Sending Flowers to the (recent) ex?

[g1976b]

Tough to think that by trying to do something nice and show that you care you're potentially losing your dignity. How weird is that?

 

I truly don't want to force her to love me. I just know that she has, and still does. The problem is she can't allow herself to try again at this time given how angry she is.

 

I won't send the flowers. As hard as it is not to do so, I don't want to risk making things worse.

 

Here's another question though...at what point does this "time and space" that she's asking for fade into forever? I guess what I'm wondering is when can I initiate contact again? When can I ask her out?

 

She's said she needs time. She's said "maybe in a couple of months". "Maybe in 6 months. Maybe in a year." All sorts of things like that. So if I go into hard core NC and try to move on, is it ever acceptable for me to come back and make contact or to try?

 

Or, do I just leave it as is? She knows how I feel and what I want. Must I just walk away with my only hope being her coming back to initiate a second try?

[blind_otter]

How long has it been since the breakup?

[g1976b]

How long has it been since the breakup?

 

 

It will be a month this weekend.

[CaliGuy]

All of the delivery information is filled out. 2 dozen roses sent to her work. All I need to do is hit send, but I'm hopping on here first to clear my mind. I'll give it overnight.

 

We will have been broken up for nearly a month by Valentine's Day. We still love one another and care about one another. She needs space however, and has said she cannot even consider dating me for a few months. She has moved out.

 

I fear that she may now becoming interested in other guys, and we have been going through a modified NC deal for the last couple of weeks. She come over to get more of her things last week and I pushed her a little more. She's very angry with me for the 'controlling, jealousy' stuff and how she changed so many things about herself 'for me'.

 

I really want to send the flowers. I've sent her flowers before and she really has appreciated them. I know she needs time and space, but it's Valentine's Day and I'd love for her to know that I'm thinking about her and I care about her.

 

Clearly I'm going to get many opinions along the lines of "don't do it" or "stick with NC" or "save the money"...but do you really think it stands to do any more HARM?

 

Haven't read the thread but I will tell you this:

 

When someone pulls away from you the BEST recourse you have is to pull away as well. The more you try to pull them back to you, the harder they will try to get away. You can't force someone to love you. All you will achieve is making them feel caged in.

 

Read the book "Love Must Be Tough" (Dobson) to understand why it works this way and what you can do about it.

 

Bottom line: I wouldn't send the flowers. Not if you want a chance to reconcile. Give her the space she wants and LOTS of it. Disappear from her life and let her see what life would be like without you. Give her the gift of missing you.

[sandflea]

g1976b - please, save yourself some money, and a bit of your dignity, and don't do it. When someone walks and asks for space, the most chivalrous, kinds, manly and respectful thing you can do for them is to grant them that space. No emails, chocolates, flowers or notes.

 

You simply drop off the face of the earth, start working on you, and learning from this experience. Trust me, is she wants to reach you, she knows where to find you.

 

Please. Don't do it. You're in for some severe disapointment when she either A.) Doesn't acknowledge the gift or B.) Tells you again to back off.

 

Of course, C.) is she snickers and shows them to her new BF.

 

Dude. Trust me. Back off.

 

SF

[dfreeman]

I won't send the flowers. As hard as it is not to do so, I don't want to risk making things worse.

 

Here's another question though...at what point does this "time and space" that she's asking for fade into forever? I guess what I'm wondering is when can I initiate contact again? When can I ask her out?

 

She's said she needs time. She's said "maybe in a couple of months". "Maybe in 6 months. Maybe in a year." All sorts of things like that. So if I go into hard core NC and try to move on, is it ever acceptable for me to come back and make contact or to try?

 

Or, do I just leave it as is? She knows how I feel and what I want. Must I just walk away with my only hope being her coming back to initiate a second try?

 

 

Hello again g,

 

It really is as simple as that - I am at the point where things have gotten so bad between my ex and I that my heart just can't take making anything worse. I am doing everything I can to leave a future open as friends with her and her daughter - ruining both of our first Valentine's Day apart is not going to help that along.

 

I decided shortly after our break, that I was not going to let myself drift off to the dark side on this one. In the midst of the sadness and lonely feelings of moving out of my home, I was able to dig deep down in my heart and give my ex a really sweet deal on the buyout of the house. This was not my initial plan after our first few angry breakup discussions - I figured I would force her to sell the house. I had done so much work on fixing it up, why should she get to keep it? Plus, I was secretly hoping that we would drift closer together or even reconcile while getting the house ready and selling it together. Then I started reading LS and realized that I needed to get the move done, sell her the house asap and get to a place where I could have NC.

 

I am also avoiding other behaviors that I think send you down a dark and dangerous path of destruction (driving by the house when I am in the neighborhood, making up fake reasons to call, showing up at places when I know she will be there,going back to the house to get little things I forgot during my first move, etc.). These things only serve the purpose of seeing if there are any signs of her moving on or to find out if she is still thinking about me (or even worse, to make her think about me again). All of these things (and sadly sending beautiful flowers too) make things worse because they are not wanted by her, but initiated by us.

