dammit, why do i feel this way?

[sedgwick]

For some reason, today I'm having a terrible time not contacting him. I'm not sure if I want to beg him to come back or yell at him for what a jerk he was. Mostly I just want to know what was in it for him to lie like he did.

 

I had a long, involved dream last night that he was with one of our mutual friends. In this dream, another of my exes wanted me back, but I couldn't be with him because I'm still so in love with Joe (most recent ex.)

 

It's just so hard knowing that in his mind I'm completely worthless, and that he walked away from our breakup happy as a clam. He was crying when he left, but to me that was just another lie. The last time we spoke, after him telling me he loved me and wanted me in his life during our previous conversation, he was cold as ice. Like he wasn't sure why I couldn't understand that "things change," and that they changed overnight, and it should be as easy for me to deal with as it is for him.

 

I am quite certain that he's with someone else by now. He is gorgeous and talented and brilliant and in a band, so there's no way he could be single still. Which makes me feel even more like sh*t, because for me it's really hard to find love, and it takes a very special person to make me feel it. But for him, all she needs is a fiddle.

 

What I really want is to have him tell me I'm not TOTALLY worthless in his mind, that in some way I still have even the slightest shred of value. I don't need him to tell me that I have worth to him, even, so much as I need him to tell me that from his perspective, I have worth in the world.

 

The other day I was knitting with a friend and someone at the yarn store who's from Texas started playing old-time hillbilly music. My friend (a native New Yorker) said, "Oh my GOD, that's not what your ex plays, is it?" I said, yeah, sure is, exactly, and she said, "Okay, that doesn't count as music." Which of course isn't true, but it was kind of funny knowing that to someone else on the planet, fiddle music is not the be-all end-all reason for existence.

 

Last Monday night I skipped the bellydance class I love most of all, because I didn't feel like I had any right to do anything or enjoy anything that wasn't old-time music, since nothing else in the universe has any value in Joe's mind. I know this is nuts, but I'm having trouble convincing myself to go tonight. I'm panicking because it's two hours from now and I know I won't have any more worth in two hours than I do right now.

 

What is wrong with me? It's seven months since he dumped me and I still don't feel any better. I was invited to bellydance in this crazy freakshow circus tonight, and I know I'd have fun if I was still with my ex and he was in the audience thinking what I did was valid, but now I'm trying to come up with an excuse not to go. I just can't handle being seen by other people right now. I feel like bellydance is easy and everyone's just looking at me going, yeah, big deal, it's no fiddle.

 

A friend said to me the other night, "If I'd just sold a book to (publisher), I'd still be walking on the moon." And I feel guilty because all this book was to me was something I had to turn in in spite of being worthless and stupid and unlovable, in spite of the fact that it meant zilch to him. I remember him saying, on the day I sold it, two weeks before he dumped me, "Baby, I'm so f*cking proud of you. As soon as I get home we're going to celebrate." Apparently "celebrate" to him meant "I'm going to totally break your heart."

 

Why did he lie? Why? Did he do it just so that when he dumped me I'd see extra big time the degree to which I was mistaken in thinking I was worth loving?

Edited February 11, 2008 by sedgwick

[sb129]

Sedgwick, you need to stop beating yourself up so much.

 

I am inclined to agree with your friend- hillbilly music is NOT the be all and end all of the music world, some people (like me) who are obsessive (and diverse) music lovers aren't even sure that it counts as a genre!

 

You SHOULD be making yourself go and do the bellydancing stuff. You could surprise yourself at how therapeutic it might be. Its like when you really really don't want to go to the gym but when you drag yourself there, you end up being really glad you went.

 

I can't bellydance OR play the fiddle. And I am not a published author- well I am but it was a scientific paper from ages ago which doesn't count. I am still a worthy human being making a good contribution to society........ and SO ARE YOU>

 

Dammit woman I really want to knock some self esteem into you. I bet you are GORGEOUS. You are smart, and funny, and succeeding in YOUR field. Who gives a monkeys diddle that its not playing the fiddle?

[latefragment]

Isn't it weird how when you have a bf, or feel really in tune with your SO, then you feel all of a sudden really motivated to go out in the world and kick *ss (like you would like to tonight at this dancing event) but when someone's rejected you, you don't feel like you want to go out and do that same activity, which woudl be there where you are with your SO or not.

