DID I HAVE A RIGHT TO SEND exOW A THREATENING MESSAGE ?

[SimpleyMe]

A few months ago my H confessed to me that he was having a EA with his co-worker this EA was going on for 5 months,honestly i think it was a bit more than a EA because they would meet each other in certain parking lots and hang out for a bit they would hug and make out basically,so i see that as more than a EA dont you agree?

 

My husband basically told me oneday that he needed to talk to me about something he told me he had been seeing this OW but he doesnt want to continue the A with her and if i was willing to work things out him,he said i want to be honest with you about everything.He had a second email that she told him to create so they can keep in contact he told me here is my password to that email address you can go a read all the emails and i will be more than willing to answer any questions you have.

 

Obviously i decided to work things out with him he broke things of with the OW right away,but when he did this she started to come on stronger towards him she told she had strong feelings towards him she started calling his cell constantly she kept approaching him at work she even told him she was ready to finally have sex with him these are her exact words on the last email she sent him "i always wanted our first time we have sex to be special and im ready to finally have sex with you my husband is going out of town i want you to come over and f^^k me on his bed".

 

All of a sudden we figured she got the hint because she stopped approaching him ,stopped calling him and stopped sending him emails,this stopped for about 3 weeks then all of a sudden last week she stated her calls again she called twice my H doesnt answer the phone when she calls he told me he was going to change his cell# i told him no i dont want him to.

 

Last week i sent her a email telling her if she continues to call my H cell phone or if she even approaches him at work i will give her H copies of all the emails she sent my H and i will send him copies of the pics she sent my H of her and her kids,i told her dont take this as a threat take it as a promise and i suggest you don't test me,i said yo ushould be ashamed of yourself for disrespecting your husband and your kids by trying to invite my H over to your house to have sex with you and the bed you and your husband share.

 

So my question is was this a good idea to do to her was i wrong for this ? when i sent her the email she was at work another co-worker told my H that he went in her office and she was crying he said he asked her what was wrong she said its just personal issues and she even left work early .Should i have just left it alone and just told her nicely not to contact my H anymore BTW i already have told her nicely once over the phone and she was full of attitude,do you think i should have givin her another chance and told her nicely again did i go to far?

[noforgiveness]

I think you are beong too nice. I think you should contact her husband.

[growingimpatient]

Whoa!! I am completely on the other side of this...and I can't believe you are even doubting what you did!!!! Being the OW, I feel that I get EVERYTHING I deserve! She is lucky you gave her a warning at this point, and for her sake I hope she heeds it. Your H has made his choice, Get your life back!!!!!!

[a4a]

It would have been better if your H sent the email instead of you..... otherwise I don't think you were out of line considering her actions.

[SimpleyMe]

I guess the only reason why i feel bad is because my H has told her numerous times to leave him alone and trust me he has'nt told her in the nicest way.I'm NOt threaten by exOW at all.My thing is they didnt have sex so is it a good idea to go to her husband and drop this bomb on him,trust me if she doesnt stop trying to contact my H i will contact her H it wouldnt be hard trying to find him,i guess im just wondering if im doing the right thing i know she didnt even go to work today.

[Cagney]

I think you handled this well.

 

If she backs off, you've done the job.

But if you had gone further and contacted the husband, and they broke up, you might bring her back (stronger) on to your husband.

 

If she doesn't back off then I think you should ask your husband to shut her down "hard" with you present and with her knowing you're there listening.

[Owl]

I think that you shouldn't threaten her with telling her H.

 

I think you should just go ahead and do it. NOT to be vindictive...but to give him the chance to fix issues in HIS marriage. If he doesn't know she's cheating, he doesn't have the chance to address that issue.

 

If you were in his shoes...you'd want to know, right?

 

Send him the emails and such...tell him that you're not doing this to hurt him, but you're doing it so he knows what's been going on, and so he can take action on his side to protect himself and/or his marriage if he chooses to.

[cj1988]

Honey please, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? First, your H is one of the few men that I know of that has handled all this in respect to you so WELL. He obviously really loves you and realized that and is now doing what is RIGHT by you !

