lostnalone Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Hello, I know that you have all heard the same stories over again. But here goes mine. I'd love some feedback, any advice is welcome. Last week after 12+ years of marriage, four kids one of which is in Heaven, ages of kids are 3 1/2 daughter and twin sons 2 1/2, my husband told me that he didn't love me anymore. And hasn't for the last three months. Truthfully that was news to me. I had no idea we were having problems. Still don't since he will not talk to me. He walked out on us a week ago. Oh this also happened after almost two weeks after having my gall bladder removed. For the last three years we've had lots of problems with him not keeping a job longer then three months. And driving OTR for months at a time. And he's porno addiction. He's met a few women online and one (that I know of) he met in person at a hotel but says nothing happened. And now he has met another online. I found out from the phone bill. Got her name, number and address. She is 20 years older then him. I'm left with three babies alone with no friends or family near me. And I have no idea what I'm doing and what needs to be done. I'm scared and alone. But the really sad thing is I still love him after all of this and still want him home. He was my best friend. I have to move because I can't afford this house that we just bought three years ago. And because I haven't worked in so long I'm scared about getting back out there and having to put my children in the care of someone else. I know this happens everyday. How do I do this? How do I move on when I still love him? Where do I start? My poor children are hurting too because I'm a basketcase. I try so hard to hide it but it's hard when you can't leave to feel sorry for yourself. Anyway, I hope this all makes sense, I'm really tired and haven't slept in days. Thanks for taking the time to read my sob story. lostnalone
Curmudgeon Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I know this happens everyday. How do I do this? How do I move on when I still love him? Where do I start? My poor children are hurting too because I'm a basketcase. I try so hard to hide it but it's hard when you can't leave to feel sorry for yourself. Anyway, I hope this all makes sense, I'm really tired and haven't slept in days. It's tough. there's nothing easy about it. I guess you have to start by asking yourself if it's still the person you love or who you thought he was, or maybe even who he should be but isn't. Then you concentrate on your children who deserve a whole mother, even if that's all they have, or maybe especially so. Unfortunately it makes all too much sense even if what your husband has been doing is nonsense. If this is the way he's going to be then both you and the children are better off without him. Children learn what they live and I doubt you want them, growing up thinking that cheating on and hurting your spouse is OK. You'll be fine in the end. It's just going to take some time. Is there supportive family you and the children can move back to?
Author lostnalone Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Thank you for that. And no I don't think it's right for the kids to grow up with this. I don't think I would be able to deal with one of my kids doing that to someone. My family is here but going through too much, dad has liver and colon cancer. And I don't have family there but I do have friends there. And they are what I need right now. Thank you again,
Ocean-Blue Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 lost: You need to ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want in your life. Is this the kind of person you want around your children? He is a coward and a cheat. He met a freakin' stranger from the internet - to do what? Play cards? Have a beer? I don't think so...! Before you can pick up the pieces, you need to decide what you want. Do you love the real him or the idea of him that you've formed in your head? Has he changed? Was he different before? And remember, you are not alone. They may be young right now and not understand the gravity of things...but they are and always will be there - YOUR KIDS. Focus on them, be right in body and mind for them.
Curmudgeon Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Thank you for that. And no I don't think it's right for the kids to grow up with this. I don't think I would be able to deal with one of my kids doing that to someone. My family is here but going through too much, dad has liver and colon cancer. And I don't have family there but I do have friends there. And they are what I need right now. Thank you again, You may be lost but you're not alone. I hope you realize how lucky that makes you. I was alone in divorce, for the most part, and it's not easy. I hope your father reaches whatever resolution is best for him. I, too, have lost a parent to cancer, then the other to grief. You have a lot on your plate!
