onthebink76 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Well here it goes. First of all I'd like to say the breakdown of our marriage is 100% my fault. About four years ago I thought it would be fine to to muck around in chat rooms for fun. However, this lead to more and eventually I had organised on several occasions to meet. I couldn'y go through with it but the intention was still there. My wife managed to find my yahoo email account and found out about it. I feel miserable for cheating on her and causing emotional anguish. It took a long time but we slowly worked throught it. Or so I thought. Four years on we have a 3 1/2 yr old and one who's 9 months. Things have never been worse. It seems now that whenever we have an argument no matter who is to blame that the issue mentioned above is used as emotional ammunition in the sense that "you're the one that ..." you get the picture. I'm not in any way saying that it would be easy to forgive me for such a horrible act but there does'nt seem to be anyway forward from it. Lately, to be honest I don't know who I am, on occasion I find myself aggressive (not violent or physical) towards my wife and eldest son in frustration over my wife's attitude towards me. She is always trying to control what I do, is always suspicious of my movements (why did it take you so long to do that while you were out?...) and I guess rightfully so. I have obviously hurt her badly. Although the issue does'nt come up that often I know it is aways in the back of her mind. Her behaviour recently has turned to mild aggression and resentment not only towards me but her own family and kids. I've tried talking to her but she is too much like her mother, would rather clam up and let it fester then explode in incomprehensable banter that is far from constructive. There is no intimacy maybe 3 times in the last 6 months. There are good days and bad but that just makes it an emotional rollercoaster. Thanks for listening I just needed to vent and get this out there. If you would like to make any comments please feel free.
Melovator Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 So you're not in marriage counselling? That would seem to be the first place to start. Yes you did something wrong and I gather by the age of your eldest that she was actually pregnant at the time which would compound her feelings... but if she wants to remain married to you then she needs to let go of her resentment, otherwise you're just making each other miserable. I would also suggest individual counselling for yourself to help you deal with your feelings of aggression and to help with dealing with everything else. Your children are the most important people in this situation, they didn't ask you to have them and you and your wife are responsible for their well-being and that includes demonstrating to them what healthy adult relationships are about, at the moment from what you've written they are not seeing that. Marriage counselling should (I say should not will) provide you both with a safe emotional space to express your feelings. (and you won't always get the right counsellor first time- nothing wrong with seeking one better suited if that happens). If she won't go then you have to ask yourself "Do I want to live this way forever?"
Author onthebink76 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 I have mentioned marriage counselling but she turned around and said that a Solicitor would be better. I probably should have taken the hint but as I said some days are good and some bad. I agree about the kids and that is why I am concerned most. I have already noticed some change in behaviour in my eldest son. I guess they are better to grow up in a broken family with happy parents than to grow up in the original family unit with bad influences caused by our marital problems. I feel I am in the situation now that I am just in it for the contact with the kids, I love them dearly and would break my heart to be apart from them for too long. My wife is currently working and I am a stay at home dad which has brought upon a whole new range of issues. I like to openly discuss any issues that I have with my wife but it's hard when you are told to "shut up" or worse. What makes matters worse is that 6 years ago my wife wasn't happy with her job so I agreed to move back to her home town. Since we've been here I've managed to make no friends, we don't have any mutual friends (don't like her friends) and have no family or support here. I don't want to move away from the kids or wife while we seperate (if it comes to that) but I need the emotional support. Perhaps Individual counselling is what is needed here.
Melovator Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 She's not treating you with respect if you're being told to 'shut up' when you want to discuss issues. And does she really want a divorce or is she just avoiding dealing with her own issues? And I am confused as to why you would think that you would not have the kids if you split- you are their primary carer. Having a penis doesn't mean you automatically become a weekend parent unless you let that happen. I can understand the wanting to move to where you can get emotional support though. Thought about joining a sports club, doing volunteer work anything to get you out of the house and meeting new people, yes it is difficult when you are the primary carer for two small persons but it can be done and might give you a focus outside of the home and reduce your tension. Just a suggestion...
Author onthebink76 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 She's not treating you with respect if you're being told to 'shut up' when you want to discuss issues. And does she really want a divorce or is she just avoiding dealing with her own issues? And I am confused as to why you would think that you would not have the kids if you split- you are their primary carer. Having a penis doesn't mean you automatically become a weekend parent unless you let that happen. I can understand the wanting to move to where you can get emotional support though. Thought about joining a sports club, doing volunteer work anything to get you out of the house and meeting new people, yes it is difficult when you are the primary carer for two small persons but it can be done and might give you a focus outside of the home and reduce your tension. Just a suggestion... Hi again. I have never been in this situation so I do not know what to expect. I've heard that courts favour the mother etc etc so don't know what to think there and not that I want it to go to court. I know how my wife reacts in any confronting situation and it's not pretty so I'm sure any mediation will be intense. You are right about getting out, joining a club etc. I've been so house-bound for so long I don't know myself (or anyone else for that matter) anymore. Sometimes I feel like I've already made up my own mind as to separation for my own sake, to grow as a person, to think about what I've done, why I did it, and how to progress from there. It's rasising the issue and how to initiate the separation that is the problem. But they ae questions I need to answer for myself.
Melovator Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hi again. I have never been in this situation so I do not know what to expect. I've heard that courts favour the mother etc etc so don't know what to think there and not that I want it to go to court. I know how my wife reacts in any confronting situation and it's not pretty so I'm sure any mediation will be intense. You are right about getting out, joining a club etc. I've been so house-bound for so long I don't know myself (or anyone else for that matter) anymore. Sometimes I feel like I've already made up my own mind as to separation for my own sake, to grow as a person, to think about what I've done, why I did it, and how to progress from there. It's raising the issue and how to initiate the separation that is the problem. But they ae questions I need to answer for myself. Mediation is often not appropriate in circumstances where one partner has control issues. I would strongly suggest speaking to a lawyer to clarify your position re: the kids. I know a SAHD whose wife recently left him for another man she assumed she would just get the kids because she's the mother... the courts have disabused her of that notion. Its worth checking out. Have you told your wife your feeling like you want out? Actually come right out and said "I can't do this anymore!" My personal perspective is this: Your wife can sit around and blame you for everything that is wrong in her life and you can sit around and take it from her and you can both be miserable or you can each take responsibility for your own emotions, thoughts and happiness. And maybe if you each do that and work together you could be better than before but if she's not willing to try then quite frankly she can't blame you for that. That will be her decision, not yours. And I have to add my ex left me for another woman but I still don't hold him 100% responsible for the breakdown in our relationship, both of us were responsible for that. His cheating- his responsibility. How I feel about what he did- my responsibility. Am I going to sit around and blame him for everything that goes wrong in my life forever? Hell No! I'm the one in charge of my life not him.
Author onthebink76 Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks. Great insight by the way. I never really thought of it that way. Not that I'm making excuses for my actions whats done is done and I'm ready to move on. You wouldn't like to talk to my wife would you I'm sure my wife would be pleased that I'm talking online with another woman about our marriage.
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