Why Expose?

[foreverchanged]

Hello, I am curious about the reasons the OP exposes the affair? Is it to end it? Or is there hope that the BS will kick the WS to the curb and the OP has a better chance? Or do they just get tired of the drama.

Thanks

[GreenEyedLady]

I've never exposed and I usually advise not to expose...

 

But it seems like there's usually 2 reasons:

 

1) Revenge

 

2) To completely burn the bridge so that contact with MM is completely impossible

 

I don't think that many OP's expose thinking that W will kick out MM and he'll go running to her. As soon as the W is told, it becomes a competition. One that she usually has home field advantage on...KWIM?

[9Lives]

Hello, I am curious about the reasons the OP exposes the affair? Is it to end it? Or is there hope that the BS will kick the WS to the curb and the OP has a better chance? Or do they just get tired of the drama.

Thanks

 

It can be out of anger sometimes too. If you find out he being lying or not upfront...it can make you snap!!

[Owl]

Exposure is rarely part of the OP's "toolkit".

 

Its most commonly used by the BS to put pressure on the WS to end the affair. Affairs are rarely as much fun when everyone knows and disapproves of them. When everyone is putting pressure on you to stop the cheating, and are trying to make you think of the long term consequences of what you're doing (something that the WS's are notorious for NOT doing most times)...its a lot harder to keep the affair going when everyone is watching, asking you what you're doing. It takes a lot of the 'thrill' out of it then.

 

As far as OP 'exposing'...sometimes, it is revenge. They want to lash out and hurt the WS for choosing their spouse over them...or for not leaving their spouse when they promised, etc...

 

Sometimes, its honest guilt and remorse. They feel bad for what they've done...they truly want to apologize. The guilt, the sneaking around...it wears on them and they want to do something about it.

 

Sometimes its to force a change to a situation that's gone on for too long. They want the affair to end...one way or another. And they know that if they don't do something, the WS will just stay on the fence, enjoying the best of both for as long as the WS can.

 

I miss anything?

[OWoman]

Affairs are rarely as much fun when everyone knows and disapproves of them. When everyone is putting pressure on you to stop the cheating, and are trying to make you think of the long term consequences of what you're doing (something that the WS's are notorious for NOT doing most times)...its a lot harder to keep the affair going when everyone is watching, asking you what you're doing. It takes a lot of the 'thrill' out of it then.

 

Owl I think that's a very context-dependent tactic - it relies on there being an environment of disapproval and censure. If the WS's social circle / family / professional environment is not disapproving then that wouldn't achieve very much, aside - possibly - from isolating the BS who'd be seen to be making a big deal out of a private matter best kept private. I've seen that happen in a work context, where we all received groupmails from a colleague's wife telling us about his A with some woman from their church. Most people simply deleted it in horrified embarrassment, but a few mailed his W back telling her in no uncertain terms to keep her private life to herself and stop her harassment or face an interdict. It earned sympathy for the colleague for having such a controlling W, and the freezing out of her from the dinner party circuit. But I imagine in a conservative environment the results could be quite different.

 

As an OW, exposure has always seemed to me to be counterproductive. If the A is a hidden one, then the exposure will likely lead to its demise. If the A is hidden only from the W, then the disclosure to the W would best be handled by the MM. If the intention is to end the A, why not simply end it by dumping the MM, as one would end any other R?

 

I'm sure OW who do expose the A have their reasons, and in their shoes perhaps I'd feel as they do, but from where I stand I can't see that it's something I'd elect to do.

[Owl]

Owl I think that's a very context-dependent tactic - it relies on there being an environment of disapproval and censure. If the WS's social circle / family / professional environment is not disapproving then that wouldn't achieve very much, aside - possibly - from isolating the BS who'd be seen to be making a big deal out of a private matter best kept private. I've seen that happen in a work context, where we all received groupmails from a colleague's wife telling us about his A with some woman from their church. Most people simply deleted it in horrified embarrassment, but a few mailed his W back telling her in no uncertain terms to keep her private life to herself and stop her harassment or face an interdict. It earned sympathy for the colleague for having such a controlling W, and the freezing out of her from the dinner party circuit. But I imagine in a conservative environment the results could be quite different.