 

Last, I guess she did not realize that he gave you access to everything and not aware of how much you knew.....well, I bet she will NOT contact him again.....if so, tell her H, he deserves to know she is a tease and a BAD mother.....if my H EVER did it in my bed, they would both be HURTING after I got through with them.

 

I believe a little flirting is harmless as long as your spouse is aware of it. Just know what can hurt you will hurt another before doing something you may regrret later.

[SeraBella]

I think you were completely justified in everything you said. And you shouldn't feel bad at all for it. The email she sent about her H being out of town was COMPLETELY out of line. She seems to get such a disgusting thrill out of cheating....at least that's what I get from that one sentence.

 

I'm not sure if you should tell her H or not. Do you know him? How would you contact him?

 

I'm very glad to see you and your husband are trying to work through this, and I'm glad it seems like he's doing everything possible to keep your trust.

[LadyDi]

I'd leave it be now. You've made your point and it apparently worked so let it go. If she continues, then do what you need to do, but if this stops the contact I wouldn't tell the H. I'm obviously in the minority here, but I think you've done enough at this point.

[LakesideDream]

I'm with Lady Di. You have done enough. If your efforts thus far have accomplished what you wanted, let it go at least until something new comes up that changes the status quo.

[BentSpine]

Your problem is not the other woman. Your challenge is finding out what is lacking in your own relationship that made your partner look elsewhere for intimacy. That is more than enough for you.

 

The other woman is your partner's problem to deal with. By contacting her directly I believe you sealed the fate of your current relationship: It won't work out. Your partner will eventually grow tired of having you making decisions for him.

 

If your partner really didn't wish to hear from the other woman again, he would change his phone number and change the password of the email account to something impossible to remember.

 

If I were you I would ask your partner your posed question instead of seeking the approval of strangers.

[twice_shy]

Legally I don't think you have a right to send a "threatening" letter to anyone. They could use it against you.

 

You DO have the right, however, to send a letter to the xOW to let her know what a poor excuse for a human being she is without being threatening. But then you'd also need to let your H know what a poor excuse for a human he is as well.

[SimpleyMe]

It would be very easy for me to contact her husband all i would have to do is go over her house i know exactly where she lives,a childhood friend who i still keep in contact with lives down the street from her.Although the exOW has no idea i know someone who lives down the street from her.

 

I do believe my point has been made with her,only time will tell if it worked so far it seems to be working. i thought about that also i wondered if i did thisto her will she try and go after my husband stronger and honestly i trust my H doesnt want anything to do with her so i doubt it will work its just the thought of her trying to go after him out of spite that kinda gets to me, i just have mixed emotions about this at times i feel guilty for thinking about showing her H because she has kids and that the main thing i think about,then at times i get angry because i feel she doesnt care about how i feel and she tries to contact my H even after my H and i have both told her to back off me being much nicer than my H towards her.

[Tomcat33]

I think you did the right thing don't worry about it she should have backed off after your H told her it was over but she didn't and you need to protect your home/marriage.

 

I don't however think it is your place to tell her H this is something she should decide to do. Worry about your marriage and recovery you have enough on your plate as it is. But threatening her that you would tell her H I think was fine, she needs to understand you will not have her disrupting your life any more.

 

PS it's your H that should feel about about misleading her not you, you did the right thing even if it made her cry.

[SimpleyMe]

twice shy trust me i have had many words towards my H, he knows im way more angry with him he knows i no longer trust him .I did not just forgive right away i actually left him i left our home i told him consider yourself single sure i only stayed away for 2 and ahalf weeks.

 

My H is not in the clear he has alot to prove to me so please dont think im only angry at her if i were truely angry and bitter towards her i would have went to her H along time ago.

 

I do believe my H regrets the whole A he didnt have to tell me about it he could have continued it .

[whichwayisup]

If she continues to go after your husband, BOTH of you speak to her husband. Until then, forget her and focus on yourselves, fix your marriage and don't let anyone come between you.