 

I guess there is some truth to those politicians, etc., who say, of their wives, "I couldn't have done it without her."

 

Sad, though, because what do all the single people do??? Where do they get their support from? Yes, you can give yourself support, or get support from friends and family - but is it really a good enough replacement for the support of an SO?

 

And then, the other question - why do we value the support and love of an SO - seemingly, more than the support and love of friends, or even certain family members? I don't mean "value" that is a crude way of putting it, but more like, why does it seem to take primacy ... ?

 

Sorry if this rambling isn't on topic - but your fear, apprehension and panic about attending the dance class, etc., sort of based on a mini-relapse about Joe, has touched off these very same questions I've been asking myself lately.

 

If it helps you to know, I can completely relate. I can't even find the energy or the motivation to do simple things, chores at home. (I mean I am doing them, but it takes tremendous energy because I am so sapped, and feeling so badly, about my breakup).

[sedgwick]

SB129, thank you so much...the thing is that I *did* have some modicum of self-esteem before I met him. In fact, I knew I had serious work to do on myself before i had a relationship, so I spent a year and a half in intensive therapy before I even got brave enough to speak to him. I knew how much I liked him and wanted to make sure I was at my best when I finally talked to him. I really felt that I gave the absolute best of me in this relationship. So what I learned from the whole experience is that my best is nothing. Totally not in any way whatsoever good enough. And now I can't even imagine ever opening up again, because I feel like the only reason anyone would date me or tell me they loved me is as a joke, or just to hurt me by lying to me.

 

And I am absolutely not in any way gorgeous. Just tattooed.

 

Latefragment, I feel ya. I finally managed to clean my apartment yesterday, but only because I had someone coming over. Today I went to the grocery store and did laundry, so I'm viewing all of this as progress. I didn't eat for three weeks after he dumped me, largely because I was too ashamed to leave the house and buy food. Like if I went to the supermarket, people were watching me going, "Wow, look at that fatass buying that non-aspartame yogurt. She must be too fat to even hold a fiddle under all those chins."

Edited February 11, 2008 by sedgwick

[sb129]

So what I learned from the whole experience is that my best is nothing. Totally not in any way whatsoever good enough. And now I can't even imagine ever opening up again, because I feel like the only reason anyone would date me or tell me they loved me is as a joke, or just to hurt me by lying to me.

 

And I am absolutely not in any way gorgeous. Just tattooed. .

 

Tattoos can be beautiful.

 

Note to you:

The bolded part above us UTTER BS. You know, you did your best and its wasn't enough FOR HIM. Which means its HIS problem, not yours. He is the wierdo who can't see outside his obsessive little sphere of "reality"- which is actually not how many 'normal' people live at all. I am not an artist, or a musician, and sometimes I feel really boring because of that. But I function in society, and I am capable of having meaningful Rs with a wide range of people. Which I think makes me a better person than your ex BF. He may think I am a boring non- musician automaton who pays their bills on time and is excited about lame stuff like buying wedding shoes, but one day he might need my services, because everyone has got teeth. Not everyone likes hillbilly music or even needs it.

 

Now that got a little ranty and I am not trying to compete with your ex or anything, I am just trying to show you that his perception of the rest of the world is WARPED.

 

Latefragment, I feel ya. I finally managed to clean my apartment yesterday, but only because I had someone coming over. Today I went to the grocery store and did laundry, so I'm viewing all of this as progress. I didn't eat for three weeks after he dumped me, largely because I was too ashamed to leave the house and buy food. Like if I went to the supermarket, people were watching me going, "Wow, look at that fatass buying that non-aspartame yogurt. She must be too fat to even hold a fiddle under all those chins.

 

Hello? You are heartbroken, you dance and do yoga, and if you don't go to the supermarket that often, how on earth can you be anywhere near fat enough to have chins? Aspartame is bad sh**, don't eat that stuff.

 

Are you feeling like you have been royally told off yet?

[sedgwick]

one day he might need my services, because everyone has got teeth. Not everyone likes hillbilly music or even needs it.

 

What has 13 legs and 9 teeth? An old-time festival.

