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Physically and emotionally unfulfilled in marriage with a great guy...what to do?


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Posted

I have been with my husband for 18 years, we have 3 daughters (one from a previous marriage), and 1 grand-daughter (new last month). He's such a great guy but something has been missing from day 1. We married VERY quickly after meeting, we knew each other for 3 months and got married. I remember at the time thinking what am I doing. But he was Army and got orders; And I was afraid if I didn't marry him then I would lose him. I was still nursing wounds from a short but bad marriage and divorce/custody fight. I was pretty down.

 

Through the years we've done ok. When he got out of the Army in 96 we moved to where he was from. I didn't want to come here and he knew that back then. I have hated it here since day 1. It's cold what seems 8-9 months of the year and His family and I are NOT close. I like his Dad but that's it. His Mom and sister are not friendly to me at all. They like to throw in little digs whenever possible. Anything goes wrong it must be my fault. When our oldest graduated my family came up for the graduation and his Mom and Dad didn't even speak to my parents. At her wedding last year His Mom just kept making obnoxious comments about how hillbilly the reception was. Laughing at the decorations ect. Thank goodness she never made those comments to my daughter because then it would have been on!

 

Over a year and 1/2 ago his Dad had us take a 20,000 loan out from hubby's retirement for him saying he'd pay it back. He's made like 3, maybe 4 payments never the same amount and not when he was supposed to but the money is still coming out of hubby's check. He's WAY behind! BIG thing for me. Just this subject causes big arguments for us.

 

I few years ago I was working a lot of hours and late hours and my MIL and SIL decided I was a bad parent and tried to take my younger girls away. When hubby FINALLY listened to what I was saying he put a stop to it but he didn't listen to me, he listened to the girls. It caused a big riff in the family but they made up. I tolerate them and hubby got the loan AFTER that happened.

 

We've been together for 18 years, in that time he's only cheated on me once and I thought I'd forgiven him, it was a very long time ago but apparantly I haven't because it still comes up but in my mind in the context of his dishonesty in the whole thing. To this day he's never been completely honest about it. He cheated when we were married maybe 2 years, I was pregnant too so felt like I had to stay and didn't want to have 2 failed marraiges under my belt at so young an age. We've moved on in the marriage but mentally I haven't.

 

During our marriage I have gone through periods of restlessness and wanting but not knowing what was missing, just knowing I felt unfulfilled all the time. I would go on shopping spree's and stupid stuff like that trying to full the void or find the missing piece. Nothing ever helped except now we owe.

 

During all this I dream about a past relationship. I think about him and dream about him all the time. I used to dream I was looking for him but would wake up unable to find him and be sad, have woken up in tears about it too. In November we went home for a short visit and I saw him. He looked so different than I remembered but still him. He is married and of course so am I. Since then we've emailed and talked. We are both unhappy in our marriages but will probably neither of us do anything about it. We talk like we will but we won't. We've both been married the same amount of time. Both feel the same in that we have so much invested.

 

I want to change, have talked to hubby about needing change but nothing does. He thinks it's a midlife crisis but it's just the last few years that I've actually felt like I couldn't take anymore.I thought I could go on in this. Some days I still think I can but then I think 20 more years of this and I get so depressed!

 

I feel like a jerk, I get women tell me all the time how lucky I am, he's such a great guy, he's so sweet, he doesn't cheat, drink, drug, or gamble. If I want something he buys it for me. But at the same time he doesn't do anything but work, watch tv, and do stuff with his Dad. He talks about when we get older like his parents ect. I told him last night if we are like his parents I am for sure gone or I will kill myself. They are BORING! Just like us! When did we decide that because we got married we needed to be old and boring? We never go out or do anything, we work opposite days and shifts. We have absolutely nothing in common but work because we both work in the same place and we have our kids. We don't have the same interests nor do we even have friends to do stuff with.

 

We live in the country and when I am not driving my truck he takes it so then I am stuck here at home and couldn't go anywhere if I wanted to. I feel so smothered, like I can't breathe! I put in for vacation and he couldn't get the same dates as me so in July I am going home without him for a week, I've never went anywhere without him. He is VERY upset, he says he doesn't want me going without him, I NEED to go alone, I need to think. I know it's not a REAL seperation but the closest thing I will have so I can be away from him to think. I do love him but I don't have many romantic feelings left. Most of the time I feel emotionally and physically absent. In the bedroom he started having trouble, he says it's not that I don't turn him on anymore but what else could it be, he's only 38? I've always known he wasn't a big guy in that area and it never bothered me before but the last few years I just feel physically as well as emotionally unfulfilled.

I am so damn confused I just don't know what to do!

What a GREAT intro huh?

Thanks for reading and I HOPE you can help!

  • Author
Posted

Another thing..... 18 years of promises and dreams and plans, I am sick of hearing what he "wants" to do. I don't give 2 sh*ts what he "wants" to do anymore. Just do it, surprise me! My kitchen, not finished, murcury light burned out 2 years ago, still pitch black out there, front porch fell through last fall, now we use the old broken steps from before. Never fixed. Never covered the pool, now we will play h*ll trying to get it clean to use again. Tonight he pulls the lights off the bathroom wall to "fix" well now they are sitting on the kitchen floor because he has no electrical tape and in 6 months they will get tossed out because 1/2 the pieces are missing and I won't have a light on my bathroom wall anymore. He has tons of excuses but I stopped listening because again I don't give 2 sh*ts anymore.

Sometimes it's all just too much and I want OUT!

