Am I asking for too much?

[MeloraB]

This is gonna be kinda long so bear with me. Last October I started dating a guy who I used to work with. I could tell that he liked me and vice versa. We started dating and everything was wonderful and then December came. He had to go to China for Christmas to visit his family and to renew his student visa to be able to get into the MBA program at the Uni we go to. Well, turns out that because he's not a resident of that country (he was raised in Nigeria and then came to the US to go to high school, so he barely goes to China) the US consulate didn't renew it (something about him not being able to prove that after he was done with his masters he would go back to China) Well, after that they told him to go back to the consulate a couple of weeks later after obtaining the residency papers. The day before the appointment, our Uni emailed him and told him that although they understood the situation, he was being kicked out of the MBA program because he was missing way too many hours, so instead of him coming back in January like he was supposed to he's coming back in May. I asked him if he wanted to take a break or break up because I didn't want to tie him down just like that. He said that after wasting so much time by not telling how much we like each other it would be stupid, so we might as well try the whole LDR until May.

He was calling me everyday, twice a day but we decided to cut back on that because it was gonna be too expensive for both of us. So we decided that once a day and Skype once in a while (he's never home) would be enough. Well, everything was fine until last week. He basically disappeared, I was calling him for a couple of days and nothing and finally he answered the phone on his birthday and told me he was gonna call me later to tell me how his day went. He didn't. A couple of days later I called him again and asked him to tell me what was wrong and if he didn't want to be in a LDR he should just tell me instead of making me miserable and stringing me along. He said he did not want to break up with me and that he just wasn't calling as much because we were talking about the same stuff all the time (which I kind of agree with).

So, he's not calling me as much, he won't answer the phone if I call him but when we do get to talk he just tells me he doesnt wanna break up with me, and that he loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me after hitting on me for over a year before we got together and that he's coming home in a few months and that I should just relax and not think the worst all the time.

I really don't know what to do here, guys. I don't wanna break up with him but this whole thing is making me so depressed and I keep telling him to just TELL ME if he wants this relationship to be over (That was the first thing we agreed on when we started dating. Telling the other person as soon as our feelings started to change) but he just WON'T DO IT. What should I do? break up with him and just wait til he comes back to see what happens or just believe him when he says there's nothing wrong and that I'm beign too paranoid?

All I want is for him to let me know that he still thinks of me.

I'm sorry this was so long and probably incoherent but I don't wanna talk about this with my friends so I'm just typing everything that comes to mind without paying too much attention to grammar and stuff.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR INPUT.

[TMichaels]

...I asked him to tell me what was wrong and if he didn't want to be in a LDR he should just tell me instead of making me miserable and stringing me along. He said he did not want to break up with me and that he just wasn't calling as much because we were talking about the same stuff all the time (which I kind of agree with)... When we do get to talk he just tells me he doesnt wanna break up with me... and that he's coming home in a few months and that I should just relax and not think the worst all the time. I really don't know what to do here, guys. I don't wanna break up with him but this whole thing is making me so depressed and I keep telling him to just TELL ME if he wants this relationship to be over (That was the first thing we agreed on when we started dating. Telling the other person as soon as our feelings started to change) but he just WON'T DO IT. What should I do? break up with him and just wait til he comes back to see what happens or just believe him when he says there's nothing wrong and that I'm beign too paranoid?

 

MeloraB,

 

Welcome to the world of LDRs! Phone calls, IMs, emails become the lifeblood (and lifeline) of your relationship -- and as you've experienced, it doesn't take long before most of your conversations are pretty redundant and predictable (how much you miss one another, how much you wish you were together, etc., etc., etc.)

 

While to some people the substance of the conversation doesn't matter -- it's the continued contact that's important -- to others, unless the conversation contains news or actionable information, the discussion is pretty much a waste of time.

 

My guess is that's what is going on with you and your b/f. You're craving on-going contact to assure you "everything's okay" -- and since "everything is okay with your relationship" according to your b/f's view, he sees no need to constantly assure you it is.

 

Arrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!! Frustrating, right?

 

So, what do you do about it? Well, the last thing you should do it ditch your b/f. One could argue that perhaps he could be a little more sensitive to the angst you're going through, but really, about the only thing he's guilty of at this point is being realistic and practical.

 

Though you might be tempted to "play games" to get his attention -- (i.e. suddenly also be "unavailable" and cut back your contact with your b/f) -- that's not a very mature way to handle the situation and could backfire in the end.

 

Instead, see if you can work out a compromise. Your b/f already given you a bit of an entre' here -- he doesn't want to talk and find the time everyday about nothing -- but that doesn't mean that he doesn't EVER want to talk to you.

 

So, just like you would in real life, figure out a day/time that's "yours" -- that both of you clear on your calendars, so you can get together by phone/Skype in order to touch base and talk. Chances are, if you structure your conversations this way, you'll have a lot more to talk about -- and, both of you will look forward to your "special time."

 

If for some reason one or the other of you can't be there at the appointed hour, then let each other know in advance and make plans for an alternate rendevous time.

 

You don't mention in your post whether the two of you also stay in contact via IM. If not, you might want to add it to your "repetoire." Sharing music and photos on-line keep you connected, as do seeing each other on webcam.

 

Finally, though I know it's easier said than done, try to chill out and have faith. Your relationship will be stronger for it, and so will you. Hope this helps.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[MeloraB]

Thanks so much TMichaels. I guess that's what I needed to hear. Your advice has eased my pain immensely. You're right, we just need to compromise and have a "special time" to talk. I guess that I got so used to him calling ME that as soon as it stopped I just started going all crazy.

Again, thank you so much .

[TMichaels]

No problem, MeloraB. That's what this forum is for -- to talk, share and get advice about being in a LDR. Happy to hear you're feeling a bit better as a result.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[sptu]

how are you feeling!??!try as long as you are on dlr, to keep your anger and avoid rows!!!everything through phone is getting wrong sizes...

[Els]

I agree with all of TM's advice, of course.

 

But you also need to ask yourself... should it fail, should talking to him prove to no avail and should the communication not improve... would you be able to put up with it til May? It's just a few months after all. Some people aren't the best at LDR even though they're wonderful partners IRL, and if it'll only be a short while til you'll be together IRL again it may be worth it.