peytonthatsme Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Would something like this upset you or am I just being too sensitive? I've posted about my marriage being in a rut and how for the last few years my husband has taken a new job (over the road truck driver) so he can drive with his dad. I'm to the point where I've disconnected myself from him, emotionally, physically etc. He is rarely home and when he is I just feel distant from him. I've tried to talk him into getting a new job but he wants to spend time with his dad. Well this weekend, we were having a good weekend for once- had sex twice in one day- used to be an all the time occurance but now its a miracle ha ha. Then something happened on sunday that really upset me. Long story- my birthday was last month. My husband took me out to dinner when he got home (I did not see him on my actual birthday) and he'd left me a birthday card with a gift card for a restaurant in it. It was for TGI Fridays. When I got it I told him thanks but in the back on my mind I was thinking hmmm wonder why he picked TGI Fridays because he and I have NEVEr eaten there and since they did away with my favorite Jack Daniels pasta I don't have any reason to eat there. But I would have. The thing is that he knows what my favorite restaurants are and this wasnt' even close to one of them. But it wasn't a big deal. Well on Sunday I wanted to have a "date day" so I suggested we go out to eat. My husband said oh we should use that TGI Fridays gift card that Mark gave us" Mark is a guy he works with. I asked what gift card? And he said that Mark gave us a Fridays gift card for Christmas. I was unaware of this so I asked well where is it? and he said that he figured I had it. I told him the only gift card I had was the one HE had given me for my birthday (and at the time he gave it to me he told me he was sorry it wasn't for my favorite restaurant but he'd been at Wal-Mart (which sells gift cards for a lot of restaurants) and they were sold out of my favorite place.) So basically the gift card he gave me was regifted from a coworker. Not a huge deal. Yes, it irritates me that my own husband cant' take the time to buy me a simple birthday present when he spends all this time with his dad and his family. But the thing that makes me so upset is that he LIED to me. Yes, he sat there on sunday and tried to convince me that he was mistaken, that his friend Mark had TALKED about getting us a gift card for TGI Fridays for christmas and thats why he was confused. He told me about how he went to Wal-mart and got the gift card himself and blah blah blah. But I just KNEW he was lying to me. I confronted him, told him he was lying and that I'm not mad about what he did but I will be very mad if he's lying. He continued to lie for a few more minutes then admitted the truth. Said he didn't have time to get me anything and that he DID go to the store to look but they were sold out. Then he turned it around on me and started YELLING at me placing the blame for his lying on me. said that I already knew he was lying (so why not confess?) and that I am too hard to please and he can never do enough for me or make me happy. I have no idea how he arrives at this conclusion because I basically live alone!! Yes, I am married but I see my husband two days a week! I do all the house cleaning, chores, take care of our dogs etc, I do all the grocery shopping, bill paying and I work a full time job. If I want companionship or entertainment I have to go see friends. I don't get hardly anything from my husband but I EXPECT too much. I'm so upset that he lied to me. We have trust issues from the past- when he first took his job I found out he was talking to an ex of his and they were talking inappropriately. He was telling her he missed her etc. Nothing physical ever happened and went to counseling to work through it. He knows he can NOT lie to me about anything. yet he chose to lie about something so small and stupid. Am I making too much of this or would anyone else be upset by this?
curiousnycgirl Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 The individual event is not that major (although I abhor lying) - but within the context of your current situation and frustrations, I understand your reactions. So let's turn it around - rather than focussing on this incident, what WILL make you happy? I would think perhaps having your husband put you and your marriage first might be a start. From what you have described the root cause of your issues is that he has put his relationship with his family before his relationship with you. So while you ask for very little - the one thing he pretends to do for you is just that, pretense. Yup I'd be really pissed. You say that you've asked him to switch back to a job that let's him be home, and he's said no - he wants to spend time with his father. Do you know how much longer his father will be working? Is he close to retirement? If so is it possible for you to wait? Overall I think you two are on totally different pages and would likely benefit significantly from marriage counseling. Absent that I think you need individual counseling to figure out how to get what YOU want out of life!
sketcher9015 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 i have a friend who is still going around with her husband because 5 years ago she used a gift card from him to buy a gift for one of her children. sometimes we get upset over little things.
MakeLemonade Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I read your other thread too Peyton, and it would seem you and your hubby have some serious reconnecting to do if this is going to end up anywhere north of misery and divorce. First of all - how detached from you does he have to feel to think it is OK to regift a giftcard from a restaurant you don't even like very much? That somehow that is going to fly? Although, as an aside, he may also feel YOUR detachment as well, and think to himself it really doesn't matter, she won't care anyway - so why should I? No excuse, just a thought. Next, a question, if you wouldn't mind answering - how was the sex this time, the 2x's in one day? Any real sparks or intimacy? playfulness? serious eye-gazing or pillow-talk afterward? Just wondering if any changes to the positive over what is has been lately prompted the 2nd go around. Based on your husband's reaction, accusing you of being so needy (expecting too much) - when he is never there and you are so obviously self-sufficient and un-needy, my first reaction is that he is either very selfish and truly thinks you wanting an honest, attentive partner is "too much" OR he is just biding his time till you file and doesn't have the courage to do it himself.... and if that be the case, then I would wonder if his dad is the only one he is spending time with out on the road. Because otherwise - why would he want that? To be free with no attachments to spend time w/ abandon with his father? Nothing wrong with wanting to be around your family - but if that is the reason he wants to drive you away, something very off about that. Anyway - just some things to think about.