[PinkRibbon]

Sedgwick can I say something with you getting upset? Ok here goes....you are so talented!!!!! You can knit, you belly dance and you grown your own tomatoes. For cryin' out loud you sold a book!! A book!!! Let me say that again...you sold a book!!! Oh my Goddess how wonderful is that?!?!?!?!?!? I couldn't sell a comic book. You travel and you went to Mexico to write!! How totally awesome is that?!! Sounds like something out a movie!! I can't imagine having such fun!

 

I work in an office that is my private office but darn is it cold in there..they never can get the heat right. Today the floor was 55 degrees. I had to have the carpet in my office ripped up because we had water leaking in it from the walls. So I cruddy linoleum over concrete for about 9 months now and I keep hearing soon soon soon. I have no windows in my office. How cruddy is that? I work 8-5 everyday helping the whiny little college bimbos my husband left me for.

 

I can't grow a decent tomato to save my life. I have killed more tomato plants. I don't knit, crochet or sew. I don't dance or have any artistic talent. I wish I could do just 1 of the things that you can do. I would love to write a book. I have vivid ideas but lack the skills to put anything to paper. You on the other hand are just oozing artistic creativity!

 

And you have done nothing but belittle and put yourself down. Why? I don't understand? Fatbutt? Do you really think that is what people are saying or the only way you can justify him leaving you? And I truly don't think people wonder if you can fiddle? I don't think most people care about fiddles. Fiddle music bites personally.

 

Seriously I am not trying to be mean but look and see what gifts you do have. So many would love to be in your situation. I know I would. I love my husband and always will but darn if I could do half the things you could do...if he left me I would say good riddance and belly dance my way to Mexico to write another book on being dumped and "Bellydancing my way through heartache with a tomato plant.";)

Edited February 12, 2008 by PinkRibbon

[sedgwick]

Ha ha ha...well, if it helps any, once the squirrels discovered my tomato plants, they were gone in two days.

 

All I can say is that if there's something you've always wanted to do, do it. Once you get over the fear of taking the first step, it's all good. When I first started thinking about moving to NYC, and how scared I was to do it, my friend who was already here said, "Sedgwick, people LIVE here." Like, they go to the grocery store, they do their laundry, they raise their families, it's not all Times Square all the time. It's not some big place just waiting to mug you. So I moved here and now it's been a decade and it's great. Can't imagine living anywhere else (except Mexico.)

 

Same with being a writer. Just start writing. Show it to as many people as possible and read it aloud in public as often as possible. Same with dancing, knitting, painting, playing music, whatever. Just think of the thing you most want that seems least possible, and then figure out how the people who have it got it, and do what they did.

[PinkRibbon]

See NYC! Me and my teenager are itching to get to NYC. All the little deli's and bakeries and artsy book stores. And I could take a belly dance class. I wanted to take belly dancing so bad but my husband was set against it. Said he would never ever come see me ever never. His mom was a bellydancer and she committed suicide when he was a small boy and that is pretty much all he remembers about her. If I ever get myself up to NYC I will definately look you up to teach me how to dance and be "arty cool" hahahahah

[sb129]

I looooooooooooooooooooooooove NYC. I want to live there so badly.

London is cool, but NYC is cooler.

[sedgwick]

I spent my first year of college in London. I loved it! If we get a Republican president this year I'm either moving back there or going to Mexico.

[Belkin]

I want NYC too... But have to wait till beginning of March to know if I'm accepted or not... (getting off topic, are we not?)

[sb129]

I spent my first year of college in London. I loved it! If we get a Republican president this year I'm either moving back there or going to Mexico.

 

Oh don't move here. People are rude and its expensive and the weather sucks.

[Way to Go]

The last time I was on this site was months ago and you were talking about him. I am going to be single very soon (not my choice). I hope that I can move on and find my true love. I am heart broken but excited about my future. Life is short

 

 

 

For some reason, today I'm having a terrible time not contacting him. I'm not sure if I want to beg him to come back or yell at him for what a jerk he was. Mostly I just want to know what was in it for him to lie like he did.

 

I had a long, involved dream last night that he was with one of our mutual friends. In this dream, another of my exes wanted me back, but I couldn't be with him because I'm still so in love with Joe (most recent ex.)