 

Ideally, you will never be the one to initiate contact and if she is truly somebody that you would want in your life, she would not be so cruel as to let you just suffer forever. You are most likely looking at two very long (hopefully not too long) periods of time if you are hoping to get back together with her. The first is the time between today and the day she feels comfortable getting back in touch with you - the second is the time between that day and the day she would want to be with you romantically. The key here is that SHE initiates both of these stages and the first stage doesn't mean the second stage is sure to follow.

 

Others may disagree, but I think asking for time and space implies that some sort of relationship will follow. If you are not really just looking for time away to figure out the other person's place in your life, then I think you need to lay that out and tell the person not to contact you and you don't see much chance of ever being close with them in the future. The implication doesn't have to mean a close friendship and the time away may make the person realize that there is not much of a place for you even as friends, but in the beginning, some sort of relationship is implied.

 

No matter what place she chooses to give you in her life, unwanted contact, unexpected gifts or especially any other displays of neediness will make things harder.

 

I just hope she finds a place for you faster than 6 months to a year!

[dfreeman]

Please. Don't do it. You're in for some severe disapointment when she either A.) Doesn't acknowledge the gift or B.) Tells you again to back off.

 

Of course, C.) is she snickers and shows them to her new BF.

 

 

Any of these three are enough to make me yak...

 

 

Great points SF - I absolutely could NOT send her anything after reading this post!

[g1976b]

I guess it's time for me to leave my make believe world where I think there's a chance and something I can do to win her back. Time to move into the world where she does not want to be with me right now and there's nothing I can do about that but work on myself and truly try to give her what she's asking for.

 

SF, you could be right on the possible reactions she'd have to the flowers. Hurts pretty bad to think about "Option 3", but at the same time I guess I have to admit it's a possibility.

 

I'm doing OK with the NC thing....though to be honest I have several moments throughout the day where WAVES of despair hit me and I feel like calling. We'd email/text most of the day and talk on the phone at least a couple of times each day. Tough to forget about that quickly.

 

I can really identify with making up excuses to call, stop by, email, text, or whatever. Sure, there is some legitimacy to them....I'd send those messages if we were together. But, I guess the main issue is that we AREN'T together and she's asking for space.

 

What's really causing me to stumble lately is Facebook. Seeing what she's up to and new pictures of her and friends out having a good time. That's pretty tough to swallow. I should just completely shut it down and avoid it, but my younger sister is studying in Greece so it's a nice tool for keeping in contact with her.

 

I think my biggest issues going forward will be sticking to NC, getting all of her stuff out of my house (so I don't need to be constantly reminded of her leaving), and the computer stuff. Along with the Facebook thing, I can see each time she logs on to gmail. We used to chat for hours when we were first starting out. Tough to see her online now potentially doing that with others.

 

As always, thanks for everyone's input and advice. Believe it or not, you are making a big difference in keeping my mind clear and sticking to this. I simply couldn't do this without you.

[Haohmaru]

You don't have to shut down your whole Facebook. Just block her. Me and my ex did that because it does hurt to see that crap. You wouldn't think it, but Facebook is powerful stuff, man!

[CaliGuy]

I guess it's time for me to leave my make believe world where I think there's a chance and something I can do to win her back. Time to move into the world where she does not want to be with me right now and there's nothing I can do about that but work on myself and truly try to give her what she's asking for.

 

SF, you could be right on the possible reactions she'd have to the flowers. Hurts pretty bad to think about "Option 3", but at the same time I guess I have to admit it's a possibility.

 

I'm doing OK with the NC thing....though to be honest I have several moments throughout the day where WAVES of despair hit me and I feel like calling. We'd email/text most of the day and talk on the phone at least a couple of times each day. Tough to forget about that quickly.

 

I can really identify with making up excuses to call, stop by, email, text, or whatever. Sure, there is some legitimacy to them....I'd send those messages if we were together. But, I guess the main issue is that we AREN'T together and she's asking for space.

 

What's really causing me to stumble lately is Facebook. Seeing what she's up to and new pictures of her and friends out having a good time. That's pretty tough to swallow. I should just completely shut it down and avoid it, but my younger sister is studying in Greece so it's a nice tool for keeping in contact with her.

 

I think my biggest issues going forward will be sticking to NC, getting all of her stuff out of my house (so I don't need to be constantly reminded of her leaving), and the computer stuff. Along with the Facebook thing, I can see each time she logs on to gmail. We used to chat for hours when we were first starting out. Tough to see her online now potentially doing that with others.

 

As always, thanks for everyone's input and advice. Believe it or not, you are making a big difference in keeping my mind clear and sticking to this. I simply couldn't do this without you.

 

I'll leave you with this tidbit.

 

If you don't love and respect yourself, don't expect others to love and respect you.

 

Cheers.

[dfreeman]

I simply couldn't do this without you.

 

Well, guess what - we simply couldn't do it without you either!

 

 

I'd still be at the house dealing with my ex's anger by day and moping on the couch by night if it weren't for LS.