leftinthedark Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Hello, Nice to meet everyone. Been reading this forum and hoping to get some help on my situation. I started seeing my ex a year and a half ago. We are both in our late 30's. When I met him it was instant attraction. I lived a few hours away from him so I couldn't see him as much as I wanted to. It was about 4 months into the relationship when he told me he had a live in girlfriend. (I would never have dated him if I had known that) The problem was, by then, I was already attached to him. Just crazy about him. Of course he gave me the usual, (he's not happy, the relationship is dead, he just feels bad for her, she has no one, etc) Because of that situation, every few months, I would break it off with him. I felt I was falling deeper and deeper in love with him and he couldn't promise me anything, in fact he would tell me I'm sorry, I'm just not where you are at yet. (Emotionally) But everytime I would break it off with him, he'd contact me within 10 days. It was so hard to say no to him cause I was in pain of course. So I always took him back. The final time was about when we were seeing eachother for a year. I had told him I loved him and he told me he was sorry but didn't feel that strongly for me. So I told him it's over for good and I moved out of the state. (Something I was wanting to do but I was staying put, hoping things would evolve with us) once I realized that wasn't going to happen I moved very far away to be with my family and start my life over. Of course, wouldn't you know, he contacted me about two weeks later telling me he thinks he screwed up, wished he had given me what I needed when I was there, blah blah blah. We made an agreement that we would "date" and see what happens, he said he would tell his live in gf to leave, that he wasn't in love with her anymore. We were only able to see eachother one time since I moved, he really seemed to put an effort in though this time. He came to visit me, we had a great time, he was very attentive and told me he loved me for the first time. The long distance and the situation still put a toll on me though. He was being awesome to me though, really paying alot of attention to me, we would speak for hours each day and he really opened up to me. When I would tell him that I'm worried cause were so far away, he would tell me not to worry at all cause I have a part of him even his ex wife of many years never had. ( A deep trust and bond) even telling me some secrets he felt he needed to share with me before we took the relationship to another level. (Things even his own family does not know) Back in October, his live in asked him what was going on, he ended up telling her that he wasn't in love anymore and wanted to split up. She didn't take it too well and was naturally giving him a hard time. (I felt bad for her and was torn cause I felt bad for me too) But the relationship between us was still great. He asked me If I'd move back over there and move in with him, we even planned to start a family. By December right when he live in (ex by now) was looking for a new place to live, she decided to check his PC and found alot of information about the two of us as a couple. She now knew that he was seeing someone else. She freaked. They were arguing constantly, the fights got so bad that he went and stayed at his brothers house for a week. But he had to go home to get a change of clothing and some other personal items. When he went home to do that, they ended up in a huge fight and she called the police on him. (He's not violent at all) and he didn't hit her but she claimed he did. (She was actually trying to hit him by throwing things at him and trying to provoke him to hit her) It was after this incident that he started to pull away from me. Wasn't calling me as much, texting or Im'ing me like he was. Before this happened we were planning for me to take a trip to him in January. He was to pay for my airfare. After the day came and went that I was to see him, I asked him online what the deal was. (I was already upset because he wasn't paying as much attention to me) He told me he was sorry but he didn't get my ticket yet cause he wanted to keep an eye on her as she was constantly fighting with him and trying to provoke him and he didn't want to jeopardize his career as you can not have any charges against you in the work he does. I kept pushing him for answers though cause I was feeling really emotional, telling him I understand but when do you want to see eachother then? He just kept going on saying that he's sorry he's just been really stressed these last three months because of the situation. But that's all he would say, he wouldn't say butttttttt i hope to see you by this time, etc.. So I said you're not really telling me anything here except that you are very stressed, if you tell me that you still feel the same about me and our plans are still on I will wait patiently but you aren't saying anything? With that he finally said to me, well, all my friends are driving me crazy telling me I must be crazy to move one out and move another in, that I should take a break. I got upset with this of course and said isn't it what you want? if its that easy to sway your feelings for me I don't want to see you then. He said no, I'm not saying that, I'm just saying I'm tired of hearing it from everyone. But after more pushing and back and forth he said to me, Well, I have been thinking these last few days, You and I have never even spent a full two weeks together, is it love or lust I feel for you? But I still want to see you. That killed me, It's a year and a half and hours upon hours of time spent together in person and talking every day that we weren't together, and he again is unsure of his feelings for me? I told him not to contact me anymore. But by the next day after calming down I tried to see it from his point of view and I shot him an email apologizing for hounding him when he already was completely stressed out and trying to explain that to me. I then said I understand if you feel if it's too soon to move in together and I still want to see him when everything is calmed down. He sent me a text telling me he got my message