cicada Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Well , all the stress in my home when it comes to my teenager and me and my husband has just done it's thing. My husband and I have decided to seperate. I know this is the best thing because things were just getting worse around here. my husband aggitation increases with every argument i have with my teenager. we have decided to seperate but it hurts soooo much . I am not balling but i am sure i will .my husband almost looks relieved to leave. I am sure he has had enough of things. He said that he just lives here there is no joy here. I have to agree . only my youngest child puts a smile on my face . I tried to work things out but I cant controll the teenager and that has just become such a problem or I should say it has just worsened my husband and my relationship. we both know its the right thing but it hurts so badly . I feel so alone and i am shaking. i feel bad for my youngest and my teenager is just full of attitude still . I feel overwhlemed and afraid to handle my teenager on my own . i told my husband that i needed his support but everytime i asked him he snapped saying he was sick of the disfunction as if I had some controll over what was going on . my husband just wasnt there , and is not willing to work together as a family . I guess he just stopped loving me and the only reason he was staying was for my kindergardener. he was starting to make threats to me physical but has never acted on them bu tthat is why i feel we need to be apart . doesnt help me feel less sad though. I am still in shock , with Valentines day a few days away i am crushed. i stil want to hold my husband to sooth myself but i know he doesnt really love me so what s the point. I just dont know how to handle this . I am so afraid . afraid of how my teenager will be when my husband is gone , i am afraid how my kindergardener will be when his daddy isnt here anymore. and the lonely nights for me too , what will i do ? I have no family , this is it or was. I am starting a new job on saturday that i was really happy about it counted on my husband to watch my toddler and now i dont know what is happening . i think he still will but ... I am just really depressed. How do I get through this ? how ? I feel really alone . my kindergardener is my only light and he loves dad. :( . what really hurts is that my husband seems to be more concerned about moving out and finding a place then he is about our relationship being over. I understand but this is a no win situation . I feel really alone and i need help. we have been having troubles for years , i thought we were working on things but it seems that only i have been trying . he has not. I dont want to make this too long it probobly is already but I need someone to be here for me , I am totally falling apart. 2 days ago i was wondering what we were going to do for Valentines day .. today it's over. help me .
Curmudgeon Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Well , all the stress in my home when it comes to my teenager and me and my husband has just done it's thing. help me . Why are you letting a teenager, who will likely be leaving the home soon enough anyway, dictate your life and ruin your marriage? When the little reprobate ages up to adulthood and either moves out of you throw him out, you'll be left with your youngest and no husband. Children you have. Spouses you choose. Child come, grow and go. Spouses can endure. To me there's no choice in the matter. The child either straightens up and flies right or the child has to go whether it's a juvenile camp, juvenile hall or some residential treatment facility. No child should have the power and control over their parent(s) and the home. You do them a grave disservice to permit it.
marlena Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Curm, With all due respect, I do not thing the teenager is the cause of all the trouble in their marriage. If he were a decent man and loved his wife, he would help her with these problems and not walk away from them. To me, it sounds like he wants out of the marriage and is using the problems with the teenager as an excuse. However, the thing that worries me most, apart from his renunciating his family, is his threats to physically hurt the OP. Cicada, You are in pain and this is normal. Try to toughen up a bit and put your well-being and your children's above this man who is taking the coward's way out. Many people bring up happy,healthy children alone. You can do it too. Set your mind on it. Prove your worth to yourself and give your children a mother than can admire one day. Marlena
Kasan Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I am so sorry to hear the update about your situation. I also agree with Curmudgeon about your son running off your husband. You have stated in your other thread that your son is almost 18 years old and a binge eater who rules your house. I can't remember exactly, but aren't there emotional issues with your son also? You said there were anger issues when your son wasn't allowed to eat when he wanted to... ie temper tantrums. You are allowing this almost adult to ruin your marriage. Your husband in an awkward position as this isn't his biological child. I can only guess at the frustration that all of you are feeling. This marriage can be saved, but your issues with your oldest son need to be resolved ASAP. Hugs to you!!!
marlena Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 he was starting to make threats to me physical but has never acted on them bu tthat is why i feel we need to be apart . Am I the only one seeing this? Who would want to save a marriage with a spouse who threatens to get physical? His using the child is a cop -out. At least that's the way I see it. I had a very difficult stepdaughter. Drugs, larceny, promiscuity, you name it, she had it all. She had us all on tenterhooks for three years. I never once contemplated leaving my husband back then because I still loved him. I really don't understand this "save your marriage no matter what " mentality. Must he carry out his threats before the OP realizes her husband doesn't care?
