Frustrated and depressed with NC

[BrianG]

Just very frustrated and depressed lately with NC. I still don't want to give up, let go, or move on. I wanted her to be the last of everything. (5 yrs. together, only lived together for 6 months, 4 months broken up). I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I dont want to put her in my past and still having difficulty accepting it. I know I said everything I can on how I felt about her, was sorry for hurting her, and that I was willing to work on my behaviour (and I worked very hard since the break-up, counseling, cognitive behavioural therapy, volunteering) and I wanted to work it out because isn't that what a committed relationship is all about. Sure I made mistakes like taking her for granted and losing my temper a few times near the end and I lied a few times (never cheated, etc.) I was always taught to fight for what I believe in and love and now I just have to give up and its all my fault.

 

I guess I just having problems letting go of the guilt of screwing up with the love of my life still. I have done a lot of self reflection since the breakup on my prior actions and behaviours during the relationship to make myself a better person. I cannot seem to forgive myself yet. I know the only thing that I can do is show her through my actions, but I am in NC and I dont want any new pain because she already told me she does not love me "that way" anymore. I was already given a second chance a while back so I know this is the end for us against all my wishes.

 

I know I will never be able to be "just friends" with her and that means that I will never see or talk to her again. That makes me so incredibly sad and it seems like us never talking again is affecting me way more than her and that depresses me.

 

I just want to call or do something/anything and talk or ask for the opportunity to spend some time with me to see these changes in action, but I have attempted that before and had been declined. There is nothing that I have not said before, which is the main reason for not contacting her and I know I need to heal. I know nothing I can do will change her mind.

 

The one thing that makes me feel better is that I never gave up on us or my heart, and I still dont want to. Isn't that what relationships are about. I wish I knew better on how to treat her while in the relationship instead of it being too little to late. This has been one of the biggest learning lessons of my life and definetly will make the next relationship (whenever that may be) so much better. But I dont want the next relationship - I want her. But I have to respect what she wants as well and unfortunately that is us not being together.

 

Just frustrated with this break-up and NC and not being able to do anything about it. Just needed to vent and get it off my chest because I think Im losing my mind. I am truly trying to believe that whatever is meant to be will happen and time heals all wounds, but they all just seem like stupid break-up cliches to me. I know I will feel better about it over time, but I dont think I will ever be content with the situation.

 

How do you forgive yourself for being the one to blame for losing the love of your life????? I don't think I will ever be able to.

[BrianG]

just needed to bump. Anybody know how to forgive yourself?

[CalamitousJane]

Brian, isn't it weird that she stuck with you for so long when you were not such a good boyfriend, and now suddenly when you ARE becoming capable of being a good boyfriend she just doesn't "feel that way" about you anymore?

 

Same thing happened to me. Faced with losing him I did everything I could to enable myself to be capable of a happy, committed, loving future together with someone. And at exactly the same time, he stopped being "in love" with me.

 

I don't think it's just a coincidence.

 

I have heard before that when two people are together, that means they are at the same level of emotional maturity. Even when one complains about the other, the fact that that person sticks with it show that they aren't really so far ahead.

 

You have probably made changes that put you too far ahead of her, in terms of the closeness she is ready for. Maybe she wasn't happy with you before, when she was with you. Maybe that means that right now she is only capable of being with someone she isn't happy with.

 

If she were really ready for love and happiness she would forgive you. I know if someone I once loved came back so ready and willing to have another go at it, I would certainly be interested in seeing what would happen.

 

I know breaking the attachment is like cutting off your own arm. I'm going through it too, and it still brings me pain every day.

 

It's been seven months since the initial shock, and about two and a half months since I started minimizing contact. Time and distance are finally starting to kick in.

 

Hang in there - remember it's darkest just before dawn.

Edited February 13, 2008 by CalamitousJane

[BrianG]

thanks jane, how do you forgive yourself for your past mistakes/behaviour? Cant seem to let go of the guilt because I am the one mainly to blame for losing the love of my life.

[SmileyFace82]

Hey Brian,

 

You have to stop blaming yourself. The things is we really have to seperate reality from our dreams/hope/wishes. Look at ourselves and at the whole situation. The reason we go NC is not to get them back. It is to allow us to move on. If we hold on to the hope of them coming back, then we are not moving on.

 

I know you must be missing your ex but i too believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe you'll get back with her in the future, but you won't do that in your present state. And the last statement doesn't mean that you should change for her!! You should take the view that you will never get back with her and move on. You should try and rediscover yourself and be happy again. Find a way so that you are enjoying life again. And only until you feel like you can stand in front of her and feel like you can be yourself again should you even consider contacting her again. I know you are doing well with NC and you should continue this (but don't do it with the view that this would mean she is more likely to contact you first, she might not).