and thank you xoxo, he then logged on that night and IM'd me. He said thank you for understanding, I just didn't think it was fair to you, I didn't want to bring you down in all of this and I couldn't promise you when I'll get through all of this. He then said she was moving out in 5 days and had her own apartment. He said he just wants some time to himself, he wants to relax after all of this stress and visit his family, take some time to himself, etc. I asked him if he planned on dating and he said no. I thought he was just trying to tell me that he wanted to continue to date when everything settles down, he was even a little flirty and called me baby when he said good night. But that was the last time I heard from him. Almost Three weeks ago. He even deleted some of his online accounts and didn't even sign on at all in this entire time except once about three days ago and he quickly signed off. He's never once broken up with me, it was always me that would end it and he always came back around to try to make up. This is the first time that he's ended it, at least looks like it! He's never gone this long without talking to me either. I'm in shock and so hurt. I can't believe he didn't make it clear that he doesn't want to see me at all, he didn't make it clear that he wanted to end the relationship, there was definately a misunderstanding in our convo, or he just didn't want to be upfront about it. The ironic part is that I waited over a year for him to feel that way for me and a year and a half for him to be free and date me properly and give us the right chance and now that she is actually gone, he dumps me out of the blue too? We got along so well and only two weeks before all that happened he was telling me how excited he was to see me again and be together. I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here. I had already decided to go NC after our last IM when I still thought everything was ok just to give him his space and leave him alone to deal with his issues. I didn't realize he was going to go NC with me too though! And what seems to be permanately. Wish I got that news flash. I'm trying to decide if it's just the huge amount of stress he's dealing with between his situation and his friends interfering or if something else has happened or he really doesn't care at all about me and I've just been used for the last year and a 1/2? I feel sick and heart broken. I miss him like crazy and I am totally lost as to what I should do or if there is even anything I can do at this point? Can anyone offer any insight here please?
DawnNC27 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Well, in my opinion I think he realizes he's in over his head. I mean, he already had a girlfriend and had been seeing you at the same time (unfaithful..red flag), then he got caught, had the police called on him, which in turn risked his job. Very stressful time for him I imagine...but he brought it all on himself. I'm thinking that the time you guys spent together, he really enjoyed, but the stress and stuff he's going through is making him reanalyze the situation. He probably just wants a clean slate and just leave the women alone for a while and get back on his own two feet. The fact that he's deleting all his online accounts is not good though. I personally have done that to avoid my ex so he couldn't contact me. I hate to say it, but I have a feeling that's what he's doing here, and he doesn't have the guts to tell you it's over. Sometimes it's easier just to avoid the break-up all together and never talk to the person again. Especially in long distance relationships. It's so much easier to end those. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I'd honestly leave this guy alone. If he wants to get back with you, I'd definitely let him be the one to call you first. Even then, don't answer but leave him hanging for a few days. Good luck to you! By the way..what is NC?
niceconfusedgirl Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 i hate to say this. but you might just be better off without this guy. he doesn't sound like a great guy, regardless of how awesome he has been to you.
prisonbreak Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 NC is no contact!!! A lot of people go NC to try to get them back, but it's to help you heal and give yourself pace and time to get yourself back!
Author leftinthedark Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 I just can't believe this has all happened. Two weeks before this happened everything was fine. I'm so stunned that he would just cut me out of his life like this. Especially because when we last talked he said he still wanted to see me. And I can't believe someone can go from being in love with you and wanting to live with you to wanting absolutely nothing to do with you in a matter of weeks! And the way he did it was so cruel...to delete screen names (except for one) but he doesn't sign on. I think it's really confusing cause we never fought, got along great and had a huge attraction to eachother, everything was fine. By him doing this the way he did, it makes me feel like I didn't even know him, like some mean person who is so repulsed by me that they have to hide. Even deleting his screen names. I was never the type to bother him if things weren't going ok, in fact I'm the queen of NC. I can do it and do do it without a problem. he knows I'm not the needy, stalker type. But him doing this has made me feel like he thinks I would have been. I think what hurts more then anything is feeling like I really don't know the truth, what really happened here? Did he make up with her? Seems unlikely as so much damage is done and she already got an apartment and the relationship didn't bring him happiness, or did he meet someone else in a short period of time, the whole time acting like he was in love with me and seeming to be? Or is it really stress? I could understand him wanting to take it slow and not rushing in to move in together after all the stress he's been dealing with but I never thought he'd actually want to completely end it with me, I NEVER saw that coming and I'm left here trying to get over it, heart broken and wondering why. Not knowing why really makes it hard.
