. This was at the gym by the way, we didn't hang out just to clarify things. He was very friendly, asking how my weekend was, and I was the same way. Before he left, he went out of his way to find me to say bye, and to ask if I was going to be in tomorrow. This is a little more difficult than I had expected as I felt the whole time that this guy has rejected me. I kept thinking the whole time that I really liked him and now a guy who I thought was interested as well, turned out to be not so interested. Sorry about the post I just have to let it out. I've been alone for a year and a half because I really never was into a guy since my 7 year relationship with my ex ended. And finally this one comes along, I was really excited thinking I met someone wonderful for once and maybe it could turn into something but I guess I came into his life at the wrong time. I'm just really sad about this.

[septdouleurs]

Oh honey, I feel for you. I know how easy it is to think that you're never going to meet anyone else who makes you feel special and excited and all those great things that you feel when you're in love, and how easy it is as well to pin massive expectations on anything that even *looks* like having potential. But what everyone has said is true, you're not going to be able to make this into what you want unless he wants it too - and right now, he isn't showing any signs of wanting a proper relationship with you.

 

I won't re-iterate the points that have already been made, but I will say this - it's hard to break yourself of this behaviour you've already established, especially as it goes against your own inclinations not to see him and enjoy whatever intimacy he's providing. And it's even harder to learn not to let a single setback turn into a complete relapse, but it's ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL. What I mean by this is, if you cave and call him when he has not called you, do not let things slip back into the same pattern. Be very aware in your mind of what you're saying and how you're saying it, get off the phone as soon as you can, and don't suggest that he come over or ask him out, thinking you can 'just hang out'. You can't. Believe me, I've been through this, and none of us is really that strong when it comes to the crunch.

 

It's okay to be sad about it, it's okay to feel upset, and to think about it maybe more than you'd like. Your feelings are your own, and they're not 'bad'. But you need to look after yourself, before you end up even more hurt than you are already. You're not alone, sweetie. You're single. There's a world of difference. Stay strong.

[annie77]

Oh honey, I feel for you. I know how easy it is to think that you're never going to meet anyone else who makes you feel special and excited and all those great things that you feel when you're in love, and how easy it is as well to pin massive expectations on anything that even *looks* like having potential. But what everyone has said is true, you're not going to be able to make this into what you want unless he wants it too - and right now, he isn't showing any signs of wanting a proper relationship with you.

 

I won't re-iterate the points that have already been made, but I will say this - it's hard to break yourself of this behaviour you've already established, especially as it goes against your own inclinations not to see him and enjoy whatever intimacy he's providing. And it's even harder to learn not to let a single setback turn into a complete relapse, but it's ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL. What I mean by this is, if you cave and call him when he has not called you, do not let things slip back into the same pattern. Be very aware in your mind of what you're saying and how you're saying it, get off the phone as soon as you can, and don't suggest that he come over or ask him out, thinking you can 'just hang out'. You can't. Believe me, I've been through this, and none of us is really that strong when it comes to the crunch.

 

It's okay to be sad about it, it's okay to feel upset, and to think about it maybe more than you'd like. Your feelings are your own, and they're not 'bad'. But you need to look after yourself, before you end up even more hurt than you are already. You're not alone, sweetie. You're single. There's a world of difference. Stay strong.

 

Thank you so very much for the encouragement, I really appreciate this. I know this is going no where. I guess I'm still in some sort of denial and just wishing this wasn't the case. Just the other weekend at his family's house he was showing affection, holding my hand, rubbing my leg, just not really typical of someone who doesn't give a crap about you besides being a booty call. Could it be that maybe with the recent divorce, he's freaked out about hanging with me that he's just trying to "play cool" now and act emotionless, when he may still have even just a little bit of interest left? do some guys do this? Sorry again. Like I said I've been out of the dating scene for a while since my last 7 year year relationship so I know nothing.

[D-Lish]

...I have to say I agree with you that he likely values you as more than a booty call if he introduces you to his friends and family.

Whenever I have a booty call, he meets NO ONE.

My friends just hear about them referred to as "you know, Johnny, form SF" or whatever. They get assigned designated titles, but no one ever meets them, certainly not my family!

 

I agree. I have to say that's a little weird. I am the same way- guys I am just having fun with never get introduced to my family or friends....ever. And they all have nick names as well. I am horrified if one of my friends suggests "why not bring Plenty of Fish Chris?" It's just not an option. So I see that as a confusing signal- and I can see why you might too.

