dammit, why do i feel this way?

[sandflea]

David "Dawg" Grisman! Oh how I love when people know about music. See, I actually am this massively music-obsessed dancer who always manages to find something other than Middle Eastern music to which to perform. I even took 10 years of piano lessons back in the day (ages 6 to 16) and would still play if a piano were something you could throw over your shoulder and travel the world and move with 80 million times. Or if pianos weren't the size of, like, my entire NYC apartment. Or if every apartment in my price range wasn't a walkup. Alas. (And please, nobody tell me to get a keyboard. Full-size analog or die.)

 

One of the things I miss most about Joe is how every time he came through the door I played him at least one new song and showed him the choreography I was working on. I miss having the "No, seriously, top five VU songs ever, GO!" conversation.

 

Hey, at least I didn't get dumped by young hot Syd Barrett, right? That would have sucked way more than getting dumped by Dave Gilmore. I quote what a friend of mine said after her last breakup: "The next time I date someone who thinks he's Trent Reznor, he'd better damn well be Trent Reznor."

 

Off to do some sun salutin'.

 

Atta girl. You're just transitioning between beautiful places... Enjoy the downtime, and find a new rhythm.

 

Namaste!

 

SF

[sb129]

Londoners are not ALL rude, I know that. Its just a whole lot of little communities mashed together. When its not your home, it IS difficult to feel at home here, especially if you have experienced living other places (ie your home).

 

I don't live on Oxford st either- who can afford it and who would want to? I avoid that part of town at all costs if possible- too many tourists!

 

We were comparing London to NYC though, and compared to New Yorkers Londoners are ruder. Shop assistants in New York can not do enough for you, but the ones in London dont' give a rats a** about you. Hospitality staff in NYC rely on their tips, and it shows- they are generally much friendlier and more helpful than London ones.

 

London cabbies are funnier.

London is not rude, but if you walk around with a face like a smacked ar*e you will not get the best out of it.

 

Sorry, I beg to differ. It can be very rude. And I never walk around with a face like a smacked arse, unlike some of the locals!

 

I love this town, but I hate many aspects of it at the same time. Its the biggest contradiction on the planet.

[tinktt]

[FONT=Arial]This happened Super Bowl weekend....How funny is this...I just got dumped by my boyfriend who reconnected with his old girlfriend of 20 years ago. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]We were together 6 months and were completly in love. We celebrated our 6 month anniversary at the same restaurant we had our first date, he even wore the same shirt. For the past month he was trying to talk me into meeting with his kids and moving in with him ...I was moving towards it. We had a blissful evening. The next day, he had a funeral service to attend and I had to get back to my place with the dogs. He was coming to spend the rest of the weekend with me. He could not love me enough. Wanted me to be a part of his life.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]When he got back to me, he was naturally upset from the funeral service. So we talked a bit and watched a movie, First his father called and he spoke with him a while, then he received another phone call which he took outside, After that call he was remarkedly different but I did not say anything but I knew it must have been a woman. We did not make love that night which I understood but it was the first time in 6 months that when we were together we did not. I could not sleep. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]The following morning when he woke up I asked him what was up. I told him that I suspected that his call was from a girl. He said yes that it was from this woman who broke his hear 20 years ago and that now she is getting a divorce and back in the area. I asked him if he told he he was seeing someone and he said no. I felt betrayed and angry, He said he was confused and that he did not know what he was going to do but he did not want to go to his death not knowing about what could happen with this girl. I said that in one day you are about to toss out what we are building? I said that i was not going to be the girl waiting and wondering where he was and if he was with her or not. I cried, he cried and then I got the hefty bags and began putting all his stuff in them, everything. I said that I was making the decision for him, If he could dismiss our relationship for this pipedream then good bye, also if he could deny our relationship then goodbye too...oh and when was he going to tell me of this? After he make the decision her or me? So I tossed him out and we were both crying.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Later that night he leaves me a phone message that he was sorry he upset me, that he loves me and sweet dreams. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]He did not upset me, he destroyed me. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]I called him two days later to find out what he meant by that and we talked, He feels he has to pursue her. I think he is an idiot. 20 years later, people are different, they are not the same and if she hurt him before, he is just asking for more. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]My anger is that he was the one pushing for more from me and now on a dime, he can turn away from me. So I said good bye. I know that I am devastated and hurt and angry but I will eventually get over it. And I know that whateve develops between him and her that it was begun on a lie to her that he was not in a relationship.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial] I feel crummy too, and I'm having a difficult time with this, It is only ten days ago and I still cannot eat or sleep. I miss him so much but I'd rather not have him than worry that he is with her. I only want positive energy. I will not settle for less and you should not either.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]By the way, in my heart of hearts, I had some reservations about our future - he has 5 kids ( no one with a brain has 5 kids anymore!!) under 13, he is less educated (though smart) than I am, I make more money, he comes from a totally dysfunctional family, and he drinks at least a six pack of beer a night and smokes pot alot. I overlooked a lot of that because of his personality and looks and how he made me feel. He was very romantic and the sex was great. He kept pushing me to believer that he might just be my destiny. He almost had me so I know that this happened for a reason. And it is for the best. It is better to be alone than in poor company. That is my mantra.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]And as much as I am hurting ,[/FONT]I will not ever call him again, ever. He did me a favor and one day I will really believe it.

