contempbioflo Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I wanting to get more informations from the audience here and to get different perspectives on looking for this case, particularly this is my case. background information: me and my ex have broken up since last April. So it has been 10 months now. But after since, we still talk or hang out sometimes. Obviously, I believe that we both still have feeling for each other. Although it didn't work out at that time, we still want to stay in good friends. However, what frustrates me in the past 10 months is that my ex (or friend now) did not treat me that right at all. But now, we are friends? whenever we hang out, he always being nice, sensitive to me, and always tells me he is always be there for me whenever I need help. But this is what is treaty. Because what his motive now of being so nice to me, but he was an a**hole to me when we were dating. But the thing is that I know that he has no intention of dating me again in his life., and he does want to stay in good term with me, and told me he wants to keep me in his life in some ways. And this is what frustrate me. What is his motives? And is that point of treating me so nice now but with no intention of being with me (of course, not in a relationship sense). But what I think is that he realizes that he was such a j**k to me when we were dating, and he knows those were the mistakes that he made and he also realize what he has done did hurt my feelings. So now, he wants to stay good friends (or even best friend) to help me out and cares about me in any ways. But still what is the point is? so I sent him a message last night. And this is how it went: "Honestly, I do not agree you saying you would not hurt me in any way. At least that was hurtful enough that you made a decision on not having me in your life in the first place. And I still do not think that was my decision. And you decide to cut this line (the connection) in such a painful way. And I do not understand you. And I still do not understand you at this point. I believe that we will eventually fade out from each other lives. Don’t you think so? Then why is it still important for us to keep in touch with each other? And what are the goods for us to keep in touch with each other? Just to share resources? Or to help out each other? Wow. I do not see people, esp. friend, in such a practical sense. Then what are the good points? And I think this question, you would having a hard time finding a good answer to respond me to. If you find some incredible, convincing reason, please let me know. I don’t mind listen to them." but then I got a respond from him, "fair enough. good bye." more info: I see this email that I sent him as a chance for him to communicate his motive with me. But I also explain what I'm thinking in my mind. But I guess he didn't take this opportunity. And my ex partner is a feeler. And I'm a thinker type of person. Ahh. Need Help. Thanks.
Author contempbioflo Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 I just want to add a quick note to my post, because I mis-worded a point. I meant to say that when we were dating. my ex didn't treat me right at all, most of the time. He was too concern about himself. but then in the past 10 months he treats me very nice and shows that he cares about me. And this is what I was trying to address. Thanks.
latefragment Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I'm so sorry that happened to you. His response sounds angry, maybe he was angry and impulsively sent that (since he's a feeler). Maybe when he calms down he'll talk to you. I think maybe he was nice to you because he felt guilty about breaking up with you and treating you so badly? Otherwise I have no idea? Keeping you on the back burner? Sounds terrible any way you look at it..... :(
Author contempbioflo Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 Yes, this is what I was thinking too. Just last month, we have emails each other back and forth. and yeah, he uses very nice friends tone. Haha, I know my email is harsh. But I want to be open let him know how I feel. Because I always feel bad when I hang out with him and sometimes I would afraid I would get hurt again. And also since he would want to be with me as in a relationship term anyway. It is really easy on my part to tell him that.
cant let go Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 he responded that way because you pushed him to respond. he felt attacked and threatened by your words and retreated to save you further pain. you can never expect anyone to respond any differently to an email like that... male or female... dumper or dumpee... he needs to tell you on his on terms... you tried to corner him into revealing his true feelings and he wasn't ready to share that with you.
Author contempbioflo Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 haaa..... Yeah. It is quite a hardcore, harsh, harsh way to push someone to the edge. But yeah, I guess I'm inpatient to wait for his final call. A call that I will see him leave eventually, and we both will fade out from each other lives. And then he will have his love one. And I know that this is what is going to happen. I trust my intuition. Because for many times that I hear him saying (after separation), "you know, I'm going to have my beautiful wife in the future. And I'm glad that we have spent a good time together. And... thanks for sharing and teaching me a lot of things. I miss you. ... but yeah, I'm going to have my beautiful wife in the future." Yeah, I need no wait. But I will end up not being in his life anyway. And I think that he should stick with his act, the act that he decided to not staying with me at the first place. Agree?
oppath Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Contemp, it is difficult and confusing to be friends with an ex. His response was not inappropriate. You were basically telling him, with all of your rhetorical questions, "what is the point in being friends? There is not point to this." So he is giving you what you implied is best. I don't know your relationship or your friendship. The rhetorical line of questioning sounds very defeatest and I would have responded in more detail myself, but not every body would. Next time in this situation, I'd focus on how you feel, such as "I feel confused sometimes by being friends with you." The rhetorical questions do not promote dialogue. I think you WANT to end the friendship. It's ended. That is probably a good thing if you stayed confused. I hope to be friends with one ex soon but I told her "I am confused. We are talking. If we aren't heading towards reconciliation, I need some more space" and she completely agreed. "If you cherish a friendship with me, nothing more, I will wait for you to call me." I think because we are on the same page about those things, it can work in the future. But if I still feel confused, I won't call her. There is no point in being friends with the ex if all you are doing is hanging on to past intimacy and companionship. Only if an ex can provide you current value equal to someone else is a friendship viable. With your ex, he can't provided that. He offers nothing that you cannot get from another friend.
Author contempbioflo Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 Re oppath: I do admit that I didn't take the part of writing my feelings out. Since my ex is a feeler. Writing feeling words, I'm sure this way would work better. However, and you are right on that is that I don't see much future as in the friendship thing with him. Simply, I do not even see the quality or the comfort level that I would have with him as being friend. He can be a nice friend. However, I know that my ex character will still end up hurting me in some ways. And yes, we have still talk or hang out for a little bit in the past 10 months. And we enjoy each other company, but definitely we did not cross the line for intimacy. We both are studious. but yeah, for me to see him having this 4 words respond. This is not what I would expect from anyone. but yeah, he has the total right to be that way. But dang. This is the core difference between a thinker and a feeler.
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