Just got asked out for Valentine's Day...

[THE THRONE]

The truth is that Star knew this guy had the hots for her, she knew this and she still flirted with him as it made her feel good. That is fine EXCEPT that she knew it would not lead to anything as she was either in a relationship or broken hearted. She will keep getting herself into these scarps until she realises her fault and improves on it.

 

It is not a personal attack just for the sake of being nasty, it is being said to help her for her future affairs of the heart!

 

Exactly, but the majority of readers want to sugarcoat the truth and make it seem as if she is innocent in all of this.

[THE THRONE]

This is redonkulous. She posted "how can I let him down gently when I am not ready?" And you scream "if you had any integrity you wouldn't have been talking to him in the first place." That's a little bizarre. Sure, she could ignore his IM's or emails. Or respond a week later. That would be rude. And it would be presumptuous to say anything about her ex until he asked her out. When girls have done that to me it comes off as snappy.

 

She's allowed to say no, and she has simply been debating how to tell him and whether she should mention her relationship. I would say "yes, be honest, mention you just exited a relationship and while you'd like to get to know him better, his valentines date is a little too intense for you, but you'd be open to doing something more casual another time."

 

There is no leading on there.

 

Sure she is leading him on. She has admitted to flirting with the guy, so this isn't a case of the guy misreading her kindness as an advance. She flirted, he made the move, now she feels as if she is in over her head. Yes, she could ignore him or respond a week later and this would be rude. However, she should have handled things the proper way as soon as he asked for a date.

[redfathom]

Why was I flirting? Don't ALL people flirt?

 

Not all people flirt. Being married as soon as a guy starts to flirt, it's "I'm married" and good-bye. I don't think you should flirt with someone unless you are not in a relationship and expect that by flirting if they return your advances it's only fair that you go out with them. However, if you flirt with everyone no matter your situation or their's I don't think that's fair.

 

Thus you should only flirt if you want the end result to be a relationship. IMO.

[oppath]

Sure she is leading him on. She has admitted to flirting with the guy, so this isn't a case of the guy misreading her kindness as an advance. She flirted, he made the move, now she feels as if she is in over her head. Yes, she could ignore him or respond a week later and this would be rude. However, she should have handled things the proper way as soon as he asked for a date.

 

He just asked her for the date, she has not said yes yet. She is asking "what is the best way to handle it. I don't think I am ready. I am really hurt over my past relationship and I don't want to hurt this guy." She is handling it the proper way.

 

The only other way would have been as soon as he started talking to her to say "hurt to burst your bubble, but if you think flirting with me is going to go somewhere, it's not. I just got out of a relationship so would you please stop."

 

The Throne: rather than say "she did something wrong and is responsible", would you care to suggest a solution? What would your suggestion be now that he has asked her out? What do you think is the best way to handle it?

 

I flirt with girls all the time. Does that mean I am required to ask them on a date? Talk about having an agenda. That's not a very nice reason to have a pleasant conversation with someone.

[Star Gazer]

Doesn't he have plans to take you to dinner and dessert? THESE are the plans I'm referrring to.

 

And by asking you out he has plans for the evening right?

 

Yes there is. The two requirements I'm speaking of are a YES and you actually showing up for the date. These things require a short term commitment on your part and you aren't willing to do it because you've been leading this guy on.

 

You've lost your mind.

 

He said, "If you don't have any plans for VDay, I'd like to take you here and here and here..."

 

Did I say yes? NO. Did I agree? NO. Did I tell him it sounds like a date? NO.

 

Therefore, there ARE NO PLANS. THERE IS NO DATE.

 

Thus you should only flirt if you want the end result to be a relationship. IMO.

 

Well, you and I have VERY different opinions in this regard then. People even flirt here on LS when they are very much involved.

[THE THRONE]

Why was I flirting? Don't ALL people flirt?

 

Not all people flirt. Being married as soon as a guy starts to flirt, it's "I'm married" and good-bye. I don't think you should flirt with someone unless you are not in a relationship and expect that by flirting if they return your advances it's only fair that you go out with them. However, if you flirt with everyone no matter your situation or their's I don't think that's fair.

