Zuzu Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Would love to post a poll on this, but unfortunately no option. So... Do you consider someone who is having an emotional affair to be cheating, or do you feel it's only cheating when the affair becomes physical?
TMCM Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) Yes. People have fallen in love online and left their spouses and families to go live with the OP, all without having had sex. Edited February 11, 2008 by TMCM
Arch Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 emotional affairs lead to physical affairs. So yes, when you no longer put as much mental time into your current relationship as you put into a EA then it is cheating.
Trimmer Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I never answer the "Do you consider XXXXX cheating?" question. It's just semantic carving to say "is this on one side of a thin bright line, or the other?" when the line isn't really that thin or bright or well defined. I think an emotional affair is damaging to a marriage, and an indication of soem kind of a pathology in the relationship. I think it is a betrayal of trust and of the partnership that is "us", and for my (now ended) marriage and any relationship I have in the future, it is outside the boundaries that are acceptable to me. If you are having problems with me, either work on figuring them out while respecting our relationship, or leave before you start a new one. Both of these honorable options are available at any time. Who cares what specific word we stamp it with?
Frances Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Would love to post a poll on this, but unfortunately no option. So... Do you consider someone who is having an emotional affair to be cheating, or do you feel it's only cheating when the affair becomes physical? An EA can often do more damage to a marriage than a PA. It takes away energy and closeness from the primary relationship. From my experience the same tele tale signs that often appear when there is a PA also occur with the EA. An EA can continue for a long time as the OS often does not admit that it is wrong. Email has encouraged more of this kind of affair IMO. My h had a long time EA, They only met up on a few occasions. I am suffering from this but can not get him to admit that he was cheating just because there was no sex.
Nomad1 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 This is because of the level of emotional involvement invested in the EA. It is intense and often leads to an overwhelming desire to be with the other person. That person becomes at the forefront of his or her thoughts and everything else, including marriage and children, become a minor consideration. It takes time for the person involved in EA to get over it. It makes the person involved in the EA question their feelings for their partner. Invariably s/he will try to find justifications for their lust / infatuation for the OM/W, leading to statements such as 'I love you but I am not in love with you' 'I need space to sort my head out' 'I have been unhappy in this relationship' 'I have changed' 'My feelings have changed' etc. The only way they can get over it, is a radical change of jobs etc. and strict NC. The alternative is for the EA to turn into PA and with the passing of time, the excitement of the elusive desire disappears Take care Nomad1
Planofool Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 You can call it what you want, but it destroys a relationship. Just the lies that are told to cover up are enough to derail the best relationships. When your spouse is on the cell phone talking to the om and won't click over to answer there daughters phone call times 3, that is a power that can't be controlled. When they sneak off to call the om, when they are late for functions because they are talking to the om, ten to twelve phone calls a day, deceit, and on and on. It consumes their lives and the world goes on without them and they don't see it. Cheating? It is way worse than that.
Meaplus3 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Would love to post a poll on this, but unfortunately no option. So... Do you consider someone who is having an emotional affair to be cheating, or do you feel it's only cheating when the affair becomes physical? Yes! I consider Emotional affair's an act of cheating, they can be very damaging to a marriage and are very hard to break free from. AP:)
BlueEyedGirl Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 No I don't. If a person is lusting after someone else and has an overwhelming desire to be with OW/M and they don't act on it, it still shows some type of consideration for the primary relationship. Lots of people on here consider a friendship with a bit of attraction for another person as EA. I could forgive an EA but not a physical one. PA shows a person's inability to control their animal urges, which is . Also having a mental picture of a partner having sex with another is . My only issue would be an EA affair leading to a PA...
Planofool Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Anybody that doesn't consider it cheating hasn't been the spouse of someone involved in an EA, or they were the one doing the cheating.
cj1988 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Yes, it is cheating in the worst form IMO. You can f--- anyone, that is the easy part, but to take time to get to know them and really put all of yourself into doing so just as you did your S, it is cheating. If you think just because you do not have sex with someone it is not cheating you are crazy. What about all the marriages that do not have sex any longer, maybe medical reasons whatever, what do they have left, LOVE AND EMOTION. So, yes an EA is cheating !
SpanksTheMonkey Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I don't even know what an EA would consist of? Just talking to each other I guess dose it have to be long distance? Or is it like a couple who met who just arnt having sex yet but still kissing and stuff? If that ever happens anymore can some one explain it to me so I can even answer here thanks.
