dallascitichic Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 My boyfriend and I fell in love and moved very fast but he set the pace for our relationship. He told me he was in love with me on New Years and gave me a promise ring. A week ago he took me to a wine bar and proposed to me with his whole family in on the ordeal. The very next morning, he started picking me apart, picked a fight and took his ring back. The next day, he gave me the ring back and said how sorry he was but he had just goten scared and was fine. The next week he kept putting off getting my ring sized and I finally pushed the issue on Friday (we were supposed to be meeting with a florist as HE had wanted to be married in April because he knew my lease was up and did not want to wait another six months to a year. He said he felt like we were moving too fast and could not enjoy being engaged because we would be swamped trying to plan a wedding while I am trying to work, take care of my son ad go to school. I overreacted and got very upset and the next morning apologized and asked when he wanted to move the wedding date back to. He now says he wants to just be boyfriend girlfriend again. He says he still loves me and wants to get married and have children but not yet. He asks that I just give him time. What makes this so hard is he wants to still be together every day and basically wants everything to be the same but is so scared of having us be "engaged". He even jokes all the time that he wants to get me pregnant because it would be easier for him not to have to make the decision. I am so resentful that he called the engagement off completely rather than just push back the date and it also leaves me in complete limbo because I have no idea what to do about my lease. If he still feels the same way and watns the same things, why is it so scary for him to have a ring on my finger? He was so excited that he took me looking at rings twice and wanted to get married as soon as I could plan a wedding and now he has done a 180. It is really hard for me not to bring it up or make snotty comments because I am so hurt and angry. Why did he change his mind so suddenly and why does being engaged scare him so much when he was so in love and wanted to do this a week ago. Now, when I push the issue he feels further away and like he wants it less and less the more he knows I want him to change his mind. Where do I go from here and how do I get over the resentment and act like the engagement never happened but still move forward and be affectionate. I find myself wanting to punish him and show him I can be happy without him or that he could lose me but I know that is not healthy. Im lost and confused. Valentines day was supposed to be our big date night and I know I will be sad if we are not together but I will be sad thinking about the future we should be having but where we are now. I think things would have been great if he could just get over his fear but he thinks he did the right thing..
a_torn_novagirl Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 go on with your life.....renew your lease. Show him that this doesn't effect you. If you guys have to have a kid in order to get married, then he doesn't want to marry you because he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He wants to marry you because a kid is in the picture (a kid that doesn't exits is his motivation....the motivation is suppose to be you). I think you should punish him, but do it the right way. Show him that you can make it with or without him, and you're okay with everything he throws at you.
D-Lish Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I'd say you have every right to be angry in regards to him making a big deal out of asking you to marry him and then change his mind so quickly. I'd be pretty confused and angry as well. I think the best way to handle this is to immediately STOP pushing the marriage issue. Don't bring it up, don't ask him what you should do about your lease.... Just let go of that subject all together. Putting pressure on him will only push him further away. I agree with the above poster. I would go ahead and renew your lease, put a little distance between you and your bf.... start engaging in activities without him. You don't have to break up with him, but I think it would be healthy for you to take a step back and start asserting some of your independance. When he notices you are capable and happy living aspects of your life without involving him- he will take notice. That's pretty humiliating for him to publically ask you to be his wife and then take it back a few days later. I'd be angry as hell if someone did that to me. It is going to be very hard to transition back into a bf/gf relationship after he asked you to marry him. maybe he got cold feet- but that doesn't excuse his behaviour! I'd certainly pull back if I were you. After such a situation I think it is you that might want to take some space and think about things.
Author dallascitichic Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Thanks for the replies and although he still wants to spend a lot of time together I have only been seeing him about once or twice a week and on the weekends and think I am going to renew my lease for the full year rather than have to pay extra to renew for six months in hopes he figure out what he wants. What makes this harder is that he acts like everything should be exactly the same as before he proposed, he thinks he is going to get sex all the time and gets to know everything about my life. He also acts very irritated that I am not already over it like it is ok but it is hard for me to get over it when he is constantly talking about our future and when we get married ect. I know he was married before and she cheated on him and left for another man. He also had a live in girlfriend of two years prior to me whom he seemed to waver on asking her to move out then proposing to her only to call it off again later. Now, I am losing faith in the relationship as it seems more a pattern of behavior and fear of commitment. If he had not asked I would have been ok but as he did ask and still says that is what he wants, I do not understand why it was so important for us to cancel engagement rather than push back the date. I also feel like he is no longer as involved with my son and does the bare minimum for the child he said he wanted to be the father figure for and raise as his own less than three weeks ago. Any input on why he changed his mind and behavior so suddenly and still talks about something he is so dead set against. I am trying to be ok with it but I am very resetnful and have started feeling like he is very selfish by making decisions that are all about his needs rather than about "our" needs.
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