Posted

As described? Hell I'd want out too! :mad:

  • Author
Posted (edited)
As described? Hell I'd want out too! :mad:

Damn I sound like a total B*tch don't I? I really don't mean to, he is a great guy, he's been a great father although I do most of the raising he has been helping out a lot more the last couple of years. They get almost anything they want. They adore Dad. My oldest says I've been going through this for about 5 years, what she doesn't know is that it's been a lot longer, just about 5 years since I could no longer hold it all inside. When she got married last year I wanted to scream no don't do it! How sad is that?!

Edited by Findingme
messed up post
  • Author
Posted
As described? Hell I'd want out too! :mad:

Another thing and maybe you can help me on this thing. He has PTSD from months in Somolia. He doesn't shop anymore because he says he can't be around people. Funny how he can go to mudbogs without much irritation. He can't go to concerts or dinner or anything for the same reason. Up until this Christmas I did almost all the Christmas shopping because he "can't handle the crowds" well this year he senced I was pulling away from him and he insisted he go with me. 1st day he was a complete jerk and everything out of his mouth was a complaint. I told him the next day I was going alone. Well he promised he wouldn't say anything negative and he was true to his word. I am seriously sick of being patient with him, how f-ing long do I have to be patent and accept his PTSD excuses? He's been out for 11 1/2 years! If it's something he's interested in he's fine, something I am into and he can't handle the crowds!

For all these years I used to plead with him to stop leaving me at home while he was out doing crap with his dad or his friends at work and now that I am at the end of my rope suddenly he wants to be up my @ss all the time. He hasn't changed except he thinks lets go out....his idea of going out is going to Walmart or Meijer in the middle of the damn night. I'm sorry, I don't find that fun or exciting! When I say go out, I mean lets go play pool or darts, or go bowling, nothing big, just something fun.

Posted

Per your latest reponse ~ it has a lot to do with male and female brain chemistry! A lot to do with hormones ~ especially hormones ~ especially testerone ~ see the National Georaphic Special this week!

 

Its not just you! And your not crazy!

Posted
Another thing and maybe you can help me on this thing. He has PTSD from months in Somolia. He doesn't shop anymore because he says he can't be around people. Funny how he can go to mudbogs without much irritation. He can't go to concerts or dinner or anything for the same reason. Up until this Christmas I did almost all the Christmas shopping because he "can't handle the crowds" well this year he senced I was pulling away from him and he insisted he go with me. 1st day he was a complete jerk and everything out of his mouth was a complaint. I told him the next day I was going alone. Well he promised he wouldn't say anything negative and he was true to his word. I am seriously sick of being patient with him, how f-ing long do I have to be patent and accept his PTSD excuses? He's been out for 11 1/2 years! If it's something he's interested in he's fine, something I am into and he can't handle the crowds!

For all these years I used to plead with him to stop leaving me at home while he was out doing crap with his dad or his friends at work and now that I am at the end of my rope suddenly he wants to be up my @ss all the time. He hasn't changed except he thinks lets go out....his idea of going out is going to Walmart or Meijer in the middle of the damn night. I'm sorry, I don't find that fun or exciting! When I say go out, I mean lets go play pool or darts, or go bowling, nothing big, just something fun.

 

I woke up during half of my sleep cycle~! Bitch, moan and groan! :mad:

 

Hang tough!

Posted

Your user name reflects what is happening in your life at the moment. You seem to have had an awakening from your long sleepwalk. You realise that you want something new and different. It is easy to seek justification in aspects of your husband's behaviour to explain your reaction to everything. Is this fair? You said that he is a great guy. Perhaps you two are just not made for each other and that you have changed. Why not just call it a day? Talk to your husband honestly about this. Say that you want out. He will probably be shocked and hurt at first, but in the long run, he will be able to pursue his own happiness. If you can, try to remain on friendly terms for the sake of the children.

 

A comment about the person you said you keep thinking about who is married. Do you feel about him the way you do because of your unhappiness. I guess you can always try it and see what happens, but I am sure you know that things are not always what they seem from afar.

 

Good luck Findingme. I hope you will find yourself.

 

Nomad1

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Posted
Per your latest reponse ~ it has a lot to do with male and female brain chemistry! A lot to do with hormones ~ especially hormones ~ especially testerone ~ see the National Georaphic Special this week!

 

Its not just you! And your not crazy!

 

Are you talking about the bedroom stuff?

I don't know how to fix any of this. I hit my prime and it seems he hit old age. It's hard to hold that against him, first he can't help some things, that's just the way God made him. Second for many years I wasn't into sex because to be honest I just wasn't that pyhsically into him. It was more of a duty for me and I did my duty only when I had to. Sad but true. All those years I thought this was all there was. Really I have often wondered if he felt the same way. I've even asked him a few times but he always denied it and still does.

When we talked the other night he was floored by all I was feeling. He sees nothing wrong with out marriage. He says he doesn't pick his family over me but over and over he has. When he didn't listen to me about our girls, and all the times they have said nasty comments and he never stood up for me. And all those years when he said he'd only be gone a little bit and was gone ALL DAY and into the evening helping his Dad do this or that, leaving me at home alone with 3 kids. He does that helping his friends too. He's so helpful and never knows how to say no to anyone but me. If the oldest calls and asks us over he won't even tell her no, he makes me do it. By the way, we started the kitchen the summer after her sophmore year.... she's 22 now.

After we talked I didn't have so much anger and rage in my belly but now it's almost worse, now it feels almost empty. Is it even possible to build something out of this mess?