Nomad1 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Your husband sounds like a selfish heartless man. To leave his wife and children so he can pursue his lust for other women is despicable. The pleasures that he is seeking won't fulfill the huge void he seems to have inside him. It is his loss and your gain. You may not realise that now as you are hurting, but you deserve better. This experience will make you a stronger person for you and your children. I wish you the best. Nomad1
Gunny376 Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) Just from your thread? From what you've written? From the adversity and troubles I've been through in my own life? From the trials and tribulations I myself have come through ~ you're going to be just fine ~ in the long run. You've got the "grit" in your gullet and the "spit in your eye" to make it! I've spent a lifetime seeing those that can "hack it" and those that can't. I've got a good "eye" for those that can? And those that can't. There are those that sit around that sit around feeling "sorry" for themselves, and those that get busy getting busy living their lives no matter what comes at them! You? You've got "true grit" All you can DO? Is suck it up each day ~ and do the best you can do! With the end-game goal on your dying day being? I did all I could do, all I knew to do, and did the best that I could do and KNEW to do at the end of each day! I DID my BEST! I gave my BEST! ALL GAVE SOME! MAMA'S GIVE ALL! Prayer's for you! Gunny Edited February 11, 2008 by Gunny376
Author lostnalone Posted February 11, 2008 Author Posted February 11, 2008 Thank you all so much. WOW you all got that just from reading my post? I feel some days that I will make and others I just want him back. Like today, I registered our daughter (4) for school. And for us that was a big step, we lost our first daughter at 38 weeks, stillborn. And for us to be able to put a child in school was amazing but I didn't have anyone to share that with. It hurt so bad. But she is so happy because she wants to go to school, poor things doesn't know what she is saying lol. Anyway, He is giving me conflicting signels. Things he is saying and that really hurts and confusses me even more. I wish that I could just stop calling him. BTW, is it wrong to call her up and tell him to stop calling him??? I can get into his voice mail and she had left about 5 messages, but it seemed like he wasn't calling her back. I also being the b%$#@ that I can be have changed his outgoing message. People all the time tell me that I'm strong just from dealing with the loss of our daughter but I don't feel strong. I'm just going through the motions of living because of my kids. But God they are worth so much more. A friend, not a close one, has said that I'll find someone and bluh, bluh, bluh, but I'm fat and feel very old with three babies. Who the hell is going to want someone like that? Feeling sorry for myself. I feel very weak today. But Gunny and Nomad1 thank you. Also thank you Curmudgeon and Ocean-Blue
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I am so sorry for your loss...Did you seek grief counselling to help you through? Don't think ahead too much, all that will do is freak you out..Right now your kids need you, so use their love into helping you feel better.
Author lostnalone Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 Yes we did get grief counseling and it helped so much. And thank you.
cicada Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 i just posted as well , my husband and i decided to seperate tonight and it's devistating i know. your probobly like " this is different he didn't leave you " but yes he did , a year ago and then he moved back in and a year later here we go again this time it is the end of our marriage and i have 2 kids a teen and a toddler. I know what you are going through . what i guess i am trying to say is that as hard as it seems now it could be worse or get worse. when my husband left me a year ago I was frozen , couldnt eat couldnt sleep a wreck 24/7 for weeks. I got him to come back home , and for a year I tried i thought he was too but now i realize he was not at all . i was working around him . Your not alone , yes so many people go through this including you and me . It is so unfair and so hearwrenching for us it is hard to believe that everyone goes through the same pain in this situation as we feel .. but it is true. be glad your children are young . they will be ok , they will feel normal and not see mom so stressed out or sad all the time. I gather strength from knowing that my kids lives will be better then it is with my husband in the picture. focus on your young kids they will give you the strength . You know you dont deserve to be treated that way by anyone including being treated that badly by your husband. YOU ARE NOT ALone . I am in the same sad pitt of despair you are in . everyday it will get better. we have to believe that. and a friend told me once no matter what happens no matter how bad .. Life does move on , it does not stop . time passes , life changes and soon he will be part of your past .