 

Thus you should only flirt if you want the end result to be a relationship. IMO.

 

I'm glad another reasonable person is posting in this thread.

 

Throne, will you let up on her. Who ISN'T a bit of an attention seeker at times? The girl has just gone through a really bad break up, she's feeling low, and she had a small, very miniscule, bit of pleasure from the attention of a guy. So what. She's a good person. She didn't mean any harm.

 

Could you please just drop it and find another thread for a while. Maybe when she's on firmer footing you can let her know your opinions.

 

What do you mean let up on her? I'm giving her the truth and she needs to hear it. Yes, she has gone through a really bad break up, and is feeling low, but how do you know the guy saw the flirting as miniscule? It is obvious he didn't since he asked her out, so when she rejects him, what should we say about him if he now feels bad and low? The statement of so what shouldn't have been uttered/typed because we're talking about humans and emotions here. You don't go flirting with people and playing with their emotions--period.

 

No one is saying she isn't a good person, however, I'm not going to leave this thread because I'm abiding by the rules of this site, and I'm at liberty to voice my opinion. She has firm footing now and she needs to hear the truth instead of the peaches & cream sermon she has been given by some of the members here.

[oppath]

Thus you should only flirt if you want the end result to be a relationship. IMO.

 

Totally disagree. This would suggest that if you are flirting but suddenly realize you aren't all that interested, it would be ok to just say "sorry, I realize I'm not interested. Best of luck." Flirting solely with the agenda for it to lead to a relationship is ridiculous. Getting to know someone and keeping it light and fun is part of life. I flirt with skinny woman, fat women, all kinds of women. I'm not going to escalate with all of them, my agenda is to have a pleasant and fun social interaction, to get to know what they and their personality are all about. If my sole goal was the end result to be a relationship, I think that would be an agenda that limits the potential positive experiences I encounter in life.

[redfathom]

PUHLEEZE. Most people probably flirt however she did while WITHIN a relationship. It's awfully presumptuous to tell a guy, if he tries to talk and joke with you "sorry, I have boyfriend" or "sorry, I just got out of a relationship." She has not led him on. She'd be leading him on if she dated him for a couple months and then said "I was in a relationship until a week before you." I flirt with girls all the time. Me flirting does not = leading them on until I've started dating them. Until then, all I am doing is having a pleasant social interaction.

 

Since you are only one person involved in this flirting and the intentions on your end, I hope you make those intentions clear to the other person.

[oppath]

but how do you know the guy saw the flirting as miniscule? It is obvious he didn't since he asked her out, so when she rejects him, what should we say about him if he now feels bad and low?

 

If a guy came on here and said "I exchanged 3 or 4 emails with a girl and I asked her out, and she said she just got out of a relationship and is not ready," why did she lead me on? What did I do to deserve this? we'd all have a good laugh.

 

Even the best PUA's get shot down because of logistics. I'm willing to bet if she tells him "I just got out of a relationship" he extends and offer to go out as friends. He won't be hurt. He won't feel led on.

[Replicant]

The truth is that Star knew this guy had the hots for her, she knew this and she still flirted with him as it made her feel good. That is fine EXCEPT that she knew it would not lead to anything as she was either in a relationship or broken hearted. She will keep getting herself into these scarps until she realises her fault and improves on it.

 

It is not a personal attack just for the sake of being nasty, it is being said to help her for her future affairs of the heart!

 

Amazing how both you and "THE THRONE" are at the same level of angst here......

 

Nothing has even happened...so all that garbage 'yourselves' are writing is worthless. $hit happens mistakes are made. If the dude gets shot down, big deal, all that over planning is a mistake on his part for someone whom has just had a breakup. Both of them can move on, it's not the end of the world.

[redfathom]

Well, you and I have VERY different opinions in this regard then. People even flirt here on LS when they are very much involved.

 

Which is okay, you should have your own opinon. Just make sure the person on the other end knows it's harmless, meaningless fun. That you in no way want to lead them on into thinking that you want more with them other then harmless flirtations.