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Posted
I woke up during half of my sleep cycle~! Bitch, moan and groan! :mad:

 

Hang tough!

 

HAHA..... I work nights so I sleep while you are working and vice versa however it was so cold last night and the roads were frozen the state police asked everyone to stay off the roads unless absolutely nessessary. I am all about an extra night off! LOL

Anyway I slept about 2 hrs, had a dream and woke up, now can't get back to sleep so I am answering these.

I am trying my very best to hang tough, it's just really hard sometimes! Is it worth keeping because we have 18 years invested or is it better to try and find someone you have more in common with and physically attracted to? Am I staying because I am just too scared to try it alone or because I really do still love him and want to make it work? It's so hard to know right now, my head is pretty screwed up.

  • Author
Posted
Your user name reflects what is happening in your life at the moment. You seem to have had an awakening from your long sleepwalk. You realise that you want something new and different. It is easy to seek justification in aspects of your husband's behaviour to explain your reaction to everything. Is this fair? You said that he is a great guy. Perhaps you two are just not made for each other and that you have changed. Why not just call it a day? Talk to your husband honestly about this. Say that you want out. He will probably be shocked and hurt at first, but in the long run, he will be able to pursue his own happiness. If you can, try to remain on friendly terms for the sake of the children.

 

A comment about the person you said you keep thinking about who is married. Do you feel about him the way you do because of your unhappiness. I guess you can always try it and see what happens, but I am sure you know that things are not always what they seem from afar.

 

Good luck Findingme. I hope you will find yourself.

 

Nomad1

 

 

Nomad, I will try to answer this the best that I can. It might be tough because my head is pretty screwed up right now. I did talk to him last week. I am not a callous person and I do still love him just not like I should. It would be hard not to love him because he is a nice guy. He's not abusive or a drunk or anything rotten like that. That doesn't help, it just makes it harder. We've become like 2 strangers. We have talked a little more than we were but for a long time we barely even spoke to each other, not because we were mad or anything but because there just wasn't anything to say. The arguing started when the stuff started with his Mom. Then we just stopped talking because talking led to arguing. We disagreed and nothing was going to change that, Add that damn loan on top of that and well you get my point. We started co-existing.

 

For over 2 years he slept on the couch 4-5 nights a week and not because I kicked him out of the bed either he was never tired when I needed to go to bed and he fell asleep on the couch. At least that's what he always told me anyway. I actually got used to sleeping alone and now he won't go to bed without me and when I go to bed he is right behind me. Probably part of the reason I now have trouble sleeping more than a couple of hours I did wonder if maybe during those 2 years he had a friend with benefits at work. We weren't working at the same plant then, I was at a different office. He says no and what can I do but take him at his word? I have serious trust issues because he's lied to me several times in the past.

 

You could very well be right in that I have woken from a long sleepwalk. And maybe I am trying to justify my feelings, I honestly don't know at this point, I do know that I've been angry at him for a very long time and everytime he adds 1 more unfinished project to the pile I just get angrier. Everytime his family says or does something insulting towards me or my girls and he says nothing I get angrier. I know that 1 day it was like I just hit a brick wall and I was done. Since we talked I am trying to fix my marriage but mostly just feel sad and tired.

 

I thought back when I questioned if we should get married or not if we were made for each other but just chalked it up to being fire cautious after being burned so bad in my first marriage. I do know that no matter how much I wish on a star I can't go back and re-write history. When we talked last week I told him I would rather end this before we hated each other. He told me he could never hate me. Am I doing him a dis-service trying to fix this? Should I just leave him and know that he will find more happiness with someone else? I have thought about this a LOT but have come to no conclusions on my own.

 

About the other guy, I just don't know. We were childhood sweethearts. My Mom hated him because he used to date my older sister, no weirdness there but she could not get past that. Anyway she sent me to live with my Dad in Cali she hated him so bad. I moved back home 2 years later still full of hopes and dreams about him and I. He lived where he didn't have a phone and well we just lost contact. The last time I saw him I was 18 or 19 but have ALWAYS had dreams about him. Do I think he will leave his wife for me? NO, and I wouldn't want him to. Nor will I leave my hubby for him. That would just be wrong on both our parts. Have we cheated with each other, again that would be a no. In order for me to have a real relationship with him I would have to know that what I feel for him was about who he is, not who he was 20+ years ago. Knowing all this with my head doesn't stop the dreams or the wishing for what can't be though. I remind myself about the grass not always being greener, I think who knows, he might be just like hubby or worse, oh yeah, I talk myself out of feelings for him all the time, just as much as I try to talk myself into feelings for hubby, they just don't stay. I wish they did.:sick:

Posted

sometimes a guy needs a slap int the face give him the respect he deserves maybe a real seperation time apart with out dating could make him turn in the right direction. i had similar issues in my marriage and have learned from my mistakes . but my wife just plain gave up threw in the towel . her internet boyfreind went back to his wife. she calls me all the time now but says she isnt into getting back together ?? i think its her just not wanting to admit any fualt yet she still keeps bringing up past things i did. i dunno what to do with her at this point i sold our house and moved to the state she always wanted to live in. maybe regret is setting in for her . i wish we had just spent some time apart maybe it would be different. dont give up yet.

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Posted
sometimes a guy needs a slap int the face give him the respect he deserves maybe a real seperation time apart with out dating could make him turn in the right direction. i had similar issues in my marriage and have learned from my mistakes . but my wife just plain gave up threw in the towel . her internet boyfreind went back to his wife. she calls me all the time now but says she isnt into getting back together ?? i think its her just not wanting to admit any fualt yet she still keeps bringing up past things i did. i dunno what to do with her at this point i sold our house and moved to the state she always wanted to live in. maybe regret is setting in for her . i wish we had just spent some time apart maybe it would be different. dont give up yet.

