Just got asked out for Valentine's Day...

[EnigmaXOXO]

I can't do this. I have to tell him to go away.

 

Well, than that’s what you gotta do. You’re a free bird now, and you can live your life any darn way you please. Still ... I’m relieved to see that you’re still leaving your options open to future possibilities. Even moreso that you HAVE a lot of options available to you. Even if you find it difficult right now to feel as happy about it as I am for you.

[Star Gazer]

Uhh, he does know that you're fresh out of a relationship right? I just hope he isn't trying to take advantage of your vunerablity.....OR, is he trying to cheer you up, but trying too hard?

 

He doesn't know just how recent. I figured if I told him, he'd run away. But perhaps I should...

[redfathom]

Tell all these men the meat market is closed and they will have to look elsewhere for some grade a beef. HAHA, just kidding.

 

Don't worry so much about their feelings, yes be nice, but just because someone is interested in your does not mean you have an obligation to put their feelings first. You can polietly decline and not feel guilty.

[sb129]

SG won't be left on the shelf, I just feel it in my bones.

 

You know, SG, if you come to my wedding, there will be some men there with verrry hot bodies.. and accents different to yours.. and Jan 3 2009 is far enough away for you to get back on that old horse.

[Art_Critic]

I figured if I told him, he'd run away. But perhaps I should...

 

 

At this point listening to your hesitation and emotions that are all over the place I would think that you cannot go wrong by telling him the truth and then telling him it is too soon and maybe some other time in the future...

 

Give yourself some time to regain your balance...

[oppath]

At this point listening to your hesitation and emotions that are all over the place I would think that you cannot go wrong by telling him the truth and then telling him it is too soon and maybe some other time in the future...

 

Give yourself some time to regain your balance...

 

I'd still go out with a girl if she told me that. I'd just make it more casual. I'd still hold her hand and kiss her though but I'd otherwise move things slowly.

[redfathom]

Holding hands and kissing is not very casual. IMO.

[curiousnycgirl]

OK I'm going to do a 180 here - originally I thought going out might be a good idea, it at least gets you out of the house and allows you to stop obsessing over the ex - but clearly you rae not ready for that.

 

I do however think it is very important for you to fill your time with something. Go to the gymn, go out with the girls, go to the library - wherever, just sgtay away from the phone!

 

Please you've got to stop speaking with your ex - right now you are in the hurt but hopeful mode. You need to progress to really pissed off! And utlimately to don't give a sh*t.

 

Tell this guy you are flattered, and would like a rain check, but you are just not ready yet. Tell him maybe in a month or two.

 

And then go do things for YOU.

[norajane]

Don't worry so much about their feelings, yes be nice, but just because someone is interested in your does not mean you have an obligation to put their feelings first. You can polietly decline and not feel guilty.

 

Declining the date would actually be a kinder thing to do for the guy's feelings.

 

If she's not in any way ready to open her heart to anyone else right now, that poor guy who wants to wine and dine her is just going to get his feelings hurt if she goes out with him under the circumstances.

[Trimmer]

I don't want to bounce into a new relationship, while at the same time I don't want to sit around waiting forever to get over him either.

So don't think of it as "down time," or time spent sitting around waiting to get over him. Think of it as time spent living your life, time spent building your future. Time spent looking forward, not dwelling on what has gone past.

 

It sounds like you believe that you need to spend that time... Yes, it's recovery and "getting over" to some degree, but put your focus on your life in this moment and moving toward the future, recover yourself as a vital, strong individual.

[HotPink]

He sounds a bit full on and needy, run for the hills is my advice, oh and also take time to know what you want in life before you agree to date anyone at all.

 

Jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire is not a good idea, but you already know this.

 

It is good that you are asking advice before making a huge mistake.

 

How will you feel if your ex sends flowers to your work? Did you give him the address?

[norajane]

EXCUSE ME?!?!?!

 

This new guy and I email and/or IM often while we are at work. He sent me an email today around noon asking me out for V-Day, and listing what he wanted to do. There was no acceptance on my part, nor did I stand there like an "attention seeking idiot." JEEEZUS.

 

If you want to get to know him better, then select only the wine and appetizers and tell him you're not up for the full dinner and dessert. Treat his list as an option to choose from rather than a demand that you do everything.

 

And over wine, you can tell him that you just broke up with someone and, while you like him and want to get to know him better, you didn't want to jump too deep into more as it wouldn't be fair for him to be a rebound.