Kasan Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I really don't understand this "save your marriage no matter what " mentality. I think the OP's marriage was pretty good until her son started to have problems. If you go back and read her thread you will see that her son has caused tremendous stress on the marriage and she came to LS seeking advice on what to do. I firmly believe that once her son's issues are resolved, then the marriage will be okay, so in my mind it's not in the same league as "save your marriage no matter what."
sketcher9015 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 i gave up my children 'sort of' for him they don't care for him and will never visit me where i live, but i would do it all over again. they are all married and live in different state i even have one in europe
Curmudgeon Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 However, the thing that worries me most, apart from his renunciating his family, is his threats to physically hurt the OP. There's no excuse, whatsoever, for that. It would seem that frustration levels are high all around. However, I still think the teenager holds too much sway. The OP says she's afraid to handle him on her own and believe me, the child knows it. Cicada, I'm truly sorry you're all going through this but someone needs to get a grip, take charge and set a course all can follow. If it's not your husband then it will fall to you. There are worse things than lonely nights. One of them is living in fear.
marlena Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I firmly believe that once her son's issues are resolved, He should be there to help her resolve those issues. This is what love and marriage is all about, don't you think? You just don't walk away when the going gets rough. Nor to you threaten to beat some one up. Sorry but that's how I see it.
Curmudgeon Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I really don't understand this "save your marriage no matter what " mentality. Must he carry out his threats before the OP realizes her husband doesn't care? I certainly don't subscribe to a "save your marriage no matter what" philosophy. If I did, I'd likely still be married to the ex. That's too awful to contemplate! I think it possible he's at his wit's end and is lashing out verbally out of frustration? He probably has no iontention of following-through with the threats but he'd probably be more than happy to knock overly corpulant, attitude-ridden teen on his ass. I know I would! I think that all too often, in blended families that don't really blend, one or the other partner gives up too soon and dissolves the marriage because of the children. A very few years later the children are off on their own, doing their own thing without a look back and there are two very lonely adults left on opposite sides of the divide. My wife's two daughters hated me for years primarily just because I married her and wasn't their father. For the most part, they've gotten over it. My children didn't like my wife either at first but now they more than merely accept her. If this marriage ever goes south it will NOT be because of children.
marlena Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 There are worse things than lonely nights. One of them is living in fear. Couldn't agree more. Cicada, I was just wondering if your teenager's reactions are not somehow related to his feelings for your husband. Has he been a good stepfather?
Curmudgeon Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 He should be there to help her resolve those issues. This is what love and marriage is all about, don't you think? You just don't walk away when the going gets rough. Nor to you threaten to beat some one up. Sorry but that's how I see it. ...speaks to just that. You and I are on the same page, Marlena, in terms of what is or is not appropriate behavior or just cause to dissolve a marriage. Walking away when the going gets tough is pandemic and why the divorce rate is so high.