 

I am hoping that week I am gone in July will do something for us. I am making no plans beyond that. 18 years is a lot invested in a relationship to just throw it away. I wish I could go now. I talked to my oldest daughter last night and she might go with me if she can get the time off work, otherwise that's a long drive alone! We will stay with my sister who is a single Mom and maybe they can help me. And really I haven't even considered dating, just getting my head on straight would be a start!

 

I am not saying I am not willing to work it out because I am trying, I just don't know how to feel REAL love struck feelings for him. I want to. I want to love and desire him above no other but right now it just isn't there. Did all the anger just kill it for us? I hope not. I wish we could just sell our house and move to another state, I want to go home. I am sick of being here with only his family as a support because seriously... THEY SUCK AT IT! But we both have really good jobs in a crappy economy state where jobs are hard to find and good jobs even harder. If I left him, I'd leave completely, as in moving back home, so I am not taking this lightly in any sence of the word.

 

I really hope good things are in store for you, and I really appreciate you not flaming me for being female and thinking of leaving my hubby. It sounds like you really love your wife and I hope she comes to a point that she can accept that love again or you are able to move on and make a good life for yourself. You don't give up on yourself either! Have you 2 considered counceling? Good wishes!

Posted

yes i do still love her very much !! i think she has made stupid mistakes and god you sound much like her she was shoping to fill the void i left for her but i am a man we do these kinda stupid things . we lived in a slow econemey state to wher we both had good incomes your not from the upstate ny ft drum area are you? and sorry im not trying to flame you i guess with valentines day coming im im not sure if sending flowers or something at this point would be a good idea all i keep getting from her is i want to remain freinds . what do you think? would that just push her away some more she is hitting rock bottom moving out of her aprt she had for 3 months now to move in with her mom and she is in serious debt!!! she has even stated her life was ruined when she met this mutual freind of ours and she asked me what that freind thought abouit all this i said she said i was better off without her . she replied well im glad she is making disicions about your future and was upset about that remark. i was like wow i didnt know we had a future im so confused . should i be sweet and send something ? and i do think your making the right disision if he loves you he will wake up.

Posted

Findingme - You obviously love your husband but your love for him is disappearing beneath layers upon layers of disappointment, anger and frustration. You both need space from each other and hopefully you will miss each other. Maybe after the short break you could go away just the two of you on a long holiday to a place you have always wanted to go.

 

I wish both of you success in recapturing the spark that will ignite the passion you both deserve to sustain a lifetime commitment.

 

You take care Findingme

 

Nomad1

  • Author
Posted
yes i do still love her very much !! i think she has made stupid mistakes and god you sound much like her she was shoping to fill the void i left for her but i am a man we do these kinda stupid things . we lived in a slow econemey state to wher we both had good incomes your not from the upstate ny ft drum area are you? and sorry im not trying to flame you i guess with valentines day coming im im not sure if sending flowers or something at this point would be a good idea all i keep getting from her is i want to remain freinds . what do you think? would that just push her away some more she is hitting rock bottom moving out of her aprt she had for 3 months now to move in with her mom and she is in serious debt!!! she has even stated her life was ruined when she met this mutual freind of ours and she asked me what that freind thought abouit all this i said she said i was better off without her . she replied well im glad she is making disicions about your future and was upset about that remark. i was like wow i didnt know we had a future im so confused . should i be sweet and send something ? and i do think your making the right disision if he loves you he will wake up.

 

LOL.... no I don't live in NY but sure as heck feels just as cold. No I live in Michigan and from what I understand has the WORST economy in the country. I didn't think you were flaming me at all, I felt you answered with class which is hard to accomplish when you've been burned yourself. In all honesty you sound very sad. Your wife does sound much like me in that she doesn't know what she wants at this point. To be honest I am not sure if sending her flowers will help your cause at all. She might just need some space to figure things out. I know that is what I need and I wish my hubby would give it to me but the more I pull away the tighter he holds on and I feel claustrophobic and pull away harder. I tell ya this, 1 place I would not go is my Mom's! No WAY!!! Don't call her, let her call you. Don't go running everytime she calls either. Just what I think but I don't really know your story either.

I hope he does, I have to give him props, the bathroom light I thought would be sitting on the kitchen floor for 6 months....... well he actually finished that and I have a bathroom light on my wall. I am sooo SHOCKED! I am very proud of him too! ;-)

Take care and thanks for giving me the other perspective.

  • Author
Posted
Findingme - You obviously love your husband but your love for him is disappearing beneath layers upon layers of disappointment, anger and frustration. You both need space from each other and hopefully you will miss each other. Maybe after the short break you could go away just the two of you on a long holiday to a place you have always wanted to go.

 

I wish both of you success in recapturing the spark that will ignite the passion you both deserve to sustain a lifetime commitment.

 

You take care Findingme

 

Nomad1

 

There is that for sure! I've tried to talk him into going somewhere without the kids, he says no, he doesn't feel right doing that, we can do that when the kids are grown. 6 more years. I told him in all honesty I am not sure we will last another 6 more years this way. He's trying to be such a good Dad but how can you be a good Dad if you can't be a good husband or wife? If we don't take care of "us" how can we give them all they deserve? I've asked him if he talks to anyone about any of this and he says no, I almost think he should, maybe he can get a different viewpoint than mine or maybe that person could convince him that yeah now would be the time not in 6 years to try to fix us.

