smileysmile Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Hi everybody, I am now posting on 'coping.' I am into the 5+ mths Separated and it is killing me. My threads are here someplace. How many on LS are living in separate houses now but still not divorced and your STBXW has your child/ren living with her and you are the dumpee? You are hurting like me and you know you can't go with NC because you have to see your child/ren. It is very hard isn't it? Are you like me with a very young child 14 mths, where you have to call at your STBXW house to pick/drop her off? Did you hurt your ex to make her dump you? You are now hurting for being a jerk but now you are hurting so bad. That she is cold and doesn't really want you around but has no choice because you are the father of her child. Do you think she is protecting herself from the pain you caused? The heartache, the emotional hurt you inflicted on her over time. Is it all amicable between you? How are you coping? Do you realize now that you never nurtured the love that she deserved? I think you get what I am saying. We men don't know how lucky we really are until it is too late! Is there OM involved now and you have to pick up your child having to hold feelings in that she is seeing somebody? Please tell me if your situation is similar to mine. I have no option than to COPE. This is a long ride now as I can't go NC and get over her because I have to see her because of our D and she is so young it is for a looooooong time. And the thought of having to see a fella she may or may not be seeing is inevitable.
Haohmaru Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I say if you know you've been an ass, go for ****in broke right now. Balls to the wall, go get her back.
Nomad1 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Man you are talking as if the end is nigh. So what if you have broken up? People do it everyday! So what if she has a new man? You can have a new woman too. I think that the reason she is cold towards you is because she knows you have not moved on. The minute she knows that you have someone new she will relax and will let you see your daughter anytime. Man up! There are lots of women out there. You are wasting your time on your Ex. Your focus should be on your daughter not your ex! I am sorry for being harsh, but you need to turn your anger into a determination to do well for yourself and to get the life that you deserve. Stop blaming yourself for what you may or may not have done. It takes two to tango. Right now she is tangoing with someone else. It does not mean that he is better than you or that he loves her more than you do, He is someone she wants. She does not want you. You should not want her either. Please get a grip on yourself and move on. She will respect you more for that! Once again, I am sorry for saying this, but you are through as a couple and you have to accept that to be able to start living! Nomad1
Author smileysmile Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 Well thank you Nomad for your thoughts lol I still want to have some feedback from others in my situation. Yes Nomad you aren't wrong about me moving on. What else can I do? Maybe she should tell me straight to move on and go and find somebody. But she hasn't. Maybe she wants to see me move on so that she won't feel so guilty with this OM. For some reason she doesn't say she is with this guy. She doesn't say they are a couple. Maybe she hasn't got to. Yes you are right. I have to move on. She is making me look an idiot
Nomad1 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Man I am in the same situation as you. It has been just over 5 months and we are in the same house, waiting for it to sell, but it may take a lot longer. We both go out separately and take it in turns to look after the kids. I am getting imapatient and I will probably find a flat soon as I want to be able to live my life freely. I date other women and occasionally stay out over night, but it is difficult when the kids say 'Dad where were you last night?'. She seems to compete when I go out, she emailed me today to say that she wants to go out Wednesday and Friday. I said get a childminder as I will be busy. Of course she didn't like that and wants to talk to me tonight about it. I said get used to single motherhood. Man it is not nice living together when you are separated. You take care smiley. Keep smiling! Nomad1
Author smileysmile Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 wow! Your situation sounds very difficult. Living together with kids. Yet you both go out separately. I feel for you. It is mad that you guys were once in love and now with kids. Now you are like strangers. Have you tried Divorcebusting.com Show your W unconditional sacrificial love. Did you want to make your marriage work or rather stay together? My ex being cold I am not sure it is because I haven't moved on. I think it is to with still being angry with me. The realization where she is today. A single mum at 36. I put her there etc
Nomad1 Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hey Smiley, I have already applied for the divorce and the house is on the market. I don't wish to get back together with her. The trust is gone. I just want to get out of here. I can't move on completely until I am in my new home. She wants parenting to be 50/50, so do the boys, so I guess she will still butt into my life for the next 5 years or so until our youngest is 18! Your ex is being cold because you are probably warm. Be indifferent to whatever she says / does. She will try to draw you back into conflict with her. Maybe you made mistakes, but everyone does. I am sure she can remember the good as well as the bad times. There must have been a good reason why you two got married. Someone said 'insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results'. Try changing whatever you are doing as it is not producing the result you want! Good luck Nomad1
onmyownagain Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Hi Smiley, I haven't spoken to you for a while. Is there a way you can avoid seeing your stbxw? I haven't seen mine since the week after we split. Occasionally text but that is all, no calls, nothing. It does help I think, maybe you can get her to drop your kids to someone else for you to pick up? I haven't moved into my new flat yet, not until the end of the month so my dad is picking up my daughter and dropping her home again after the weekend.