 

I went through a really tough week last week for no apparent reason so i kinda know how you are feeling. I was going well then all of a sudden i REALLY missed my ex and started thinking about the past etc. Then i realised...it's the past...why am i thinking about something that i cannot change anymore. I looked at the reality of the whole thing...she's happy with her bf, she's not going to come back anytime soon. I don't exist in her life anymore, and she shouldn't exist in mine either. I then moved into my new apartment and realised i have so much to live for. I have my own place, i have a job, i have my health... nothing is stopping me from being happy. And since last week, i have only wished my ex the best (in my head!) and believe that i really am letting go now.

 

Maybe i'll see her in the future... i will say hi and be myself. I've had enough of being someone else and hoping that my ex will hear how much fun i'm having or what i'm doing with my life. I really want to have fun now and do it for myself and myself alone. I think only then, will i be able to be comfortable with speaking with her and vice versa and having her as a friend again.

 

Well i hope that has helped, we are all in it together... you're not alone in this. It is like an emotional rollercoaster but you will get there in the end. You just have to make the right decisions for yourself from now on!

 

SmileyFace82

[prisonbreak]

How to forgive yourself, I struggled with that one too. I can now say, I have truly forgiven myself (for the moment). I too, made the mistake in the relationship and because of it, we broke up. I was devastated! It was all my fault. I would cry and scream, "I'm so stupid" over and over in my bed at night. Now, I can only tell you what worked for me, so you can take it for what it's worth. In my darkest hour, crying, and beating myself up because of what i had done, I asked God to forgive me. Now, you might not even believe in God and that's ok, hang in here with me on this one, (that's what makes LS so great, you get all different perspectives). I thought, if I couldn't forgive myself and my ex couldn't forgive me, I had to find someone who would. So, i laid it out to God. He does forgive, when your truly remorseful. Ok, so it was a start. I felt like I could breath again. However, I still couldn't forgive myself, but I knew God has forgiven me. I continued to beat myself up. One day, I asked myself, "If God can forgive me, why can't I forgive myself?" I realized by not forgiving myself, I was putting myself before and above God. God had let it go, why couldn't I? So, I made a decision to forgive myself. I was doing good for a while, then I'd have slips. I'd fall into banging my head against the stearing wheel, thinking, "what have I done, I'm so stupid". Ok, so what I've learned is, it's a process to forgive yourself, but it starts with a decision. Forgiveness is the biggest form of love, so love yourself and forgive yourself. You made a mistake, your human. Stop beating yourself up....You've heard it all, but most importantly, Love yourself, even when you mess up.

 

The reason I believe it's a process, is because it comes and goes. I believe God only gives you what you can handle at that moment. Then, when your feeling better, He says, "Lets go revisit that again" and wham, your banging your head on the stearing wheel again. Eventually it gets less and less frequent, until one day, it's just a fleeting thought.

 

And you don't need her to forgive you, for you to forgive yourself. In my situation, my ex tormented me for months. I finally said to him one day, "I'm forgiven, even if you don't forgive me". Needless to say that went over like a lead balloon, but it's true. Currently he hasn't forgiven me and is still very angry and bitter, hopefully he'll be able to forgive me, for his own sake, so he can be truly happy some day.

 

CJ- Wow! I loved your post, I had an epiphany!!! I alway had 1 foot in, 1 foot out, in the relationship. When i was ready to have both feet in, he didn't want anything to do with it. I think he craves half-as* relationships. We went to counseling and were trying to get healthy and that's when he bailed. Weird huh? Thanks!

[CalamitousJane]

thanks jane, how do you forgive yourself for your past mistakes/behaviour? Cant seem to let go of the guilt because I am the one mainly to blame for losing the love of my life.

 

Brian, I don't think you were the one mainly to blame. You were doing the best you could, given who you were then. Sometimes your fear got the best of your ability to love. It's nothing to feel guilty about, especially since you have taken the initiative to make deep changes in yourself now.

 

She stuck with you when you were not so able to love, and now that you are able to love she is turning away. You didn't "lose" her - she's just not ready for you.

 

Like prisonbreak said... If you have apologized, done your best to make amends, and made the necessary changes in yourself to prevent future mistakes then the Universe has already forgiven you, and it's time for you to forgive yourself.

[BrianG]

thanks so much!!!!!! Both your posts helped me a lot. I do believe in God and asked for forgiveness and my ex has forgiven me the last time we spoke a while back (lost track of NC, which is good). I am just having a hard time forgiving myself because I lost her and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her which has been tough on me to accept that she is gone because of my previous behavior. I do feel that I have been doing great things since the break-up and I know there is more than "one" love in life to look forward too. I know I cannot change the past so I have to leave it where it belongs. If God and my ex has forgiven me, I guess its about time for me to forgive myself. Just been having a difficult few weeks with NC and I still dont want to give up on her and try something, but I guess I am just not what she wants anymore. I guess its another thing to be proud of is even though i made plenty of mistakes, I never gave up on our love and that has to mean something. People now and days are ready to just pick up and leave instead of working on problems. I guess that is why the divorce rate is so high.