Thanks for the good wishes, I need them!

Posted

hey finding thanks for the advice. i decided againts the flowers she did contact me again last night it has been our usuall 5 day stint of no contact. she continues to ask if im happy and acts like were freinds so i guess i just give up for now . i guess im just supposed to act like nothing bothers me from what ive been told. shes definatley gonna get her space with her mother lol. but im glad to hear your are giving your hubby the benifit of the doubt and try to work on you guys that is awsome. its much better than the way my wife did it too. good luck to you .

  • Author
Posted
hey finding thanks for the advice. i decided againts the flowers she did contact me again last night it has been our usuall 5 day stint of no contact. she continues to ask if im happy and acts like were freinds so i guess i just give up for now . i guess im just supposed to act like nothing bothers me from what ive been told. shes definatley gonna get her space with her mother lol. but im glad to hear your are giving your hubby the benifit of the doubt and try to work on you guys that is awsome. its much better than the way my wife did it too. good luck to you .

 

Good luck to you too!

Posted

No I was't speaking about "sex" per say, I was refering to the natural ~ hard-wire differences between your stereotypical man and your stereotypical woman.

 

These are hard-wired differences and fluctuate with age, hormonal balances. Most people don't understand them, let alone comprehend them.

 

There's that going on ~ and then you're probally of the age to where you've got your children grown and almost on their own? And your looking around thinking? Is this it? Is this all there is to life?

 

Work~home~cook~clean~tv~bed?

Work~home~cook~clean~tv~bed?

Work~home~cook~clean~tv~bed?

Work~home~cook~clean~tv~bed?

 

Like some freaking drone bee?

 

I'd bail on that situation my damned self?

 

Sex? The primary reason I bailed on my last LTR was because of sex? Don't get me wrong? Its was great, and pleatiful ~ but her attitude seem to be that all she had to do to keep was have sex with me anytime I wanted it? :mad: Believe it or not? Even that gets old! :mad:

That's about all that I was getting out the relationship ~ SEX!

 

When it comes to relationships? Men have got to "date their mates" but women have to date their mates as well!

 

One of my best relationships (and sex) was when she pushed me away, grinned, and said "It doesn't come that easy Tiger ~ you've got to work for it!" Grrrrrrrrrrrr :love: :love: :love:

 

I've served my country, I've got my chldren grown and on their own, self supporting, self-sufficient, responsible.

 

I've scraificed for others, did without, went without ~ its time for me! ;)

 

I'm not living to work? I'm working to live! That and to have some fun before I kick the bucket! I want to be one of the first persons in my family to go out with a smile on my face ~ I want the undertakers to say ~ "We tried like Hell to get that grin off his face! But, we just couldn't do it!" :laugh:

 

I'm single by choice, but I refuse to be some gals "meal-ticket" or "early retirement" I'm not looking for a wife, marriage ~ none of that? They're going to have to find me ~ because I'm not looking for them!

 

If and when I do get with some gal? I want her to be as excited about seeing me as I am her? I want her to bring as much to the table ~ as I've got to bring to the table? I want her to appreciate me as much as I appreciate her? I want her to miss being with me as much as I miss being with her. And no its not about sex, its about the "game" The game of seduction. For me? And I suspect for many men ~ its just as much about the mental and the emotional as it is the physical.

 

Your DH has become complacent and lazy!

  • Author
Posted
No I was't speaking about "sex" per say, I was refering to the natural ~ hard-wire differences between your stereotypical man and your stereotypical woman.

 

These are hard-wired differences and fluctuate with age, hormonal balances. Most people don't understand them, let alone comprehend them.

 

There's that going on ~ and then you're probally of the age to where you've got your children grown and almost on their own? And your looking around thinking? Is this it? Is this all there is to life?

 

Work~home~cook~clean~tv~bed?

Work~home~cook~clean~tv~bed?

Work~home~cook~clean~tv~bed?

Work~home~cook~clean~tv~bed?

 

Like some freaking drone bee?

 

I'd bail on that situation my damned self?

 

Sex? The primary reason I bailed on my last LTR was because of sex? Don't get me wrong? Its was great, and pleatiful ~ but her attitude seem to be that all she had to do to keep was have sex with me anytime I wanted it? :mad: Believe it or not? Even that gets old! :mad:

That's about all that I was getting out the relationship ~ SEX!

 

When it comes to relationships? Men have got to "date their mates" but women have to date their mates as well!

 

One of my best relationships (and sex) was when she pushed me away, grinned, and said "It doesn't come that easy Tiger ~ you've got to work for it!" Grrrrrrrrrrrr :love: :love: :love:

 

I've served my country, I've got my chldren grown and on their own, self supporting, self-sufficient, responsible.

 

I've scraificed for others, did without, went without ~ its time for me! ;)

 

I'm not living to work? I'm working to live! That and to have some fun before I kick the bucket! I want to be one of the first persons in my family to go out with a smile on my face ~ I want the undertakers to say ~ "We tried like Hell to get that grin off his face! But, we just couldn't do it!" :laugh:

 

I'm single by choice, but I refuse to be some gals "meal-ticket" or "early retirement" I'm not looking for a wife, marriage ~ none of that? They're going to have to find me ~ because I'm not looking for them!

