silvergirl111 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I feel as though my situation is unique, although I am not using it to justify anything ... Let me preface with that. I just broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years (we lived together for a little less than 2) because I cheated on her again. Keep in mind, when I say that I cheated I am usually referring to kissing or fooling around. I have only cheated by having sex once, and she knew about every time I was unfaithful. The thing is, she didn't want to break up even though she had previously said that she couldn't take it anymore. When I realized she was going to put up with it yet again, I took matters into my own hands and ended it. It has been the hardest thing that either of us have done. We are best friends, perfectly compatible, have had the best relationship, except for a shadow hanging over our heads ... That shadow is the fact that I have missed/been fantasizing about men for over half of our relationship. In case you missed that, we were two women in a relationship, although both of us classify ourselves as bisexual (when we are forced to label ourselves). When I cheated on her it was almost always with guys. Now I have decided that even if I want to be with her in the long run, I need to take this time to figure myself out and stop cheating. She deserves more. I have never lived by myself and it's so hard, but I'm hoping to grow from it. Can someone offer some advice in this arena? Additionally, why do I cheat? I did this in my previous relationship too (although that was an abusive relationship in which I was not happy, not that I am justifying anything). It's as if I start looking for a new relationship, even though I have a great one! Is this because I have such a strong desire to experience a relationship with a man (which I have never done) and am opening myself to possibility? I also hypothesize that I have this strange notion that people will like me more if I take things to that level - not necessarily sex, but at least making out. As if I'm looking for approval. How do I start to combat this? Is this a sexual addiction problem even though I rarely want to go on to have sex with these people? I usually stop it after making out. Keep in mind, alcohol is frequently involved, although I have been sober a couple of times. I'm just lost and I miss her. I want to figure things out and learn to live on my own before I can be what she, or anyone else, deserves.
ElvenPriestess Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 It sounds to me like you need to learn yourself better, explore yourself and understand what's going on inside of you. If you have curiosities towards men, that you know will be there in any relationship, then I suggest dealing with that while being on your own. This is a step in understanding yourself. I know it's hard, because you don't want to be with out the one you desire most. But think of it this way. Do you want to keep hurting her by staying with her and continuing the pattern? Or keep it at a distance until you've figured things out. Personally, I think you've got things you're interested in, explorations which aren't going away on their own. Take time on you. Just you. And explain to her that you care about her, you don't want to give up on the relationship, but that you need to straighten things out in your own life before you are able to be the person you both want you to be. Think of this vicious cycle. You can't end the cycle or defeat it while you're in the midst of the relationship. Because instead of this curiosity, this cycle being the focus, the relationship with your SO has been. First one and then the other. It will be tough because you already miss her, but the healthiest of choices in the end. I do hope I've helped you a bit.
Author silvergirl111 Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Yes, I appreciate your perspective and that is the way I am approaching this. We have been open and honest about it since it first became a problem, and if anything it made us closer. I think she finally is truly able to understand that I have my issues that will always be there and that need to be dealt with if we have any chance in the future. Staying together could only do more damage and decrease our chances of being together in the future. I have determined that if I do reach the point where I can be as good as what she deserves and not be selfish, I will marry her (well, as far as two women can get married) and be with her until I die. Afterall, when I think about being old, she is the only one I envision rocking on a porch with. Thank you for your reply, you have confirmed what I feel should be my goal. I need affirmation in order to stay strong and not jump back into the relationship before I'm ready. Now I have to learn how to live alone ... that's definitely the hardest part of this.
ElvenPriestess Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Ah yes. I have had my fair share of living alone in a short time let me tell you. And I found it's really how you manage your time. I mean, staying at home when you're not at work is no good all the time right? So go out with friends, see a movie, window shop, what ever it is you enjoy doing, do it. And remember, the plus side of it is independence. And that can strengthen a person as well. You have the right attitude for the situation, which is a very good step in the right direction. And living alone is just as I said one of those things you adapt to. It will either bring you down or boost you up. The choice is yours. But you sound strong and have the right mentality, so I think you'll find it a growing and learning tool.
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