 

I can agree with you. But if they're being counseled by someone who has a good understanding of how to use exposure, or if they stop and think when they do the exposure, they'll actually target the people that are most effective to expose to.

 

Case in point...when my wife was engaged in her EA, I exposed to my family and hers. I didn't waste my time exposing to her online friends, or her female "real life" friends. I knew that they would likely support the affair...or at least tell her to do her own thing.

 

Instead, I exposed to my family, primarily for my own support, and also because I knew that she still cared about their opinion of her.

 

I also exposed to her sister...who I knew would be a staunch supporter of our marriage.

 

It had precisely the effect I intended. It made her stop and think...for the first time in days. She realized that her SISTER...who has supported her emotionally for years...did not in any way condone what she was doing. That her SISTER was actually in agreemant with me, rather than her.

 

It made her stop and consider...for a moment...what she was doing, and what the potential long-term results were going to be.

 

That's exactly what I needed.

 

Oh...and our kids knew too, because if she was going to leave me for him, she was going to be the one to explain that to them. I insisted that she sit down with them on d-day and do so. Our daughter (17 at the time) was disgusted and horrified with what she was doing. All of them made it clear that they would NOT accept OM into their lives...completely without any prompting or coaching from me at all. I wasn't even in the house when she broke it to them.

 

They also refused to let my wife sit and IM with OM all day after d-day (summer break started the week after d-day). They made her very uncomfortable with continuing her affair.

 

So...a targeted exposure can do exactly this.

 

What might have happened if that BW you described who sent an email to his office workers had instead sent a certified copy of inappropriate emails/IM's from company computers/accounts to the director of HR and other executives in the company?

[OWoman]

What might have happened if that BW you described who sent an email to his office workers had instead sent a certified copy of inappropriate emails/IM's from company computers/accounts to the director of HR and other executives in the company?

 

In this case, Owl, nothing - it's perfectly within company policy to use facilities for private communication (just not for commercial gain, like running a private consulting business from your office). Privacy and freedom of expression are big here. There are all kinds of policies in place to protect that - owing to the sensitive nature of much of our work - and whole committees of very senior people have to agree by consensus to approve anyone from IT accessing anyone's email account or user data, under strictly supervised conditions, and only under extreme conditions such as being ordered by the court as part of a criminal investigation. Though I take your point in a more general sense - had it been something along the lines of "bringing the company into disrepute" there'd have been consequences for sure!

[GreenEyedLady]

I think exposure from the BS is also to get people to choose sides and try to get their WS in line with peer pressure...

[Owl]

I think exposure from the BS is also to get people to choose sides and try to get their WS in line with peer pressure...

 

You're absolutely right.

 

Here's the thing...while I know you won't agree, most people who aren't in an affair likely WILL agree that its "shameful" to carry on an affair. Its wrong...its a violation of the vows that most couples made.

 

No one likes being recognized and identified as a cheater. They'd love to gloss it all over with other pretty names and rationalizations...but at the end of the day, it is what it is. And the vast majority of WS's out there don't want their friends and family to "find out" before they can conduct all kinds of damage control and spin...

 

So exposure WORKS just like you said above. It prevents them from trying to dress a pig up as a princess, and gets the truth out there.

 

After that...it IS peer pressure. You won't get any arguments from me on that.

 

And a lot of the time...it works. That's why people do it in the first place.

[lost4ever]

As an xOW I will tell.

Not for revenage

Not because I want them to D (I don't think they will)

but because he is a pig, he did this many times in the past, he will do it many times in the future.

She needs to know what he is doing behind her back.

The escorts, the cheating, the strippers, the drugs.....and then sits in church on Sunday morning.

She needs to know he might bring home something awful.