 

If and when I do get with some gal? I want her to be as excited about seeing me as I am her? I want her to bring as much to the table ~ as I've got to bring to the table? I want her to appreciate me as much as I appreciate her? I want her to miss being with me as much as I miss being with her. And no its not about sex, its about the "game" The game of seduction. For me? And I suspect for many men ~ its just as much about the mental and the emotional as it is the physical.

 

Your DH has become complacent and lazy!

 

 

Gunny you hit the nail on the head!!! Exactly like a drone bee! I mean seriously! I have been feeling this way for quite some time but I think it came to a head when my oldest daughter told me last year she was pregnant, she's 22. It seriously felt like I had the wind knocked out of me and since then I almost feel frantic to find some fulfilling happiness ( is that an actual term?) before my life is over!

 

I can't say I've raised my kids all the way because I still have 2 at home, 15 and 12, but at that age they don't need me near as much as they used to and to be honest I am glad. For the last couple of years I think I have been a terrible Mom because I am so miserable and bored that it consumes my mind.

 

I spend almost all my time that I am not sleeping or working on the internet because it's like an out for me. Hubby hates it and I feel like he just wants to take the only link to the outside world I have left away from me.

 

I feel so totally isolated except at work and even there he knows who I talk to, when I go to break ect. I talked to 1 of his friends this morning as I was leaving for like 30 minutes and I was standing there paranoid that he would think I was cheating with this guy because the guy left his wife for someone he worked with. It's crap! It was weird though because this guy knew right away what I was saying and he said this is headed for a divorce and said it's what killed his marriage.

 

For instance although I said it would be fun to go somewhere and watch the superbowl on a big screen and have a couple of drinks this is what we did. He slept on the floor and I watched the game alone. Sounds like fun huh?

 

We had a long talk last week (BEFORE the superbowl) and really not much has changed since then except he did finish 1 project he started within a reasonable time, I was shocked and happy. It was a small thing but didn't matter he finished it! Been a LONG time since he finished anything he started! I actually told him NOT to get me anything to V day because I honestly don't feel right accepting gifts when I feel the way I do so I made plans for us to go to dinner and a hockey game with my daughter and son in-law.

 

I know what you mean about seduction, doesn't everyone want that? I am not sure I should say this but I think I have reached my prime and he dropped off the radar. I mean seriously I have TRIED to branch out, come up with some new things to try and he just says I can't do that, I'd feel weird, or that's not me, or I'm too tall or whatever. I am telling you I am quickly losing patience with this man! It's not like I am asking him to swing, wear my panites or do S&M stuff, just stuff most couples do all the time!

 

He has no passion for anything anymore, I've wondered if he ever did and I just didn't notice. Even during the deed he doesn't make a sound. I swear it's almost like a 1 sided conversation! Even in bed he's lazy, makes me feel like I am not worth the effort! He does the bare minimum. I have asked him so many times what can I do for him, he tells me nothing. Even when I visit the nether regions he doesn't make a sound or even move! WTF?! I don't want him to be fake but at the same time doing a manequin is a turn off!

 

The only thing he tells me that I do that bothers him is being on the internet all the time. It's either that or I watch him watch tv. I hate the western and military channels and I am learning to hate the hallmark channel! He's always watching something. I am just as bad though about news but I usually just have it on for background noise EXCEPT Red Eye and reality tv. That's purely for entertainment! haha

 

I am sure I have tons of faults, he just won't tell me so I can do something to change them. Sorry for the long rant, I do appreciate you helping me, you've been GREAT!

Posted (edited)

LOL! :laugh:

 

Like the last time the "ex-hex" and I had sex?

 

I told her!

 

That was great! I especially enjoyed the part where you actually moved! :laugh:

 

But seriously? Its not just about sex? Its like the pizza commercial where the guys suggests they have sex, while they wait the thrity minutes for the pizza to show up? And the wife says, "OK! What are we going to do the other twenty-eight minutes?" :laugh: :laugh:

 

I know where I screwed up! No carrer Marine should be married until they're done with the Corps ~ or the Corps is done with them! :mad: The "Corps" is the "mistress" ~ they demand that much of you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, pyschologically! Ditto with a lot of carrers! Fighter pilot, astronaut, Force Recon, Police Officer, Firefighter, Navy SEAL, Green Beret, etc.

 

It consumes you ~ and demands so much of you?

 

I'm free of that now ~ and I'm all about living my life and living Life! I've got a low stress ~ no stress job with a low stress ~ no stress boss! I turn down over-time except to help out fellow co-workers that need time off for something!

 

Like I said, I work to live, not live to work! ;)

 

As my Granddaddy said ~ "You can play now and pay latter ~ or you can pay now and play for the rest of your life!"

 

Guess which one I'm doing? :cool:

 

No, I'm not living in the richest part of town, nor do I own a 8,000 square foot house in a gated commnunity. No! I don't drive a BMW nor a Jag, nor a Benz! But what I've got is mine, and paid for! The "nut" I've got to crack each month? $600 and the Corps check has more than got that covered?

 

This isn't about "brag" this is about "simple living" and enjoying your Life! Less is more!

 

Missy knows what I'm talking about! Its about taking "ownership" of your life! Its about telling the "rat-race" to kiss your ever-loving @ss! :mad:

Edited by Gunny376
  • Author
Posted
LOL! :laugh:

 

Like the last time the "ex-hex" and I had sex?

 

I told her!

