Is it wrong to HOPE??

[nikkole1988]

let's start off with okay I'm a shy person and yes it took me long course to get to where i am, like just recently I've gained self-confidence. After i started working at this factory with my Step-dad and after a course of months i have guys asking me out left and right. Well the first guy i turned down okay cause not my type and i tell one of my friends at work well some how it gets to this guy who later asks me out and I'm attracted to him but no nothing about him and i thought that he was going out with this blonde girl i had seen him walking and talking with months before. But my friend reassures me that they have been broken up for 3 months. So later that day when he asks me out i agree. Well the next day he stares at me constantly and friends tell me so... but i just act ignorant, well then there are times when he would pass me and i would look down cause i'm shy i guess around guys i like but he gets upset and tells my friend that and she straightens that out for me by telling him that I'm just shy. Well also when he would walk with me to to the breakroom while talking and I can't help but feel weird cause i seen him doing this stuff with his "ex". Well date goes great but then i was soo nervous the entire time and also the entire time i can't help but thinking about his "ex" like when i got in his car i thought oh so this is where she was...uh it was so wierd. But after a while i didn't worry about her cause his manner in the way he acted was seeming obsessive and that he liked me in the extreme, like him getting upset if i didn't look at him when i passed him. So i didn't worry, well i was wrong.......

 

It all started Thanksgiving break, well i'll tell you the week well the week starts off with him calling me just to say he was thinking about me....then less calls through the week and when there is some it's just "small talk" well one day he calls and i missed him,he sort of has this shy thing too, so I'm like we should see each other and he tells me where he lives. Then when i get there we watch a movie and then he tells me to stand up and we hug. And he tells me don't hug or talk that much anymore then i say i know and that im sorry that i'm shy and for a few moments were facing eachother then i get this nervous chatter and ask him "If were considered Boyfriend/Girlfriend?"(cause we been dating 3 weeks and other people kept asking if i had one and i wasn't sure). Well then he takes like 2 mins. saying "ummm" then says "yes i guess we are"). Then i didn't know how to take that at first. Well when we finish the movie he has this excuse to leave his house and after that i feel like I'm being kicked out but i brush that aside cause his wanting to hug me and hold my hand. Well the next day i get a call from him and he tells me he just wants to be my friend and that he didn't want to "lead me on" after i hear that im a little taken a back cause the day before he was holding my hand and hugging me. Well after that i see him walking with his ex again and talking to her. Then one of my friends tell me that he is "a mess" right now that his ex has been hounding him with phone calls. then i don't know how to take that except that he wouldn't be a mess if he still didn't have feelings for her.

 

 

Then after that i hear that he is starting to have feelings for her again and that their taking it slow when asked if they were BF/GF. At that point i didn't know what emotion to feel i kept analyzing everything i did, expecially the last day i had with him. Then my confidence started to sink i thought maybe he didn't like me cause i was shy and maybe cause i didn't talk to him enough. But then again he didn't give me time cause i hardly seen him sometimes on end and still didn't know much about him.

 

But then i have hope like yea she's not "all that" not that attractive and no real personality and then i wonder what could she have probably said on those phone calls to get him. Then at work i see that he doesn't always look at her and sometimes i'll find him looking at me. And at times I'll aviod looking at him but when i do i see him constantly try to do stuff to get my attention and i don't know what to do with that or how to interpret that also i think he tries to show off in front of me like while working i hear my friend laughing at him for pulling up his sleeve and i know his ex can't see him where he is at so "why?". But yea they do walk together all the time and sit together in the breakroom. But i still have that hope everytime i feel him looking at me.

 

Plus since we've been "friends" i hardly get to talk to him like once every two weeks if I'm lucky cause, there are no chances. The only chances i have is when he is going to break which he walks with his "ex" now "girlfriend" i guess.

 

Someone help me what is all this supposed to mean i go through it over and over in my head like what is he doing...he confuses me so much!!

[s_n_d]

Ive asked my self the same thing before.

It isnt wrong to hope. I think we ALL hope at some point.

I know that hope and faith is all I have now.

[dfreeman]

I can't really say that hope is wrong, because I can't even identify where it is coming from?

 

I don't mentally or emotionally want to be with my ex anymore and I have every intention of keeping NC between us until it is safe to have a friendship with her, but my mind still drifts off to this weird place where she actually misses me enough to look at her side of our relationship problems and wants to reconcile in a deeper and more meaningful way than before. So, even though I am not like some on here that are clinging on to every last thread and only avoiding contact so that they will be missed, there is a small part of me that would go through all of this again to give her another chance.

 

I think it is more accurate to say that misguided or unreallistic hope can be very counter-productive to healing, than it is to say that it is wrong. I feel that my personal healing is coming along very well (and my friends agree), but I can't throw the first stone when it comes to hope - those pesky little daydreams of us getting back together and Ifixing this whole crappy thing still haunt me quite often?

[eagle5]

My sentiments too dfreeman, I'm with you on that one! But dam - sometimes, quite often actually I revert to hope.

[dfreeman]

My sentiments too dfreeman, I'm with you on that one! But dam - sometimes, quite often actually I revert to hope.

 

I guess it then comes down to what you do with that hope - sounds like we both do it, but the kind of hope we are carrying around might not be the same.

 

For me, with 100% certainty, I would not take my ex back today if she came shakin her ass and asking me to come home. We didn't take care of each other and didn't work on our crap (I came clean on my behavior at the end and apologized - she did nothing of the sort) in order to make things work. For that reason, I would be stupid to walk right back into the same situation with that same woman.

 

So, (assuming I have the strength I think I do and can stop being the guy I became during my time with her) my hope is that she feels the loss enough to make her want to face her anger problem and controlling behavior out on her own. To tell you the truth, I would be happy if she would deal with this stuff because it would potentially make her a better friend, but thanks to LS, I am now more concerned/focussed on having no interaction with her so I can come out of this as the best man I can be.

 

A little weird in that my hope has nothing to do with the two people that just ended that relationship - it is a fantasy that two different people emerge and get a chance at love (if not friendship and understanding). As far as any immediate reconcilliation or happy ending involving the two of us now, I'm afraid I don't have any hope

 

If you can't let go of your hope now, I just wish for you to at least be able to put it into perspective and see it for what it is. If an ounce of hope is helping you slowly get to a place where you don't need it to get by, then go there in your head. Please, just don't dwell on it at the cost of your own healing.

 

Good luck, dfree

[eagle5]

I see your point of view dfree, I porb would be mad to walk back into that same situation, I mean trust would be the ultimate issue, but part of me is still clinging onto the thought that she made a mistake, a huge one!

But I do take your point, maybe I am being unreasistic but I will try not to dwell on it too much.

 

And Nikkole if you are hoping like me, dfree's advice is pretty good....

 

Thanks man.....Eagle

[dfreeman]

but, I'm just telling you something I have to tell myself about fifty times a day!