Sadcakesleo Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Iv'e been reading almost every thread even ones from 2004 and the majority of breakups end for a variety of reasons but they almost always end because there is somebody else waiting in the wings. That makes me so pissed off and depressed. Am going through a break with my gf and it just makes me even more sad than i already am that shes probably seeing someone else.Why can't the dumper just tell it like it is.just say hey we have our problems and i'm leaving because there is a new guy/girl in my life. I think if all of us got that response when being dumped it would greatly help us cope with it better.
Belkin Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 I totally agree with you... The number of people (me included...) wondering how they could get with someone the day (or a few days) after the "official" breakup is amazing. If only she had told me the truth from the start, I would have been devastated of course, but I really think I would have understood better, and felt less betrayed than by finding out on my own the hard way...
ElvenPriestess Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Why don't they fess up? Well by not seeing the hurt in your eyes (you meaning anyone going or have gone through this) they don't have to deal with reprocussions. It is easier for them to keep their secret and not feel as bad if they think they aren't hurting or betraying you. In essence, soothing their own conscience. Selfishly so I might add.
nixer Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Well from personal experience its not always because of another person waiting in the wings.. When i dumped a girl a few years back it was because i felt nothing for her for the last month of the relationship, i was bored etc.. and thats why i finished it, i had no other girl waiting but i did meet a girl one week after the breakup and fell for her big time. I think it was so easy for me to do this because i had wanted to finish it with the ex for nearly a month. When i got dumped a few months back it wasnt because she had another lguy, i know this for a fact, it was because there wasnt enough excitement, we both got on really well but it was like the same routine every week, in fact i was considering breaking up with her 3 weeks before she did with me. After the breakup it was me who met another person first.. I think when you are dumped its a natural instinct to assume that there is another person envolved but in many cases there is not, your ex just looses attraction for you.
Lyssa Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Pretty much everyone has the same story but for me, one of my ex-es did tell me that he has found someone else and of course, I wasn't going to beg him to stay. We were better off with other people anyway. It was devastating but I got over it within a month. I think people who broke up with their GF/BF by saying they need space etc but in actual fact they have someone else is because they do not want to be the bad people. They don't want us to hate them or think lowly of them - like EP said, it's selfish but it happens.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Iv'e been reading almost every thread even ones from 2004 and the majority of breakups end for a variety of reasons but they almost always end because there is somebody else waiting in the wings. Its like a friend of mine told me: people are like monkeys when it comes to relationships. When they are swinging in the vines, they don't let go of one vine until they have the next one firmly in hand. By the time they have left you for someone else, they have been laying the groundwork while you were still together. Often for a lot longer than you would be comfortable knowing. They just want to be sure about the new person before letting go of the old. A good many people stay in relationships even when they aren't as happy - because being with someone beats being alone. People generally don't leave relationships just because they 'need time' or 'need to be alone for a while'. They usually leave them because they want to be with someone else.
Belkin Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Well that sucks It would so much simpler if both monkeys had another vine to catch on to, because as it is one always ends up crashing to the ground... And once you lost your vine, climbing back up to grab another one is not easy at all...
Roller EastCoaster Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 This is a great posting and insightful. It is soooooo damn true. Its amazing how many of us have pretty much the same story, its truly disheartening. It really makes me wonder about the quality of "love" these days. It seems to be very lackluster and lacking of true compassion and genuine-ness. Maybe the lot of us are just suckers??? Is that the sad truth? Or maybe we are all just downright better people or at least more respectful and honest people? I really dont know what the answer is, but there has to be some answers. All I know is I am pretty much startled-then stunned-then floored by the fact that everyone's story is so similar, its like a plot that is rehashed with different characters... very insightful post. I think the monkey analogy is very very true. The funny thing is it seems like most of the people including myself knew what was happening, but when we confront them about another they deny it like there is no tomorrow. So maybe this is a true learning experience, I know I have learned alot. But I had the gut feeling, but kinda just ignored or didnt want to face it. Maybe this experience will help me to not be ignorant of such instincts despite the future discomfort that facing it could bring... I dont know... but I think this is a great post to really to try to understand what is going on. This is like a social phenomenon that must have some answers. Which the monkey analogy does answer to an extent.
sedgwick Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Did your ex already have another when she broke it off? Mine swears he didn't, but of course I'm sure he's with someone else now, 7 months later. He's way too sexy not to have someone else. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen like that for me. I can't even imagine kissing someone else, if there even was someone who wanted to kiss me.