 

 

Keep strong, babe! Remember, you deserve better. Better to be alone than in poor company.

[sedgwick]

 

We were comparing London to NYC though, and compared to New Yorkers Londoners are ruder. Shop assistants in New York can not do enough for you, but the ones in London dont' give a rats a** about you.

 

oh my god, i think store clerks in NYC are the ruuuuuuudest! i can't tell you how many times i've gone into a store and asked someone for something and had them say, "nah, we don't have it," and then i walk two aisles over and there it is. they're getting minimum wage. they're not paid enough to care.

 

now that i'm thinking about london, i'm thinking about mushy peas and apple tango and hula hoops...oh my god, the yum. and i love how your default chocolate is cadbury's. ours is hershey's. you have it so much better.

Edited February 15, 2008 by sedgwick

[NiceGirlcomeslast]

Sorry, I beg to differ. It can be very rude. And I never walk around with a face like a smacked arse, unlike some of the locals!

 

I love this town, but I hate many aspects of it at the same time. Its the biggest contradiction on the planet.

 

I think there is a big culture difference, flocking around you trying to pre-empt your every desire is not an english trait, most British people are of the opinion that if they need help they will ask for it.

 

I might be oversensitive but London is my home, I love it and I hate hearing it abused by people who are just passing through and that is not a reference to you but a reference to a lot of people a lot of my friends who are happy to take the inflated wages but complain about having to go on the tube or about there not being enough grass.

 

I guess we just have to agree to disagree, I wasn't saying you personally did walk around with a face like a smacked arse but a lot of people do, not just locals. I hope you meet some friendlier Londoners soon.

 

Oh a side note, I wanted to put myself through some pain so I text my ex asking if he had any plans for last night, I just wanted to know whether he had a date, in the end I turned out to be his date, we went for dinner and then back to his place to watch the football because the pub was "too noisy for him".

 

Someone on here said I was a glutton for punishment and maybe I am but I ended up asking him all the questions that have been going around my head and I finally got some answers. Although still as confused as ever, how can someone say how much they care about you but that you shouldn't waste your time on them. Kiss you with all the passion in the world the kind of kiss you can't fake and then beg you to give the guy you are having a date with a chance.

 

I feel like such an idiot, I was fine, I had come to believe that we were no good anyway I looked on his facebook picture and felt nothing. But being there with him I tried to see the crap but there wasn't any, well none that mattered.

 

I am an idiot and I am sorry for mini hijacking this post with my london ranting and stupid actions it's just I can't tell anyone else that I got on the stupid train again and I needed someone to know.

Edited February 15, 2008 by NiceGirlcomeslast

[sb129]

I think there is a big culture difference, flocking around you trying to pre-empt your every desire is not an english trait, most British people are of the opinion that if they need help they will ask for it.

I do ask for it. And still don't get it. And many shop assistants here aren't even British. Case in point today I went to a shop to buy three ties of the same colour for my wedding. They only had one, and that was that. I realised (this info wasn't volunteered by the assistant BTW) there was another branch not far away and asked if the shop assistant could phone to see if they would have the same ties, as I was happy to walk there- she said that they would all be at lunch. I went to the other branch, and sure enough, they had the ties, and were actually really helpful.

 

 

I might be oversensitive but London is my home, I love it and I hate hearing it abused by people who are just passing through and that is not a reference to you but a reference to a lot of people a lot of my friends who are happy to take the inflated wages but complain about having to go on the tube or about there not being enough grass.