[norajane]

He sounds a bit full on and needy, run for the hills is my advice, oh and also take time to know what you want in life before you agree to date anyone at all.

 

Jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire is not a good idea, but you already know this.

 

It is good that you are asking advice before making a huge mistake.

 

How will you feel if your ex sends flowers to your work? Did you give him the address?

 

I wouldn't label him needy!

 

Come on girls, this is what we always say we want guys to do. We want them to notice us and flirt with us, and we want them to ask us out and treat us to a lovely date. That's all this guy is doing! He doesn't know that SG is still reeling from a break-up - he sees she's been flirting and wants to treat her nicely on a nice date.

 

If she weren't reeling, she'd be all excited to have a great date planned for VDay, a date SHE didn't have to plan, a date SHE didn't have to agonize over whether her SO will do anything special for VDay or not.

[THE THRONE]

Actually you do seem very attention seeking and braggy.

 

I dont say this to be mean but it shouts of insecurity and this is a huge turnoff for men, I have dated many girls like this. It starts off and you think the girl is confident, when infact she is insecure and in need of constant attention and validation. It gets tiring and boring and gets most men running for the hills!

 

I am not saying this to be mean, I am saying it so that maybe you can work on this part of your personality? Maybe then you will have better luck in your relationships and be happier.

 

You should let this guy down gently as he seems to have made more effort in one email then your ex made in months!

 

 

+1 THE THRONE is glad that he isn't the only one who see's this.

[TerryTeardrop]

The question is why was she flirting? Why lead a man on when you are not ready for that? I am sick of insecure girls doing this when they have no plans on following through.

 

I feel sorry this this guy, she has built him up and now will knock him down. And why? because she could!

 

No wonder so many men are women haters!

[Star Gazer]

The question is why was she flirting? Why lead a man on when you are not ready for that? I am sick of insecure girls doing this when they have no plans on following through.

 

I feel sorry this this guy, she has built him up and now will knock him down. And why? because she could!

 

No wonder so many men are women haters!

 

Why was I flirting? Don't ALL people flirt? Give me a break! And I didn't knwo that I couldn't follow through UNTIL he actually asked me out. Am I supposed to be a mind-reader, am I supposed to know exactly how I'll feel tomorrow, next week, a month from now? Shall I lock myself away in a cave, hide from any social interaction with the outside world until I'm 100% ready for commitment?

 

You people amaze me sometimes.

[TerryTeardrop]

There is only one part of your post that has any merit whatsoever, and it's the portion I bolded. I am NOT ready to date, at least certainly not as seriously as this new nice guy seems to want to. Hence the reason why I asked for HELP, not personal attacks!

 

Why are you saying it is a personal attack? He was pointing out valid personality traits that you need to work on.

 

If you did work on those things you would be happier. No one is out to get you here, everyone thinks differently and that is the beauty of an advice forum isnt it?

 

You are being given help you just choose to see it as a peronal attack as you do not like the advice given and that is not fair.

[Replicant]

How can I possibly really like this guy? I am still in love with ex-BF, however crazy that might seem to everyone.

 

I can't do this. I have to tell him to go away.

 

^^ That's a good enough reason. If your interest level is still naturally high towards your ex it does not matter really how fancy of an evening this other guy has put together. Overdoing it...yes i think he has..but if he wont have your emotional interest on that first date regardless. Better just to send him on his way and take care of yourself.

[TerryTeardrop]

Why was I flirting? Don't ALL people flirt? Give me a break! And I didn't knwo that I couldn't follow through UNTIL he actually asked me out. Am I supposed to be a mind-reader, am I supposed to know exactly how I'll feel tomorrow, next week, a month from now? Shall I lock myself away in a cave, hide from any social interaction with the outside world until I'm 100% ready for commitment?

 

You people amaze me sometimes.

 

You are heartbroken and in pieces after a break up less than a week ago so in MY eyes you should not have been a place to flirt. Your insecurity and need for attention caused you to flirt and now you have a problem on your hands

 

You led this guy on and now you are going to make him look stupid for falling for it

 

And I have bolded that part as you women amaze me most of the time!

[THE THRONE]

Oh really? Please provide me with examples.

 

 

 

Yes, you do. Posts like yours are exactly why I prefer to discuss matters like this in private.

 

 

 

THAT is VERY incorrect.

 

Tell me how long you've been flirting with this new guy and that will be a good example. And the fact that you KNOW he has made more efforts in a day than your ex has made in months shows THE THRONE that you crave the attention and value it, but have no true interest in him (right now) so you will "let him down easy".