 

It's just so hard knowing that in his mind I'm completely worthless, and that he walked away from our breakup happy as a clam. He was crying when he left, but to me that was just another lie. The last time we spoke, after him telling me he loved me and wanted me in his life during our previous conversation, he was cold as ice. Like he wasn't sure why I couldn't understand that "things change," and that they changed overnight, and it should be as easy for me to deal with as it is for him.

 

I am quite certain that he's with someone else by now. He is gorgeous and talented and brilliant and in a band, so there's no way he could be single still. Which makes me feel even more like sh*t, because for me it's really hard to find love, and it takes a very special person to make me feel it. But for him, all she needs is a fiddle.

 

What I really want is to have him tell me I'm not TOTALLY worthless in his mind, that in some way I still have even the slightest shred of value. I don't need him to tell me that I have worth to him, even, so much as I need him to tell me that from his perspective, I have worth in the world.

 

The other day I was knitting with a friend and someone at the yarn store who's from Texas started playing old-time hillbilly music. My friend (a native New Yorker) said, "Oh my GOD, that's not what your ex plays, is it?" I said, yeah, sure is, exactly, and she said, "Okay, that doesn't count as music." Which of course isn't true, but it was kind of funny knowing that to someone else on the planet, fiddle music is not the be-all end-all reason for existence.

 

Last Monday night I skipped the bellydance class I love most of all, because I didn't feel like I had any right to do anything or enjoy anything that wasn't old-time music, since nothing else in the universe has any value in Joe's mind. I know this is nuts, but I'm having trouble convincing myself to go tonight. I'm panicking because it's two hours from now and I know I won't have any more worth in two hours than I do right now.

 

What is wrong with me? It's seven months since he dumped me and I still don't feel any better. I was invited to bellydance in this crazy freakshow circus tonight, and I know I'd have fun if I was still with my ex and he was in the audience thinking what I did was valid, but now I'm trying to come up with an excuse not to go. I just can't handle being seen by other people right now. I feel like bellydance is easy and everyone's just looking at me going, yeah, big deal, it's no fiddle.

 

A friend said to me the other night, "If I'd just sold a book to (publisher), I'd still be walking on the moon." And I feel guilty because all this book was to me was something I had to turn in in spite of being worthless and stupid and unlovable, in spite of the fact that it meant zilch to him. I remember him saying, on the day I sold it, two weeks before he dumped me, "Baby, I'm so f*cking proud of you. As soon as I get home we're going to celebrate." Apparently "celebrate" to him meant "I'm going to totally break your heart."

 

Why did he lie? Why? Did he do it just so that when he dumped me I'd see extra big time the degree to which I was mistaken in thinking I was worth loving?

[sedgwick]

Oh don't move here. People are rude and its expensive and the weather sucks.

 

All the same could be said about NYC. I live in a tiny studio apartment the size of a dorm room for $1400/mo. Right now it's raining, as it has been for days upon days. And as for the "people are rude," please, New Yorkers INVENTED that one!

 

The last time I was on this site was months ago and you were talking about him.

 

And Way to Go, yes, he is "some guy!" Beautiful person, talented, brilliant, gorgeous. It breaks my heart not to be good enough to be part of his life, because I loved it so much when he still thought I was. I am deeply ashamed of myself for having thought I could be attractive to someone like him, and I have beaten myself to a pulp trying to figure out what I did wrong. I wish I had something to give him that he could want. All I had was my heart and soul and body and unconditional love, and that wasn't enough, because I don't play old-time fiddle. I mean, he dumped me the weekend we were supposedly celebrating the selling of my book. He told me he was coming home to celebrate with me, and instead he came home and dumped me because I'm not a musician. I am still so humiliated by that. Why did I bother him with my book? I should have celebrated with my friends and then maybe just mentioned it to him in passing.

 

I will never get over him. I promised I'd love him and only him forever, and I intend to keep that promise. He deserves it, even if it doesn't mean anything to him because it's not coming from a musician. He has completely cut me out of his life and stopped speaking to me, but still I love him with everything I have. My heart completely belongs to him, whether he wants it or not. He made promises to me and broke them, so I just REFUSE to break mine. I meant what I said, even though I'm sure he's forgotten all about me. I'm kind of forgettable. But I will keep on working on making myself someone worth loving!!!

