GeorgiaSongbird Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Not really sure where this was goes so I'm posting it here. V-day is coming soon and for it has many different meanings for people but this is a holiday I really could do without. And not for the usual "I just broke up" or "I'm in between relationships" reasons. I've posted before that my mother passed away. She was sick for a long time before she died. In the 18 months before she past she was in and out of the hospital a lot. In April 2005, she went into the hospital and we thought it would be the normal 2 week stay and then she would be home again. But she never did see home after that. She passed out and they couldn't figure out why, she went into ICU. It turned out she had CO2 build up due to pulmonary hypertension and congestive heart failure. She ended up on a ventilator and a feeding tube, she had flare ups of infection, we were told she had MRSA and she would likely not recover. She seem to beat it and got better but the MRSA would flare up again. She had renal failure was on dialysis. She would have times of lucidity and there were times when she wasn't awake. She developed terrible bedsores. This went on for 10 months. It was stressful. My brothers were AWOL. One had military issues and was not able to get a compassionate reassignment. The other 2 were just AWOL. That left me and my dad to deal with it. My mom and dad were are divorced so even though my parents lived together most of my life (even after their D) and the hospital knew I was going to defer to his wishes, when there was a decision to be made, I was the one at the hospital making it and signing the paperwork. Obviously after a time, her insurance ran out. Then there was the monetary pressure from the hospital because that they wanted her out (they are a for-profit hospital) but they couldn't move her. They would tell my dad that he would be responsible for the remaining bill if the doctor's recommended cutting off her treatment and we declined. In the meantime, we could never really know how well my mother was going to be on that day. Would she be awake and know who we were or would she be back in ICU? It got to the point where my father was ready to say good bye and was willing to let sign the paperwork to stop her treatment. I called my brothers and they came to hospital. The doctor was there and wouldn't come back so we made arrangements to come back the next day and meet with him at 10am. The hospital called me at about 7:30am that morning to tell me she had passed away. So, we ended up not having to make that decision. She past away on Feb 14, 2006. At first, I was just trying to make sure my dad didn't just die right behind her. Then because I neglected myself, I ended up with my own health crisis. I had to leave a job I had for 17 years about 6 months after my mom passed because they wouldn't give me a leave of absence to deal with my health issues. The FMLA time they were required to give had been used taking care of my mother. Literally for about a year to a year and half after she died, I was just going through the motions. I didn't let myself anything toward her death. I just shut down. I slept literally all day. I felt disconnected from everyone. I resented my husband because I felt he made me go through all that by myself. I just walled up and pushed everyone and everything I loved out of my life. I stopped doing the hobbies I enjoyed so much. So, now I'm at a point where I should be more accepting of her loss.. after all it was 2 years ago. But because I didn't deal with at the time, I'm dealing with it now. And I'm at a loss about how to make it through the grieving process and feel like I can get on with my life. I want to remember the mother I loved and not be held captive by the memories of how she died. And I just don't know how to do it.
blind_otter Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad in 2006 as well, October. I know how hard it can be - your story sounds so stressful! In regard to grieving, I was in active therapy whilst grieving so that really really helped. If you haven't already, contact your local hospice. They have contact with grief counselors, and support groups as well that are filled with people who have similar experiences. It really helps to be able to talk it out, cry it out, express your loss and go through the myriad of emotions you will feel -- but freely and without restraint. As to how you remember your mom - ultimately that is your choice. My Dad was sick for over a year before he passed, but to me I will always remember the hardy, healthy moustached man who raised me. Remembering him now fills me with joy and actually makes me smile. A good author to read - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Great psychologist who deals with the topic of grief and death with a very direct and frank approach. I read a few of her books while Dad was dying and it helped a lot. The important thing is - allow yourself to open up and grieve. Talk about what happened. Talk about her. Good and bad. Memories from long ago and recent ones, too. Process what has happened. Feel your emotions as they pass through you adn learn to ride the waves, like a surfer. I had a long thread about my Dad on LS and that helped as well. Just some thoughts. Be well....
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