 

That was great! I especially enjoyed the part where you actually moved! :laugh:

 

But seriously? Its not just about sex? Its like the pizza commercial where the guys suggests they have sex, while they wait the thrity minutes for the pizza to show up? And the wife says, "OK! What are we going to do the other twenty-eight minutes?" :laugh: :laugh:

 

I know where I screwed up! No carrer Marine should be married until they're done with the Corps ~ or the Corps is done with them! :mad: The "Corps" is the "mistress" ~ they demand that much of you mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, pyschologically! Ditto with a lot of carrers! Fighter pilot, astronaut, Force Recon, Police Officer, Firefighter, Navy SEAL, Green Beret, etc.

 

It consumes you ~ and demands so much of you?

 

I'm free of that now ~ and I'm all about living my life and living Life! I've got a low stress ~ no stress job with a low stress ~ no stress boss! I turn down over-time except to help out fellow co-workers that need time off for something!

 

Like I said, I work to live, not live to work! ;)

 

As my Granddaddy said ~ "You can play now and pay latter ~ or you can pay now and play for the rest of your life!"

 

Guess which one I'm doing? :cool:

 

No, I'm not living in the richest part of town, nor do I own a 8,000 square foot house in a gated commnunity. No! I don't drive a BMW nor a Jag, nor a Benz! But what I've got is mine, and paid for! The "nut" I've got to crack each month? $600 and the Corps check has more than got that covered?

 

This isn't about "brag" this is about "simple living" and enjoying your Life! Less is more!

 

Missy knows what I'm talking about! Its about taking "ownership" of your life! Its about telling the "rat-race" to kiss your ever-loving @ss! :mad:

 

Gunny I have seriously wondered if because he is ex military that he is so passionless. The only time I see any passion what-so-ever is when he gets really mad and then it's like a controlled burn. Sometimes that scares me more than if someone just blew up every once in a while. He used to do stuff like demolition derby and sky dive but he quite doing all that stuff! I mean he seriously does nothing but work, watch tv, sleep and do stuff with his Dad. He used to be into cars and was a mechanic but doesn't do that anymore either. It's like he's already dead but still walking around.

 

We don't own anything real nice like that either, I have an 02 F250 and he has a 99 F350. We drive an hr each way to work so a diesel works for us longer lasting engines. I do admit I love my truck, makes me feel in control. I could go on......lol Anyway we don't live in a nice area, we have 1000 sq ft house and it isn't all that nice but it's all we could afford at the time we bought it and it's so bad here we couldn't even see it for what we owe. That's 1 of the reasons I didn't want him to get me anything, he usually goes and spends $1000 on another piece of jewelry I don't need and then we have more f-ing bills to pay. i'd rather pay off a bill I won't have to pay later. I spent so many years trying to fill a void that we have a bunch of CRAP and he's just as bad, he hits every clearance aisle he can find and buys stuff whether we need it or not. I can't even keep my house cleaned because we have so many dang clothes there's no place to put them! Of course I do have girls so some of that is excusable. LOL Ok I lied..... I am BAD about clothes, I have wayyy too many and have taught my girls the same bad habits. Seriously though, I have thought how nice it would be to have like clean sweep come through my entire house and sell just about everything in here and start over! I agree, less is more!

 

So I am guessing you are playing now! LOL No crap to be found lying around your house huh?

 

I'd like to say we work stress free or low stress jobs but we're postal so that's a huge NO! And Hubby works 6 days a week, I REFUSE the OT, I see those people practically living in that building and I won't do it! Life is too short as it is. Between the middle of November to the middle of december 2 of my co-workers comitted suicide; Maybe they also looked around and asked themselves is this all there is? I can't be that way! 1 of our bosses was talking to me 1 night and said my hubby scares the sht out of him because he is so controlled. He said hubby is crazy and those are the kinds that 1 day snap. This boss is a friend of hubby's. Hubby got upset with me because I worry about that but 2 weeks before we talked he told me if anyone ever tried to take his kids from him he would kill them first. Made me go hmmmm.

Anyway rambling again sorry.

Posted (edited)

We don't own anything real nice like that either, I have an 02 F250 and he has a 99 F350.

Wow & woman that drives a truck what more could you ask for. :eek::D

I like girls that drive big trucks, in fact my W's first vehicle was a short bed pickup. ;)

Anyway we don't live in a nice area, we have 1000 sq ft house and it isn't all that nice but it's all we could afford at the time we bought it and it's so bad here we couldn't even see it for what we owe.

This might be part of your problem, when my W & I separated she kept telling me; there is no place I can go, there is no place I can have "my time". We also live in a small place like you do & when we were in counseling the MC told us there are three parts to a marriage.

My time, her time, & our time......

I'd like to say we work stress free or low stress jobs but we're postal so that's a huge NO! And Hubby works 6 days a week, I REFUSE the OT.

I agree with Gunny, money isn't everything & the older I get the more I realize that.

 

Are there things you like to do as hobbies? Instead of surfing the internet maybe go for a walk, exercise really does make a person feel better specially when you get your heart rate up, it is almost like a good drug.

 

Is there a way you could get your H more involved in things around the house? I know us men aren't very good at the housework (unless you are forced like I was, but that is another story;)) but maybe try & do those chores or honey dues together.

 

There are some really good books out there & I've been taking Gunny's advice & trying to read as much as I can. A person can never learn to much that's for sure.

 

The problem I see is once I start understanding you woman then you will change the rules & I'll have to start all over. :eek::p:D:laugh:

 

I have been listening to a religious station for the last few months & it has really helped me. Like they say; ALL marriages take work, ALL marriages have there ups & downs so the question is; do you want to work on this one or do you want to work on another just like it because they say most of the time a person will fall right back into the same type of a relationship they have right now.