You are over sensitive, but thats OK, I understand. I don't like people who aren't from my country slagging it off either.

I am leaving here soon, but after 6 years I don't think that counts as passing thru.

I also don't get an over-inflated wage, but the upside of that is that I CAN walk to work through a park that has heaps of grass, so my little corner of London is just fine thanks!

 

There are many things I will miss about here.

 

Anyway this is waaaaaaay off topic. How are you feeling today Sedgwick? There must be a place in NYC where expat Brits can buy Hula Hoops and Tango.

[PinkRibbon]

Hey Sedgewick how did V Day go?

[sedgwick]

I got through it, thanks. Had a bad dream last night that I found him with another girl and beat the sh*t out of him, heh. But I survived and didn't contact him. How'd you do?

[PinkRibbon]

Ok I guess. This is my first Valentines without him since our first together in 2002. Felt kinda lonely but I did stuff with my daughter. Don't you wonder if they even thought about us? It is not so much him being gone but the fact that I don't get anything. I mean did the last 6 and a half years mean nothing? I don't get it. Other people their exes come back or make contact after awhile. Nothing here and the nothingness hurts so bad. I wonder what was so bad about us and our marriage he can't even talk to me on Valentines day?

 

Sorry for rambling...it just was a little depressing trying to be strong around everyone at work and for my daughter.

 

I am tired of trying to be a strong person.

[sedgwick]

I'm tired of being strong too. I miss him so much. I never, ever, ever thought in a million years that we would just stop speaking. It felt like such a huge gift from the universe to have found each other. Even after he dumped me he talked about how he couldn't imagine not being close to me

for the rest of his life, and then one night we talked on the phone and he acted cold as ice and there's been no contact since. I haven't seen him since the morning he dumped me and walked out the door. I have no idea how he could have just walked away like that and felt nothing but what would seem to be disdain, if not outright hatred, for me.

 

I wonder if he thought about me yesterday. I'm proud I didn't get in touch. NC gets easier; I know now, after 5.5 months, that there's no way I'd contact him again. But this great void just breaks my heart over and over again every day.

[sedgwick]

Today was incredibly tough. All I wanted to do was know if he remembered last Valentine's Day. I wanted to know if he'd even thought of me once the whole day, or if he was just with someone better now.

 

I miss him so much. It hurts so much being totally ignored by the person you love most in the world. I love him so much that it's the only thing keeping me from calling -- I want to give him whatever he wants, and if it's a life free of me, then that's what I'll give. It would seem he doesn't want to be reminded of me or my love.

 

If I just had some belief that I'm not easy to replace...but I don't. I'm just embarrassed for having gone after him in the first place. I remember back before he knew I liked him, when he was sort of seeing this other girl but was still hung up on his previous ex, who had dumped him but they'd remained friends. They were still in each other's lives because they played music together. So one day I emailed him to say I was coming to see him play that night (we'd exchanged emails at this point, but that was it), and he wrote back and said, "both the current sort-of girlfriend and the ex fiddle player will be there, so you can watch me squirm." I thought, at that point, oh my god, here I am rounding out the triumvirate: the ex-gf, the current gf, and the woman waiting in line to be next. I should have known THEN, and I'm kicking myself for not walking away. Yeah, the other two girls were kind of boring and homely (as his exes have been, and I don't want to say that because I'll sound like a snob, but they were), but I should have known that he was STILL too big a rockstar, even with his jugband music, for the likes of me. I've just beat myself up to no end over that night.

 

When I first decided to let him know I liked him, I knitted him a pillow. It said, "Happy trails, [band name]." I brought it to his last gig before he went on the road for two months, and I walked up to the stage after they finished playing and handed it to him. Then he sent me an email from the road telling me he thought it was really cool that I'd made it so he thought of me every time he fell asleep. He'd broken up with the other girl by that point, and when he came back from that tour, we started dating.

 

But still, HOW COULD I NOT HAVE KNOWN he was too cool for me? Why didn't I just walk away? I mean, I've certainly never had a show attended by my ex, my current partner, and the person waiting in line to be with me next. This guy is so, so, so, SOOOOOOOOOO out of my league. Why was I so stupid? Why couldn't I see it? Why did I think I was good enough for him? WHY????????????????