D-Lish Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I can certainly understand why this whole change of attitude would be confusing to you. Are you sure the gf has moved out?? I think it's a big red flag that he was living with someone when he pursued a relationship with you....a really big red flag. It says he lacks integrity. It also says that he could very well do this same thing to you should you become the live in gf. When you say he is deleting screen names- do you mean he has multiple instant messaging handles? I am not sure what that means- but if that is the case, it sounds fishy and just another example of possible deceptiveness. Your entire relationship began with a big lie. He decieved you right from day one. That doesn't sound like someone you can trust for the long haul. I know you are hurting and feeling very confused at the moment, but his silence certainly says something about how he feels. I do think you have to stop having contact with him....and stick to it this time. It doesn't seem as if he follows through on anything he says he is going to do. Also- he lives 4 hours away, so what can you actually know about what he is doing? I have dated someone who charmed the hell out of me, made multiple promises, drew me in with his charm and visions of the future.... and then turned into a completely different person. I realized after that the cold callous person was more than likely the true person, while the charming man was only a facade. The best thing you can do for yourself is move forward and begin the process of detaching from this man. I know you want to embrace the notion that he is that wonderful loving man that you had an affair with.... but it sounds like his true colours are surfacing. I am sorry you are hurt. Please don't give him the ammunition to hurt or manipulate you anymore. Do something healthy for yourself and toss this relationship out the window. He doesn't deserve you pining for him because he isn't showing you any respect. If you look back at your relationship I think you'll realize that just by living with another woman while he was dating you proves he has never truly respected or valued your feelings (or the feelings of his x-gf for that matter). I hope you can keep from having contact with him. It shouldn't be up to you to keep chasing him. That's often what men like that do... they charm you and pay copious amounts of attention to you, make you feel special.... then they take it away. When that happens it's like having a rug pulled out from beneath you, because all you want to is re-capture the initial attention. I hope things get better for you.
SaynWhatUCan't Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Do you really believe that he is not going to do the same to you?
Author leftinthedark Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 thank you Dlish, I know what you're saying and It kills me that he didn't give me a choice in the matter when we first met. Had I known he had someone else I'd of run fast in the other direction. Right now I'm going back and forth from sadness to anger. I want to beat his face in for what he's done. And Saynwhatucant, Not everyone who cheats is always a cheater. I know cause I cheated myself and I never thought I would on an ex of mine. The relationship was dead for a long time with alot of problems, I wasn't happy, in fact I was miserable and I cheated on him. Is it my nature to cheat? NO WAY, not normally but I did. Not everyone who cheats should be written off as a bad apple. We're all human and all situations are unique. Dawn, thank you for your kind advice and opinion. I'm sure anyone here who has been in a break up and is hurting does not want to hear things like "you're better off without this guy" or "he'd do it to you too" I'm an intelligent woman, Of course these things crossed my mind, but it doesn't help my feelings or hurt that I'm feeling.
Author leftinthedark Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Oh D-lish. Actually he lives on the opposite side of the world from me now that I have moved. So no, I really don't know whats up with him! He can very well still be living with her. No, he didn't have multiple screen names he had two seperate online applications one he deleted and the other one which he usually used to talk to me on is still active but he wasn't signing on at all the first two weeks. he did finally sign on once but I don't know if he has after that cause I decided to remove him from my buddy list.
SaynWhatUCan't Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 thank you Dlish, I know what you're saying and It kills me that he didn't give me a choice in the matter when we first met. Had I known he had someone else I'd of run fast in the other direction. Right now I'm going back and forth from sadness to anger. I want to beat his face in for what he's done. And Saynwhatucant, Not everyone who cheats is always a cheater. I know cause I cheated myself and I never thought I would on an ex of mine. The relationship was dead for a long time with alot of problems, I wasn't happy, in fact I was miserable and I cheated on him. Is it my nature to cheat? NO WAY, not normally but I did. Not everyone who cheats should be written off as a bad apple. We're all human and all situations are unique. Dawn, thank you for your kind advice and opinion. I'm sure anyone here who has been in a break up and is hurting does not want to hear things like "you're better off without this guy" or "he'd do it to you too" I'm an intelligent woman, Of course these things crossed my mind, but it doesn't help my feelings or hurt that I'm feeling. The question was a simple one LEFTINTHEDARK.... A cheater is a cheater, is a cheater......... A bad apple. Come on now. I know that you are hurt and I am sorry that your feelings are hurt:lmao:. u said that if you would have known that he was in a relationship then you would have ran. Well you did run. Why run back for more hurt??
Author leftinthedark Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 AND THE ANSWER WAS A SIMPLE ONE. You have your opinion and I have mine. I didn't come here for a lecture.
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