marlena Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 i told my husband that i needed his support but everytime i asked him he snapped saying he was sick of the disfunction as if I had some controll over what was going on . my husband just wasnt there , and is not willing to work together as a family . I guess he just stopped loving me and the only reason he was staying was for my kindergardener. he was starting to make threats to me physical but has never acted on them bu tthat is why i feel we need to be apart . doesnt help me feel less sad though. Cicada, Truly I am sorry for this. You asked for his support, patience and love and he selfishly only thinks of his own joy or happiness. Which of course he has the right to do. But seriously, would you want to be with a man who blames you for your son's behaviour and offers no support and comfort? I know all about your sadness. For your sake, I hope he comes to his senses and realizes his love for you and lives up to his role as a stepfather. After all, he knew you had a child from another marriage. He knew what he was getting himself into before he married you. He also knows that one day that teenager will leave home and it will be just the two of you. If he really wanted to keep the family together, he could see the both of you through this instead of acting like a selfish child himself. After all, you have done nothing to hurt him. I am a teacher and have a deep understanding and love for children. I may be wrong but could your son/daughter be sensing something that you are not? Wish I didn't have to ask you all this. I promise I will go back and read your posts. I was a stepmother to a belligerent, full of hatred 15 year old. My own daughter was two at the time. I could write a book on the experience. But i never once thought of leaving my husband because of her. I left for other reasons. Instead, because I loved my husband, I did everything in my power to help the poor girl! You've raked up a few memories, I must say. Hang in there. Marlena
Author cicada Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 my teen is angry and blames me for alot of things , some are my fault some are not . such as moving alot , we did and it wassnt good for my teen . I told my teen it was a mistake that i was so sorry i was just trying to have the best for us . He wont forgive and is very angry , he gained alot of weight and blames me for it saying he wouldnt be so unhappy and overweight if we didnt move. I told him it may have been a mistake but your weight issues are your own doing , i encourage him that he can lose the weight but he lashes out saying it's too late and its my fault. last night we were just hanging out and then he brought this up again I told him it wasnt my fault .. next thing you know he went into the bathroom and punch the wall . so my husband was on the couch , he was like what the #&% is going on !? i toldhim the situation and then he got all clammed up and got angry with me telling me he was going to hurt me , he said cant handle this disfunctional house. at that point something in my head said this is it . this is not normal i cant manage this . I told him please stay calm , can you just watch your young son while i deal with the teen . it was like 0 support from him and i had to worry about 2 people at that point . I know this cant work . i dont want to be with someone who intimidates me and i surely dont want things to escalate into something much worse. My teenager isnt the cause of my marriage troubles but he surely doesnt help but i guess he isnt supposed to right . the problem is my husband and i cant communicate anymore. . i try and he shuts down . and if I push an issue that i am concerned about he tells me to shut up already. I am sick of feeling so alone here. and I dont want my young son to learn that this is ok . so I know that seperating is the right thing for us . to try to be friends so that we can support each other still for the benefit of our youngest, even though we may live apart. . he loves his son but that doesnt help with communication . if he doesnt want to discuss something thats it . My teenager is very angry big guy , acts ok sometimes but i am soooo overwhelmed right now. did i mention i dont have family ? this is it , my 2 kids and my husband . I just dont want to be sad anymore i felt like this whole year ... not a day when i was truly happy . that is rough and is not natural . i am a positive friendly person but my teen and my husband really are so negative that it really drains all the happiness out of me . i know i cant live like this anymore . It was to the point where one of them had to go , it is too much for me to handle. i feel some relief actually by the tought of my husband leaving but i am still really sad , scared , and just feel like i am falling apart. I dont know how my teen will react or how he will be with me once my husband is gone. I put a 100 % into this marriage , practically walked on eggshells to keep my husband and teenager happy . I just cant do it anymore. I dont want to be alone but when i think about it , i was alone anyway . my post is getting long again isnt it ... sorry . I am really just not handling this .. i am trying to see the positive side to this but i still feel alot of pain and anxiety . sometimes i just wish it was just me and my kindergardener. it hurts so much i dont know what to do anymore and i start this job this weekend ? i am so distraught .