 

Think of how you would not even have to write this or you feel guilty about having to turn this guy down, which you would not have to feel guilty if you had not lead him to belive that you wanted something from him other then harmless fun. I understand your intentions were to have harmless fun but he took your conversations as something different. It's okay to say at the begining, I enjoy talking to you, but this will never go any further then this.

 

Oppath even defends flirting, but that's because he wants an en result that you don't. He said he flirts with several people to increase his chances of getting something in the end from one or more of them. You flirted but you did not want something to happen other then flirting.

 

IMO, just think about what you want from this person before you flirt with them and make sure they are clear on what you do or don't want from them. That way no one gets hurt.

[Star Gazer]

Think of how you would not even have to write this or you feel guilty about having to turn this guy down, which you would not have to feel guilty if you had not lead him to belive that you wanted something from him other then harmless fun. I understand your intentions were to have harmless fun but he took your conversations as something different. It's okay to say at the begining, I enjoy talking to you, but this will never go any further then this.

 

I get asked out ALL the time, even in professional situations where no flirting takes place. I can't write "I am not interested in dating" on my forehead. What am I supposed to say to the Barrista, the UPS guy, the car service dude? "I just want you to know, while I may be friendly with you and smile and enjoy our banter, I do not intend to ever date you..."?? You can't be serious!

 

I don't feel guilty, I did nothing wrong. I don't want him to feel like it has anything to do with him, because it doesn't. That's all.

[redfathom]

By the way, I never said that I flirt with him. He flirts with me. I respond to his messages, but not in a flirtatious way.

 

If he took it he wrong way then shame on him. However, to avoid this in future just be honest.

 

I am very honest with people, I let all guys know I am married and I tell all guys that need to be told to respect my personal space. If they cross my boundires I remind them about my personal space, if they do it again, I stop talking to them.

 

Don't stress over this too much.

[Star Gazer]

No plans? HE has plans for you, didn't you say he planned the following:

 

 

 

How are these things not plans?

 

 

Can you read?

 

He said, "IF you are free I would LIKE to take you to blah blah blah..."

 

If you're honestly suggesting that I am required to accept a date invitation simply because a guy asks me in a way to suggest he's already made reservations...you've lost your ever loving mind.

 

It's his problem for making plans BEFORE EVEN ASKING ME OUT!

[redfathom]

I get asked out ALL the time, even in professional situations where no flirting takes place.

 

They must say something to test the water first, let them know first and foremost that the well is dry. I have had people ask me out try to get my attention on the street, I decline or ignore them.

[oppath]

[

Oppath even defends flirting, but that's because he wants an en result that you don't. He said he flirts with several people to increase his chances of getting something in the end from one or more of them. You flirted but you did not want something to happen other then flirting.

.

 

No, I flirt with not end result in mind other than having a fun conversation. I flirt with getting nothing in the end from them. Therefore, my flirtation is genuine, without an agenda. If a girl thinks that by talking to her, that automatically means I am interested in her romantically, it's not my fault. Sometimes I just want to get to know someone interesting and see what they are all about. Maybe as a potential FRIEND. Maybe to set them up with a friend of mine.

[Ruby]

It does seem as if Star flirted with him for the attention and did not consider his feelings BUT she is not feeling good right now so that is probably why.

 

We all make mistakes when we are heartbroken.

 

Her self esteem must be low and we all deserve a pick me up at times, flirting and getting attention is always a feel good factor.

[THE THRONE]

By the way, I never said that I flirt with him. He flirts with me. I respond to his messages, but not in a flirtatious way.

 

You don't respond to his messages in a flirty way but what about face to face meetings or emails? You must respond in some way if not you would have never said,

Why was I flirting? Don't ALL people flirt?

.

 

Can you read?

 

Yes I can, and to be truthful some things aren't worth reading which is why I skip the articles in playboy and go straight to the spreads.

 

He said, "IF you are free I would LIKE to take you to blah blah blah..."

 

So what is the problem? When he asked you knew you weren't going to go because you knew you weren't into him.

 

If you're honestly suggesting that I am required to accept a date invitation simply because a guy asks me in a way to suggest he's already made reservations...you've lost your ever loving mind.