[Tomcat33]

twice shy trust me i have had many words towards my H, he knows im way more angry with him he knows i no longer trust him .I did not just forgive right away i actually left him i left our home i told him consider yourself single sure i only stayed away for 2 and ahalf weeks.

 

My H is not in the clear he has alot to prove to me so please dont think im only angry at her if i were truely angry and bitter towards her i would have went to her H along time ago.

 

I do believe my H regrets the whole A he didnt have to tell me about it he could have continued it .

 

Oh I was not implying you are easy on him or trying to let him off the hook...I can imagine that is not how it works.

 

It does sound like your H totally regrets it and is willing to do anything to win you back, as it should be in these cases. For man to completely open up lilke that and give up his privacy to prove to you that he feels nothing but regret for what he did is VERY telling. HE mucked up but I think you have a good chance to recover from it if you can get past it...which I am sure must be very hard to do but not impossible.

[SimpleyMe]

Bentspine is'nt that what LS is all about seeking advice,i am not seeking approval im seeking advice in the end i will be the one to make the decision.

 

Obviously we are working on what made him go to another woman in the first place otherwise i wouldnt be here with him,everything is going well for us obviously i still get angry and dont trust him but that is somrthing that we are working on together.

 

I am not making decisions for him if i were the one making decisons for him he wouldnt have had a EA to begin with. When he told me of the A i never once told him to stop talking to her i said you can be with her im leaving. He went on his own and told her it was over in fact he told her it was over before even telling me of the A .Trust me he told her over and over leave him alone that it was over. He figured if it came from me then maybe she would listen.

 

As far as changing his cell # he told me he wanted to change it so she wouldnt be calling anymore i told him no i didnt want him to change the # im not changing my life for her even if it is just little things like a simple cell #. My H gave me the password to the email account i reed all the emails,he has nothing to do with that account anymore its been that way for months she had no idea i took over the email account i guess she knows now why he wasnt responding.

 

My point is it doesnt matter if i change his cell or forget about the email account they still work for the same company although they dont work together. I will not have my H quit his job im not threaten by her i know for a fact he no longer wants her and honestly i dont care if she works there either. A ll im saying is if she feels she can try and contact my husband then i have the right to contact her and and her H.

 

BTW this is no secret my H knows i sent her a email .

[Owl]

Are you and your H in marriage counseling to help your marriage recover from his affair?

[SimpleyMe]

no we are not in couseling he has mentioned it to me,that he wants to go.

[MakeLemonade]

You were well within your rights to contact her, he is your husband and she sounds damn well persistent. I hope she has backed off completely now as you had hoped and if she forces you to make good on your threat well then I guess she has that coming.

 

I would also agree that it would be nice that the OW's H knew so that he could work on the apparently glaring issues he has in his own relationship but at this point it's not really your place. The only reason it would become your place would be if she needs "help" staying away from your hubby, and I would think her H could provide that for her if need be.

 

I hope you & H are able to put this behind you and find happiness together again.

[Owl]

I'd heartily recommend that you find an experienced MC in your area that has a good foundation on how to rebuild a marriage after infidelity.

 

You might also get a couple of books to help you and your H figure out how to fix things from here. "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs/Her Needs" are both excellent. "The Five Love Languages" can help you see how to improve things between the two of you regardless of the affair. "Not Just Friends" is another you might take a look at.

 

The bottom line is this...there are some basic measures that you should take to safegaurd your marriage. This includes NC with the OW...PERIOD. Your H needs to take extraordinary measures to prevent any further contact. He needs to help you "see" that he's being faithful now, to allow your trust in him to rebuild (this often takes years, btw).

 

And I recommend telling OWH for two reasons. First, for HIS benifit...so that he can take any measures HE needs/wants to take to safegaurd himself and his marriage. And secondly, so that if he decides to reconcile his own marriage, he also is "watching" is W...which makes NC that much easier to maintain.

[HotPink]

I would have ripped off her head and spat down the hole! You did good!

[Lizzie60]

If I were you I would leave it.. I wouldn't tell her husband unless she doesn't stop... You have warned her so just wait and see.

 

Ignore her.. I think that's the best thing for both you and your husband, just ignore her.