Jade 02 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hi cicada Well I guess you and I are having the same exact feelings right now,because I also am scared,and afraid. As my hub was leaving,I started to feel less afraid,because mine too raised his hand to me this am. So I do hope you at least feel a lil safer that he (your hubby) is out the house right now. I know the pain still is there tho. I hate we have to go threw this. ((((cicada)))) Jade
Author cicada Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Hi cicada Well I guess you and I are having the same exact feelings right now,because I also am scared,and afraid. As my hub was leaving,I started to feel less afraid,because mine too raised his hand to me this am. So I do hope you at least feel a lil safer that he (your hubby) is out the house right now. I know the pain still is there tho. I hate we have to go threw this. ((((cicada)))) Jade ty for your support , my husband hasn't hurt me physically yet , just threats but i surely dont want them to escalate. he hasn't left my house yet either . it is going to take maybe a few weeks for him to make money for his first and last months rent . we are not arguing .This hurts me so much , my heart is broken . we can support each other that is for sure. we need to . and we will . seperation and divorse has got to be one of the worse things that happen to people. I so hope that you are alright , I am so sorry that happened to you . in the end i think as much sorrow as we have , i think we will be much better off . It will just take time for us to heal from all the sadness , hurt and such . I dont know how I am going to get through this . I am still a wreck . crying in front of strangers and such because something reminded you of something you had before ... it is awfull . I usually take off before people see that i am crying but this is one of the most difficult times in my life and I am sure one of yours. ((((Jade))))
Author cicada Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 my heart is broken . we can support each other that is for sure. we need to I meant that to mean you and me jade and others not my husband and I although my husband and I are trying to remain friends. Still I am crushed .
Author cicada Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 (edited) o, what happened to your older sons father? We broke up never married. we were only together for a short time before i became pregnant. He wasnt a good guy but i left him and took care of my son . i have never seen him after I left him and that is just fine with me since he was really a bad guy . I wanted a better life for my first son. His biological father was a much scarier person then I ever could imagine so I cut ties when my older son was like 1 years old. I met my current husband that I am seperating from when my older son was around 2. I cant quite remember but it was when my older son was still very young. Edited February 13, 2008 by cicada
Arch Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 We broke up never married. we were only together for a short time before i became pregnant. He wasnt a good guy but i left him and took care of my son . i have never seen him and that is just fine with me since he was really a bad guy . I wanted a better life for my first son. His biological father was a much scarier person then I ever could imagine so I cut ties when my older son was like 1 years old. I met my current husband that I am seperating from when my older son was around 2. I cant quite remember but it was when my older son was still very young. hmmm, Thats part of your sons problem. I am sorry you ended up in this bad situation, I don't suppose you tried any type of therapy to address your husbands problems? does your (ex)husband and son get along? or do they just ignore each other? Don't blame your son for any of this and I am sure your not but its not his problem.
Author cicada Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 hmmm, Thats part of your sons problem. I am sorry you ended up in this bad situation, I don't suppose you tried any type of therapy to address your husbands problems? does your (ex)husband and son get along? or do they just ignore each other? Don't blame your son for any of this and I am sure your not but its not his problem. i dont blame my son for my husband and my seperation. and I have not seen his bioligical since i broke up with him and my husband is the only father figure he has known. they got along pretty well but lately they dont talk. the past 2 weeks ,since my husband put his foot down about my son's behavior and told my son that it was not acceptable behavior . my teen got mad and hasnt spoken to my husband . that is that story , my husband's problem is me . that is what he says . no therapy , my husband just wont do that and that is why we are seperating cause it isnt getting better and I cant change him , people wont change unless they want to . i have learned that but it still hurts so much .
Author cicada Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 SO , Valentines day .. the worst day of the year next to the winter holidays for seperation or divorse. all day long i have been absolutely heartbroken by all the heart shape balloons and the news reporting about long lasting married couples. sigh ~ it is amazing i didnt just flat out cry all day long .
Author cicada Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 my husband is still here , and doesnt seem to want to leave now .. but who knows , he is so moody lately . sometimes i just get tired of all the ups and downs. I dont understand him , other then i think he is very selfish person , everything is fine as long as he doesnt get stressed out . sometimes i think he is such a punk . and not really a man's man cause he can't handle stress so I have to ? that is so lame . but dealing with this hurts less then trying to deal with him leaving right now . especially with my troubled teen and my cute toddler. although my husband doesnt do anything or say anything to my teen anymore... he is still a good dad to his son , my youngest.
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