She needs to know how he talks about the M and her

 

and he needs to know that some women are not afraid of the stupid mistakes they made by listening to his lies, and will tell his wife what kind of man he really is.

 

I would have let it all go, just like the 4 before me...until I found out there was 4 before me, and that don't include the strippers and escorts!!

 

I HATE THAT MAN!!! (so I guess it's a little bit of anger too)

[lost4ever]

That sounded bitter, really I just want him to have to face his actions at some point in his life

Edited February 12, 2008 by lost4ever
Double post

[openingup]

Two words: anger and revenge. Even the threat can make an OW feel better. After all, the MM may not have fully considered the ramifications of pissing off/breaking the heart of the one person who can ruin his life with a single phone call because he thinks he has her pegged (i.e. "she wouldn't want to ruin the friendship", "she couldn't stand to hurt me or my family that way" etc.)

[Trimmer]

As an xOW I will tell.

Not for revenage

Not because I want them to D (I don't think they will)

but because he is a pig, he did this many times in the past, he will do it many times in the future.

She needs to know what he is doing behind her back.

The escorts, the cheating, the strippers, the drugs.....and then sits in church on Sunday morning.

She needs to know he might bring home something awful.

She needs to know how he talks about the M and her

 

and he needs to know that some women are not afraid of the stupid mistakes they made by listening to his lies, and will tell his wife what kind of man he really is.

 

I would have let it all go, just like the 4 before me...until I found out there was 4 before me, and that don't include the strippers and escorts!!

 

I HATE THAT MAN!!! (so I guess it's a little bit of anger too)

Lost - how is that not revenge? You enjoyed his company and intimacy when you had one image of him, and then when you discovered that image to be a fabrication, you want to strike back at him in response. I'm not discrediting your reasons - they seem quite understandable - it's just that it does sound a lot like revenge.

 

And if your response is "well, his wife deserves to know"... She didn't deserve to know as long as you had the relationship that fit your needs; it was only when that fell apart that you found his behavior to be so shoddy.

 

Cheating on her with you was OK; but cheating on her with others is the lowest of low, and deserves to be exposed?

 

I'm not trying to put you down; I hear what you are saying. It just sounds like revenge. It's OK; don't be afraid to own it...

[lost4ever]

Cheating on her with you was OK; but cheating on her with others is the lowest of low, and deserves to be exposed?

 

 

Cheating on wife with me was not OK, (Cheating on my H was not OK, either)

 

But, there is a HUGE difference between falling in love (or thinking you did) with someone and cheating with every/anything you can get your hands on....

 

and, I am not disputing the fact that there is some anger...As far as She didn't need to know when I was doing it...She did need to know, from what I understood He was in the middle of a seperation, just as I was. It was best if the A was not brought to light until after the divorce was final....

 

My understand of the situation was never...I will not leave my wife, I am just here to get some.

[juliegeraci]

It was devasting to feel the pain for my spouse and all the pain "I" had put myself through selfishly. I remember the day and where I was when I just broke down crying and told him everything. Since that day, the healing started. I really believe that if you come clean it can help mend the marriage. My secret wasn't worth keeping any longer. Thankfully my husband forgave me.

[child_of_isis]

At the end of the day...I think it all boils down to truth.

 

Even if OW tells out of anger/revenge...it is because she has found out the truth about MM.

 

Even if BS tells to get WS "in line"...it is because she/he has found out the truth.

[Trimmer]

Cheating on her with you was OK; but cheating on her with others is the lowest of low, and deserves to be exposed?

 

 

Cheating on wife with me was not OK, (Cheating on my H was not OK, either)

 

But, there is a HUGE difference between falling in love (or thinking you did) with someone and cheating with every/anything you can get your hands on....

 

and, I am not disputing the fact that there is some anger...As far as She didn't need to know when I was doing it...She did need to know, from what I understood He was in the middle of a seperation, just as I was. It was best if the A was not brought to light until after the divorce was final....

 

My understand of the situation was never...I will not leave my wife, I am just here to get some.

 

I undertand better now - thanks for the context.

 

- T