juliegeraci Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Its only been about 10 days since I gave up my lover for good. I have had no contact. I have recommitted myself to my marriage. I am really struggling with NC. I miss him terribly. We were suppose to talk last week and I shunned it off. I know I am doing the right thing. I do love my husband very much. I just miss my lover too. I was friends with him for 4 1/2 years so this is tough. I need a hug.
twice_shy Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Its only been about 10 days since I gave up my lover for good. I have had no contact. I have recommitted myself to my marriage. I am really struggling with NC. I miss him terribly. We were suppose to talk last week and I shunned it off. I know I am doing the right thing. I do love my husband very much. I just miss my lover too. I was friends with him for 4 1/2 years so this is tough. I need a hug. Let me get this right. You cheat on your husband, and it is YOU that needs a hug? Sorry, no sympathy here. And if you loved your husband you wouldn't have cheated on him. Does your husband know about this OM? If so, what is going to do?
Author juliegeraci Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Yes, my husband is aware of the other man and has stood by me. I know I shouldn't feel sorry for myself as I am the stupid one that made a very bad decision. Its just difficult because I have know this guy for over 4 years now so it very painful. I am just trying to move on.
Owl Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Are you in marriage counseling? When you "need a hug"...have you tried going to your husband and getting your emotional needs filled there? What are you and your H doing to reconnect and rebuild your marriage?
TMCM Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 julie, ((((hug))) NC is brutal but absolutely necessary if your marriage is to have a chance at surviving this ordeal. Any breaking of NC is putting you and your H back to square one and your marriage on the verge of divorce. You'll continue to have more days like today but as the months go by, you'll notice that the emotional impact will be less and less. Your personal recovery, as well as your husband's, is a one-day-at-a-time process that cannot and should not be rushed.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Hi Owl, thanks for the post. My husband and I are doing many things to get back on track. We are first going away for this weekend together for Valentine's Day. Second, we are working on the intimacy issues. He was pretty much impotent and he finally went to the doctors a couple weeks ago. His doctor gave him Cialis which is helping us. We are also signed up to go to a Marriage Encounter weekend the end of February through the Catholic Church. I do believe bring God back into our marriage will be very important. I guess right now I am just in mourning over the loss of my friend of 5 years. Our connection was quite different, more spiritual than me and my husband. I am trying to get that with my husband so I am hoping the above 3 things will help.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 TCM, thank you for the post. Right now I am just going one day at a time. I feel like I have lost a part of my soul and its most painful given the fact that this other guy and I were really good friends. I am just in mourning and trying to sort things out right now. I don't know why this is so difficult for me as I do love my husband too.
Owl Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Read the material over on marriagebuilders.com. Pick up "Surviving an Affair"...it'll help you to understand and deal with what you're going through right now. It'll help your husband tremendously as well. You're going through withdrawl...you ARE mourning the loss of that relationship. And just like any other, with time, and with effort on your part and the work you do in reinvesting in your marriage and your husband, you'll find that you WILL get over that loss. I watched my wife do the same thing with the loss of her OM.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Thanks for the tip. I'll definitely go over to that site. I am looking forward to not being in pain any longer. Thanks again.
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Its just difficult because I have know this guy for over 4 years now so it very painful. How long have you been married? Your alternative is - Missing your OM or missing your husband. Which do you think would hurt most? My guess is, (and maybe it would hit you later) your husband. You miss what feelings the OM brought out in you. The friendship can be replaced with women friends and more attention from your husband. That and also learning to be content in your life, finding family fun, hobbies, etc to keep you busy and not thinking of the OM. You are very lucky to have a husband who forgave you. Try posting this in the OW/OM section.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 I've been married for 10 years and the affair has been going on for about 3 years, whether its been physical or emotional. I am doing better today since I reading through one of the insite marriage sites about affairs. I miss him, but I think I would miss my husband more. My husband has seen a shift in me the last week. He said I was a lot more affectionate so hopefully that will continue with NC.
