Cool Chick Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Empty, that’s the feeling right now. Empty, full of despair, like all my emotions are being dredged up from a murky pit of sludge. I feel used and deceived. I know so many people before and after and even right now are suffering from heartbreak, but when it’s you, it seems so much worse. I have a part to play in this horrible situation, no doubt about it, but if I could have foreseen the terrible outcome I would have tried harder not to let it happen. It happened when I met my neighbour two years ago. I was new to the area and wanted to meet some of the people and maybe make some friends. They lived right across the street and we’d had brief chats now and then. They seemed nice so one day I went over to say hi. Things went well and before you knew it we were hanging out together. I had a lot in common with him, not so much with her. I connected with him on so many levels, before I knew he was calling me all the time. We had such a good time and did so many things together (walking the dogs, fishing, just hanging out), the three of us, and just the two of us. I asked him on more than one occasion, does ‘she’ (his fiancé, well call her Kim) mind us spending time together? I asked Kim too. There didn’t seem to be any problem, we were just friends. Then things changed. Their relationship was never very solid, she was volatile and he had jumped into the relationship right away after breaking up from his last very long term relationship. He started to want more from me….and I rebuffed him and told him on more than one occasion that we were just friends and I didn’t want more. Things went on like this for a while. He was so nice and considerate, said things to me no other guy ever had. I’d never had a guy like me for whom I was and not try to change me. He gave me hugs that were more than just ‘friend’ hugs. He said things like ‘we’d have so much fun living together’. He made me laugh, made me feel worthwhile and desired. In my mind we were just friends for a very long time, then one day I realized, I didn’t just like him anymore, I loved him. We were not ‘just’ friends. All the kind little things he did, and the considerate actions, the hints he dropped about what fun we would have ‘together’ had finally had an effect. I never even knew there was any such thing as an emotional affair until this happened. There I was though, right in the middle of one. It happened slowly too. He was always right up front with Kim when our friendship started. She would call and ask what he was up to, and he would tell her we were out with the dogs. Then it changed. She would call and he would answer her questions, but not tell her he was with me. He started telling me that they were going to break up. At this point I was not surprised, she wanted children, he did not. That’s a big make or break issue in a relationship; children are not something to be taken lightly. That’s when I started to hope….maybe we can actually be together. That’s when I started thinking of us as more than friends. We could talk about anything together. Being in each other company was comfortable. We didn’t need to talk, just being together was nice. We were not intimate with each other though. They were still living with each other even though they had both mentally ‘checked out of the relationship’. She was spending many nights in town with a close friend, he was trying to sort things out on his end too. He would still push me for more than I was willing to give right at that time, and I told him many times that we could pursue something, but that I though he should take some time off to sort his life out a bit. Two long term failed relationships right on each others heals with all of the emotional baggage that went along with it had left him very bitter and unhappy. He told me over and over again that he had wasted over ten years of his life between two women. He told me countless times that he didn’t know how he would have made it through some days without me. He said I brightened his days when things were at their worst. I believed him and cared about him soo deeply. I ached to see him in such pain, but at the same time knew that jumping into yet another relationship right away would not be good for him or me. Kim finally moved out and I started giving in to my own desires. I started to think….now we can finally be together. We also slept together. He was my first. It was scary and exciting all at the same time. Then the world ended. He wanted to sleep together more than I wanted. I have a tumor that doesn’t give me a lot of time during the month when I could be with him and not have discomfort. He knew this, but obviously he felt his desires more important. I started seeing strange cars at his place. He said they were past friend re-connecting. Yup, re-connecting would be the word for it. One of those cars came around more often and then started staying overnight. The devastation I felt was unbearable. I wrote him an email and told him never to call again. He freaked out and begged me not to leave. He went on a big long spiel about ‘not being good for me in a relationship.’ He said he had so much water under the bridge that he didn’t want to expose me to it. If that’s the case, why couldn’t he be up front with me, why did I have to find out about it in the way that I did? That particular car stopped coming around, but he had changed. He started holding back from me. Something was not right. After he begged to stay in contact I thought I could try. I was so emotionally attached at this point that I was desperate to have any contact with him and still had so much ‘hope’ that he still wanted to be with me. At this point he had been chasing me for over a year. Was I just a conquest? Could someone really be that cruel? He had gotten together with another women only two weeks after being with me for the first time. We didn’t do as much together anymore either….just hung out and watched tv for the most part. He still wanted to cuddle on the couch, and so did I. I thought that maybe if I show him how much I care he will come round and realize that his issues can be overcome if he wants to work at it. I was willing to accept him for who he was and I had told him I had wanted to be with him. How could he change so fast after we had been through so much together and had so much in common? [FONT="] [/FONT] He stated deceiving me…..or maybe I just started noticing the deception. He’s very good at it. He will tell the truth, but it’s not the full truth. He will say enough to make you think one thing, when the reality is another. Then another car started coming around. I met this woman….we’ll call her Mary. It was his ex from before Kim. He said there was nothing between them. They were like oil and water, but still friends. I’m so stupid, I believed him. They started hanging out more and more. He started doing the fun things with her that he used to do with me. He would not do any of those things with me anymore. I would ask, and there would always be an excuse….then a day or so later he would be out with Mary doing those things. This is where I am right now. Devastated, feeling used, like a conquest. I feel like I was something to be used and then thrown away like trash. I don’t understand how he can still say some of the things he has to me. He keeps saying that he cares immensely for me, that he wouldn’t be good for me. He and Mary have so much history and she has seen all his bad sides. He says he doesn’t want to expose me to them. He’s right though. He’s been treating me like garbage and so much of our relationship was so wrong and built on the wrong foundation. I should have stopped it months ago when I started feeling like more than friends. It’s amazing how much we’re willing to ignore when we have our rose colored glasses on. I finally came to the end of my rope two and a half weeks ago. I called on a Friday night to see if he wanted to rent a movie and he said he would give me a ring when he got home from having dinner with Mary. He never called. I got an email on Monday with a bunch of excuses on how he had such a hard/terrible weekend. It was just another one of his deceptive lies. I’m sure a small portion of his weekend was terrible, but he spent it all with Mary, so it couldn’t have been that bad. I haven’t seen him since and told him to stop calling me. He didn’t want to, but I insisted, finally taking a stand for myself. It’s been such a hard hard few months with all the lies, deception and **** I’ve been trying to deal with. I try to be forgiving, but enough is enough. I’ve had so much of my life wrapped up with him that I’ve forgotten how to be true to myself. He still insists that he cares, but I would never treat someone I cared for the way he has treated me. I think he took me completely for granted that I would always be there for him. The no contact has been hard, but easy in some ways. Our relationship had gotten so much to the point where we never did anything, that I don’t miss just sitting watching tv together. What I miss more than anything is how he used to treat me, and the hope of a future together. He’s now planning to move. I just found out from a mutual friend yesterday….and it’s set me back terribly. I miss him so much!….no, that’s not right, I miss who he USED to be so much. I can’t stand the thought of being with him and the constant deception, even as friends, but I can’t stand the thought of him not being right across the street either. Sooo….back to my original statements: Empty, that’s the feeling right now. Empty, full of despair, like all my emotions are being dredged up from a murky pit of sludge. I feel used and deceived. Cool Chick Sooo sorry this is so long. I really needed to get it off my chest.
latefragment Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I'm so sorry you had to go through that for your "first". That is terrible. I didn't have the most spectacular "first" experience but it sounds like yours was way worse than mine. I think that you made an "honest mistake" and you are just learning. Unfortunately, this guy was trouble, you tried to recognize the red flags, and you did, ... however, all of his begging, etc. won you over (as it has done to me many times) and you unfortunately fell for him and now you are where you are at. That is VERY terrible. I am going through something similar to you and I, too, miss the PERSON who he USED to be . It is so painful because that person is gone now. I'm really sorry you are going through this.
Author Cool Chick Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 How do you learn to trust again though? It's still very raw, and it literally makes me feel sick to my stomach sometimes. I don't understand how you can say you care so much for someone and then hurt them soooo much. I realize some things about him now that I had ignored or didn't notice before. He's extremely needy. It's almost as if he can't be alone and HAS to be with someone all the time. I think it would do him a huge world of good to take a year and learn about himself.....but that's just me. I also noticed that he is very driven by immediate gratification. It's almost like he can't see that his actions may hurt those around him. I never lied to him would have been his best friend and most loyal partner. I just don't understand how someone could throw it all away to be with someone who he stated over and over again that he wasted so many years of his life with. I think if he had not lied and been so deceptive lately I may even have been able to be 'just friends' again, but the lies just drove me away completely. I know it's better this way, but it's so sooo hard with him right next door, and then hearing that he was going to move.....uhg I wish the feeling of heartbreak would just go away! CC
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