silvergirl111 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 My girlfriend and I broke up Thursday. We had been together for 2.5 wonderful years and lived together for almost 2 of those. We are best friends, maybe even soul mates. Why we broke up is too complicated to relay here (I posted it in different subforums) but the point is that it's something we both know needs to happen if we have a chance of being together forever (basically I need to sort some things out in my life). Because we had lived together for so long and enjoyed such a wonderful domestic life together, living alone is extremely difficult. I miss our routines, cuddling in bed ... the mornings are even worse than the nights. We have been communicating since it happened, more like grieving together, unloading all our emotions and pain on each other in a positive way. Expressing what we are going through, etc. Seeing other in person is a different story. Right now it is consisting of texts and emails. I worry that maybe this is more destructive in the long run, although it eleviates the pain that I am experiencing in the moment. It's like I can't get through the day unless I hear from her. Should we stop this? Is it okay? If we both feel that we may eventually get back together, even if it takes a while for me to get my issues straightened out, is it wrong for us to keep in contact and remain friends? Expressing our emotions and how we miss each other? Does anyone have any similar experiences?
VnusMars Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 As someone who has not really OFFICIALLY broken up with my GF - but we are definitely in non-romantic best friends status for the time-being...and having gone through a situation with my ex-wife years ago where we separated due to infidelity but stayed in each other's lives for far too long before we finally divorced... I think it's a two-edged sword. I think it's good to express how you're feeling, that emotional connection that's shared is good...but it can end up damaging things if it continues, or if it turns into a way to manipulate and stay in that other person's life against their wishes. If she begins to associate you with nothing but an emotional outpour, with sadness and the pressure of wanting to work things out, then she'll eventually get turned off. If, however, you can "let her go" and at least for now stay positive and demonstrate your willingness to heal and grow, there may be a chance. You need to exhibit the qualities NOW that she would like to see, and that takes shifting the focus away from pain of losing her and desperation over working things out, and towards going inside yourself to see why you ended up here, and what you can do to fix that. The good thing about that activity is - if things DON'T work out, you can both make that decision from a healthier, saner and happier place, and you can learn lessons for your next relationship. And if it DOES work out, then she will see that you're not desperate to be with her like an addiction, but choose to be with her as a strong person. Either way, you're covered. Whether or not that period of self-reflection needs to be done totally in private - with little or no contact with her - or can be done in her full view - remains to be seen. I for one hope that the latter works, since that's where I'm at with my GF - we're going back to being "best friends" like we were before the relationship started, and we're going to lift the pressure of figuring US out for right now, and see where things go. The time we spend together we're just going to enjoy each other's company and be happy. It's not everything that I want - I would love to have our romantic life back - but it's a way of bridging the gap and enjoying each other and life until a decision is made. If we decide to stay there and just be best friends and break off the romantic part, then fine...but it may just be the way to kindle a fire that once was there but got doused somewhere along the way. Either way, we're covered.
dfreeman Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 You have nailed a lot of my thinking (arrived at mostly from advice received on LS) right on the head. I also had a great friendship with my current ex before we started dating and I would love to get back as close to that (or in fantasyland, even better friends than before) as possible. I don't see how that could even be possible if I tried to use that friendship as an opening to analyze what went wrong in our relationship. That sort of thing can be done over some coffee and laughs years down the road maybe, but not while there are any open wounds. So, in hopes of having a friendship with her in the future, I am content with cutting that cord for now and let it naturally either come back or not happen at all in the future. With my current ex, there is too much anger and unhappiness to try the approach of staying close friends right now!
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