 

Having said that- I do think that you have to make a decision whether a booty call is all you want to be. For me, a booty call ceases to be okay once I develop feelings for that person. That is why I like to either space the visits out- once a month- or keep the entanglement short. If I start getting attached, I know it's time to stop it before I get hurt.

[annie77]

Well the 1st time we ever hung out was the beginning of this month so it hasn't been long at all. I'm not expecting to have him go all out or anything. It's just this past weekend was when he seemed different, a little distant when he came over. And today at the gym... very friendly and upbeat. But he hasn't called me since Friday. He only does on the weekends. So IF I do see him this weekend, should I actually talk to him about the fact that I'm not too thrilled about the situation and that it really would be nice if we could actually go out, without scaring him and turning him off completely since it's still kind of soon? Or just continue to keep my mouth shut and go with the flow of things? This is bothering more than I ever thought it would, gosh I really like him. There are times I think he clearly isn't interested or even attracted to me anymore, but other times I'm beginning to think this a-hole attitude is an act, like more of a strategic move.

[D-Lish]

I think a good way to take back some control is to say no to the visits. If he can't plan ahead- he shouldn't be a priority. If he wants to see you this weekend, he should be asking you a couple days before!

 

If he calls you from a bar or asks you Saturday afternoon to see you Saturday night- and you say yes.... you are giving him the impression you are available to him when HE wants you to be. It's hard to develop respect for someone who drops everything to see you everytime you ask.

 

If he calls this weekend- I'd tell him you have plans.

 

I don't see what good it will do to talk to him about it.

It will only put undue pressure on the situation.

 

Even guys I am casually dating make plans with me as far as a week in advance. I make them do this. Sometimes I will visit someone I am casually seeing after I have been out on the town if we text that night... but not all the time. More often than not I make them plan ahead. It shows them my time is valuable.

 

I think you just need to start showing this guy that your time is valuable to you by declining some dates.

[Little Shy]

I don't know if you are holding back on some information that makes you think the vibe this guy is giving you is weak, but I don't think, once again, this is a lost cause.

Just try to not panic, and ease up on the guy. Like D-Lish says, try & see if he can make the effort to call you a bit in advance for a date, and don't always be so readily available.

I don't know if I just live in Loser land with guys or what, but ****, at least he is asking you out on weekends!

The bigger concern is the guy that treats you like his Wed. or Thurs. girl, and you never hear hide nor hair of him Friday -Sunday!

Once again, is there anyway you can try and not "run into" him at the gym??

You have mentioned several times that you come back from the gym tripping because you ran into him there, and how he acted when you saw him there!

The dude just wants to work out, and be done with it, and you should do the same, and use the time to clear your head, not trip on it further because you see your new guy there!

Who knows, maybe if he didn't see you there for a week, that would inspire him to call you?

Anyway, D-Lish, you crack me up. "Plenty of Fish Chris", huh? One could only guess where that nick name came from. LOL. I haven't met Plenty Of Fish anyone, for quite some time now...

[annie77]

I don't know if you are holding back on some information that makes you think the vibe this guy is giving you is weak, but I don't think, once again, this is a lost cause.

Just try to not panic, and ease up on the guy. Like D-Lish says, try & see if he can make the effort to call you a bit in advance for a date, and don't always be so readily available.

I don't know if I just live in Loser land with guys or what, but ****, at least he is asking you out on weekends!

The bigger concern is the guy that treats you like his Wed. or Thurs. girl, and you never hear hide nor hair of him Friday -Sunday!

Once again, is there anyway you can try and not "run into" him at the gym??

You have mentioned several times that you come back from the gym tripping because you ran into him there, and how he acted when you saw him there!

The dude just wants to work out, and be done with it, and you should do the same, and use the time to clear your head, not trip on it further because you see your new guy there!

Who knows, maybe if he didn't see you there for a week, that would inspire him to call you?

Anyway, D-Lish, you crack me up. "Plenty of Fish Chris", huh? One could only guess where that nick name came from. LOL. I haven't met Plenty Of Fish anyone, for quite some time now...