Author smileysmile Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Hi guys.. I have to try something different. It is a lot to do with the christening at the end of the month which has been postponed until her dad is out of hospital. She doesn't really want me there at MY D christening. Her attitude stinks!! She is controlling. I rang on Sunday night half way before I see my D. To see how things are. BIG mistake, never again. I have had it with her tone. I am going to date now I can't be arsed with her. The trust has gone she has no problem getting men but its keeping them thats the problem She is a toffee nosed condescending, patronizing ****** I am being walked over big time and I wish I could text all her messages to me. I haven't seen my 14 mth old D for 9 days! This Friday I will have her for 10 hours I have had it now. She doesn't care if I see my D. She has control..she is resentful because she is looking after her and doing everything for her. She says I just see the fun side as when I have her. As ex does all the preparing etc for her. Ready for me. What does she expect. What choice do I have? I still can't believe we are like strangers now. So much hate coming from her. Bringing up snippets of the past. It is driving me mad! I wish I didn't have to pick up D from her house. I really wish I didn't have to see her. But I have no choice.
saddad1 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Im in the same boat smiley Me and my ex were together for 6years and have 3 kids, we lived together for 5 and bought our house in Jan06. She said she didnt love me anymore in Mar07 and that has been it. Nearly the exact same reasons - no one single incident, just a lot of small things over time she said. Why do women not speak up until its too late??? From my point of view I was working hard to support our young family and done nothing to deserve this. We are only 27 - Im still devastated and would do anything to have her back. I don't know how Im goin to cope like this for the rest of my life, especially when a new man comes on scene which will happen soon I think
Author smileysmile Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 wow you are young saddo.. and you have 3 kids!! That is really tough I know it was me who was the problem. She left me for my behaviour. There are lots of men out there. How old are your kids? Many men will be put off with women with kids. Especially 3. So long term? Hmmmm So hang in there. But some women right at the start and during the R with there man are constantly analyzing there spouse. To some degree we all do. Maybe there is something about you she don't like? Gawd it is so hard.
saddad1 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 A lot of men will think BINGO to a single mum with 3 kids. They think she'll b up for a lot of sex, needy, lonely, wanting love etc and they'll use her. The decent men might actually b interested in her as a person but most would bail when they realise wot coming home from work to someone elses 3 kids is like; especially with "dad" still on the scene. Just my view on the future
saddad1 Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Smiley, I was only part of the problem. We both let our relationship slide away. We gave ourselves no chance to be a couple. I worked too hard and didnt realise how bad a state our relationship was in. When we talked about it, she just said it was too late. She never accepted that she had a part to play in our relationship going down the pan. An old friend of hers came back on the scene a few months b4 we split and she started going out with her friend. I dont think she was cheating on me but she obviously wanted the "single" life again even though her friend and her both say shes "not interested" in other men. Sigh.
Nomad1 Posted February 16, 2008 Posted February 16, 2008 Saddad1 - It sounds like your W has developed a taste for single life. Things may seem rosy to her at the moment since you are there to look after the kids when she goes out, but when reality sets in, she will realise that being single with 3 kids is not easy. Expect that when she gets to that stage she may start blaming you for the failure of your marriage and may start placing more demands on you to become more involved with the kids. Saddad, let her go. Nomad1
Recommended Posts