Frances Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 No I don't. If a person is lusting after someone else and has an overwhelming desire to be with OW/M and they don't act on it, it still shows some type of consideration for the primary relationship. Lots of people on here consider a friendship with a bit of attraction for another person as EA. I could forgive an EA but not a physical one. PA shows a person's inability to control their animal urges, which is . Also having a mental picture of a partner having sex with another is . My only issue would be an EA affair leading to a PA... It may show some type of consideration for the primary relationship but to the bs it is very little. I agree you are spared the mental picture of your spouse having sex with another but them sharing and being close is very hard to take. It steals from the marriage big time. It is always cheating when the spouse is kept in the dark. In my case if he had crossed to a PA I would not have any decision to make, it would be him or me out the door. As it is I am not sure how this will end. It's 19 months since I found out and I have not recovered yet and do not know if I ever will. I swing from day to day.
Frances Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Anybody that doesn't consider it cheating hasn't been the spouse of someone involved in an EA, or they were the one doing the cheating. exactly how I feel.
cj1988 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Fances, I know how you feel. It has been over 14 months and I think about it everyday, but not as much and it does not freak me out as bad. I am mainly just still trying to figure out how far it went and if I can stay with a liar now......I am really tired of it all and believe moving on without him is the only way to get closure. If he is telling the truth, I am hurting an innocent man, if not, he will have to finally face up to it and learn to live with what he has done to not only me, but himself.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 An emotional affair is basically falling in love with someone else, without sealing the deal with sex. So yes, it is cheating - cheating with your heart and mind, and not your body.
silktricks Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Yes, it is cheating. My husband had an EA. It took me over 3 years to recover from it. If anything is hidden from their spouse and more important than being honest with their spouse, then it is at the VERY least a huge sign of marital problems. If the something being hidden is a relationship with another person, whether emotional or physical, that is an affair. The cheating may not be physical, but it is cheating the partner of honesty, time, closeness and most important IMO the knowledge that they are not happy and satisfied with their partner. I don't know if an emotional affair is equally or more or less damaging than a physical one, but it is certainly damaging. If you look into the "signs" of an affair - those signs are all satisfied with emotional affairs as well as physical ones.
Owl Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Absolutely its cheating. Its a direct violation of that "forsaking all others" part of your vows. For anyone who doesn't know what an EA is, let me post the link to my story for a classic example of one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ They never met in person. But they were completely "in love", and ready to give everything up to be together. The good news is, this was about 3 1/2 years ago, and we're happily recovered!
Trimmer Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 No I don't. If a person is lusting after someone else and has an overwhelming desire to be with OW/M and they don't act on it, it still shows some type of consideration for the primary relationship. Lots of people on here consider a friendship with a bit of attraction for another person as EA. Again, this points up the difficult in carving out firm definitions of things like "cheating" and even an "EA"... Some people consider refraining from putting a penis into a vagina "not acting on it," others (and I consider myself in this group) consider hundreds of minutes of cell phone talk time, hundreds of intimate text messages, hidden cell phones, hidden activities, deception about whereabouts, etc. as "acting on it." Yes, there's a scale that ranges from "acquaintance of the opposite sex" to "friend" to "attractive friend" to "EA" to "PA", and my boundary is somewhere where the mutual communication between the parties becomes of an intimate nature that needs to be hidden from the spouse, and/or other activities/behaviors need to be hidden from the spouse. Call it what you will, that bounds what's acceptable to me. I could forgive an EA but not a physical one. PA shows a person's inability to control their animal urges, which is . Also having a mental picture of a partner having sex with another is . My only issue would be an EA affair leading to a PA... So by saying you "could forgive an EA", if there's something to forgive, it sounds like you still see it as a betrayal of some kind, though...
BetrayedMM Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 An affair is cheating. An EA leads directly to a PA, and quite often IS a PA that the cheater is lying about. If it's an EA and they spend any time alone together at all, you can bet it's really a PA. If it's long distance, you can bet it's only distance keeping those genitals apart.
Lizzie60 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Yes when you are emotionally connected, it is cheating.. an EA will eventually leads to a PA.. Even PA without the Emotional connection would be cheating... Some people are mixing EA with a 'good friend's relationship... I see a huge difference.
cj1988 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I do believe even in my state being a BS, that you can have a close relationship with the opposite sex IF your S is involved as well. I know I could trust my best friend in the world with my man, we both love her that way.....but I cannot trust him with his 1/2 sister, how f----- funny is that !
Mustang Sally Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 So the only way you can have a close friend of the opposite sex is if your spouse is involved? Hmmm. I have friendships with women that my spouse isn't involved in...is that inappropriate, too? I have friendships with some women that I talk to about my issues with my spouse that he is unaware of what we are talking about...are these inappropriate relationships?
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