 

I'm not leaving out any information but I did post about the last time we hung out, which was this past weekend. It was just a little different this time. He called me, but I invited him out for a drink. He asked me where I wanted to go and just sensed that maybe he didn't feel like going out so I mentioned a restaurant being one option, then my place just to hang out and have a couple beers as another option. Of course he took option #2 and told me he would get a baby sitter for a bit. He came over, we talked, watched TV, drank a couple beers, and this time, he didn't even touch me. He usually makes some sort of physical contact but this last time he didn't. We slept together, laid there and talked for a while and he was out the door. So I guess this was just the turning point for me. Haven't received a phone call from him since (but this was just a few days ago), and saw him for the 1st time today at the gym since then. He asked me about a sport event that he thought was on Pay Per View this weekend and I told him it was in fact the next weekend. And slipped it in that I was ordering it, having some friends over and if he felt like joining us, he's welcome to do so. This was the same type of event I ordered, for our very 1st "date" and we all had a great time. What was his response??? Instead of a "sure" or "yeah that sounds good"... I got a "yeah we'll see..." That was what did it... But before that convo, he had a very upbeat one with me when I first arrived. Then he went out of his way to find me before leaving. And it's hard for me to go to the gym at a different time. I've been going the same time since before he even joined that gym. It's on my way home from work and I stop by there after I get off. If I come home first after work, I lose all motivation to go because I'm in relaxation mode. I don't know... Do you still think this isn't a complete lost cause? And the reason he doesn't make plans well in advance I think, is because he has his son on the weekends, and on the weekdays he works and goes to the gym and sees me there anyways. My problem at this point is that we haven't been out in public since the first night which was a couple weeks ago, and last weekend (if you even consider that public), when I met his family.

Edited February 20, 2008 by annie77

[Little Shy]

OK, I don't think I'm going to give you any more advice on my "perspective" into your deal with this guy here, because it seems to me that the vibes between you are all over the place.

If I were you, this is what I would do...Try not to think about him all the time!

Or at least, not so much!

I am in a very touch & go "situation" with a guy I think is really interesting right now. Much like you explain from your situation, he is the first guy I have taken a genuine interest to in a VERY long time.

I haven't seen him for a month. He is not so long ago out of a divorce. He travels for work in the music industry. He calls me when he can, and when he wants to. That amounts to about once a week.

Time alone will tell. I figure, this guy needs to move on from his divorce, and spend some more time thinking about what he likes about me, and if he still thinks about me when I am not available because he is on the road.

I call him infrequently, I let him come to me.

I don't know when I will see him again, (he's in & out of the country for months) so everyday I just live my life.

I don't forget how much I like him, but I'm not waiting for him either.

So, in the meantime, I work hard, work out, try to spend time with friends, and I keep my eyes open for someone else special, should he come along.

For one reason or another, be it circumstantial, work related, emotionally, or whatever, it may be that things with this guy may not happen at the speed you would like them to right now.

Patience may be something we women lack with men, but perhaps it is required in some situations, particularily post divorce.

Enjoy your life as best you can, don't make him the center of all your thoughts, you have lived many years happily & successfully before you met him, and you will still, whether or not he joins you.

I bet you give him space, and continue with your life, and you will hear from him more.

I know it's easier said then done to advise someone to stop tripping on their guy, but I think you've got to try & give your mind a:obreak from thinking about him 24/7.

[annie77]

Little Shy, thank you so very much for your thoughts and advice on my situation. I think that's the best thing I can do right now, is just refrain from calling him, inviting him out when I see him at the gym, keep contact to a minimum when I see him there, etc. He will either like that I'm not making contact because he's been over it for a while, or he will "miss" hanging with me and ask me out. Either way, I'm not looking like such a desperate idiot anymore. I wish you luck with your situation, hope it all works out for you hun!!!

[Trialbyfire]

Little Shy, thank you so very much for your thoughts and advice on my situation. I think that's the best thing I can do right now, is just refrain from calling him, inviting him out when I see him at the gym, keep contact to a minimum when I see him there, etc. He will either like that I'm not making contact because he's been over it for a while, or he will "miss" hanging with me and ask me out. Either way, I'm not looking like such a desperate idiot anymore. I wish you luck with your situation, hope it all works out for you hun!!!

Ba da bing! Show him you have some self-respect. Good luck.

[norajane]

If he 'misses' hanging out with you and calls, make sure you don't accept anything unless he actually asks you out on a date, rather than inviting himself over to hang out and have sex. Big difference.