Meaplus3 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Its only been about 10 days since I gave up my lover for good. I have had no contact. I have recommitted myself to my marriage. I am really struggling with NC. I miss him terribly. We were suppose to talk last week and I shunned it off. I know I am doing the right thing. I do love my husband very much. I just miss my lover too. I was friends with him for 4 1/2 years so this is tough. I need a hug. Hi Julie, When you first start NC it's tough. your emotion's are still very raw and some day's seem very difficult. However it's does get better.. the longer NC stick's. You now have a chane to re -commit to your marriage, take that as a blessing and try to make a go of it. Stay strong! (((Hug's))) AP:)
Author juliegeraci Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 Thanks for the post. I read another site today that it takea anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 months to recover and get out of the depression. My husband is aware of the affair, he just didn't know that we were still in contact. I feel much better this afternoon having gone through some of the emotions.
johnny47 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Thanks for the post. I read another site today that it takea anywhere from 3 weeks to 6 months to recover and get out of the depression. My husband is aware of the affair, he just didn't know that we were still in contact. I feel much better this afternoon having gone through some of the emotions. I do not know where you live but I do know that there are survior groups out there that will help you. Just like AA, you can find help on a daily or even hourly basis. You need 3D contact with others not just on a chat line. Ask your therapist for the address of a SA (Sex Anon) group in your area. Sometimes addiction can take be manifested in different ways. For example...it is better for a woman to have an affair than for her to admit that she has an addiction to sex. Good Luck !
Author juliegeraci Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 Very interesting. Never thought of that before. Yes, this is just like an addiction.
Planofool Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 TCM, thank you for the post. Right now I am just going one day at a time. I feel like I have lost a part of my soul and its most painful given the fact that this other guy and I were really good friends. I am just in mourning and trying to sort things out right now. I don't know why this is so difficult for me as I do love my husband too. Being from the other side of the coin than you I am having trouble feeling sorry for you. Try channeling some of your pity to your husband.
LadyDi Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 I understand, it is hard to lose a close friend, no matter how or what kind. I hear it gets easier, but I'm not there yet either. Good Luck!
Author juliegeraci Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 NC is going really well for me. I feel stronger every day now. It will be 2 weeks this tomorrow I think. My husband can tell the difference with my affection and attentiveness. We are taking a long weekend together this weekend and going on a Marriage Encounter weekend the end of February. It feels really good to be back in control.
Owl Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Glad to hear it! Realize its going to be a rollercoaster ride for quite some time. Somedays its up...and some days its down. Share both with your H. Smile and show your love and happiness with him on the up days...and lean on him for help on the bad. That's what marriages are all about. Its when we forget that that we find ourselves reaching outside the marriage.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks Owl. The fog is clearing every day so I am feeling so much better. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Elena62 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks Owl. The fog is clearing every day so I am feeling so much better. Thanks for the words of encouragement. You're very lucky your husband still loves you and is willing to give it all another chance. Good luck and I hope you get over the pain of parting with OM.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks Elena, its been difficult but I know that is what I need to do to fall in love again with my husband.
twice_shy Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 You're very lucky your husband still loves you and is willing to give it all another chance. Good luck and I hope you get over the pain of parting with OM. She is very lucky. julie, you should take the ball and run with it. You know how many men would divorce a cheating wife without hesitation? If he is willing to forgive you, then take advantage of this great opportunity he is giving you.
Author juliegeraci Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Yes I have. We are bonding more each day that there has been NC. We are also going on a Marriage Encounter weekend with the Catholic Church the end of February. He is a good and loving man.
Cobra_X30 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Yes I have. We are bonding more each day that there has been NC. We are also going on a Marriage Encounter weekend with the Catholic Church the end of February. He is a good and loving man. Bieng a good and loving man was not enough before, I hope that it is now. What is your plan for helping him through this? I know it's been some time already, but with the recent contact with OM... that makes it pretty fresh. So how do you plan to fix it? You've made great strides already! I hope things continue to go well for you!
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