cant let go Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Iv'e been reading almost every thread even ones from 2004 and the majority of breakups end for a variety of reasons but they almost always end because there is somebody else waiting in the wings. That makes me so pissed off and depressed. Am going through a break with my gf and it just makes me even more sad than i already am that shes probably seeing someone else.Why can't the dumper just tell it like it is.just say hey we have our problems and i'm leaving because there is a new guy/girl in my life. I think if all of us got that response when being dumped it would greatly help us cope with it better. no... it doesn't help
carrotgirl Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 Iv'e been reading almost every thread even ones from 2004 and the majority of breakups end for a variety of reasons but they almost always end because there is somebody else waiting in the wings. That makes me so pissed off and depressed. Am going through a break with my gf and it just makes me even more sad than i already am that shes probably seeing someone else.Why can't the dumper just tell it like it is.just say hey we have our problems and i'm leaving because there is a new guy/girl in my life. I think if all of us got that response when being dumped it would greatly help us cope with it better. It might help me cope better. There's no one else for my whatever-we're-calling-the-giant-douche-lately. He can't commit. He can't let go. Carrot
Author Sadcakesleo Posted February 12, 2008 Author Posted February 12, 2008 I know not all breakups end with dumper having someone waiting in the wings, but when I 'm reading all these threads, it's seems like it always is the case, they say they need space, they say just enough to keep the dumpee from moving on and the whole time they are moving on themselves. They are trying not to be the bad guy but it all comes to ahead eventually and the dumpee gets hurt even more. My question to all of you is can you get the dumper to confess? It's hard because if they want space and you keep calling them asking them to tell you the truth it's just going to push them more away even if they are seeing someone or not. Thats what I am doing right now, I'm self destructing whatever is left of the relationship because I feel that she is seeing somebody else. Its so frustrating not to know if they are telling the truth and I just wish I knew the answer so I can figure out what to do.
carrotgirl Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 My question to all of you is can you get the dumper to confess? It's hard because if they want space and you keep calling them asking them to tell you the truth it's just going to push them more away even if they are seeing someone or not. Thats what I am doing right now, I'm self destructing whatever is left of the relationship because I feel that she is seeing somebody else. Its so frustrating not to know if they are telling the truth and I just wish I knew the answer so I can figure out what to do. Sometimes there's nothing to confess. Sometimes the dumper doesn't know why. I do know that there is nothing you can do to make someone stop loving you if they love you. You can't ruin it. You can't fix it. Whatever it is, just is. And whatever it will be, will just be. Until it's something else. All you need to do is be. Be yourself. Be your wonderful, awful, funny, weird, best, unique self. Nothing more is needed. Four months ago from out of nowhere my guy told me he didn't love me and he broke up with me. Guess what? He lied! He loves me and always did. It makes it easier for me to know now but it doesn't change much about then and it hasn't provided clarity on why we're where we are now. He couldn't handle being together. There's no one else. There's no glaring reason. I think he got cold feet but that's still guessing. I don't even think he knows what the reason is. It just is. And sometime in the future we'll both understand it better. Meanwhile we just live. Carrot
prisonbreak Posted February 12, 2008 Posted February 12, 2008 (edited) Yes, all the breakups share a similar story (same **it, differnt pile) , and all the reactions/responses are similar too. Most of us on here (at one point) are left wondering what went wrong and are looking for answers to a lot of unanswered questions. I think it boils down to 2 reason, as to why this is so painful. Besides the fact that we just plain 'ol miss them and what we had. 1st, is we have no control. There is nothing we can do, which makes us feel powerless. the 2nd is, feeling unworthy and inadequate. We feel like, if I would have done this or said that, things would be different. That some how deep down, if we would have been different, they would still be here. i'm not in recovery, but i was reading a book about the 12 steps and the Serenity prayer. This applys a lot to us. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Now for me, that's huge. I need to accept that I cannot change John, I can't make him love me and want to be with me. The power to change the things I can; I only have the power to change myself and become a better person out of this. And the wisdom to know the difference. Learning to know the difference in who and what you can change is up to me. I can change my thoughts, attitude, behavior and nobody elses. All that being said, I struggle on a daily basis to let him be. To just accept where he is at. Actually, I struggle minute by minute somtimes...it's just hard. I'm sure we have all done this; searchin thru the threads, looking for a story similar to ours, hoping the outcome ends with a happy ending. Or reading, Just the right advice or thing to say or do, that will be "the answer". Or reading certain threads and thinking, oh, this could be him/her. Only to find latter that they never end a statement with "...no?" Maybe I'm just crazy and this is me, but I'd have to say someone else has done this too...No? But there are no answers, formulas...Only learning, growing, and becoming stronger from this. Maybe all this is a gift to us, to be able to truly love fully someday and to appreciate the "right one" when it does come around. I know I've said this before, but I don't think something this traumatic is all done in vein. if we don't come out of it better, then wasn't it all in vein? I didn't mean to get off topic or steal your thread, just my 2 cents. I might be way off base here, sorry if I was, but this is just my thoughts and struggles, I didn't mean to imply we all feel this way, but I know I do! Edited February 12, 2008 by prisonbreak
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