 

Stop flirting with people and leading them on.

 

Why was I flirting?

 

Because you loved the attention you were getting from him. You weren't getting it from your ex, and he provided what you had a 'need' for.

 

Don't ALL people flirt?

 

No they don't, and anyone assuming all people flirt should take a basic course in psychology or human sexualirty.

 

And I didn't knwo that I couldn't follow through UNTIL he actually asked me out. Am I supposed to be a mind-reader, am I supposed to know exactly how I'll feel tomorrow, next week, a month from now?

 

THE THRONE says you never had an interest in him and are using him as an emotional tampon until you can recover from the madness with your ex. I'm sure if this guy read this thread he would cut his losses and move as far away from your cubicle as possible.

 

Shall I lock myself away in a cave, hide from any social interaction with the outside world until I'm 100% ready for commitment?

 

No, what you should do is be truthful to yourself, recognize you aren't ready and stop leading people on.

 

You people amaze me sometimes.

 

THE THRONE amazes everyone.

 

BTW, not once have you been personally attacked.

[Walk]

Star,

 

You lucky dog! Having a guy plan out such a romantic date sounds awesome! But I can completely understand your feelings about not wanting to go, and it's too much pressure.

 

Personally, I'd go if I felt I could have a good time with the guy. But that really depends on how you're feeling. If you're not up to it, then don't go.

 

And for the love of God, tell your ex to leave you alone on v-day. Do that for yourself, please. He's just cruel if he does something v-dayish for you after what he's done. Nip it in the bud, and tell him to leave you alone on v-day.

[oppath]

You are heartbroken and in pieces after a break up less than a week ago so in MY eyes you should not have been a place to flirt. Your insecurity and need for attention caused you to flirt and now you have a problem on your hands

 

You led this guy on and now you are going to make him look stupid for falling for it

 

And I have bolded that part as you women amaze me most of the time!

 

PUHLEEZE. Most people probably flirt however she did while WITHIN a relationship. It's awfully presumptuous to tell a guy, if he tries to talk and joke with you "sorry, I have boyfriend" or "sorry, I just got out of a relationship." She has not led him on. She'd be leading him on if she dated him for a couple months and then said "I was in a relationship until a week before you." I flirt with girls all the time. Me flirting does not = leading them on until I've started dating them. Until then, all I am doing is having a pleasant social interaction.

 

Star has done nothing wrong here. A guy emails her a few times, she responds politely. He asks "what are you doing this weekend" she says "I'm busy." Then he gets ballsy and says "I've planned x,y,z for you for valentines day." True, she "could" have said "I just ended a relationship so it's too soon to flirt" but if she said that, the guy would probably be like "what the ****, we were just talking, that's awfully presumptuous." He's not going to be hurt. Even all stars bat .300, it's not like he hasn't been turned down for a date before.

[Walk]

Because when you were flirting there was no level of commitment or .....BTW, once again, no one called you an attention seeking ..........attention seeker? Yes!

 

Throne, will you let up on her. Who ISN'T a bit of an attention seeker at times? The girl has just gone through a really bad break up, she's feeling low, and she had a small, very miniscule, bit of pleasure from the attention of a guy. So what. She's a good person. She didn't mean any harm.

 

Could you please just drop it and find another thread for a while. Maybe when she's on firmer footing you can let her know your opinions.

[oppath]

This is redonkulous. She posted "how can I let him down gently when I am not ready?" And you scream "if you had any integrity you wouldn't have been talking to him in the first place." That's a little bizarre. Sure, she could ignore his IM's or emails. Or respond a week later. That would be rude. And it would be presumptuous to say anything about her ex until he asked her out. When girls have done that to me it comes off as snappy.

 

She's allowed to say no, and she has simply been debating how to tell him and whether she should mention her relationship. I would say "yes, be honest, mention you just exited a relationship and while you'd like to get to know him better, his valentines date is a little too intense for you, but you'd be open to doing something more casual another time."

 

There is no leading on there.

[THE THRONE]

WTF? There are no PLANS!

 

Doesn't he have plans to take you to dinner and dessert? THESE are the plans I'm referrring to.

 

He asked me out!

 

And by asking you out he has plans for the evening right?

 

There is absolutely NOTHING "REQUIRED" of me!

 

Yes there is. The two requirements I'm speaking of are a YES and you actually showing up for the date. These things require a short term commitment on your part and you aren't willing to do it because you've been leading this guy on.