Author peytonthatsme Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 You say that you've asked him to switch back to a job that let's him be home, and he's said no - he wants to spend time with his father. Do you know how much longer his father will be working? Is he close to retirement? If so is it possible for you to wait? Curious Nycgirl, No, his father will probably work until he dies (literally). He has about ten years before he can retire. I dont' have a problem with my husband wanting to spend time with his dad but its not a good environment. his parents are still married but basically his dad hates his mom and since my husband has spent more time with his father he's adopted his dad's attitude toward women in general (that women want to suck the life out of men) I admit his parent's relationship isnt' pretty- his mom doesnt' work and expects his dad to do everything for her. Even though he pays all their bills she won't even make him dinner when he IS home. But it irritates me because while I'm not perfect, I'm nothing like his mom. First of all - how detached from you does he have to feel to think it is OK to regift a giftcard from a restaurant you don't even like very much? That somehow that is going to fly? Although, as an aside, he may also feel YOUR detachment as well, and think to himself it really doesn't matter, she won't care anyway - so why should I? No excuse, just a thought. Yes, he probably does feel my detachment, but it is difficult to feel connected to someone you rarely see and don't have much interaction with. Sometimes I feel like I am pitstop to take care of his sexual needs and then he moves on to his "real" life out on the road working with his dad. We still talk on the phone and say I love you and everything but I just don't FEEL it anymore. Next, a question, if you wouldn't mind answering - how was the sex this time, the 2x's in one day? Any real sparks or intimacy? playfulness? serious eye-gazing or pillow-talk afterward? Just wondering if any changes to the positive over what is has been lately prompted the 2nd go around. I'm not sure what prompted the 2nd go round. Just me feeling horny or lonely maybe. Just wanted to feel that my husband wanted me. He was very surprised when I started something. The sex itself was ok. Made me feel wanted but afterward he was back to his distant self. So it didn't do much good. Based on your husband's reaction, accusing you of being so needy (expecting too much) - when he is never there and you are so obviously self-sufficient and un-needy, my first reaction is that he is either very selfish and truly thinks you wanting an honest, attentive partner is "too much" OR he is just biding his time till you file and doesn't have the courage to do it himself.... and if that be the case, then I would wonder if his dad is the only one he is spending time with out on the road. Because otherwise - why would he want that? To be free with no attachments to spend time w/ abandon with his father? Nothing wrong with wanting to be around your family - but if that is the reason he wants to drive you away, something very off about that. Anyway - just some things to think about. I dont' know what I will do. I know my husband doesn't want to divorce. I've talked to him about it. He has expressed that he thinks everything is fine. He writes me little notes before he leaves and on sunday night he wrote me a note that "Sunday was great" and I feel like he is so out of touch because NO, it wasn't great. It was upseting and heartbreaking that he lied to me. Very unsettling. Like he's not acknowledging that he hurt me. Yesterday he came home (bad storms so he had a day off) and it was a nice suprise. I got off work early (we closed because of the snow) and so we had about four hours to spend together before he had to leave again. Well after talking to me for about five minutes he stretched out on our loveseat (no room for me) and fell asleep. No interaction, no communication, nothing. This time I didn't feel detached, I just cried. I feel like screaming "pay attention to me!" Its like I am just begging for a little bit of affection and attention.
whichwayisup Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 If this was just about him re-gifting and lying about it, that's one thing - It's stupid, and kind of funny because he got busted...I would tell you not to worry about it and just let it go - BUT - Because of his past behaviour with his ex, there obviously is trust issues that have come up again - A trigger which has set you off. HE is being unreasonable by getting mad at you. I say lay it all out for him. IN a letter and let him sit beside you and read it. Show him your emotions. TELL him this: Well after talking to me for about five minutes he stretched out on our loveseat (no room for me) and fell asleep. No interaction, no communication, nothing. This time I didn't feel detached, I just cried. I feel like screaming "pay attention to me!" Its like I am just begging for a little bit of affection and attention. TELL HIM how it makes you feel when he does X, Y or Z. How unloved you feel by him. Maybe it will wake him up and you two can do some marriage counselling.
carrot10 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Your story sounds EXACTLY like what I went through for 15 years!!! My ex husband is a sales rep with a major company. He travels 20 days out of the month and then needed to go on "trips" to relax. His company would send him to Austrailia, Hawaii, costa Rica etc.. Here I was in small town nowhere with a small child and 3 dogs. I begged him to quit his job but he wouldn't. I also got the "I was going to buy you something while I was in blah blah blah but I didn't have time" Needless to say, I packed my bags in 2005 and left. By far the BEST decision I made for myself. I spent so much time resenting him that I lost focus on myself. but I got it back. I'm not saying that's what you should do but my advice would be to look at what you want out of life and relationship. You don't say if you have kids but that makes things way harder. Really think how this will be 10 years from now. I was 21 when I met my ex. So basically I was in a relationship alone until I was 35. YIKES Thank God I worked out alot while he was gone so I still hold my own in the dating world:)
BlueHaiku Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 You need to decide what your deal-breakers are. If it is a deal-breaker for him to continue to work on the road away from hom, you need to tell him that clearly. I would personally go for an unemotional but honest approach. No yelling or accusing or tears, just something along the lines of "I understand your desire to be with you dad, but for this marriage to succeed I need you here - it's time for you to make a choice."
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