Edited February 13, 2008 by sedgwick

[sandflea]

Oh Sedgwick... Just because someone ends a relationship that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. You sound like a beautiful person - and I'm sure you are - and if your ex couldn't continue the time that you two shared, let me assure you, that's not your fault.

 

You continue to mention how beautiful this man is. I really just don't see it. Yeah, he's a sexy rock star - big deal! You need to move forward, and as long as you continue to stay in this stage - refusing to get angry, talking about how you'll 'never' meet anyone as good, saying how much better he is - how you'll always love him. It's UN-Freakin-Healthy, Sedg. Take it from Uncle John - you WILL meet someone much BETTER than rock star joe, and this person will make you smile so much, laugh and love and giggle and tickle - and you'll wonder why you EVER gave dumper dude the time of day!

 

You deserve to be loved. Loved by someone who cherishes what you do - and will stick with you, by your side. That is what you should be focusing on - not the past.

 

By continually re-visiting what you had with this guy you're subconsciously cutting yourself down. Please try to believe that your future will be BETTER than your past, OK?

 

SF

[sb129]

All the same could be said about NYC. I live in a tiny studio apartment the size of a dorm room for $1400/mo. Right now it's raining, as it has been for days upon days. And as for the "people are rude," please, New Yorkers INVENTED that one!

 

Nah.... Londoners are ruder than New Yorkers IMO. But I don't want to be pedantic.

 

 

I will never get over him. I promised I'd love him and only him forever, and I intend to keep that promise. He deserves it, even if it doesn't mean anything to him because it's not coming from a musician. He has completely cut me out of his life and stopped speaking to me, but still I love him with everything I have. My heart completely belongs to him, whether he wants it or not. He made promises to me and broke them, so I just REFUSE to break mine. I meant what I said, even though I'm sure he's forgotten all about me. I'm kind of forgettable. But I will keep on working on making myself someone worth loving!!!

 

Oh this is the saddest thing I have read on here for ages.

Sedgwick, this guy doesn't deserve your love. He broke a promise to you, he hurt you, and he DOES NOT deserve you to keep your promise. Promises that are made by two parties and broken by one nullify the whole promise IMO.

[sedgwick]

You continue to mention how beautiful this man is. I really just don't see it. Yeah, he's a sexy rock star ... you WILL meet someone much BETTER than rock star joe.

SF

 

He's actually not a rockstar at all -- he's this 6'2", 125-lb skeleton who plays old-time music in a jugband, frequently neglects to bathe, and is almost bald. To me, he's the sexiest thing in the world, but others might see it somewhat differently. And he may play at a Lincoln Center folk festival one day and at a rest home the next, but he's making his living as a musician. Which, for some reason, strikes me as way cooler than making a living writing memoirs and designing clothes. Perhaps this is an erroneous perception on my part, but still. To him it's worthless, so there ya go.

 

I cannot imagine loving again -- mostly because Joe took with him the hope that I might be lovable. I'm just not going to put myself out there like that again. If I just remember that I CANNOT BE LOVED, I also cannot be hurt, and there's something to be said for that!!!!!

[prisonbreak]

Why are you allowing him to determine your self worth? Come on, you know your lovable. Would you ever tell that to a friend? Would you say to your best friend the things you tell yourself? I gotta be honest with you Sed, I've been afraid to give you any advice for 2 reasons. 1st, I'm in no position to give advice, I'm so broken myself and I'm a fool. 2nd, You have a strong personality and seem very strong willed. I was scared to put my 2 cents in for fear you'll bite my head off if it was taken the wrong way. And you seem very very brilliant, with your sh*t together. Now, with that being said, here's my advice...I think, your using your strong will to stay stuck in the mindset that your unlovable! Once you put your energy toward getting unstuck, you'll fly out of that as fast as you fell into it.

 

I say this out of love, so please be gentle on me when responding!!!!!

[sedgwick]

Oh my god, prisonbreak, I am SO sorry if I came off as rude or ungentle! I'm really this giant goofball dork. I have no room to say anything mean to anyone, and if I made you feel disrespected at any time, I apologize from the bottom of my heart!

