Mtg123 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Apologies for the length of this but it's good to put it in some context and be as truthful as I can..... I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years since we were the age of 16. When I first met her I was smoking cannabis and this got progressively worse after we started going out and became a full time hobby. Although I had this habit I was always hard working, got good grades at school and had a job for a year after finishing school (when i was 18). It was then I started getting the 'itch' - i felt that i was missing out on sexual encounters and being single like most other people. The cannabis however was an escape from those emotions and an easy (lazy) way to escape the monotonies of life. We were happy in our relationship, things were going well, but there was always a sense of 'lacking'- of personal fullness (greed i suppose). Splitting up was pointless as there was no reason to, but staying together meant that something (in me) wasn't quite fulfilled. Then I got fed up with my job and decided to go to uni for a few years. During this time my girlfriend's parents split up so she moved in with me at my parents, then we lived together in several rented houses. She got depressed due to her parents divorce, her father who had a breakdown and also a medical condition that she had. The dope also didn't help. She was on a strong dose of anti-depressants and often had panic attacks. Her father was also sectioned a few times. During this time i was supportive but also felt quite trapped as it felt difficult and stupid to leave her and also because of the fact I loved her. Anyway a couple of years later things got a bit better, i had left uni and my gf was in her last year. We decided to move into a shared house but this time it was with girls. I had a job but still wasn't happy, I too had developed a mild form of depression but looking back i think this could have been psychosis from the dope and a kind of a 'quarter life crisis'. So i gave up the dope. I got along really well with one of her housemates and started to fall for her. I got obsessed with this feeling and felt i had to talk to her about it. It then progressed from that to us staying up late talking about everything and drinking heavily. At that time she had found out she was pregnant from a casual relationship and i accepted that it could never be, but then she had a miscarriage and was obviously low. But this kinda made me feel even closer to her and eventually we started kissing. We knew what we were doing was wrong but at the time it really felt like i had met 'the one' - i fell in love again. We constantly talked about my relationship but i never had the balls to end it since I loved my gf but always had these urges to be with the other house mate. She never asked me to leave her as she had her own (long distance) on and off boyfriend. But I was torn and switched my addiction from the dope to her and booze. My gf during this time was noticing us getting closer and was getting angry with me and she had suspicions that something was going on. I think she knew the relationship was ending and so did i. I had a live for today attitude and didn't really care about the effects of my actions. I hit the self destruct button and was blinded by love. The week before we were all due to move out I slept with my house mate whilst we were drunk and my girlfriend asleep upstairs. I am deeply ashamed of this. The event was not great but that was unimportant, all i wanted was to be with this person and would not let anything get in the way. Somehow I still managed to hold on to my girlfriend during all of this. After my house mate moved out I was in full flow of what i would say now was a breakdown. I had to get away, and i said to my gf that it was something i had to do to sort myself out. We didn't officially split up but it was everything but officially separating. I moved to a town closer to my house mate just so i could feel closer even though we hardly ever spoke. I felt suicidal that i couldn't be with her. Eventually i pulled myself together and got a job for a charity (that i still have now) and i love. Following that I started to miss my gf and realized how important she is to me, wanted to forget the past and to cut a long story short we bought our own flat. I was in denial from what had happened previously and felt like my life was back on track - there was no need to confess. I blocked all of those feelings i had for my house mate (kept myself busy and still smoked a little weed but not much). And then out of the blue my gf was pregnant. At first we were shocked, then delighted. I put all that past stuff down to a confusing low time, the 'old me' if you like. I concentrated on getting a house and keeping my partner happy. She is now off the anti depressants and is generally really happy. We now have a baby boy and live in a house which we love and are getting along really well. I no longer have any obsessions/addictions and I feel like a new person who's worked their way up from rock bottom. The thing is i keep getting flashbacks over what happened with my house mate and get bouts of guilt - how could i have done this to my gf? She is an amazing person I just never realized it or appreciated her and was consumed in my own self pitty/greed. Should I confess this to her and open up sore wounds (bearing in mind we have had new born child) and release this guilt for my own selfish needs? Or should I let sleeping dogs lie and vow never to do anything like it again and just make her as happy as I possibly can??? Thanks for reading.
juliegeraci Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Wow, this is a tough one. Part of me says don't say anything and part of me says come clean. If you come clean you are going to hurt her. So either way you need to see the risks. Do you feel you can move forward with her if she doesn't know?
feelingtorn Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 don't tell her. You are not seeing OW anymore. It sounds like you don't even have any romantic feeling toward OW. You and your partner are happy and expecting a new member of the family. Why taint it with your past mistake? Focus on your present and future. Don't dwell on your past.
Author Mtg123 Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 Thanks for your reply. I think I can move forward as i now see myself as a new person and i guess the only real benefit in disclosing this is to relieve my own guilt....guilt which i never had before as i just blocked it out. It's just it plays on my conscience when I think back to those times and the fact i've kept it from her. Maybe thats something i should live with and forgive myself and move on.....
the_dean Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 It is a hard decision but a simple question: Is it worth alleviating your guilt (not completely) at a risk of badly hurting someone else. If i were in your situation, i would not tell because it sounds like you have a good situation now. I would not want to take the chance of compromising where you are at now. Dean
Bryanp Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you wish to know?
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I got along really well with one of her housemates and started to fall for her. The thing is, how close were her and the housemate? What are the chances of the housemate telling your girlfriend about being with you? Better for your gf to hear it from you, not someone else, let alone the OW..
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