 

What you have now doesn't seem to be working so think of ways to change it up for the better. Might be something small just like you said your H finished a project, it is a start a small step.

 

Try to work as a team, but still have that "your time" for you.

Edited by PWSX3
  • Author
Posted
Wow & woman that drives a truck what more could you ask for. :eek::D

I like girls that drive big trucks, in fact my W's first vehicle was a short bed pickup. ;)

 

This might be part of your problem, when my W & I separated she kept telling me; there is no place I can go, there is no place I can have "my time". We also live in a small place like you do & when we were in counseling the MC told us there are three parts to a marriage.

My time, her time, & our time......

 

I agree with Gunny, money isn't everything & the older I get the more I realize that.

 

Are there things you like to do as hobbies? Instead of surfing the internet maybe go for a walk, exercise really does make a person feel better specially when you get your heart rate up, it is almost like a good drug.

 

Is there a way you could get your H more involved in things around the house? I know us men aren't very good at the housework (unless you are forced like I was, but that is another story;)) but maybe try & do those chores or honey dues together.

 

There are some really good books out there & I've been taking Gunny's advice & trying to read as much as I can. A person can never learn to much that's for sure.

 

The problem I see is once I start understanding you woman then you will change the rules & I'll have to start all over. :eek::p:D:laugh:

 

I have been listening to a religious station for the last few months & it has really helped me. Like they say; ALL marriages take work, ALL marriages have there ups & downs so the question is; do you want to work on this one or do you want to work on another just like it because they say most of the time a person will fall right back into the same type of a relationship they have right now.

 

What you have now doesn't seem to be working so think of ways to change it up for the better. Might be something small just like you said your H finished a project, it is a start a small step.

 

Try to work as a team, but still have that "your time" for you.

 

 

HAHA..... I LOVE my truck. It's got some kind of bullydog power chip that makes it haul @$$, with big 35" tires and a 6 in lift. It's pretty bad @$$. Again I LOVE my truck! HAHA... Someone once asked if I have penis envy because I am not a large woman, 5'6 120 lbs. There's another girl I work with who is, maybe 5'2 at most and she has a truck about the same size but she has a step. I say no but I have a lot of penis' that envy me! HAHA

 

Tonight was nice, had a totally different holiday than we usually do. Went to a dinner that was TERRIBLE but not our fault and a hockey game that was a lot of fun. I want to do that sort of thing more often. Someone got married on the ice because they do this valentines thing and color the ice pink and every year someone gets married. It was so sweet and romantic and made me think what the hell am I doing?! I do have times of reason and they are coming back slowly, more often and longer lasting but still not all back into this marriage yet.

 

About the my time, his time, and our time. I have TRIED and TRIED to tell him this but he still won;t listen and he's been even worse since as he says I've been acting weird. He keeps asking me what's wrong and when I get up to go to the bathroom even he asks where I am going. We live in the country, where do you think I am going?! It's very frustrating and smothering! I've told him to go off on those hunting trips with his friends but he keeps saying no. I wish he would! It seemed we appreciated each other more when he was in the Army and went to the field or training, gave us a chance to miss each other. I have also thought of something else, when he was Army we moved every couple of years so we didn't get as much of a chance to get in a rut but we've lived in the same house for 10 years and I hate it! The walls are closing in on me and I just want to be able to breathe!

 

About the excercise, well MI winters SUCK BIG TIME, so dang cold! I usually tan during the winter but this winter has been so harsh and hubby's truck was acting up and every day off I've had he takes my truck so there isn't much to do at night with no vehicle in the middle of nowhere in below zero weather. I REALLY need to tan! I can't wait for it to warm up, I swim, walk, and generally hang out outside when I am not sleeping or at work. If we have a holiday he offers to take me but I don't want him to take me tanning, I want to go alone!

 

About the housework, he actually does help with housework in his own way. It's when things break he doesn't fix them, it's projects he starts like remodeling the kitchen he doesn't finish. He's a duct tape and bailing wire kinda guy. I never knew that till we moved here because he never had projects before. I just want him to finish what he starts. I am STILL REALLY mad about the pool! It's a new pool and liner and if we have to replace them AND the water it's going to cost a lot more than if he'd have just taken the time to cover it! I have so much anger built up about that type of stuff, Sometimes it feels like my gut is going to explode because of all the anger. And his parents, I mean seriously, we went on vacation to my families last year and his Dad called us at least once a day, usually more. On 2-way! I swear it felt like the hair on my arms stand up everytime I hear his voice! It grates on my very last nerve!

 

About the money, I don't really care all that much either, like I told him if his Dad would pay his f-ing bill when he's supposed to...... well of course that starts a fight. Why can't he just tell his Dad look, you said if we borrowed this money for you that you would pay every payday and he hasn't. His Dad hasn't paid and he's afraid to ask. I said I will but he won't let me because I am to the not so subtle point about it. And all this time he thought he was saving that money for OUR retirement! DANG!

 

Before we moved here it was always US in everything we did, every decision we made ect but now it a Him and me scenerio, we stopped being an us, we both stopped making an effort to make it work everyday, we used to NEVER go to sleep mad...mostly because I was the one that said I was sorry but that stopped a few years ago because we stopped agreeing on pretty much anything. I know that I am no longer willing to be the one that always takes the blame. He needs to step up too!

 

Thanks for the advice, it does sort of fall in with the stuff I was thinking. Mostly I think the his time, my time, and our time is right on the mark! And my time doesn't always have to include the kids! LOL

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