[sandflea]

He's actually not a rockstar at all -- he's this 6'2", 125-lb skeleton who plays old-time music in a jugband, frequently neglects to bathe, and is almost bald. To me, he's the sexiest thing in the world, but others might see it somewhat differently.

 

OK - so he's more David Grisman than David Gilmore, regardless.

 

I think you are assuming that there aren't any more mando-strummin, fiddle playin, seldom bathin, patchoulli wearin, incense burnin, balding, skinny legs and all guys out there. Trust me, there are... Just keep living your life, doing your practice, and getting out and about, and eventually cupid will find you. He finds everyone.

 

Now, I know you're just going to send back another post talking about how you're NEVER love again, and how this man was your ENTIRE WORLD - and all that, so I'm going to put cotton in my ears and start mumbling "La la la la la" and ignore you for now. Trust me, it's for your own good!

 

Kidding kidding. 20 sun salutations - post haste!

 

SF

[prisonbreak]

OMG Sed, you never came across rude. Just me being insecure that's all!

[sedgwick]

OK - so he's more David Grisman than David Gilmore, regardless.

 

David "Dawg" Grisman! Oh how I love when people know about music. See, I actually am this massively music-obsessed dancer who always manages to find something other than Middle Eastern music to which to perform. I even took 10 years of piano lessons back in the day (ages 6 to 16) and would still play if a piano were something you could throw over your shoulder and travel the world and move with 80 million times. Or if pianos weren't the size of, like, my entire NYC apartment. Or if every apartment in my price range wasn't a walkup. Alas. (And please, nobody tell me to get a keyboard. Full-size analog or die.)

 

One of the things I miss most about Joe is how every time he came through the door I played him at least one new song and showed him the choreography I was working on. I miss having the "No, seriously, top five VU songs ever, GO!" conversation.

 

Hey, at least I didn't get dumped by young hot Syd Barrett, right? That would have sucked way more than getting dumped by Dave Gilmore. I quote what a friend of mine said after her last breakup: "The next time I date someone who thinks he's Trent Reznor, he'd better damn well be Trent Reznor."

 

Off to do some sun salutin'.

[joeapa]

my girlfriend alison broke up with me it's taking a long time to deal with it

[NiceGirlcomeslast]

Firstly I would like to address the London thing, as a Londoner born and bred I don't think that Londoners are rude; life in London like anywhere else in the world is what you make it. I walk down the road and I smile at people and I stand up on the tube for grannies and pregnant ladies, I hold open doors for people who are 2 minutes away when I'm in a rush and I always let people out in traffic.

 

I don't live on Oxford Street I live in North West London and there is a community if you make it, if you put in the effort then London is the place where everybody knows your name and they are always glad you came... London is not rude, but if you walk around with a face like a smacked ar*e you will not get the best out of it.

 

Rant over.... Sorry my ex was from Ireland and had lived *everywhere* before he came to London and went on about how horrible London is and how he didn't feel at home, how can you feel at home when you stay in bed for 14 hours a day and only converse with the people at the local kebab shop!!

 

Sedgwick I have to say I read a lot of your posts, and they all make me either smile or cry, I just feel so many of the things you feel and your ex seems so like mine that it scares me.

 

It's funny that when you talk about your ex saying he loves you just to fool you and how your best isn't good enough, those are things I have thought about myself a million times...a day, when I read you saying it I get so frustrated I want to shake some sense into you, I read your posts and I am awestruck, you are an amazing and inspiring person. You are what I wish I could be when I grow up but I know I would never have the courage to go for!

 

I know that nothing someone else says to you is going to make any difference, but I truly believe that your ex is like Haohmaru who seems to love his ex too much to contact her when he hasn’t changed and still can’t commit.

 

There was something wrong with your ex and that is why he left, there is nothing you could have done and that is the most heartbreaking thing. I think we have to accept that some men and I am sure some women… are broken, and we can not fix anybody apart from ourselves. We would like to think that our love could make them want to change or more so that their love for us, although they didn’t show it in romantic gestures would make them sort their lives out, eat properly, look after themselves, fix their broken hearts, but they can only do it for themselves and I am sure a part of them enjoys feeling broken and the excuses it gives them.

 

I wish I had answers but I don't and I just hope that you understand how amazing you are and how much you help people without knowing it.