 

NO! That is NOT what I'm saying. LOL! What I'm saying is a level of commitment is required from you to make the date a reality and that requirement is a YES answer and you actually showing up. I'm not saying you are required to accept his advances. What I am saying is you are required to accept his advances for something to happen. Do you understand the difference now?

 

It's his problem for making plans BEFORE EVEN ASKING ME OUT!

 

Your problem for flirting before you were over your ex.

[melodymatters]

This is seriously a perfect example of why I don't feel comfortable talking about anything publicly here anymore. These two people have NEVER posted on my threads before, and now HERE THEY COME to attack, attack, attack and make me feel badly when the issue is about my RECOVERY from this breakup, nothing more!

 

 

Really ! You're a better man than i star, when I saw your post title for the first time, my intitial feeling was " Oh god, I hope people don't use this as a pinata kicking party".

 

I have stopped posting anything important to me and instead us PM's to those I trust.

 

Sad, isn't it.

 

On the other hand, THANK you for having the courage, and i DID get a bit of wisdom out of your post. ( what your friend said about picturing your ideal person)

 

As far as this ridiculous flirting thing goes, I have noticed as a former blonde bombshell, everyone ALWAYS thought I was flirting, when the chubby, matronly type would say or do the exact same thing and no one thought anything of it. It's simply a case of being threatening or not. I see it so much clearer now that I'm out of the game.

[oppath]

I get asked out ALL the time, even in professional situations where no flirting takes place.

 

They must say something to test the water first, let them know first and foremost that the well is dry. I have had people ask me out try to get my attention on the street, I decline or ignore them.

 

Conversation 1: he asks "are you excited about the superbowl this weekend?" "Not really, I'm a Chargers fan." "Me too, but I hope the Patriots win, that way the circus will still have two more rings than the Manning Brothers." "Haha, that's funny." "Well I'm having a bbq at my place for the game if you want to come and watch it." "I'm flattered, but I actually have a boyfriend." "Oh, in that case, bring him along."

 

Conversation 2: he asks "are you excited about the superbowl this weekend?" "Not really, I'm a Chargers fan." "Me too, but I hope the Patriots win, that way the circus will still have two more rings than the Manning Brothers." "Haha, that's funny, but I have a boyfriend, just so you know upfront." "Umm, ok. I was just making conversation."

 

Which one of those flirtatious conversations is more appropriate? You can't seriously be suggesting conversation 2.

[Star Gazer]

Really ! You're a better man than i star, when I saw your post title for the first time, my intitial feeling was " Oh god, I hope people don't use this as a pinata kicking party".

 

I have stopped posting anything important to me and instead us PM's to those I trust.

 

Sad, isn't it..

 

Yes, it's very sad. I think some people here like to kick me when I'm down.

 

I guess it's back to the PM route.

[Star Gazer]

If the goal was to make me cry, y'all have succeeded.

[THE THRONE]

This is seriously a perfect example of why I don't feel comfortable talking about anything publicly here anymore.

 

More attention seeking?

 

These two people have NEVER posted on my threads before, and now HERE THEY COME to attack, attack, attack and make me feel badly when the issue is about my RECOVERY from this breakup, nothing more!

 

No one is attacking you, and you need to lay off the "woe is me" stunt you're pulling right now. I'm NEW here which is why I haven't posted in "your threads", and I post in threads I feel provide something for me to offer. I don't go looking around the board for YOUR threads to post in, and would be a complete and utter fool if I did so.

 

Don't flatter yourself.

[Ruby]

Yes, it's very sad. I think some people here like to kick me when I'm down.

 

I guess it's back to the PM route.

 

Surely you have a harder shell than that? listen to what they are saying Star and if it does not ring true for you then just discount it. They are strangers so it does not matter what anyone thinks. Only YOU know the truth!

[Star Gazer]

Surely you have a harder shell than that? listen to what they are saying Star and if it does not ring true for you then just discount it. They are strangers so it does not matter what anyone thinks. Only YOU know the truth!

 

Normally, yes. But right now, when my heart is broken, no. I have an eggshell skull.