White Flower Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 BTW, is it wrong to call her up and tell him to stop calling him??? I can get into his voice mail and she had left about 5 messages, but it seemed like he wasn't calling her back. I also being the b%$#@ that I can be have changed his outgoing message. LOL, that's funny:laugh: People all the time tell me that I'm strong just from dealing with the loss of our daughter but I don't feel strong. I'm just going through the motions of living because of my kids. But God they are worth so much more. A friend, not a close one, has said that I'll find someone and bluh, bluh, bluh, but I'm fat and feel very old with three babies. Who the hell is going to want someone like that? Feeling sorry for myself. I feel very weak today. But Gunny and Nomad1 thank you. Also thank you Curmudgeon and Ocean-Blue You don't feel strong now but in a few years you will see it. And your friend was right--you will find someone for sure. You'd be surprised just how many different kinds of men are out there. Not all like the billboard types. There are some really fine looking men who are looking for someone who look just like YOU. Believe me when I say that. Own it and enjoy it. You will attract someone to you just by being yourself and being confident in that. If I only knew this way back when. I'm sorry you're hurt and that you still love this man who has left you during a bad time. I hope for the very best for you and that you will end up with your true love; one that you surely deserve.
cicada Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 A friend, not a close one, has said that I'll find someone and bluh, bluh, bluh, but I'm fat and feel very old with three babies. Who the hell is going to want someone like that? Feeling sorry for myself. I feel very weak today. how old are you lost ? just curious.
Author lostnalone Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 I'm 35 years old. This just seems so wrong. like I said before I know people go through this every day but damn. I don't know. I'm just so sick of this. Why can't we just love each other (all of us) and be happy with what we have? Why do they always think something is better? Thank you guys for all of this. I know that I'm not alone because I have my babies, but I don't have anyone to share them with. Hurts.
Jade 02 Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Ohhhhhhh lost Bless your heart. I think you and I are in the same exact boat together right now. Cept mines got a booze problem. oh gosh I wish ya lived near me,I invite you and your babies over and we could talk,and have coffee or something. I have no real friends here. Do you have any friends you can talk to? To help get you threw this? I know it hurts. I wish I could help out in some way specially when you have the babies. Im hurting with ya girl.
br0ken_w0lf Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 Lost, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. The only thing I can tell you from experience is that it *will* hurt less. You don't think it now, you can't even envision it - but it will. Be there for your kids, their needs will help you along. My wife left in Aug 2007 and we didn't really have any major problems at all but if someone back then had told me that I'd feel how I do now, there is no way I would have believed them. Time does heal, and visiting this great site does too. I'm not saying it's easy at all, but it will change. And it's natural to be down on yourself at the moment because you feel rejected. But later, you'll rediscover all the wonderful things about you that other men *will* appreciate. Please take care...
November Rain Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 OK...just some advice...does not have to be taken. You say you have to move because you can't afford the house you bought 3 years ago. You can go to Social Services and apply for child support for your children whether you are legally separated or not. If he has moved out you have the right to this option. There are schools that offer Pre-School for children starting at the age of 2 years old if they are potty trained. Which is so much cheaper than day care and really good for the children. I know...I did that with my youngest one. It was half the price and they learned so much more. It's really a good thing. That is if you have to go back into the workforce. Which would be a plus in your situation to get you out of the house and around new people. Just some things to think about and options to research. I'm sorry...I'm not offering the support that you need right now. When it comes to things like this all I can think about is survival. The logical side of me comes out...and to strong at times. I'm not a hard person...just one trying to make it in this cruel world.
Author lostnalone Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 Jade 02 ~ Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry that you have to know my pain. This really sucks. I had an ok day. Last night was bad I haven't been to bed. Really tired and the kids kicked my butt today. My house is a mess and well everything is a mess. No I don't have any friends here. We moved here about 4 years ago and then got pg with 2nd daughter the when she was 11 months old I had my twin boys. And have been super busy since. I wish that we lived close because even though I don't drink coffee, I'd love a friendship. (((HUGS))) to you. Broken wolf ~ thank you it means a lot coming from a man. I'm doing the best I can. I just live in the moment right now. One of my sons is screaming need to go. lostnalone
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